The following questionnaire was scientifically formulated to best
determine the potential psychosis-factor in any prospective hires for your
company. After the candidate has filled this test out completely, our
crack team of experts will evaluate his/her/its psychological profile to
give you the best idea of just how disturbed your subject is (or might
become after repeated exposure to administrative decrees and shifting
managerial allegiances).

ORIGINAL COPY: FOR DUPLICATION ONLY
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Remember: there are no wrong answers, but your performance on this test
will affect the quality of the rest of your life, occupational as well as
personal (though we do not believe in the 'personal' here). There is no
recommended time-frame but employers may set one should they have the
whim.

1. There are 3 kinds (or 'types') of women in the world. Please choose
your favorite:

a) Transsexual
b) Transsexual-appearing
c) Other

2. Please list your five (5) favorite types of anal discomfort.

3. In what type of climate are you most likely to swallow a bug?

b) Arid
c) Red
d) A foot of snow

4. Does tweed excite you?

5. Can you (or someone you know) answer the question "Do turtles have
teeth?"

6. Who put this wall here?

7. All your base
a) Are loaded
b) Have been evaluated
c) Are belong to us
d) Are delicious

8. How much could you buy with eleventy million dollars?

9. The fall of the Roman Empire was caused by pants. True or False?

10. When people do nice things for you, do you feel like you're being
punished for something?

11. All men in suits are Tony Randall. True or False?

12. On the surface of what type of lunchmeat are you most likely to find
secret messages?

13. Please write a short essay on the possible significance of "a white
room with black curtains."

14. Are the clothes you're wearing right now making you uncomfortable?

15. Do you have dreams of someday uniting with

a) The Dark Lord
b) The mothership
c) Judy Garland
d) Your soul mate
e) None of the above

16. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Why?

17. Is facial hair generally considered impolite?

18. Which of the following might be considered a 'lucky number'?

a) 1
b) 666
c) 149
d) 49
e) 12

19. Do you suffer from chronic hypothermia?

20. Television sets emit mind-controlling rays. True or False?

21. If you could go anywhere on earth, where would you go?

a) Belgium
b) Marlon Brando's Island
c) West
d) Not sure

22. Do you feel threatened by common household objects?

23. Which of the following best describes you?

a) A shadowy, lurking character
b) Prone to stomach cramps
c) Fingernail clippings
d) All of the above

24. How does plastic sound?

25. What are you most likely to have been doing 20 minutes ago?

26. Do you believe your headaches are caused by:

a) Mommy
b) Tony Randall
c) A red dress
d) The Vile Destructor of Beta IX

27. Do you sometimes feel tingly sensations 'down there'?

28. Which of the following best describe your feelings about spinach:

a) Wet
b) Headache
c) Rubber pants
d) I hate you

29. Thanksgiving is an American holiday celebrating what?

a) The imperialist Western expansion into the new world
b) God and the bible
c) Glue, scissors, and construction paper
d) Spit-shined boots and leather gloves

30. Tell me what you're feeling RIGHT NOW.

31. A bird in the pocket is worth

a) One in my pants
b) Two in the bush
c) An angry elephant at Busch Gardens
d) I'm going to Disneyworld

32. A naughty child should be punished

a) Harshly
b) Severely
c) Spanky
d) Sweetly

33. What am I holding in my left hand?

34. Could the statement "I am influenced by many things" apply to you?

a) Yes
b) No

35. If presented with a simple mathematical problem, would you
a) Make an attempt to solve it
b) Look dejected
c) Apply pressure to the wound
d) Stop, drop, and roll

36. Lying is acceptable when you need to cover up a crime. True or False?

37. The world is a filthy, rotten, stinking hole. I was sent to
clean it up.
a) Agree
b) Disagree

38. If you type the numbers 1134 on a calculator and turn it upside down,
what does that spell?

39. I attend church

a) Regularly
b) Obsessively
c) Never
d) Not sure

40. If I was going to change my hair color, I would choose the color
pink (if female: purple).
a) Agree
b) Disagree

41. Have you ever been affiliated with some kind of organization?

42. Which of the following might be found in your closet (you may choose
more than one):

a) Important court documents
b) Skeletons
c) Unusual photographs
d) Used needles
e) Other people's clothes
f) Expired government cheese

43. I have strong political concerns

a) Yes
b) No
c) Sometimes
d) Drug testing in the workplace
e) I prefer football

44. Do you still like to party?

a) Yes
b) No
c) I was just out of college, I didn't know what I wanted to do with
my life

45. Have you ever owned a cowboy hat?

a) Yes
b) No

46. Most laundromats are really mafia fronts. True or False?

47. Charleton Heston truly is the King of Kings. True or False?

48. What reaction do you USUALLY have to people with clean, straight,
white teeth:

a) Distrust
b) Crippling jealousy
c) Temporary blindness
d) All of the above

49. Have you (or anyone who know) ever been to a foreign country?

50. Choose the nickname that best describes you:

a) Number nothing
b) Big poppa
c) Fruity the fairy
d) Fearless leader
e) Jiggles

**END PART ONE**

Thank you for your time, and remember: your rights are important to us,
but not as important as satisfying someone else's moral code. Someone
who is richer than you. Good luck.