Let me present, if I may, my third entry in a continuing series dealing with the security guards at my place of employment. Imaging if you will….

..It’s 10pm, and the Data Center door slowly creeks open. A scuffed black shoe appears, quickly followed by a darting hand gripping a silver clipboard. A jacketed shoulder suddenly forces the heavy fireproof door into the rubber wall-stopper, and in lunges the security guard du jour. A short grey-haired man in his 30’s named Phil tosses me a quick wave through the fishbowl glass of my Data Center enclosure as he rounds the line of computer desks and slowly makes his way to the fire alarm console on the far wall. Phil is one of the few security guards I know that passes for a decent human being. The others I’m not so sure of…

One of these questionable security guards is a guy we've nicknamed “Chewbacca”. Chewbacca is a 20-something with wild, uncombed blond hair and a penchant for spending the majority of his shift in the toilet. What he does in there, we’re not quite sure…and we certainly try not to dwell on the subject. When Chewbacca does make an appearance, it’s usually in the hallways as he wanders from office to office trying to look as official as possible. We’ve found that it’s quite easy to sneak up on Chewbacca, but when we’re discovered walking from our office to the soda machine, Chewbacca spins around excitedly like a Dervish on ecstasy while loudly exclaiming “DON’T DO THAT!!” as he clutches his heart. I’d hate to see what Chewbacca would act like on the front line…

Another new security guard making his presence known is Mr. Bling Bling. This guy’s outfit is always clean and pressed. Bling Bling likes to sport gold bracelets, rings, and a snazzy thick necklace with a large cross. From what I can tell, his main duties include loping around the building as he stares at the ceiling, and hanging out in the kitchen while guarding the television (good thing it’s the basketball finals otherwise I’d fear he was bored). If what he does is a requirement of security guards, then he’s doing an ace number one happy-fun-time job.

The third and final new security guard at [my job] is Mr. No Eye Contact. This cat does his job making sure everything is locked down tight, all lights are turned off, and no alarms are present…but he does not make eye contact with anybody. I’ve tried to talk to Mr. No Eye Contact on several occasions, but he’s more interested in the floor, or the imaginary “something” that apparently hovers over my left shoulder, than talking to me (or anyone else). I find it a bit disconcerting when I’m talking to someone and they simply will not look at you in the eye. Perhaps that’s just me….?