Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory are ready to release the shocking (shocking!) new results of a five-month study that proves thinking about the Earth being hit by an life-destroying asteroid is more likely to happen since people are thinking about it more.

“Despite the slow advance of human evolution and the precarious nature of our development,” stated Dr Richard Perry in a press conference, “our study shows that we are now more at risk for being hit by an asteroid that will wipe out all life on this planet because we know the risk exists.”

The Kitt Peak Laboratory in Arizona has independently confirmed the JPL’s study. “Since we began flooding the airwaves with stories about killer asteroids and near misses,” reported one scientist, “we’ve catalogued an increased number of comets and other cosmic debris slamming into the earth. This is unprecedented in the entire history of mankind, although in ancient times, nobody had a clue the threat was there. Aren’t we lucky to live in an age where we know asteroids are deliberately pointing themselves at Earth so as to destroy all human civilization? Talk about a bitch!”

Not all scientists were willing to make such a bold assertion, however. “This hypothesis is…crap,” stated Maria Sanchez, a researcher at Arizona State University. “How did this research get funded? There’s absolutely no way that thinking about asteroids hitting the Earth means that it going to happen.”
But Dr Perry countered: “It’s just that type of thinking that has put science at the mercy of small minds. She would have hanged Copernicus if she had the chance!”

Others were more concerned about the deeper implications of the impending report. “How long has the government known about this threat?” demanded one scientist requesting anonymity. “Why haven’t they disclosed to the American public the knowledge that asteroids are now more likely to hit because we know about the problem? Instead, they release reports of crash test dummies in the New Mexico desert as a diversion from the real threat. Damn you capitalist swine! Damn you all to hell!”

The State Department had no comment.