Ever since that Alexander dude, the Greeks have been grasping at straws to get their culture back. Should we care?

The US State Department received an angry letter signed by hundreds of students in Greece last week demanding that the American government ban all fraternities and sororities across the nation. The letter was delivered via diplomatic pouch from the Greek embassy, State Department sources reported.

Andreas Theopompus, a graduate student at Athens University, began the drive about six months ago after visiting an American campus. “I was shocked, shocked!” he bellowed in a telephone interview. “These so-called Greeks on campus were loud, obnoxious, and constantly drinking. What’s worse is that none of them spoke a word of Greek.”

State Department sources confirmed that the letter complained wholesale about the misuse of Greek language on American campuses. Mr Theopompus said: “These so-called fraternities were more into making AIDS jokes than promoting Greek culture.” He added bitterly: “And when I showed one of them a copy of The Illiad, the guy remarked that he had no idea Homer Simpson was also an author.”

The American Greek Council issued a response expressing regret over the Greek students anger. “Fraternities do a great deal of community service,” spokesman John Alexander Smith stated. “While most of it is court-ordered, Greek organizations always give back to the communities they’re located in. We’ve been unfairly stereotyped by the nerds and hall monitors who couldn’t make it past pledge week.” He added contemptuously, “Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.” Representatives from Anheiser-Busch and Golden Eagle Distributors seconded Mr Smith’s remarks about how fraternities do their part on behalf of society.

Mr Smith’s sorority counterpart, Ms Sarah Weston-Parker, joined in on the chorus: “Like, this is way too lame. If it weren’t for us, like, no one would care about Greece at all. Nobody.” She also voiced doubt that the men of Greece had “adequate packages” which she contended was the real source of the friction.

Mr Theopompus almost pulled out his hair when read Ms Weston-Parker’s comments. “Do you see what I mean?” he thundered. “I don’t think any of these idiots could find Greece on a map!”

The State Department refused to give an official response to the protest.