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Published On: Mar 24, 2005 02:21 PM
Published On: Mar 24, 2005 02:21 PM
Thu - March 24, 2005
Interesting Stuff...
So You think you Know
everything?........
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capones's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in
the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will
spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the
left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether
they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.
.............Now you know everything
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capones's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in
the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will
spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the
left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether
they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.
.............Now you know everything
Posted at 01:54 PM
Bobbitt Family Update...
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it
was announced that
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister
had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as
accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,
and Louella has been charged with
Scroll Down
A Misdewiener!
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister
had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as
accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,
and Louella has been charged with
Scroll Down
A Misdewiener!
Posted at 01:07 PM
Little Johnny...
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and the new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house,
little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby
had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned
anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears,
he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "what a beautiful baby."
The mother said, " why thank you little Johnny."
Johnny said, "he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes, can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
When mother and the new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house,
little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby
had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned
anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears,
he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "what a beautiful baby."
The mother said, " why thank you little Johnny."
Johnny said, "he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes, can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
Posted at 12:23 PM
Fri - February 11, 2005
Thu - February 10, 2005
Fun weekend in Kansas...
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!
Posted at 11:48 AM
Sun - February 6, 2005
Hospital story...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears in his
room to sponge his hands and feet, and he mumbles from
behind the mask:
- Nurse, are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask:
- Nurse, are my testicles black?
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other hand, takes a close look and says:
- There's nothing wrong with them!
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly:
- That was really nice, but listen very, very closely:
Are... my...test... results... back?
Posted at 08:17 AM
Too Funny...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6
days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home . . . maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off!
(Honey, I'm home. What the . . ?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes . . . lucky pig . . . can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life . . quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmm . . )
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing . )
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home . . . maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off!
(Honey, I'm home. What the . . ?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes . . . lucky pig . . . can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life . . quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmm . . )
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing . )
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)
Posted at 08:02 AM
Tue - January 25, 2005
THOUGHTS TO END 2004 by Andy Rooney...
Number 12 - Life is sexually
transmitted.
Number 11 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
Number 10 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an
erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 9 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 8 - Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for
anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 7 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of
nothing.
Number 6 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Number 5 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to
criticism.
Number 4 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 3 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004:
Terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas for
as long as
10-15 years. Now take Blockbuster - You're two days late with a video
rental and
those people are all over you..... I think we should put Blockbuster in
charge of
our immigration.
Happy New Year!
Andy Rooney
Number 11 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
Number 10 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an
erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 9 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 8 - Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for
anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 7 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of
nothing.
Number 6 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Number 5 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to
criticism.
Number 4 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 3 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004:
Terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas for
as long as
10-15 years. Now take Blockbuster - You're two days late with a video
rental and
those people are all over you..... I think we should put Blockbuster in
charge of
our immigration.
Happy New Year!
Andy Rooney
Posted at 05:25 PM
Ronald Reagan
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
- Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
- Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten
Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
- Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
- Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
- Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
- Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be
summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
- Ronald Reagan
Posted at 04:44 PM
S.A.T. Tests - Unbelievable...
S.A.T. TESTING
The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16
years-old students! Don't laugh--one of them could be president one day!
Q: Name the four
seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no
water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "caesarian Section."
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no
water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "caesarian Section."
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Posted at 03:45 PM
Kansas according to Jeff Foxworthy...
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights
each year because it's the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Kansas.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
you might live in Kansas.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Kansas.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Kansas.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed
a wrong number, you might live in Kansas.
You know you’re a true Kansan when:
"Vacation" means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means Oklahoma.
A brat is something you eat.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
You go out to a tail gate party every Friday.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Kansas friends.
Posted at 03:17 PM
Three things to think about...
Zero
Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes
in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used
a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and well, we're not using it anymore."
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes
in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used
a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and well, we're not using it anymore."
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.
Posted at 02:22 PM
Don't count out the old guy...
A farmer goes out one day and buys a
brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and
says,
"OK old fart, time for you to
retire."
The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens. Look what it
has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the
corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are
washed up and I
am
taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will
race you around the farmhouse. Whoever
wins gets the
exclusive
domain
over the entire chicken
coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know
you
don't
stand a chance old man. So, just to
be fair I will
give you
a
head start." The old rooster
takes off running.
About 15
seconds
later
the
young rooster takes off
running after him. They round the
front
porch
of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has
closed the gap.
He
is
already about 5 inches behind the old
rooster
and gaining fast.
The
farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot
on
the front porch when
he
sees
the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
He
blows
the
young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his
head and says, "... third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with
the OLD FARTS -
age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill.
Posted at 02:09 PM
Bet you can't read these and not smile...
1. How Do You Catch a Unique
Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
Posted at 01:51 PM
Sat - January 1, 2005
Ponderisms...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until
I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit! , then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists
most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit! , then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists
most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
Posted at 04:52 PM
Wed - December 22, 2004
Sat - December 18, 2004
Local FBI warning In Pennsylvania!
The FBI has issued a
warning
in Lancaster County.
They suspect a terrorist
may be hiding among!
the Amish community.
This photo provided the first clue
that triggered the investigation:
in Lancaster County.
They suspect a terrorist
may be hiding among!
the Amish community.
This photo provided the first clue
that triggered the investigation:
Posted at 06:31 AM
Different perspective on RedNeck,,,
A little different from what you were
probably expecting...
You might be a redneck if. . .it never
occurred to you to be
offended by the phrase, One nation, under God. . .
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments
posted in public places.
You still say Christmas; instead of Winter Festival.
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play
the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no
matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to
take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values
home, family, country and God. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grits --
that's not all rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of them. If I
had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd
choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
offended by the phrase, One nation, under God. . .
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments
posted in public places.
You still say Christmas; instead of Winter Festival.
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play
the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no
matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to
take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values
home, family, country and God. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grits --
that's not all rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of them. If I
had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd
choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
Posted at 06:25 AM
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Mon - December 13, 2004
Thu - December 9, 2004
The way kids see things...
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Posted at 08:23 PM
Sheer Lingerie...
A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood
to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on; I'll do the modeling naked, return it
to the store tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good grief! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on; I'll do the modeling naked, return it
to the store tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good grief! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
Posted at 08:21 PM
Tech support...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Posted at 08:19 PM
Wed - December 1, 2004
Fri - November 19, 2004
Wed - November 3, 2004
Thu - October 28, 2004
Sat - October 23, 2004
Fri - October 8, 2004
Priceless...
Hooded winter jacket with large
inside
pocket to conceal gun:
$65.00
9mm handgun purchased
up the block from Jay-Jay:
$150.00
Failure to retain weapon during planned armed robbery:
PRICELESS!!!!!
pocket to conceal gun:
$65.00
9mm handgun purchased
up the block from Jay-Jay:
$150.00
Failure to retain weapon during planned armed robbery:
PRICELESS!!!!!
Posted at 08:07 PM
Thu - September 23, 2004
Sad, but supposedly true...
FEMALE SOFA ----- A 500lb. woman from
Illinois was examined in a
hospital.
During
the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was
found
under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds
of her vulva. No Joke!
PRICKLY PAIR----- OUCH! In Michigan, a man ! came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a hardened mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel?!!. The concrete then hardened (no s$#t!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia and surgery, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy don't we live sheltered lives)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man!!! While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU ! were having a bad day!!!!
PRICKLY PAIR----- OUCH! In Michigan, a man ! came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a hardened mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel?!!. The concrete then hardened (no s$#t!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia and surgery, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy don't we live sheltered lives)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man!!! While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU ! were having a bad day!!!!
Posted at 10:18 AM
Thu - September 16, 2004
Living in 2004...
You know you're living in 2004
when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
4. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
4. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Posted at 12:01 PM
Mon - September 6, 2004
The Old Man
One sunny day in 2005, an old man
approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I
would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside
here." The old man said, "Okay," and
walked away.
The following day, the same man
approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Kerry."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as
I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The
man thanked him and again walked
away.
The third day, the same man approached
the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go
in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at
this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a
row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you
already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't
you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand.
I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, sir."
Posted at 06:03 PM
Fri - September 3, 2004
BILL GATES, HIGH SCHOOL ADDRESS...
Love him Or hate him, he Sure
hits the nail on the head with This
!
To Anyone with Kids of any age, Here's some advice Bill Gates
gave in a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not
and Will Not learn in School.
He talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created
a generation of kids with no concept of Reality, and how this concept
set them up for failure in the Real World.
Rule 1 : Life is Not fair -- get used to it !
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem... The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good
about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year.. right out of high school. ..
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone... Until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners & losers, but Life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer...
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very
few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life, people actually have to leave
the coffee shop, and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to Nerds... Chances are ...
you'll End up... Working for One.
////////////
If you can Read this - Thank a teacher !
If you are Reading it in English - Thank a Soldier !
