Bucking a groundbreaking study that posited cow flatulence was one the causes of global warming, a new paper due to be published by JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) will offer the position that it’s actually human flatulence that’s behind the devastating ozone and global warming problem.

“What’s even more interesting about our findings,” stated Dr. Emilio Bravo of the University of Mexico, “is that we found a direct link between increased flatulence and the decay of moral fiber. You see when society loses its moral grip, things like farting don’t seem as taboo as they once did, so more people do it. When the society allows itself to become inundated with perversity, then a certain level of flatulence promiscuity occurs, which in turn, heats up the atmosphere even more.”

He cited a study of tribe in New Guinea that had extremely little contact with the modern world. In the study, the investigators were very impressed with the clear moral boundaries within in the tribe, despite them being non-Christians. When the Internet was introduced, the tribe began relaxing its rules to accommodate the new technology. That’s when more open-air flatulence began occurring. After the computers were unplugged for a weak, the rigid moral code reasserted itself and flatulence levels dwindled to pre-Internet readings.

Researchers in the United States have been busy running clinical trials to test Dr Bravo’s hypothesis, which he presented as a symposium in Los Angeles in 1998. Early reports do indeed indicate that in cities where there was a higher concentration of peep houses (except in rural Tennessee), gas levels were exceedingly high. Compared to rural areas (except in Kentucky), the levels were almost eighteen times the normal rate. Some of the heaviest concentrations of debauchery and gas were found at college fraternities.

“This is where the problem is at it’s most severe,” stated one researcher in America. ”Our test runs clearly showed that the problem hangs like a cloud over frats, what with so much depravity, drunkenness and repressed homosexuality going on. But in any case, we need more data to make a positive correlation.”

The National Greek Council of Fraternities declined to respond. Dr Bravo will be back in Los Angeles to present another paper on the worrisome subject in September of this year.