Kids may say the darndest things, but they sure do the damndest things!

The Journal of Institutionalized Health is set to publish its findings of a four-year study of 8-11 year olds with the conclusion that given the choice, children would rather touch a dead animal than pick their own noses.

The study flies right in the face of adult convention, and will shatter some cherised parental myths. “These findings will force a conceptual re-evaluation of parenting,” declared the study’s principal investigator, Dr. Elias Moreno of the Johns Hopkins School of Health. “The theories of Piaget and Dr. Spock will need to be completely overhauled to maintain their relevance.”

In tightly controlled clinical studies, researchers discovered that three of four children would touch the fake dead animal (”Scruffy”) rather than pick their noses, or even scratch their bottoms. The scientists would watch in abject horror as child after child would examine Scruffy’s remains when given the opportunity, abandoning a prime chance to explore their noses without adult disapproval. One researcher was so disraught over the results that she quit the study altogether and left the university.

Dr. Moreno postulated that perhaps the advent of the Internet and the notion of a global community had fostered in today’s youth a more mature outlook. Instead of children driven to whine and drive their parents insane, he reasoned, perhaps the desire to examine Scruffy indicated the emergence of a scientific drive to study the world, rather than recoil from it.

“ I’m intriuged by the possibilities,” he noted, “but I must admit I feel as shocked as the next adult.”
Yet Dr. Moreno’s own take on the stunning conclusion was derided as spin control by his opponents. Speaking on MSNBC, on a night not devoted to interviewing senators and pundits about Monica Lewinsky, Dr. Ellen Witherspoon-Silvington chastised Dr. Moreno: “He’s at a loss to explain this, and instead of figuring a way of this morass, he wants to turn children into little Clarence Darrows, enamored of the inherent godlessness of science. His data is clearly flawed.”

Others were equally harsh on Dr. Witherspoon-Silvington. Said study participant Billy Hendrix, age 11, “She talks too much. I was offended by her constant subtle once-overs of Brian Williams.” Added 10-year old Jacob Steinman as he watched his father put on tefillin for morning prayers, “Saying that the study has no merit because we did something unexpected is horseshit.”

For now, the bigger picture has been lost on confused parents and equally upset teachers, who now have no confidence in the teacher’s editions from where they get all their answers. “What do we do now, what do we do now?” cried one panicked educator of New York magnet school. School district offices have reported an increase in worried calls from parents and teachers, and special emergency sessions have been called. School administrators are stressing that everyone should not be alarmed by the study. And a group of researchers in Holland has promptly offered to run its own test and see if it can duplicate the phenomena.

“It could be just a fluke,” stated one administrator after hearing the announcement from the scientists in Holland. “The Dutch are more even handed in their endeavors. They’ll tell us what the truth is.”