To Anyone with Kids of any age, Here's some advice Bill Gates
gave in a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not
and Will Not learn in School.
He talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created
a generation of kids with no concept of Reality, and how this concept
set them up for failure in the Real World.
Rule 1 : Life is Not fair -- get used to it !
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem... The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good
about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year.. right out of high school. ..
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone... Until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners & losers, but Life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer...
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very
few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life, people actually have to leave
the coffee shop, and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to Nerds... Chances are ...
you'll End up... Working for One.
////////////
If you can Read this - Thank a teacher !
If you are Reading it in English - Thank a Soldier !
Posted at 10:13 AM
Thu - September 2, 2004
Fri - August 27, 2004
The Wedding Dress...
There was a much married
woman who walked into
a
bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking
for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with
a veil."
The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she
finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered
more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time -
for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"
"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put
out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages,
I remain as innocent as any first time bride."
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to the reception and have not spoken since.
We had that wedding annulled immediately."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales
clerk. "Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every
night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and
told me how good it was going to be."
bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking
for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with
a veil."
The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she
finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered
more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time -
for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"
"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put
out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages,
I remain as innocent as any first time bride."
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to the reception and have not spoken since.
We had that wedding annulled immediately."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales
clerk. "Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every
night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and
told me how good it was going to be."
Posted at 08:55 AM
Thu - August 19, 2004
Wed - August 18, 2004
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
by Dave
Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine… They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine… They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Posted at 03:46 PM
Sat - August 14, 2004
Fri - August 13, 2004
HOW D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S LIBERAL PRESS:
June 6, 1944 - NORMANDY-
Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more
wounded today in the first
hours of America's invasion of continental Europe.
Casualties were heaviest among
women and children.
Most of the French casualties
were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting
to knock out German
fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.
Reports from a makeshift
hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was
far
worse than the French had
anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high.
"We are dying for no reason,"
said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans
can't even shoot straight. I
never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."
The invasion also caused severe
environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery
destroyed miles of pristine
shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was
believed that the habitat of
the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species
with extinction. A
representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the
invasion
for over a year, was appalled
at the destruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how
the military destroys the
environment without a second thought, "said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all
about corporate greed."
Contacted at his Manhattan
condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris
when Hitler invaded said the
invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone
knows the President Roosevelt
has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry
is conquered, Roosevelt's beer
cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."
Administration supporters said
America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of
controversial scientist Albert
Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were
developing a secret weapon, a
so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a
scale never seen before and
cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler
has
denied having such a weapon and
international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after
spending two long weekends in
Germany.
Shortly after the invasion
began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by
Americans.
Mistreatment of Jews by Germans
at so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored but so far,
remains unproven. Several
thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French
officials are concerned that
uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have
planned for this in advance,"
they said. "It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up."
Posted at 10:25 PM
Sun - August 8, 2004
Sat - August 7, 2004
Kerry Iraq Documentary...
Is this guy a piece of work or what?
080304v1-1.wmvWindow Media
Posted at 10:12 AM
Wed - August 4, 2004
Lawyer & his BMW...
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW
in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As
he got out, a
truck came along, too close to the curb, and
completely tore off the
driver's door of the BMW.
The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone,
dialled 911, and
it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman
pulled up. Before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically.
His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how the body shop
tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,
the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that
you neglect the most important things in
life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The
cop replied, "My
God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped
God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped
off when the truck hit you!!!" "My God!" screamed the
lawyer...........
"Where's my Rolex?!!"
Posted at 10:52 PM
Ten Best Remarks Made by a Caddy...
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm! going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 best caddy comment:Ten Best Remarks Made by a Caddy
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Golfer: "Think I'm! going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 best caddy comment:Ten Best Remarks Made by a Caddy
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Posted at 10:43 PM
Fri - July 30, 2004
This Land... Classic
Go here: http://jibjab.com/ Cut and
paste
Go here: http://jibjab.com/ Just Cut and paste
Posted at 12:28 PM
Mom has the Flu...
(Notes
pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by
her
well-meaning husband.)
MONDAY A.M.
My Dearest:
Please sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off
to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: finger-sandwiches
and fruit cup. Thermos of hot tea by the bedside. See you around 6:00.
Hope you're feeling better.
TUESDAY A.M.
Honey:
Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. I tried to catch it. Hope you got back
to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their thermos bottles?
Apparently not a good idea. The school might call you on this. Dinner
may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research.
Your lunch is in refrigerator.
Hope you like leftover chili.
WEDNESDAY A.M.
Dear Doris:
Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister?!! If
you have time, could you please come up with a likely place to find Chris' missing shoes?
We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, backseat of the car and wood box.
Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for
you on a napkin in the frig. Am trying to find out what smells in the kitchen. Will be late
tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat-packing house.
THURSDAY A.M.
Doris:
Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M.
Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? I thought it was
automatic...
Guess not.
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small
boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you
open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
FRIDAY A.M.
Hey:
Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink! Am trying to restore pink
dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight the ironing will be folded, the house
cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
well-meaning husband.)
MONDAY A.M.
My Dearest:
Please sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off
to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: finger-sandwiches
and fruit cup. Thermos of hot tea by the bedside. See you around 6:00.
Hope you're feeling better.
TUESDAY A.M.
Honey:
Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. I tried to catch it. Hope you got back
to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their thermos bottles?
Apparently not a good idea. The school might call you on this. Dinner
may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research.
Your lunch is in refrigerator.
Hope you like leftover chili.
WEDNESDAY A.M.
Dear Doris:
Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister?!! If
you have time, could you please come up with a likely place to find Chris' missing shoes?
We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, backseat of the car and wood box.
Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for
you on a napkin in the frig. Am trying to find out what smells in the kitchen. Will be late
tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat-packing house.
THURSDAY A.M.
Doris:
Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M.
Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? I thought it was
automatic...
Guess not.
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small
boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you
open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
FRIDAY A.M.
Hey:
Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink! Am trying to restore pink
dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight the ironing will be folded, the house
cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
Posted at 11:53 AM
New School Prayer...
Now I sit me down in
school,
Where praying is against the rule,
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall,
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
Where praying is against the rule,
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall,
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
Posted at 11:48 AM
Is Edna anyone you know...
Jim and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right
after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right
after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
Posted at 11:42 AM
News Report... Classic
This is
too funny!! Watch the little critter, a small desert lizzard, on the
left side of the table. Remember the man on the left is concentrating on
the snake the other guy is holding. If you don't have sound it may not
seem as funny. This news guy will never live this down, that's for
sure!!!!
lizard.wmv
lizard.wmvPosted at 11:13 AM
The next President...
We definitely need a
change!!
Don't vote Democrat,
Don't vote Republican
VOTE REDNECK!
Some folks are getting really worried
because yet another candidate from Texas
has entered the 2004 Presidential race .
and those same folks are very concerned
about the possible complications of
having someone as "down-home Southern boy"
as Willie living in the White House ....
and that really has NASA worried big time ......
It was even enough to make
Martha Stewart's magazine empire
sit up and take notice:
Even Bill Gates has his
Microsoft system programmers
making allowance for that possibility ....
and the followers of NASCAR auto racing
are really liking the idea that one of their own
might end up having his say about Air Force One
Yee Haw ... See you rednecks at the voting places.
Don't vote Democrat,
Don't vote Republican
VOTE REDNECK!
Some folks are getting really worried
because yet another candidate from Texas
has entered the 2004 Presidential race .
and those same folks are very concerned
about the possible complications of
having someone as "down-home Southern boy"
as Willie living in the White House ....
and that really has NASA worried big time ......
It was even enough to make
Martha Stewart's magazine empire
sit up and take notice:
Even Bill Gates has his
Microsoft system programmers
making allowance for that possibility ....
and the followers of NASCAR auto racing
are really liking the idea that one of their own
might end up having his say about Air Force One
Yee Haw ... See you rednecks at the voting places.
Posted at 11:11 AM
More Value for your money...
Bill Clinton's new book is
out.
~957 pages for $21.00 = $0.0219 per page.
But I located a better buy ( scroll down )
800 sheets for $2.09 = $0.0026 per sheet.
Almost 8 1/2 sheets for the cost of one page and they will serve the same purpose.
~957 pages for $21.00 = $0.0219 per page.
But I located a better buy ( scroll down )
800 sheets for $2.09 = $0.0026 per sheet.
Almost 8 1/2 sheets for the cost of one page and they will serve the same purpose.
Posted at 10:58 AM
Fri - July 16, 2004
Such confusion...
Let's see, have I got this
straight?
Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...
Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists - good...
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...
Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good....
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad....
Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in flight suit - bad...
Clinton says mass graves in Serbia - good...
Entire world says WMD in Iraq - bad...
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
Resultant recession under Bush - bad...
Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - Bad...
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good..
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good..
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...
No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
No WMD found Iraq - bad...
Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
Saddam in custody - bad...
Ah, it's so confusing!
Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...
Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists - good...
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...
Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good....
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad....
Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in flight suit - bad...
Clinton says mass graves in Serbia - good...
Entire world says WMD in Iraq - bad...
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
Resultant recession under Bush - bad...
Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - Bad...
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good..
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...
Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good..
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...
No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
No WMD found Iraq - bad...
Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
Saddam in custody - bad...
Ah, it's so confusing!
Posted at 08:03 AM
Wed - July 14, 2004
Pat Boone Vs CBS & 60 Minutes...
Summary of the
eRumor
The eRumor is in the form of a letter that was allegedly written by singer Pat Boone in which he castigates CBS for its decision to broadcast the picture of prisoner abuses in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.
The
Truth
TruthOrFiction.com went straight to the source to confirm this one.
Pat Boone confirms that he did write the letter.
Last updated 6/3/04
A real example of the eRumor as it has appeared on the Internet:
Pat Boone: CBS and 60 Minutes Modern Benedict Arnolds
Recently, entertainer Pat Boone wrote a letter regarding his feelings on Abu
Ghraib and Iraq:
"Hasn't anybody got the guts to accuse the worst perpetrator in this whole
Abu Ghraib prison debacle - CBS and 60 Minutes II?
What do you call it when, in time of war, someone takes military
intelligence and turns it over to the enemy, who in turn uses it to kill
Americans?
Isn't that the definition of treason? Did Benedict Arnold do worse? Did
Julias and Ethel Rosenberg pay with their lives for something like this?
It has already been well established, and CBS certainly knew, that the
military announced to the press back in January that allegations had been
made concerning treatment of prisoners and were being investigated.
In March there was another announcement that the allegations were still
being investigated and certain service personnel at Abu Ghraib were relieved
of their duties and might be court marshaled.
In other words, while America was fighting a war, the military had already
taken the allegations seriously, were investigating them and were taking
steps to correct the situation. In other words, it was being handled, and
handled well.
These things happen in war on all sides, and though they are not excusable,
they are kindergarten exercises compared to car bombs, ambushes, rocket
launchings and dangling burning bodies over bridges - and this is what the
interrogators at Abu Ghraib were trying to find ways to stop.
Freedom of the press is precious to us, but you can abuse any liberty and
stretch it out of shape until it becomes license, and concerned citizens
will call for limitations.
In this case, if CBS had really cared about the country, about our military,
about doing the right thing, they would have taken these pictures, (which
they had illegally) and asked the military and the Pentagon what was being
done about the abuses (Although they most likely knew it, they would have
been told that the matter was in hand and being taken care of).
Indeed, a general implored them not to publish the pictures because of what
he knew would happen as a result.
CBS could have cared less.
In their mad competition for rating points, dollars, and seeing a great way
to blast the President and the war effort in Iraq which they have
continually denigrated and opposed, they broadcast they abhorrent pictures -
and not just to the United States, BUT TO THE WORLD!
Knowing full well that we were walking a tight rope, trying to fight a war,
quell disturbances and build a republic for Iraq in the midst of all the
terrorist resistance, CBS published these abhorrent pictures knowing they
would destroy completely our image and standing in the Muslim world.
And what about Osama bin Laden? What about the terrorists? What about
America's image with all our allies around the world? And what about
America's own self image and confidence in their leaders?
And what did the beheaders of Nick Berg say, just before they callously
sawed his head off while he screamed, "This is in retaliation for what you
Americans did to our people at Abu Ghraib!" And how did they know about
these interrogation abuses?
Though poor Mr. Berg blames George Bush and Donald Rumsefld, it is
incontrovertible that his son would be home with him right now had it not
been for the publication of those pictures. Mr. Berg is pointing his finger
in the wrong direction.
And as a direct result of CBS callous and patently unpatriotic action,
America is suffering great loss of prestige around the world, and will for
decades.
America has lost credibility with Muslims and the Arab world
internationally, perhaps forever; and every American life is in far greater
danger from terrorist reprisal, no matter who and where we are!
Freedom of the press is a cherished commodity, guaranteed by our
Constitution. But freedoms, if they are to be maintained and to have the
original meaning, must be treated with grave responsibility and restraint.
For me, CBS has become "the enemy within", and I hope never to watch the
network again. I think most Americans ought to reflect on the results of
their irresponsible and unpatriotic behavior and perhaps narrow their
viewing options by one network. The next time America or Americans suffer at
the hands of terrorists, thank CBS.
Pat Boone
P.S. As of today, May 21St, you can add Brokaw, NBC and The Washington Post
to the list. Have these media pariahs gone mad?! Who'll be next to fire at
our own troops?"
The eRumor is in the form of a letter that was allegedly written by singer Pat Boone in which he castigates CBS for its decision to broadcast the picture of prisoner abuses in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.
The
TruthTruthOrFiction.com went straight to the source to confirm this one.
Pat Boone confirms that he did write the letter.
Last updated 6/3/04
A real example of the eRumor as it has appeared on the Internet:
Pat Boone: CBS and 60 Minutes Modern Benedict Arnolds
Recently, entertainer Pat Boone wrote a letter regarding his feelings on Abu
Ghraib and Iraq:
"Hasn't anybody got the guts to accuse the worst perpetrator in this whole
Abu Ghraib prison debacle - CBS and 60 Minutes II?
What do you call it when, in time of war, someone takes military
intelligence and turns it over to the enemy, who in turn uses it to kill
Americans?
Isn't that the definition of treason? Did Benedict Arnold do worse? Did
Julias and Ethel Rosenberg pay with their lives for something like this?
It has already been well established, and CBS certainly knew, that the
military announced to the press back in January that allegations had been
made concerning treatment of prisoners and were being investigated.
In March there was another announcement that the allegations were still
being investigated and certain service personnel at Abu Ghraib were relieved
of their duties and might be court marshaled.
In other words, while America was fighting a war, the military had already
taken the allegations seriously, were investigating them and were taking
steps to correct the situation. In other words, it was being handled, and
handled well.
These things happen in war on all sides, and though they are not excusable,
they are kindergarten exercises compared to car bombs, ambushes, rocket
launchings and dangling burning bodies over bridges - and this is what the
interrogators at Abu Ghraib were trying to find ways to stop.
Freedom of the press is precious to us, but you can abuse any liberty and
stretch it out of shape until it becomes license, and concerned citizens
will call for limitations.
In this case, if CBS had really cared about the country, about our military,
about doing the right thing, they would have taken these pictures, (which
they had illegally) and asked the military and the Pentagon what was being
done about the abuses (Although they most likely knew it, they would have
been told that the matter was in hand and being taken care of).
Indeed, a general implored them not to publish the pictures because of what
he knew would happen as a result.
CBS could have cared less.
In their mad competition for rating points, dollars, and seeing a great way
to blast the President and the war effort in Iraq which they have
continually denigrated and opposed, they broadcast they abhorrent pictures -
and not just to the United States, BUT TO THE WORLD!
Knowing full well that we were walking a tight rope, trying to fight a war,
quell disturbances and build a republic for Iraq in the midst of all the
terrorist resistance, CBS published these abhorrent pictures knowing they
would destroy completely our image and standing in the Muslim world.
And what about Osama bin Laden? What about the terrorists? What about
America's image with all our allies around the world? And what about
America's own self image and confidence in their leaders?
And what did the beheaders of Nick Berg say, just before they callously
sawed his head off while he screamed, "This is in retaliation for what you
Americans did to our people at Abu Ghraib!" And how did they know about
these interrogation abuses?
Though poor Mr. Berg blames George Bush and Donald Rumsefld, it is
incontrovertible that his son would be home with him right now had it not
been for the publication of those pictures. Mr. Berg is pointing his finger
in the wrong direction.
And as a direct result of CBS callous and patently unpatriotic action,
America is suffering great loss of prestige around the world, and will for
decades.
America has lost credibility with Muslims and the Arab world
internationally, perhaps forever; and every American life is in far greater
danger from terrorist reprisal, no matter who and where we are!
Freedom of the press is a cherished commodity, guaranteed by our
Constitution. But freedoms, if they are to be maintained and to have the
original meaning, must be treated with grave responsibility and restraint.
For me, CBS has become "the enemy within", and I hope never to watch the
network again. I think most Americans ought to reflect on the results of
their irresponsible and unpatriotic behavior and perhaps narrow their
viewing options by one network. The next time America or Americans suffer at
the hands of terrorists, thank CBS.
Pat Boone
P.S. As of today, May 21St, you can add Brokaw, NBC and The Washington Post
to the list. Have these media pariahs gone mad?! Who'll be next to fire at
our own troops?"
Posted at 09:10 PM
How to reach old age...
A passer-by noticed an old lady
sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is
your secret for such a long, happy
life?"
"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."
"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?"
"Twenty four"
"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."
"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?"
"Twenty four"
Posted at 04:38 PM
The picture on the nightstand...
After a long night of
making love, the
man notices a
photo
of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Posted at 02:27 PM
Tue - July 13, 2004
I would like to see and hear everything at the fundraiser...
