Guarantees, Upkeep and Disclaimers
Ashes to Ashes Guarantee... NEW!
The new "Ashes to Ashes" guarantee on all Monstrosity pipes is like no other. Each adopted Monstrosity not only comes with an owners certificate, but also a lifetime guarantee against burnout, stem breakage and even bite through. If the problem can not be fixed, you are entitled to the next pick of the litter. Are you a clencher like me and worried that you'll bite through a stem? The maimed stems work great for clenchers due to the texture. If you chew through it, I will replace it. Color of stem and stain vary with stock. Here's one pipe you'll never be afraid to knock around and get ugly.
Briar specifics
Each pre-drilled Grecian block has been seasoned at least five years to accentuate it's beastly qualities. The specific land area each Monstrosity comes from is a place known for having soil comprised of equal parts eccentricity, strangeness and general disregard for normalcy which seeps into the briar for years before it is loudly extracted from the earth. Harvested by only the bravest, no exporter in their right mind will lay claim to the birth of any Monstrosity.
Smokeability
Each Monstrosity pipe has vowed (in writing) to be a fine smoker to it's potential owner. These written records are kept at the Oom Palace should they ever be needed for the Owner’s sake. If you are dissatisfied with your Monstrosity for any reason, please contact us immediately and we will take whatever measures necessary to rectify the situation with your beast. Monstrosity pipes are kits transformed into art forms which happen to be smokeable. Monstrosities do not allow their creator to enhance their inner engineering in any way. No Monstrosity is ever under any illusion as to its roots or worth, but instead, flaunts it's very existence, scars, and lacerations with strange pride.
Cages
Monstrosity pipes each come with their own, completely unique cage. Each cage was built specifically for each Monstrosity. Please allow your Monstrosity to cool prior to returning it to its cage after smoking. If traveling with a Monstrosity, please, please, take the cage with you. All I wish to say about this is, an ounce of prevention, my friend...it keeps us all happy. Monstrosities become accustomed to their new habitats but are only happy outside of thier abodes when they are "calming," which is the word they use for being smoked.
Upkeep
You will notice that each Monstrosity contains no fills, but instead, flaunts pits, scratches, cuts, etc. When cleaning, please only concern yourself with the inner workings of the pipe. Monstrosities wear their aging like badges of honor and will fervently, dramatically, and sometimes even violently reject outer cleaning and buffing of any kind. The small amount of carnuba wax they arrive with on their outer skin and scales should be the last they ever see. Should you decide to buff your Monstrosity or better yet, request a professional to buff your Monstrosity without warning them of the nature of your beast, we can not be responsible for any ensuing "incidents." Should you be lucky enough to acquire one of the Monstrosities with a vulcanite stem, revel in the oxidation as much as your beast will.
If oxidation happening at the point of contact becomes more than you personally desire, treat only this area. Even then, please treat this area if you absolutely must, only after wrestling with the question for 7 or more nights.
Breaking In
At the request of each beast, the bowl has been carbon coated. Do not add anything except your favorite tobacco when you are ready to smoke. At break in, Monstrosities are known to playfully wrestle, scratch and nip.
Acknowledgements
While two full time pipe making professionals should be recognized for their roles in processes both before and after the creation of each Monstrosity, their terms for ongoing contact include keeping them completely nameless, nay, feigning ignorance when their names are mentioned, even if unrelated to pipes.
Disclaimer
Any injury resulting from improper or proper handling of a Monstrosity, while surely a tragedy, is not our responsibility. If you choose to become the owner of a Monstrosity, you also acquire the responsibility for its behavior and actions. You’ve are now warned.
We hope your Monstrosity brings you hours of pleasure...well, one can always hope.