Infomercials. I simply can not get enough of infomercials. I’ll sit on my couch at 2am slack-jawed and mentally drained as women with freakishly large collagen lips and their shameless male ex-actor counterparts hawk everything from sports memorabilia to get-rich-quick real estate scams. It’s like watching a boardwalk sideshow where the participants are so desperate for a payday that they’ll whore themselves out to low-ball companies and attempt to convince you to buy swampland in Arkansas or cheap sunglasses that will supposedly help you catch sea bass at an alarming rate (I’m pointing to you Erik “don’t call me Paunch” Estrada and Bruce “plastic surgery disasters” Jenner).

Last night as I was winding down from a marathon session of Perl scripting I happened upon the Home Shopping channel during their Knife Blowout sale. If I were so inclined I could purchase a mixed set of 150 knives for $220. If the low price and vast quantity of product wasn’t enough to sell me, they were willing to throw in a set of Samurai swords, an obscene looking 12” hand blade with a decorative dragon inlay, and something that looked more at home on the set of The Road Warrior or in the hands of Conan the Barbarian then it ever would mounted on my wall or hidden in the high school locker of a disturbed 10^th grader.

I think my main issue with these knife packages isn’t with the mind blowing number of sharp instruments available for one insanely low price, but rather with my inability to picture in my mind's eye the type of people who purchase such sets, and what exactly do they need so many knives for in the first place? I can understand the occasional dealer stocking up for resale, but what of the other 75% who long to not only own a 150 piece set of box cutter-sharp, dual-edged, titanium-tipped Vincent Black Shadows with fluid wrist-snap opening action, and who also can’t wait to get their hands on a replica hand-forged medieval Druid assassins stomach slitter or some such other questionable possession.

Are knife collectors the type of people who concern themselves with life issues such as saving up for little Timmy’s college fund, will the dry cleaning be done before that big meeting next week, and how exactly does the next door neighbor keep his lawn so green?

…Or are they early-morning tweakers more concerned about the NASCAR standings, should I upgrade to a double-wide, and is junior stealing my Budweiser?

And so I sit there in the dark with one hand on the remote and the other rubbing my eyes in confusion and bewilderment, wondering why I concern myself with such things. The way I look at it, if you want to collect knives, more power to you. Just please do us the favor of:

a) Never coming off your meds. Please stay mellow.
2) Never admit to being a knife collector. People will just look at you funny and think odd thoughts.



A cacophony of weaponry available for a mere pittance


A collection sure to put you on to the FBI's watch list


"...that's a knife!"