July 12.
2004
Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager
John Kerry for President
P.O. Box 34640
Washington, DC 20043
Dear Ms. Cahill:
On Thursday your campaign hosted a fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall at which Sen. Kerry said, "Every performer tonight in their own way either verbally through their music through their lyrics have conveyed to you the heart and soul of our country."
I called on your campaign to release the performance that Sen. Kerry said represented the "heart and soul" of America so that all Americans could see for themselves what John Kerry thinks represents the "heart and soul" of our country.
Do most Americans in their hearts, think that calling the President a "thug" and a "killer" represents the "heart and soul" of our nation? We don't think so, but we think voters should decide for themselves by watching the celebrities John Kerry said captured the "heart and soul" of America.
Your Senior Advisor Tad Devine said that you believed that releasing musical performances "might violate copyrights and licensing agreements for the entertainers who performed and allow the Bush campaign to use the tape in commercials against Kerry and Edwards"
I have been assured that "fair use" rules of copyright would allow you to release the tapes of these musical performances to the news media under 2 U.S.C. 107. To allay the other concern you relayed to the news media, Bush-Cheney '04 pledges to refrain from using audio, video or transcripts of the event for any television, cable, satellite or radio advertising. We look forward to seeing this spirited display.
Sincerely,
Ken Mehlman
Campaign Manager
Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager
John Kerry for President
P.O. Box 34640
Washington, DC 20043
Dear Ms. Cahill:
On Thursday your campaign hosted a fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall at which Sen. Kerry said, "Every performer tonight in their own way either verbally through their music through their lyrics have conveyed to you the heart and soul of our country."
I called on your campaign to release the performance that Sen. Kerry said represented the "heart and soul" of America so that all Americans could see for themselves what John Kerry thinks represents the "heart and soul" of our country.
Do most Americans in their hearts, think that calling the President a "thug" and a "killer" represents the "heart and soul" of our nation? We don't think so, but we think voters should decide for themselves by watching the celebrities John Kerry said captured the "heart and soul" of America.
Your Senior Advisor Tad Devine said that you believed that releasing musical performances "might violate copyrights and licensing agreements for the entertainers who performed and allow the Bush campaign to use the tape in commercials against Kerry and Edwards"
I have been assured that "fair use" rules of copyright would allow you to release the tapes of these musical performances to the news media under 2 U.S.C. 107. To allay the other concern you relayed to the news media, Bush-Cheney '04 pledges to refrain from using audio, video or transcripts of the event for any television, cable, satellite or radio advertising. We look forward to seeing this spirited display.
Sincerely,
Ken Mehlman
Campaign Manager
Posted at 01:44 PM
Thu - July 8, 2004
That's a good boy...
Not quite sure, but I think Mr. Edward's is wagging his tail.
Posted at 01:34 PM
Sat - July 3, 2004
In Flight Announcements...
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,
you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Posted at 08:31 AM
Wed - June 30, 2004
Mon - June 7, 2004
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the
road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road or not. The chicken is either against us or
for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I
am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The
chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the
other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross
the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?
How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking
about your money, money the government took from you
to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay ... isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your
face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.'
That's what they call it ... the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side."
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed, I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? I n a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together ... in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook ...
and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the
chicken, "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken
didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road or not. The chicken is either against us or
for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I
am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The
chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the
other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross
the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?
How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking
about your money, money the government took from you
to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay ... isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your
face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.'
That's what they call it ... the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side."
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed, I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? I n a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together ... in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook ...
and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the
chicken, "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken
didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Posted at 09:45 AM
Thu - May 20, 2004
Mon - May 3, 2004
What not to say...
A husband and wife are getting ready for
bed. The wife is standing
in
front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist,
and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful
voice,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
.
.
front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist,
and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful
voice,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
.
.
Posted at 09:08 PM
Tue - April 27, 2004
Thu - April 15, 2004
Photos of an Air Force C-130...
releasing flares to repel heat seeking
missiles. The pattern formed by these "decoys"
are how they got their
name... 'Angel Decoy'.
Because maneuvers are usually in remote areas and over water, the
general public does not get to see these exercises.
missiles. The pattern formed by these "decoys"
are how they got their
name... 'Angel Decoy'.
Because maneuvers are usually in remote areas and over water, the
general public does not get to see these exercises.
Posted at 04:27 PM
THE ROBIN WILLIAMS (NOT) PEACE PLAN...
>
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with
the perfect plan ... what we
need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan.
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,
Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere"
again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We
would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the
fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will
be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they
are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab
drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they
don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home
baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise.
This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will
require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou
will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement
or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or
given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if
anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would
make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can
call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is
ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired,
your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want
a piece of me?"
need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan.
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,
Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere"
again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We
would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the
fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will
be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they
are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab
drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they
don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home
baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise.
This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will
require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou
will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement
or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or
given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if
anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would
make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can
call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is
ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired,
your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want
a piece of me?"
Posted at 01:01 PM
Joke's from Jay Leno...
From Jay Leno
You know what I love about California. People who complain about $2.50 a gallon for gas
are happy to pay three bucks for 12 ounce cappuccino. That seems fair.
Today Senator John Kerry introduced his plan to reduce oil prices.
He says he's going to marry a rich Saudi Arabian princess.
John Kerry is recovering from shoulder surgery. He claims to have received get
well cards from 15 different foreign leaders and he won't name them.
You realize that John Kerry could the first president to give
both the State of The Union Address and then the rebuttal.
Ralph Nader who's also running for president as an independent is advising
John Kerry to "loosen up". How embarrassing is that? When
Ralph Nader thinks you're square. Oh my God!
You know what I hate about these hearings - they keep asking who's fault was 9-11.
Bush administration blames it on Clinton. The Clinton administration blames it on Bush?
How about the bin Laden administration? Anybody think of that?
Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of
John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from "The Munsters."
Premium is close to $3 a gallon here in California. In fact, gas is so expensive,
SUV now stands for stranded utility vehicle. Illegal aliens in California now say they
don't want driver's licenses.
Former President Bill Clinton didn't watch (Condi Rice testify). To this day, he still
gets extremely nervous whenever a woman testifies under oath.
To give you an idea how bad its getting on the way to work today, I saw a crystal-meth lab
being converted into a gas station. They know where the money is. More money in it.
Oh and today John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich.
You know as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.
Posted at 09:36 AM
Fri - April 9, 2004
Wed - March 31, 2004
Awesome
Pictures below are from a
beach in Maryland. Isn't the artwork awesome? Be sure to open up your screen all
the way. The man creates new ones each day, as the ocean washes away his work
every day.
This is Chuck Ritchey, Sr. the man's work is on the beach at Ocean City, Maryland. Each time you see his work you marvel at his talent and fortitude because it is true that his works get washed away with the tide and he does them again. He is certainly a witness for Jesus Christ as thousands of people, in the course of a day, view his work and watch as he crafts his treasures. May his message be viewed by many.
This is Chuck Ritchey, Sr. the man's work is on the beach at Ocean City, Maryland. Each time you see his work you marvel at his talent and fortitude because it is true that his works get washed away with the tide and he does them again. He is certainly a witness for Jesus Christ as thousands of people, in the course of a day, view his work and watch as he crafts his treasures. May his message be viewed by many.
Posted at 04:59 PM
Bank ATMs Converted to Steal IDs of Bank Customers
A team of organized criminals is
installing equipment on legitimate bank ATMs in at least 2 regions to steal both
the ATM card number and the PIN. The team sits nearby in a car receiving the
information transmitted wirelessly over weekends and evenings from equipment
they install on the front of the ATM (see photos). If you see an attachment like
this, do not use the ATM and report it immediately to the bank using the 800
number or phone on the front of the
ATM.
The equipment used to capture your ATM card number and PIN is cleverly disguised to look like normal ATM equipment. A "skimmer" is mounted to the front of the normal ATM card slot that reads the ATM card number and transmits it to the criminals sitting in a nearby car.
At the same time, a wireless camera is disguised to look like a leaflet holder and is mounted in a position to view ATM PIN entries.
The thieves copy the cards and use the PIN numbers to withdraw thousands from many accounts in a very short time directly from the bank ATM.
The equipment used to capture your ATM card number and PIN is cleverly disguised to look like normal ATM equipment. A "skimmer" is mounted to the front of the normal ATM card slot that reads the ATM card number and transmits it to the criminals sitting in a nearby car.
At the same time, a wireless camera is disguised to look like a leaflet holder and is mounted in a position to view ATM PIN entries.
The thieves copy the cards and use the PIN numbers to withdraw thousands from many accounts in a very short time directly from the bank ATM.
Equipment being installed on front of existing bank card slot.
The equipment as it appears installed over the normal ATM bank slot.
The PIN reading camera being installed on the ATM is housed in an
innocent looking leaflet enclosure.
