Adult Video News (AVN), the pornography industry’s leading magazine, reported today that adult film stars would commit mass suicide sometime next year. The announcement was faxed to AVN’s headquarters by the head of the adult film stars union, Dick Sizemore.

“We can’t act, we can’t make real movies. We’re whores,” stated Mr Sizemore in his announcement. “Adult film stars know that they will never crossover into mainstream films, and this isn’t the kind of life that makes a difference. So we’re all calling it quits.”

“There’s been a deep existential crisis over the past five years,” stated industry analyst O. James Wilde, a contributor to AVN. “Some of it was alleviated by the success of getting academics to pretend that pornography offers some kind of societal function, what with these seminars that place in California and New York. But, even that hasn’t really solved the Satre-like longing for knowing what their existence is really about. Think of it like “No Exit” with a come shot.”

“Women in pornography generally have short life spans,” stated one actress, ur, performer. “The real money is in the dancing circuit, and that’s especially true since youth and beauty are all that count. Who wants to watch a fifty year-old woman do it all the time? That type of actress is pretty rare in these films. And they guys? Well, some of them should have been put out to pasture long ago.”

“The business is fickle, fickle, fickle, and I don’t really know what that word means,” stated one male performer. “I used to think, ’What kind of man wouldn’t want to have sex all day long with beautiful women?’ But that still didn’t answer why I am so fundamentally depressed. I’ve done lots of people, but I haven’t done anything. Besides, people rent and buy adult films but they look down on us. It hurts.”

Yet isn’t suicide a rather drastic measure?

“Not if you think of the ancient Greeks,” said Care Alot, a rather buoyant actress. “They all killed themselves rather than being taken hostage by Arab terrorists hiding in that big fake horse. It was noble for them to end it all, rather than submit to domination. So our decision to end it all, maybe after one huge gang bang, seems fitting. I mean, let’s face it, who’s gonna remember us?”

Another starlet concurred with her friend’s analysis: “Pornography is pornography. It serves no purpose. It doesn’t educate, it obsfucates. Wait, did I use that word right? Well, anyway, we’re just all a bunch of disembodied genitals. You think some fat slob who regularly attends porn conventions wants to know what’s going on in my head? Puh-leeze. It’s totally prepester, preponder...it’s fucking stupid!”

Some economic analysts were concerned by the impending sexual Jonestown. Americans, after all, spend well over a billion dollars a year renting and purchasing adult films and magazines, all while professing their deep religious and ethical convictions and blaming Bill Clinton for the nation’s moral decline. “There could be a significant impact on the economy,” stated one analyst for The Economist. “Yeah,” his colleague answered, “people may start reading books.”

“I don’t know if pornography leads to violence, or is the cause of all society’s ills,” stated Mr Sizemore in an exclusive interview, “but it doesn’t solve anything either. It’s like a slow suicide anyway, you know? Suicide is often considered the ultimate act of selfishness. Being a porn star is also an act of hedonistic selfishness. What good is the unexamined life? Hey, can we broadcast this on the Internet? ”