Fact or Fiction?

The following bits of pipe lore have been uncovered deep within the underground and heavily guarded vaults of the Oom Palace. You may have heard of many of these before, however, I believe you'll find their charm unending in any case.

- A pipe buried at least a hands length in the soil before the onset of a full moon then unearthed after the full moon will never yield tongue bite and will protect the riteful owner from swamp hags. Fact. It is worth noting that this has no effect on sea hags, but only swamp hags.

- Tobacco resealed with the inclusion of an orange peel will retain the correct amount of moisture and protect from contamination of any kind. Fiction. The pelt of a field mouse however, does yield this result.

- Leaving a lit pipe for any amount of time can bring bad fortune. Fact, but only if it is left out of one's sight. So long as you can see your pipe, you are safe, however, it is when you are out of sight from your lit pipe that the fairy folk or pict people begin puffing on your orphaned companion. The miniscule amounts of fairy breath left behind a quick pict puff can result in stomach sickness, death, or both. It is well known that a popular game with the picts is daring one to another to partake of a human's lit pipe.

- English blend tobaccos carry a heavier punch than any other blends due to the latakia content. Fiction. While English blend tobaccos can make a person feel light headed, this effect is only sometimes felt by persons born in the continental United States, or happens to be a pisces of late February. This effect, however, has nothing whatsoever to do with latakia.

- Virginia tobacco blends are all made by virgins. Fiction. Only the harvesting of the leaves themselves are gathered by virgin men and women (hence the name) as they can still locate the best leaves. All other parts of production can be done by non-virgins.

- Aromatic tobaccos are produced by soaking the least desirable tobacco leaves in flavored medicinal syrups which promote pheromone receptor activity by as much as 400%. Fact. Researchers have found a direct correlation between the smoking of aromatic tobaccos to the randyness of those individuals.

- Sulfur tipped matches taint the taste of your tobacco upon lighting. Fiction. The burning of sulfur, however, does attract witches, which, coincidently, is not a bad thing.

- Santa smokes a pipe. Fact! If there were any doubt, and I don't think there was even a speck, yes, he has been seen on many occasions smoking a pipe. No less than 73 records exist showing either Santa, Mrs. Claus, or one of the elves ordering pipes from various sources. Also note, Mrs. Claus and Frosty the Snowman are also pipesmokers.

- A pipe with holly carved into it gives the owner druidic powers. Fact! The problem with this is knowing exactly what that means (consult local druid.)

- Navy flake can be substituted for mistletoe with equal effect. Fiction! I have heard this one for quite some time now. Our labs at the OomPalace have shown that Navy flake, when held above the head of the one from whom you desire a kiss, causes said non-participant in kissing game to narrow the eyes, bring forth a frown and withdraw from your immediate area.

- A corn cob pipe is Frosty the Snowman's favorite type of pipe. Fiction! A briar poker is Frosty's pipe of choice. The song in question was written by a fellow with ties to the corn industry. Having said that, it is true that Frosty does smoke a cob from time to time.

- An acorn shaped pipe placed at a window will keep lightning out. Fact. I have also tried this with pipes called acorns by the carvers which look nothing like acorns. Even in this scenario it works. Do not try with non acorn shapes or pipes not called acorns by their carvers.

- Smoking an apple shaped pipe once a day can chase off a cold (an apple a day keeps the doctor away.) Fiction. At least 2 bowls from an apple will chase off a cold. Best results are found if the first is smoked before noon and the second after noon.

- A pipe made on a Tuesday is full of grace. Fact. There is one machine made pipe company that knows this very well and only finishes their pipes on Tuesdays. Consequently, they are the best machine made pipes in existance.

- If the first pipe you see in the new year is white, you will have good luck the entire year. Fact. Watch the wise pipesmoker place his meer at his bedside on new year's eve night before bed, or in his pocket if he stays up late.

- If a bee enters your home, it is a sign that you will have a new pipe soon. Fact! The first time this happened to me, a bee of the bumble variety entered my abode, and while unwelcome at first, I allowed his presence once I remembered this truth. The very next day I purchased a fine Ardor pipe.

- To protect yourself from witches, wear a blue bead. Fiction! Wearing a blue bead or smoking a pipe adorned with any blue facet actually attracts witches, which, is a good thing. Especially if one is in need of a toad poultice.

- Do not lean a broom against a bed or else your pipe will sour. Fact! The broom must touch the mattress for this to be true. If it only touches the frame, no problem will arise.

- If you bid a friend farewell while smoking a bridge pipe (one fashioned to show an area of briar spanning over a removed portion) you will never see that friend again. Fact! Bidding a friend farewell should only be done when smoking a billiard, apple, or calabash pipe.

- If a person with red hair is the first to cross your home's threshold in the new year, you will have bad luck that year. Fact! While this is completely true, if that person is either smoking a pipe, or gifts a pipe to you within thirty days, no bad luck will come of it.

- To protect yourself from vampires, smoke a pipe resembling garlic. Fact! Pipe makers living in areas that are heavily populated with vampires know this one all too, well.

- A scotched pot never soils. Fact! However, the scotch used to treat the pipe must be from a variety of distilleries (try the Monster brand for this.) Never try this with any shape other than a pot shape.

—Olie Sylvester
Baron, International Oom Paul Society of Non-Typicals