The camera shown installed and ready to capture PINs by looking
down on the keypad as you enter your PIN.
Posted at 04:01 PM
Thu - March 25, 2004
Men...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
_________________________________________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a
good fairy came to them and said that because they
had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of
them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
_________________________________________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a
good fairy came to them and said that because they
had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of
them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Posted at 10:04 PM
Tribute statue by Iraqi artist...
This picture of the statue below was
made by an Iraqi artist named Kalat, who for years was forced by Saddam Hussein
to make the many hundreds of bronze busts of Saddam that dotted Baghdad.
This artist was so grateful that the
Americans liberated his country, he melted three of the fallen Saddam heads and
made a memorial statue dedicated to the American soldiers and their fallen
comrades. Kalat worked on this night and day for several months.
To the left of the kneeling soldier is a small Iraqi girl giving the soldier comfort
as he mourns the loss of his comrade in arms. It is currently on display outside
the palace that is now home to the 4th Infantry division. It will eventually be
shipped and shown at the memorial museum in Fort Hood, Texas.
Americans liberated his country, he melted three of the fallen Saddam heads and
made a memorial statue dedicated to the American soldiers and their fallen
comrades. Kalat worked on this night and day for several months.
To the left of the kneeling soldier is a small Iraqi girl giving the soldier comfort
as he mourns the loss of his comrade in arms. It is currently on display outside
the palace that is now home to the 4th Infantry division. It will eventually be
shipped and shown at the memorial museum in Fort Hood, Texas.
Posted at 09:47 PM
DARWIN AWARDS 2003...
It's that time again . . . . They are finally out!
You all know about the Darwin Awards -
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees are:
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees are:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together wrapped
an end around one foot, anchored th e other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend
were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -
no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up
to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
And the winner . ..
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off -
actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an
extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into
the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
unit to his car, jumped in, got up some! speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best
as could be determine d are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition
at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by
the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly,
would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually
reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the
straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the
road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff
face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of
the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from
a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together wrapped
an end around one foot, anchored th e other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend
were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -
no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up
to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
And the winner . ..
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off -
actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an
extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into
the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
unit to his car, jumped in, got up some! speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best
as could be determine d are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition
at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by
the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly,
would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually
reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the
straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the
road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff
face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of
the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from
a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Posted at 09:37 PM
A CELEBRATION TOUCHED BY GOD
It took four months in the
making. Long distance planning between my sister Caryl, in Missouri and my
brothers Jose, Ismael and myself here in California. The preparation to
put on a 50th Anniversary Celebration for my parents, Loran and Jean Long.
Through the constant phone calls and e-mails back and forth, the four of us
developed a closeness and unity that had never really existed before. We
each acquired a new respect and appreciation for our individual gifts, talents
and abilities. Most of all, our love for each other as brothers and
sisters grew to a level that had never been attained before. Our love and
appreciation for our own spouses and children and close friends grew as we all
united and worked and sacrificed time and money and physical labor, to put
together what later could only be described as a “celebration touched by
God.”
Hours were spent scanning pictures for a multimedia presentation. Hours were spent videotaping all nine grandchildren to present a special “what Grandma and Grandpa means to us” segment. Hours were spent on how the flow of the evening would go. Hours were spent on decorations and handmade gift boxes for each attending guest. Hours were spent in prayer for each other as the four of us wrote out what we felt the Lord was impressing on us to say, our words of honor and praise to our parents. Then in a very miraculous way, the Lord took all of this and touched it and like the feeding of the five thousand, multiplied our efforts beyond our expectations or imagination.
The afternoon of March 20th was becoming tense as the start time of 6 p.m. was fast approaching. Around 5 p.m., my sister and I were trying to frantically get dressed and do our hair in a side storage closet of the fellowship hall where we were having the event. The outlet in the bathroom did not work for our curling irons, so we found ourselves in this crowded closet, near tears, trying to get ready. We could hear out in the room, trouble with the sound system, trouble with the multimedia, and the caterer had arrived trying to set up and needing more tables when there were none left. Caryl and I looked at each other and said we better start praying. For the next 20 minutes, we went from praying while curling hair to praying with hands lifted up towards heaven, crying, shouting hallelujah, in the power of the Name of our Jesus, and breaking down strongholds that had set themselves up against the knowledge of God. We prayed a blessing on every person that would be in attendance. We prayed for lives to be redirected back to God, we prayed for our parents to be honored and blessed, we prayed for the Lord’s mighty Hand to show His power and strength in our weaknesses. With a loud AMEM and AMEN, we instantly sensed the Lord’s calming Spirit over us, within 5 minutes we were done with our hair, dressed and walked out (maybe floated out) of that closet to begin the event that can only be described as a “celebration touched by God.”
There were 152 in attendance. It would take too long to describe how the evening went, but we honored our parents not only for being committed to each other in marriage for 50 years, but for sacrificing their lives in ministry to the Lord for the last 50 years. What a testament of living lives touched by God and living lives for God. As the four of us children each spoke words of honor and blessing over our parents for bringing us up in the way of the Lord, and as all nine grandchildren gave testimony to the spiritual impact their Grandparents have had on them, everyone in the room could not help but be blessed and touched by God, and see the urgency of needing to live lives that are examples of Christ in them, in essence, redirected back to God.
At the conclusion, all 17 of us, children, spouses and grandchildren, laid hands on my parents and we anointed them in the Name of the Lord, to receive a blessing from Him. It was awesome (and fragrant). So many people came up to us or to my parents in tears expressing that they had never experienced an event like that ever before. One couple came up to me with tears in their eyes and said, “we saw The Passion and we were very moved in our hearts, but this far surpassed that.” In my mind I realized that God had touched lives in a miraculous way, and silently thanked the Lord and pronounced blessings on each person that came up to me. Another lady said “this was the best night of my whole life”. The presence of the Spirit of the Lord was so evident, you could tell people didn’t want to leave and this was after 3 hours!
The highlight for me was when my brother Ismael went over to settle accounts with the caterer, and as he approached the head caterer, he noticed he had tears in his eyes. The man just looked at my brother and said, “I have never seen anything like this before”. Although they could have left and hour and a half earlier, they all chose to stay for the whole program. Ismael was able to share that it was because of God’s Love in our lives that we as a family could stand united. The caterer just shook his head in amazement.
I can say without a doubt that many of the people there had never really experienced the Touch of God in that way before, sensing the Presence of the Holy Spirit, and a new longing was stirred in many hearts to draw nearer to God, although He is never far from each one of us. (Acts 17-27)
................................................Halleluiah!
Hours were spent scanning pictures for a multimedia presentation. Hours were spent videotaping all nine grandchildren to present a special “what Grandma and Grandpa means to us” segment. Hours were spent on how the flow of the evening would go. Hours were spent on decorations and handmade gift boxes for each attending guest. Hours were spent in prayer for each other as the four of us wrote out what we felt the Lord was impressing on us to say, our words of honor and praise to our parents. Then in a very miraculous way, the Lord took all of this and touched it and like the feeding of the five thousand, multiplied our efforts beyond our expectations or imagination.
The afternoon of March 20th was becoming tense as the start time of 6 p.m. was fast approaching. Around 5 p.m., my sister and I were trying to frantically get dressed and do our hair in a side storage closet of the fellowship hall where we were having the event. The outlet in the bathroom did not work for our curling irons, so we found ourselves in this crowded closet, near tears, trying to get ready. We could hear out in the room, trouble with the sound system, trouble with the multimedia, and the caterer had arrived trying to set up and needing more tables when there were none left. Caryl and I looked at each other and said we better start praying. For the next 20 minutes, we went from praying while curling hair to praying with hands lifted up towards heaven, crying, shouting hallelujah, in the power of the Name of our Jesus, and breaking down strongholds that had set themselves up against the knowledge of God. We prayed a blessing on every person that would be in attendance. We prayed for lives to be redirected back to God, we prayed for our parents to be honored and blessed, we prayed for the Lord’s mighty Hand to show His power and strength in our weaknesses. With a loud AMEM and AMEN, we instantly sensed the Lord’s calming Spirit over us, within 5 minutes we were done with our hair, dressed and walked out (maybe floated out) of that closet to begin the event that can only be described as a “celebration touched by God.”
There were 152 in attendance. It would take too long to describe how the evening went, but we honored our parents not only for being committed to each other in marriage for 50 years, but for sacrificing their lives in ministry to the Lord for the last 50 years. What a testament of living lives touched by God and living lives for God. As the four of us children each spoke words of honor and blessing over our parents for bringing us up in the way of the Lord, and as all nine grandchildren gave testimony to the spiritual impact their Grandparents have had on them, everyone in the room could not help but be blessed and touched by God, and see the urgency of needing to live lives that are examples of Christ in them, in essence, redirected back to God.
