IT’S been months since the site is updated, no thanks to my dumb laptop with the lost entries, and the horror of trying to recover most of my previous data.

As previous folks might have realized, some of the entries are gone.

Of course, plenty of changes have come and gone since then, and going through the rocky path does help one to grow.

The adjustment to singlehood took a while. While it seem inevitable for a while, I thought things have improved, albeit one sided, I guess. When news of it struck me, taken aback, I was left wondering and re-organizing my life. The months of prodding through hasn’t help much, with lots of photos still left in memory cards and discs, from trips, weddings and such.

Time to organize them, me thinks.

While the fluctuating moods do not affect my enthusiasm for photo taking, I do think my standards have been fluctuating. Carelessness no doubt, I do think I took some photos which I particularly like, without the chance to revisit them yet. Whether or not it’s because while I do enjoy taking them and looking at them is a totally different thing altogether, or because the plain laziness in me is raging, I do not know.

Of course, other things happen along the way. Back to training has been one of them. It has been a revelation that 2 years of missing in action most of the time has not lessen my enthusiasm, if anything, I felt that I do miss the trainings. Smack down on the cold hard mats, the aches and pains of locks, slams, awkward landings on knees and such...ok this sound masochistic. It does feel good, though, ha. I remember 2 years ago, whenever I head for training, I don’t feel that there are as much good people training and it’s been a race for the belt.

No longer. The standard has improved much, and it’s enjoyable that I can train with a lot of new folks who value training as much or even more than me. The search for a better person in all of us, while pursuing the art, understanding the body, movements, reaction and counter-reaction...all felt so good that I’m surprised that I am ever gone from it in the first place.

Well, I guess I’d just be back training as much as I could from now on, ha.

Talking with fellow colleagues and gossiping has been part and parcel of office life. It is also interesting to understand how people view me, and how gossip attracting I can get. Maybe it’s my attitude and my mannerism, with a slack outlook, plenty of Gundams on desk, and a long overdue wedding album which I’m supposed to deliver. Maybe it’s just me. And I had the cheek to said to Paul, on how I would introduce to people how I am, “just see for yourself.”

What a load of crap, ha.

Certain issues in life has made me reflect and relook at myself, and trying to understand myself better. Things like “sunshine outlook”, “positive”, “overtly kind” are certain things I’ve heard, and I really thought that those things are just me, no less, but I overlook the fact that not all people are welcome to such positiveness. There are certain misunderstandings from friends who think that I’m indulging myself and overlooking more important issues when I decided to take up certain propositions, which I got quite disappointed as they do not understand my rationale for taking them up. There was another instance which I surprised even myself as in most normal circumstances I would have reacted almost instinctively, but for that evening I actually welcome people to help out where I do believe I can handle it much better myself. Of course, these small chapters are nothing compared to some of the more bizarre (which Paul often says, “ you’re mad/crazy! ” ) things I have done, which is silly and I’d rather not share here, ha.

I guess I might just be the positive, ever smiling guy who constantly tries to smile, though I rant pretty much all the time

I guess I have been converted to a movie-holic, watching so many movies recently that I’m hooked to it and viewing it with a different eye. I met my ex boss while watching a movie premiere of MILK, who was surprised that I actually “support” the movement, though I honestly am there only because a good friend of mine ask me whether I want to watch a movie and there’s free tickets.

I guess I am getting older, appreciating the finer things in life, being more patient and such, like picking up tea drinking, something I can’t really relate to any friend right now. Or waiting several hours for people. Or getting insulted and yet able to hold my temper.

I guess it’s really frustrating when I felt misunderstood. Probably the need for understanding has always been up there amongst my wishes. And the reason for blogging again. Sounds like a desperate attempt to voice some rants, but it’s an avenue, no less.

I guess I’m learning new things about myself, like I have the “I am an anti-gay” look/mannerism on my face *cringe*.

I guess it feels good to be finally me again. Reacting according to instinct and emotion is something I have gradually forgotten over the years, and it does feel good for me to finally settle back to a person I can relate to.

I guess...I’m just being mad again :p

p.s. Paul is a good friend of mine, nothing more, don’t anyhow guess yah?

Tags: Thoughts