"A Seminal Release" 

 A Work of Bad Erotic Fiction By Nick Flanagan 


 Jordan Michael-Thompson was a beautiful girl with an 
 eye for fashion and huge tits that you could grab and 
 squeeze but only if she allowed it. She had an 
 affinity for world music and one day she sashayed 
 hornily into her neighbourhood recorded-music store 
 because she was in the mood to buy a compact disc from 
 South Africa. As she walked in she noticedÊthere was a 
 really hot security guard. He had a shaved head and 
 was well over the arena of six feet tall; his eyes 
 were blue and his crotch bulged in a manner that 
 suggested he had a giant dick. She got so much more 
 horny at that point! Jordan winked at security guard. 
 Security guard returned wink. "Hello." His hot smile 
 said, reminding her of just what his mouth might be 
 capable of. She got wetter vaginally. 

 "Can I help you??" He added hungrily, his eyes glued 
 to what he imagined to be perfectionate breasts hidden
 underneath her six hundred dollar cashmere sweater. 
 Had he thought about the treasures that lay inside of 
 her downstairs box, he was sure his weiner might 
 explode within the capri confines of his khaki pants. 
 He tried not to think about that because he was on 
 the job. 
 
 Sensually, she took his hand. 

 "I think you should go on coffee break right now. I 
 need to find a good world music album."ÊÊShe rubbed 
 her fat ones against his uniform as she told him the 
 plan. He was so "sexcited." 

 "My boss will kill me. I don't even know your name!" 

 "The only thing you need to know is I don't have AIDS." 
 She said, as she unzipped his pants and fondled his 
 hairy, peach coloured ballsack with her smooth, 
 effeminate hands. She leaned in and began darting her 
 healthy pink tongue in and out of his right ear, and his 
 dong began to well up with the juice of man as she did 
 this.ÊÊHe undid her designer belt and slid his 
 worker-hands down her pants and into the folds of her 
 thong underwear, careful to note that her sex was as 
 shaved as the top of his head was. 
 
 He began to finger wantonly. Her cries rose in volume 
 and she pulled his now hard stick out of the sweaty 
 confines of his pants and underwear. She was happy to 
 note it was the size of a CD tower. And just as 
 fucking hard!!!! He threw her on the floor and began 
 to eat of her.ÊÊThe slobbering wetness within her cooch 
 tumbled into the gaping and welcoming hole of his mouth 
 as he used his powerful tongue to deliver the news.ÊThe 
 news was that he was giving her a fantastic orgasm! He 
 turned her on her side and licked her ass afterwards.Ê
 The brownest hole tasted fine to him that day because 
 Jordan was beautiful. She also had something to say. 

 "Can you recommend any world musicÊto me? Is South 
 Africa good?" 

 "The racist country?" he replied, positioning his 
 cockmeat within grasp of her pouting lips, "I have the 
 perfect album for you." He got up and his boner looked 
 hot to her as he walked and she licked it and he picked 
 up Paul Simon's album Graceland from the world music 
 shelf, as prejaculate oozed from his swollen urethra.Ê
 He shoved the CD in her attentive clam, causing her 
 sweat-filled mound to quiver. 
 
 "Paul Simon recorded this with South African musicians.Ê
 I want you to have it." Jordan stumbled out of the 
 building with a compact disc inside her cunt.
 
 It felt like a classic. 


 =========================================================
 

 "EROTIC STORY OF STAPP"
 
  A Work of Bad Erotic Fiction By Nick Flanagan 
 
 Have you ever partied with and fucked your idol in the 
 ass? This is my story and I HAVE. His name: Scott Stapp. 
 His game: rocking out in my favourite band in the world. 
 I can't believe I need to tell you this but in case you 
 didn't know his band is Creed. I fuckin' totally did not 
 know I was even gay until I looked at this man, but as 
 soon I as I did I was. Know what I mean? He's got 
 piercing blue eyes and a weak chin that I just picture 
 him drooling my semen down into a bowl with. Who knew it 
 would actually happen'!? I didn't! 
 
 So I go to the Creed concert and as usual, Scott is 
 drunk onstage. He's wailing, theÊÊband is tight.ÊÊI see 
 my friend Snooker and he's like "Dude check these out!" 
 and he fuckin' completely has backstage passes to the 
 max. 
 So I'm like "Feaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Fuckin D come T!!!!!!" 
 Dream come true is what I mean for those not in the know. 
 So me and Snooker hop backstage early and it's like a 
 fuckin' dream: we open up the doors and all the roadies 
 are full-on licking each others asses and they're like 
 "Join the party?" and of course we did, much not to our 
 mutual chagrin. Or in this case--moreÊlike "Shaggin." 
 As in fucking! 

 Five minutes and two and a half rimjobs later, Creed has 
 finished their boffo encore and (dick-wise) I'm totally, 
 totally hard. Plus my ass is clean thanks to a certain 
 roadie's worthy mouth. Have you ever had your ass hair 
 ripped out by somebody's teeth? Not til that day I hadnt! 
 Totally!ÊSo anyway, Scott sits down in a big throne-like 
 chair. Did I mention he had a huge boner??? I thought it 
 would be obvious. Every rocker has a boner apres rocking. 
 It's a fact bitch!ÊÊI go up behind him (no pants) and 
 start kneading the strong muscles in his back. He reeks 
 of sherry and it turns me the fuck on. While I'm massaging, 
 I'm alsoÊgrinding my nuts and rod against his back to let 
 him know what I'm all about. He's slurring his speech, 
 injecting horse, winding down. I'm loving this! So I 
 move one of my hands from massaging his back to the front 
 of his body, and I start squeezing his hefty man-tits. He 
 holds my hand and says "Do you like heroin Jason?" and I 
 go "Do I? That's how I got through the Hogan Family!" 
 (Not to mention Teen Wolf Too) and we both retire to his 
 hotel room and shoot up together. It's the second time 
 that night for him! I told you he was a partier!ÊÊSo I go 
 to the bathroom to "freshen up," and I come back out and 
 motherfucker's wearing nothing at all. Nada! Plus he's 
 spreading his asshole wide open to show me his warts. 
 I'm cool with warts. So I take my dick out and start 
 fucking the dude complete raw-dog, I mean it's rough. He 
 bleeds, my dick starts to sting...eventually I come but 
 it's not that satisfying. He asked me to call the hospital 
 but I just said "Hey fuck you buddy! Pay me!" and he gives 
 me twenty bucks and I jet. In case it wasn't made clear, I 
 spent all my sitcom money years ago and nowadays I'm a 
 male hustler.ÊÊI hope I get cancer and die.ÊÊMy life is 
 shit. The only money I get is from Jerry O'Connell using 
 my stage name for the role he plays on Arrested 
 Development. 

 
 sincerely, 
 Jason Bateman