At the conclusion, all 17 of us, children, spouses and grandchildren, laid hands on my parents and we anointed them in the Name of the Lord, to receive a blessing from Him. It was awesome (and fragrant). So many people came up to us or to my parents in tears expressing that they had never experienced an event like that ever before. One couple came up to me with tears in their eyes and said, “we saw The Passion and we were very moved in our hearts, but this far surpassed that.” In my mind I realized that God had touched lives in a miraculous way, and silently thanked the Lord and pronounced blessings on each person that came up to me. Another lady said “this was the best night of my whole life”. The presence of the Spirit of the Lord was so evident, you could tell people didn’t want to leave and this was after 3 hours!
The highlight for me was when my brother Ismael went over to settle accounts with the caterer, and as he approached the head caterer, he noticed he had tears in his eyes. The man just looked at my brother and said, “I have never seen anything like this before”. Although they could have left and hour and a half earlier, they all chose to stay for the whole program. Ismael was able to share that it was because of God’s Love in our lives that we as a family could stand united. The caterer just shook his head in amazement.
I can say without a doubt that many of the people there had never really experienced the Touch of God in that way before, sensing the Presence of the Holy Spirit, and a new longing was stirred in many hearts to draw nearer to God, although He is never far from each one of us. (Acts 17-27)
................................................Halleluiah!
Posted at 09:13 PM
How to become a good democrat...
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat.
Just simply quit thinking
(about it) and vote that way. If you want to be a GOOD Democrat,
however, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare
the below and see how you rate...
(about it) and vote that way. If you want to be a GOOD Democrat,
however, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare
the below and see how you rate...
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th
graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans,
are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology,
in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected
by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more
affected by yuppies driving SUVs'!
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial
but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support
abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression
and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature,
but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important
than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good,
because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem
are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson,
General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist,
but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't
worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people
haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in
jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House and
you would vote him back in there in a New York minute (if you could).
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected
and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by
the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21. You have to believe that the vociferous minorities who protest
against prayer and saluting the flag in school have far more rights
than the majority who believe in God and country and want these
values to be instilled in our young children.
22. You agreed with France's position on the war in Iraq until
combat victory was achieved within three weeks.
23. You have to believe the purpose of government is to take money
from people who earned it and spend it on people who did not earn it.
24. You have to believe in the Democracy but demand only Democrat
victories in elections.
25. You have to believe that people who disagree with you are stupid
and backward while believing people who agree with you are "progressive"
and "enlightened."
26. You have to believe that a "B" average economics major from Yale
University with an MBA from Harvard Business School is too stupid to
be President of the United States.
27. You have to believe that a "C" average history major from Harvard
University, dropout from Vanderbilt Law School and failure at Vanderbilt
Divinity School is brilliant and should be President of the United States.
28. You are proud to have Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Bill
Clinton in the Democratic Party.
29. You have to believe that gasoline priced at $1.59 per gallon
is too expensive but accept bottled spring water at $1.09 per
quart as reasonable
Posted at 08:49 PM
Three Blondes...
Three blondes (natural) died and
found themselves standing before St.
Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks
and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the
Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died.
Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and
Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks
and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the
Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died.
Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and
Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
Posted at 08:40 PM
Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton:
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank
me, I voted for Clinton-Gore.
" So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for
what you have done, specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky,
Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?
2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait
until they were older to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than
I did as a senior in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is
what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex,
and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and
demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon
look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment
and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign
fund raising.
7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and four imprisonments from the Whitewater
"mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and
flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. It seems you
have been campaigning for Secretary General of the United Nations since your reelection in 1996.
9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars--- I really didn't need it in the first place,
and I can't think of a more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollar than
jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, your family and your cronies have
logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration. Good luck on your
continued campaign to be King of the world.
10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and
indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like
the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends."
12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and
destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all of that excess weight
(China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.)
out of Air Force One. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars
spent on jet fuel. Thank you!
13. And, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming
"tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay?
14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to let Mohammed Atta go free.
Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and
imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree
to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with
blood on their hands. The American
President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted"
that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the
US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by
many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified.
It was censored in the US from all later reports.
What a guy!!!
God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.
SINCERELY,
A US Citizen
P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet, without
which I would not be able to send this wonderful factual e-mail.
AND THE REST OF THE STORY:
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York Senator, now comes under the Congressional
Retirement and Staffing Plan, which means that even if she never gets reelected, she
STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. Would
it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?
If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting
his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary
until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency they purchased
a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. They are entitled to
Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting.
Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence
HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret
Service agents. The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly
Rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment.
This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation,
safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff-and, this is all perfectly legal!
" So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for
what you have done, specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky,
Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?
2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait
until they were older to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than
I did as a senior in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is
what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex,
and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and
demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon
look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment
and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign
fund raising.
7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and four imprisonments from the Whitewater
"mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and
flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. It seems you
have been campaigning for Secretary General of the United Nations since your reelection in 1996.
9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars--- I really didn't need it in the first place,
and I can't think of a more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollar than
jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, your family and your cronies have
logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration. Good luck on your
continued campaign to be King of the world.
10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and
indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like
the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends."
12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and
destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all of that excess weight
(China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.)
out of Air Force One. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars
spent on jet fuel. Thank you!
13. And, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming
"tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay?
14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to let Mohammed Atta go free.
Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and
imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree
to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with
blood on their hands. The American
President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted"
that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the
US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by
many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified.
It was censored in the US from all later reports.
What a guy!!!
God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.
SINCERELY,
A US Citizen
P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet, without
which I would not be able to send this wonderful factual e-mail.
AND THE REST OF THE STORY:
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York Senator, now comes under the Congressional
Retirement and Staffing Plan, which means that even if she never gets reelected, she
STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. Would
it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?
If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting
his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary
until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency they purchased
a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. They are entitled to
Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting.
Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence
HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret
Service agents. The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly
Rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment.
This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation,
safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff-and, this is all perfectly legal!
Posted at 08:28 PM
The Dart Test...
A young lady named Sally,
relates an experience she had in a
seminary
class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smith was
known for his elaborate object lessons.
One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in
for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts.
Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked
or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw
darts at the person's picture.
Sally's friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another
friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a
former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even
drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect
she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw
their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally
looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr.
Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their
seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't
have a chance to throw any darts at her target. Dr. Smith began removing
the target from the wall.
Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room
as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged
marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced..
Dr. Smith said only these words... "In as much as ye have done it unto
the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me."
Matthew 25:40.
No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students
focused only on the picture of Christ.
class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smith was
known for his elaborate object lessons.
One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in
for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts.
Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked
or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw
darts at the person's picture.
Sally's friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another
friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a
former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even
drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect
she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw
their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally
looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr.
Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their
seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't
have a chance to throw any darts at her target. Dr. Smith began removing
the target from the wall.
Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room
as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged
marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced..
Dr. Smith said only these words... "In as much as ye have done it unto
the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me."
Matthew 25:40.
No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students
focused only on the picture of Christ.
Posted at 10:19 AM
Wed - March 17, 2004
The Rules...
We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just
not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Posted at 11:40 PM
Wed - March 10, 2004
COUNTRY WISDOM...
Don't name a pig you plan to
eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb,
but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns,
not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming
you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as
flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shalt
Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb,
but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns,
not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming
you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as
flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shalt
Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
Posted at 01:53 PM
Tue - March 9, 2004
Computers...
For all of us who feel only the deepest
love and affection for the way computers
have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it,
and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it,
and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Posted at 06:38 PM
This will not happen to us???
An elderly Floridian called 911 on
her cell phone to report
that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door."
____________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________
Old Age
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends
for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my! Am I driving?"
____________________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door."
____________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________
Old Age
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends
for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my! Am I driving?"
____________________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
Posted at 05:30 PM
Sun - March 7, 2004
Sen Kerry, Toilet Mouth...
You can read it
here:
http://search.atomz.com/search/?sp-a=sp1001847f&sp-f=ISO-8859-1&sp-q=fuck+shit
You may have to cut and paste. The link is actually longer than it appears.
I whited out the last part because of language. Make sure you copy the entire link.
http://search.atomz.com/search/?sp-a=sp1001847f&sp-f=ISO-8859-1&sp-q=fuck+shit
You may have to cut and paste. The link is actually longer than it appears.
I whited out the last part because of language. Make sure you copy the entire link.
Posted at 08:09 PM
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ...
(Passing requires 4
correct
answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) >From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which m! onth do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?!
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) >From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which m! onth do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?!
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
Posted at 07:52 PM
Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See...
Jesus loves
you...but everyone else thinks you are an
ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called
..they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory
..some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue your ass off.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...
It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker
you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
..now speak English
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called
..they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory
..some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue your ass off.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...
