The latest report coming from CNN is the stuff of a 1950’s sci-fi horror movie: wild teens are about to go rampages and destroy America!

It’s been confirmed through rounds and rounds of CNN panels and special talk-shows that teenagers are about to make the American Civil War look like a walk in the park right after semester finals.

“Recent teen violence has gotten so much press lately that now does seem the right time to strike,” reported one teenager on condition of anonymity. “Why lose the momentum?”

“Aaaaaarrrggh! Aaaahhh! Arrrgh!” stated one CNN expert in teen behavior. “Get out now! These teens have no sense of right and wrong! Parents! Talk to your children before it’s too late!”

Another expert on teen culture stated: “Parents of the 50’s were the best type. Mom was always home, blacks were segregated, and dad always knew how to spot trouble and give a good, moral lesson. Today’s parents are mired in divorce, their petty materialistic cravings, and this horrible show called “Ally McBeal.” It’s no wonder teens today are violent killers.”

Sheldon Silversteinberg of the Boston Medical Association concurred: “There is a large measure of disconnect between teens and parents today. Because of the alienation, which until this decade had never existed among American youth, teens are more likely to plan acts of hideous violence of such a degree that Hollywood will be learning some pointers.”

But doesn’t the teen threat, the most insidious since the threat of communist takeover, go much deeper than previously thought? One CNN/MSNBC/CNBC panelist agreed: “There’s probably evidence that teens are ultimately responsible for 1980s highjackings and the current crisis in the Balkans. It’s all been a test run for their real agenda: destroying America.”

Journalists on the local reporting level also seemed to notice a direct correlation between excessive coverage of the impending doom of Teenage Armageddon and angst levels among parents. “We’re not quite sure what it is, but we’re doing more research,” one Salt Lake City anchorman noted.

But others were not waiting for any cautious, reasoned analysis. “Aaaaarrrggh! Aaaaaghh!” stated another CNN expert in teen behavior. “Panic! Panic!”