compiled from wire reports Roughly 40 pilot whales beached themselves off Cape Cod on Monday and lured their unsuspecting would-be rescuers to a bloody, violent death, officials reported yesterday. “It was the most callous and appalling attack of its kind,” stated John Mulroney, chief marine biologist at Woods Hole. “The whales deliberately beached themselves knowing full well that sappy, tree-hugging humans would attempt to rescue them. When their guard was down, the beasts savagely attacked. It was an act without provocation." Eyewitnesses at the massacre stated that hundreds of concerned citizens had started appearing on the beach as news spread of the whales’ plight. When a sizeable crowd of people had started to help move the animals, several of the larger whales suddenly reared up and started knocking people around. Panic ensued, and a stampede of people made escape nearly impossible. Several people were dragged to back to the water to their deaths, shrieking. “I can’t believe it,” sobbed one 14-year old girl who had waded in knee-deep to cover one of the whales with a wet towel. “It looked at me with such cold blooded vengeance that I was reminded of Lord Krishna’s words in the Bhagavad Gita: ‘I am death, devourer of worlds.’ ” The girl barely escaped with her life. Anti-environmentalists weren’t so shocked by the slaughter. “It just goes to show you that nature is not our friend,” stated Betty Carlyle, member of the “Humans First, Nature Later" group that lobbies for oil-drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Reserve. “Give nature a few seconds and she’ll rip your balls off.” She also stated that the environmentalists who fell for the whales’ bloody trick had no one but themselves to blame. The Coast Guard had no comment. |