It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker
you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
..now speak English
Posted at 08:33 AM
Wed - March 3, 2004
The Passion for the Christ is Rated R
The "R" of course is because of the
violence, the gore. In movie terms "R" stands for RESTRICTED, but in
this movie "R" stands for RELEVANT, for REALISTIC, for it REALLY happened for a
REASON because we were REBELLIOUS we needed a REDEEMER, we needed to be
RECONCILED, we needed to be RECOVERED, we needed to be
REGENERATED. Jesus needed to be REJECTED so that we could have a
RELATIONSHIP not just a RELIGION. The "R" is to REMIND! us to
REMEMBER what Jesus did to REMOVE our sin to RENDER Satan powerless, to RESCUE
us from eternity in hell. The "R" rating is to show that Jesus was
RESPONSIBLE for giving you REST. As a RESULT of his death Jesus
RETIRED your debt. The "R" rating means that some will be
REPULSED, some will REFUSE to believe, some will be RELUCTANT, some will think
you are RIDICULOUS in believing that a death was REQUIRED. The "R"
rating means that the RESULT of sin has been! REVERSED and now through faith in
Christ your REWARD is eternity and you are now RIGHTEOUS before God
because you have RECEIVED him as the RULER of your soul. What a
REVOLUTIONARY and RADICAL solution to REDEEM mankind.
Posted at 07:57 AM
Tue - March 2, 2004
Storm Watch 2004...
This is just tragic. And
you East Coast folks
thought you had it bad!
With all the news on TV lately
about the sub zero weather and
snow that the east coast and
upstate NY areas are experiencing,
we shouldn't forget that Southern
California has its share of
devastating weather, also.
I've attached a photo illustrating
the damage caused to a home from a
west coast storm that passed through
the Los Angeles area yesterday.
It really makes you cherish what
you have, and reminds us not to take
life for granted!!!
Warning: The attached picture is quite
graphic and may not be suitable for
sensitive viewers.
thought you had it bad!
With all the news on TV lately
about the sub zero weather and
snow that the east coast and
upstate NY areas are experiencing,
we shouldn't forget that Southern
California has its share of
devastating weather, also.
I've attached a photo illustrating
the damage caused to a home from a
west coast storm that passed through
the Los Angeles area yesterday.
It really makes you cherish what
you have, and reminds us not to take
life for granted!!!
Warning: The attached picture is quite
graphic and may not be suitable for
sensitive viewers.
Posted at 10:06 PM
Mon - March 1, 2004
Try it, you can't do it !!!!!!!!!! WEIRD
Subject: Who thinks this stuff up??
You Got to try this ..
Left brain, right brain
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you
can do about it.
Posted at 06:01 PM
Sun - February 29, 2004
Here's a scary thought:
a. The number of physicians in the United
States is 700,000
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
THINK ABOUT THIS:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty- million!).
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.
Alert your friends to this threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
THINK ABOUT THIS:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty- million!).
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.
Alert your friends to this threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
Posted at 07:46 PM
Thu - February 26, 2004
Sad News...
With all the sadness and
trauma going on in the world
at the moment, it is worth
reflecting on the death of
a very important person which
almost went unnoticed
last week. Larry La Prise, the
man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
age 93.
The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him
into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And
then the trouble
started!!!!!
Posted at 09:03 PM
Chinese Food, Chowmain...
You got to see this.
http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm
Cut and paste.
Cut and paste.
Posted at 08:27 PM
A simple explanation of our tax system...
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can
understand. Suppose that
every day, ten men go out for dinner. The
bill for all ten comes to
$100.00.
For this example we will ignore the gratuity.
If they paid their bill
the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay
nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay
$59.
So, that's what they decided to
do.
The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant
every day and
seemed quite happy with the arrangement,
until one day,
the owner threw them a little
curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he
said,
"I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily
meal by $20.00."
So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00.
The group
still wanted to pay their bill the same way
we pay our taxes.
So, the first four men were unaffected. They
would
still eat for free. But, what about the other
six, the paying
customers? How could they
divvy up the
$20 windfall so that everyone would get his
'fair share'?
The six men realized that $20 divided by six
is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then
the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to
eat their meal!
So, the restaurant owner suggested that it
would be fair
to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same
amount, and
he proceeded to work out all the amounts each
should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid
nothing for a (100%
savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3
or a (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 or a
(28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 or a
(25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 or a
(22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 or a
(16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before.
And the first four
continued to eat for free. But once outside
the restaurant,
the men began to compare their
savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"
declared the sixth man.
Then he pointed to the tenth man "but he got
$10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth
man. "I only saved a
dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten
times more than me!"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why
should he get
$10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get
all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in
unison. "We didn't get
anything at all. This system exploits the
poor!" The nine men
surrounded the tenth man and beat him
up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up
for dinner, so the nine
sat down and ate without him. But when it
came time to pay
the bill, they discovered something very
important. They didn't
have enough money between all of them for
even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists,
liberals and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the
highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them
too much, attack
them for being wealthy, and they just may not
show up at the
table anymore!
There are lots of good restaurants in Europe
and the Caribbean.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Distinguished Professor of
Economics
536 Brooks Hall
University of Georgia
Posted at 04:41 PM
HOW DACHSHUNDS THINK...
Who Me?
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's
mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in
any way.
6. If I'm chewing something,, all the pieces are
mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is
mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it
down,
it automatically becomes mine.
Posted at 04:11 PM
INTERESTING STATS...
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he
married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath in to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
_____________________________________________
1. How Do You Catch A Unique rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho
Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous
Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They have big fingers
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath in to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
_____________________________________________
1. How Do You Catch A Unique rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho
Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous
Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They have big fingers
Posted at 03:55 PM
Single Black Female...
This has got to be one of the best singles
ads ever printed.
It appeared in The Atlanta Journal :
It appeared in The Atlanta Journal :
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male
companionship, ethnicity
unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy inter nights
lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy inter nights
lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy
Posted at 03:51 PM
Mon - February 23, 2004
Oxymoron Definition:
A rhetorical figure in which incongruous
or contradictory terms are combined.
or contradictory terms are combined.
EXAMPLE:
"Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten
Commandments from the
courthouse while making people in
court swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, so help
you God ... while your hand is on the
Bible!
"Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten
Commandments from the
courthouse while making people in
court swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, so help
you God ... while your hand is on the
Bible!
Posted at 11:24 AM
Wed - February 18, 2004
From Jody Dean, one of Dallas' CBS news anchors.
There's been a ton of e-mails and
"forwards" floating around recently from those who've had the privilege of
seeing Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" prior to its actual release. I
thought I'd give you my reaction after seeing it last night. The screening
was on the first night of "Elevate!," a weekend-long seminar for young people at
Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano. There were about 2,000 people there,
and the movie was shown after several speakers had taken the podium. It started
around 9 and finished around 11...so I reckon the film is about two hours in
length. Frankly, I lost complete track of time - so I can't be
sure.
I want you to know that I started in broadcasting when I was 13-years-old. I've been in the business of writing, performing, production, and broadcasting for a long time. I've been a part of movies, radio, television, stage and other productions - so I know how things are done. I know about soundtracks and special effects and makeup and screenplays. I think I've seen just about every kind of movie or TV show ever made - from extremely inspirational to extremely gory. I read a lot, too - and have covered stories and scenes that still make me wince. I also have a vivid imagination, and have the ability to picture things as they must have happened - or to anticipate things as they will be portrayed. I've also seen an enormous amount of footage from Gibson's film, so I thought I knew what was coming. But there is nothing in my existence - nothing I could have read, seen, heard, thought, or known - that could have prepared me for what I saw on screen last night.
This is not a movie that anyone will "like". I don't think it's a movie anyone will "love". It certainly doesn't "entertain". There isn't even the sense that one has just watched a movie. What it is, is an experience - on a level of primary emotion that is scarcely comprehensible. Every shred of human preconception or predisposition is utterly stripped away. No one will eat popcorn during this film. Some may not eat for days after they've seen it. Quite honestly, I wanted to vomit. It hits that hard.
I can see why some people are worried about how the film portrays the Jews. They should be worried. No, it's not anti-Semitic. What it is, is entirely shattering. There are no "winners". No one comes off looking "good" - except Jesus. Even His own mother hesitates. As depicted, the Jewish leaders of Jesus' day merely do what any of us would have done - and still do. They protected their perceived "place"- their sense of safety and security, and the satisfaction of their own "rightness". But everyone falters. Caiphus judges. Peter denies. Judas betrays. Simon the Cyrene balks. Mark runs away. Pilate equivocates. The crowd mocks. The soldiers laugh. Longinus still stabs with his pilus. The Centurion still carries out his orders. And as Jesus fixes them all with a glance, they still turn away. The Jews, the Romans, Jesus' friends - they all fall. Everyone, except the Principal Figure. Heaven sheds a single, mighty tear - and as blood and water spew from His side, the complacency of all creation is eternally shattered.
