Those crazy illegals are at it again! This time, they’re putting their evil genius to work with the aid of America’s most beloved invention: the computer!

Unnamed sources at the State Department (who previously worked for Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr) have privately leaked the contents of a report to the press concerning a new threat in the illegal immigrant crisis: computers being used to make fake green cards.

While forged documents are old hat in the arena of illegal immigrants, the State Department’s report concludes that illegals are becoming more computer and Internet saavy and using desktop-publishing programs to produce sophisticated and very good green cards.

“While I’m supposed to be horrified, I quite admire the handiwork,” stated one border patrol agent who wished to remain anonymous. “The work is very good. They even got the fonts right.”

With the ability to purchase high-quality fonts on the Internet, fake green card fiends can mimic the real thing more accurately. And as desktop-publishing tools are becoming more feature rich, American law enforcement agencies are having a hard time catching up to learn criminals’ new tricks.

“I shed no tears for the current quandry,” stated Paco de la Cruz y Villareal, a potato farmer from Escobar, Mexico. “I find the American tendency to blame Mexicans for everything another display of ostentatious ignorance.”

Mr de la Cruz y Villareal noted that he knows several individuals who use high quality software programs to make fake green cards. “Their crime is helping out the American authorities to nab real criminals, much like hackers who are only interested in exposing security flaws in data systems, not to be malicious. I suppose the Americans are amazed that Mexicans know how to turn on a light bulb, much less run a computer. They’re used to us speaking rapidly, looking beaten, and living in shacks along the border, terrified by chupacabras.”

Some in the State Department voiced despair over having to learn new software programs in order to catch criminals. “I remember back in the day when a robber had only a pistol carved out of soap,” lamented one long-time official. “Nowadays, I have to attend seminar after seminar learning how to use new computer programs. And the criminals are picking up this stuff so fast that they’re two steps ahead of us!”

A software industry analyst had a different complaint: “I suppose Indian software isn’t good enough for the criminals. Did you know that most software in the world is produced in India? Oh, no, you wouldn’t know that if the Americans had their way. They think they produce the world’s only software. So, I feel this is their comeuppance, just like how we waged war and forcibly expelled the British and their smug, oh-so-superior civilization. Damn you to hell Queen Victoria! Damn you to hell!”

Other software industry spokesmen could offer no answers. “Our first inclination was to stop producing manuals in foreign languages, but with English the dominant tongue of the Internet, that wouldn’t amount to anything,” lamented one Silicon Valley rep. “Like the Y2K problem, we really shot ourselves in the foot.”

An exclusive interview with a producer of these fake green cards poo-poohed the State Department’s report. “I could say it’s the Third World’s revenge for Windows,” he noted while making a delicious dish of chorizo and cholent. “Or maybe it’s really frustration borne out of the fact that America refuses to standardize on the metric system, one of only three countries on Earth that don’t. They’re making much ado about nothing. Think of the money that we’re pumping into the American economy by buying legal copies of this overpriced software, that doesn’t come with a manual anymore, I might add. Besides, did anyone ever think of asking us politely to stop?”

The State Department declined to make an official statement.