You may not have noticed, but ever since the White House began solemnly beating the drums of war, the media outlets have been kicking into high gear with maps, pretty pictures and stunning new graphics to sell the war to the American public.

Now that war is definitely going to occur (what with 500 journalists already along for the ride), we take some time to make our predictions for what they'll say and how they'll say it. Get ready folks, Baghdad: The Mini-War Series is about to spin out of control.

Best Tragedy Music Nominee
Enya, Day Without Rain. Perhaps the best piece of all-purpose tragedy music ever produced (well, except for anything James Horner does because it's a tragedy this self-hacking "composer" continues to do the same score over and over again and gets an Academy Award for it.) It works great on slow-mo montages of "Friends," "Third Watch" and watching the World Trade Center towers fall. Now we can see the swirling images of lost Iraqi souls wandering the bombed out streets of their beloved capitol to the haunting strums of this Celtic princess.

Best Goodbye Music Nominee
Andrea Bocelli, Con Te Partiro. While I intend on having it played at my funeral, it can be easily repurposed into a troops-leaving-for-battle montage. Overlaying images of tearful wives, mothers and girlfriends to their brave army/navy/air force/marine men with this music will set the heart strings in motion and start the waterworks. (Note to Newspeak editors: avoid showing any female soliders being hugged by their male spouses/partners. It undercuts the manliness and poignancy of war.)

Best Conflict Music
Undoubtedly, it has to be "Mars, the Bringer of War" by Holst. This masterpiece was written in the early 1920s and you can hear its powerful influence in countless James Horner/John Williams-scored films because they liberally steal from it. But it might ultimately work best on CNN and Fox, because they can make good use of the piece's pulsating sense of urgency while showing desert-camoflauged soldiers running, Apache helicopters swirling in the skies, the visage of evil Saddam shooting that damn gun in the air or taking a sword from its scabbard; a very determined-looking George W. Bush with Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld floating past. With this music and those images, the war is a hands-down adventure in the quiet, sublime heroism that defines this Administration.

Best Use of Chalkboards and Walk-Over Maps
MSNBC leads this category. With the price of chalk falling, the clever news editors at the fledgling network have made ample opportunity to edumacate the masses with a twist: a blackboard and a huge, sprawling map that you can walk on! So when your eye wanders, you'll be drawn to the to-scale map of the Middle East. Makes it easier for our brave Newspeakies to stomp on Baghdad and do their part for the war effort.

Best Newspeakie in Glasses Nominees
The race may be three-way, but glamorous Ashleigh Banfield and dominatrix Barbara Starr are the neck-in-neck leads. Ashleigh has captured America's imagination and hearts with her bold, Jackie O-esque romps through the Middle East, making the Israeli-Palestinian conflict even more clearer than it could be. Might have a slight edge because of her soot-covered coverage of the destruction of the twin towers that marked her a true American hero.
But not to be outdone, CNN's Barbara Starr is no slouch herself. She brings a sense of headmistress control that older viewers like: she's imposing but not threatening. Informed but not too informed. When she recently demonstrated putting on a gas mask and protective suit with a volunteer from the audience, you could almost sense her power and dominance. Too bad the suit wasn't latex.

Wolf Blitzer is our third, dark-horse nominee. The less said about him, the better.

Biggest Newspeakie Head
Moneyline's Lou Dobbs and Your World's Neil Cavuto (CNN and Fox respectively) have got it going on: both regularly talk about politics, interview people to look more knowledgeable than they really are, and both have outsize heads. Lou has better lighting, but Cavuto's gelled hair and round glasses might give him the edge.

Best On-Camera Stare
A tough one this year: MSNBC's Lester Holt has a game-show host voice that perfectly matches the state of news coverage today, and an earnest look-straight-at-the-camera stare that bespeaks truthfulness. But Tom Brokaw heir-apparent Brian Williams (also of MSNBC) has a hook all his own: a tendency to hold his head at an angle while looking at the camera. It's the best "are you shitting me?" look that we've ever seen. And makes him very approachable in selling the war.

Other Technical Awards
Best war footage editing: CNN, MSNBC
Best Saddam Hussein montage: CNN, Fox
Best war catch-phrase: "The Road to War?" (ABC); "Showdown with Saddam" (CNN); "Countdown: Iraq" (MSNBC); "The Network America Trusts" (Fox)
Best Newsreader Performance: Christiane Amanpour (CNN); Wolf Blitzer (CNN); Geraldo Rivera (Fox)
Best Anti-Anti-War Coverage: Fox, CNN
Best war graphics: CNN, Fox
Best graphically waving American flags: Fox

What are your picks? Newspeakies will be undoubtedly be giving themselves pats on the back for jobs well done, with swelling music to convey just how much they sacrificed to cover the war for us regular folks back home. Nominees for the Best Death Overseas awards are posthumous, but if you have a pick or even suggestion, contact us!