The groundbreaking study was started after a friend’s comment that the son of Dr. Henry Scoffield (l) looked more like his best friend (r) than him. Photo credit: Mrs. Henry Scoffield.

FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ | Northern Arizona University researchers today discovered that male sperm is primarily responsible for causing pregnancy in women, and that women are more likely to become pregnant by a lover than by a husband or boyfriend, even if she has relations with her partner several hours after screwing someone else.

The results of the two year study are expected to be published in the New Brunswick Journal of Medicine in October.

Dr. Henry Scoffield, primary investigator of the study, explained that the research definitively proved that male sperm was necessary for a woman’s egg to conceive, and that the ova sends out “radio broadcasts” for the most viable sperm, thus creating competition among sperm to fertilize the egg first. Researchers determined that the radio broadcasts could also be heard on FM stations in the lower 80 range.

“We’ve also been able to determine that not all sperm are designed to knock someone up,” Dr. Scoffield said. “A great number of sperm are designed to prevent another male’s sperm from reaching the female egg, so they fight until the offending sperm are dead. It’s pretty gross.”

As for the more controversial results, Dr. Scoffield explained: “We make biological choices for partners more than intellectual ones. For example, a woman may opt to have a stable man for a lifetime partner, but may also have a fling with an old boyfriend who isn’t as stable. He’s more likely to ejaculate more sperm in order to impregnate her, thus making his offspring more successful. If the woman then has sex with the poor cuckolded schmuck who thinks this she-devil bitch is faithful, biology is working against him. His sperm won’t stand a chance and will be picked off by the lover’s spunk.”

The study was conducted exclusively at the NAU campus, where, in Dr. Scoffield’s words, “we have a lot of sluts.” In fact, the genesis of the study was based on a friend’s casual observation that Dr. Scoffield’s firstborn didn’t exactly look like him. Dr. Scoffield hopes to submit the results of the study to medical journals in England and Britain.

Northern Arizona University is Arizona’s third state college, and houses the largest collection of books on audio tape.

Dr. Scoffield’s wife was unavailable for comment.