The film grabs you in the first five seconds, and never lets go. The brutality, humiliation, and gore are almost inconceivable - and still probably don’t go far enough. The scourging alone seems to never end, and you cringe at the sound and splatter of every blow - no matter how steely your nerves. Even those who have known combat or prison will have trouble, no matter their experience - because this Man was not conscripted. He went willingly, laying down His entirety for all. It is one thing for a soldier to die for his countrymen. It's something else entirely to think of even a common man dying for those who hate and wish to kill him. But this is no common man. This is the King of the universe.
The idea that anyone could or would have gone through such punishment is unthinkable - but this Man was completely innocent, completely holy - and paying the price for others. He screams as He is laid upon the cross, "Father, they don't know. They don't know..."
What Gibson has done is to use all of his considerable skill to portray the most dramatic moment of the most dramatic events since the dawn of time. There is no escape. It's a punch to the gut that puts you on the canvas, and you don't get up. You are simply confronted by the horror of what was done - what had to be done - and why. Throughout the entire film, I found myself apologizing.
What you've heard about how audiences have reacted is true. There was no sound after the film's conclusion. No noise at all. No one got up. No one moved. The only sound one could hear was sobbing. In all my years of public life, I have never heard anything like that.
I told many of you that Gibson had reportedly re-shot the ending to include more "hope" through the Resurrection? That's not true. The Resurrection scene is perhaps the shortest in the entire movie - and yet it packs a punch that can't be quantified. It is perfect. There is no way to negotiate the meaning out of it. It simply asks, "Now, what will you do?"
I'll leave the details to you, in the hope that you will see the film - but one thing above all stands out, and I have to tell you about it. It comes from the end of Jesus' temptations in the wilderness - where the Bible says Satan left him "until a more opportune time". I imagine Satan never quit tempting Christ, but this film captures beyond words the most opportune time. At every step of the way, Satan is there at Jesus' side - imploring Him to quit, reasoning with Him to give up, and seducing Him to surrender. For the first time, one gets a heart-stopping idea of the sense of madness that must have enveloped Jesus - a sense of the evil that was at His very elbow. The physical punishment is relentless - but it's the sense of psychological torture that is most overwhelming. He should have quit. He should have opened His mouth. He should have called 10,000 angels. No one would have blamed Him. What we deserve is obvious. But He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. He didn't do that. He doesn't do that. It was not and is not His character. He was obedient, all the way to the cross - and you feel the real meaning of that phrase in a place the human heart usually doesn't dare to go. You understand that we are called to that same level of obedience. With Jesus' humanity so irresistibly on display, you understand that we have no excuse. There is no place to hide.
The truth is this: Is it just a "movie"? In a way, yes. But it goes far beyond that, in a fashion I've never felt - in any forum. We may think we "know". We know nothing. We've gone 2,000 years - used to the idea of a pleasant story, and a sanitized Christ. We expect the ending, because we've heard it so many times. God forgive us. This film tears that all away. It's as close as any of us will ever get to knowing, until we fully know. Paul understood. "Be urgent, in and out of season." Luke wrote that Jesus reveals Himself in the breaking of the bread. Exactly. "The Passion of the Christ" shows that Bread being broken.
Go see this movie.
His, and His alone,
Jody
I want you to know that I started in broadcasting when I was 13-years-old. I've been in the business of writing, performing, production, and broadcasting for a long time. I've been a part of movies, radio, television, stage and other productions - so I know how things are done. I know about soundtracks and special effects and makeup and screenplays. I think I've seen just about every kind of movie or TV show ever made - from extremely inspirational to extremely gory. I read a lot, too - and have covered stories and scenes that still make me wince. I also have a vivid imagination, and have the ability to picture things as they must have happened - or to anticipate things as they will be portrayed. I've also seen an enormous amount of footage from Gibson's film, so I thought I knew what was coming. But there is nothing in my existence - nothing I could have read, seen, heard, thought, or known - that could have prepared me for what I saw on screen last night.
This is not a movie that anyone will "like". I don't think it's a movie anyone will "love". It certainly doesn't "entertain". There isn't even the sense that one has just watched a movie. What it is, is an experience - on a level of primary emotion that is scarcely comprehensible. Every shred of human preconception or predisposition is utterly stripped away. No one will eat popcorn during this film. Some may not eat for days after they've seen it. Quite honestly, I wanted to vomit. It hits that hard.
I can see why some people are worried about how the film portrays the Jews. They should be worried. No, it's not anti-Semitic. What it is, is entirely shattering. There are no "winners". No one comes off looking "good" - except Jesus. Even His own mother hesitates. As depicted, the Jewish leaders of Jesus' day merely do what any of us would have done - and still do. They protected their perceived "place"- their sense of safety and security, and the satisfaction of their own "rightness". But everyone falters. Caiphus judges. Peter denies. Judas betrays. Simon the Cyrene balks. Mark runs away. Pilate equivocates. The crowd mocks. The soldiers laugh. Longinus still stabs with his pilus. The Centurion still carries out his orders. And as Jesus fixes them all with a glance, they still turn away. The Jews, the Romans, Jesus' friends - they all fall. Everyone, except the Principal Figure. Heaven sheds a single, mighty tear - and as blood and water spew from His side, the complacency of all creation is eternally shattered.
The film grabs you in the first five seconds, and never lets go. The brutality, humiliation, and gore are almost inconceivable - and still probably don’t go far enough. The scourging alone seems to never end, and you cringe at the sound and splatter of every blow - no matter how steely your nerves. Even those who have known combat or prison will have trouble, no matter their experience - because this Man was not conscripted. He went willingly, laying down His entirety for all. It is one thing for a soldier to die for his countrymen. It's something else entirely to think of even a common man dying for those who hate and wish to kill him. But this is no common man. This is the King of the universe.
The idea that anyone could or would have gone through such punishment is unthinkable - but this Man was completely innocent, completely holy - and paying the price for others. He screams as He is laid upon the cross, "Father, they don't know. They don't know..."
What Gibson has done is to use all of his considerable skill to portray the most dramatic moment of the most dramatic events since the dawn of time. There is no escape. It's a punch to the gut that puts you on the canvas, and you don't get up. You are simply confronted by the horror of what was done - what had to be done - and why. Throughout the entire film, I found myself apologizing.
What you've heard about how audiences have reacted is true. There was no sound after the film's conclusion. No noise at all. No one got up. No one moved. The only sound one could hear was sobbing. In all my years of public life, I have never heard anything like that.
I told many of you that Gibson had reportedly re-shot the ending to include more "hope" through the Resurrection? That's not true. The Resurrection scene is perhaps the shortest in the entire movie - and yet it packs a punch that can't be quantified. It is perfect. There is no way to negotiate the meaning out of it. It simply asks, "Now, what will you do?"
I'll leave the details to you, in the hope that you will see the film - but one thing above all stands out, and I have to tell you about it. It comes from the end of Jesus' temptations in the wilderness - where the Bible says Satan left him "until a more opportune time". I imagine Satan never quit tempting Christ, but this film captures beyond words the most opportune time. At every step of the way, Satan is there at Jesus' side - imploring Him to quit, reasoning with Him to give up, and seducing Him to surrender. For the first time, one gets a heart-stopping idea of the sense of madness that must have enveloped Jesus - a sense of the evil that was at His very elbow. The physical punishment is relentless - but it's the sense of psychological torture that is most overwhelming. He should have quit. He should have opened His mouth. He should have called 10,000 angels. No one would have blamed Him. What we deserve is obvious. But He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. He didn't do that. He doesn't do that. It was not and is not His character. He was obedient, all the way to the cross - and you feel the real meaning of that phrase in a place the human heart usually doesn't dare to go. You understand that we are called to that same level of obedience. With Jesus' humanity so irresistibly on display, you understand that we have no excuse. There is no place to hide.
The truth is this: Is it just a "movie"? In a way, yes. But it goes far beyond that, in a fashion I've never felt - in any forum. We may think we "know". We know nothing. We've gone 2,000 years - used to the idea of a pleasant story, and a sanitized Christ. We expect the ending, because we've heard it so many times. God forgive us. This film tears that all away. It's as close as any of us will ever get to knowing, until we fully know. Paul understood. "Be urgent, in and out of season." Luke wrote that Jesus reveals Himself in the breaking of the bread. Exactly. "The Passion of the Christ" shows that Bread being broken.
Go see this movie.
His, and His alone,
Jody
Posted at 08:11 AM
Sat - February 14, 2004
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN)...
To those of us who have children in our
lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have
forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having a
fruit break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?"
said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAK E TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have
forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having a
fruit break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?"
said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAK E TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Posted at 06:31 AM
Thu - February 12, 2004
Happy Valentine...
"For God so
loVed
the
world,
That He gAve
His onLy
BegottEn
SoN
That whosever
Believeth In Him
Should Not perish,
But have Everlasting life."
John 3:16
That He gAve
His onLy
BegottEn
SoN
That whosever
Believeth In Him
Should Not perish,
But have Everlasting life."
John 3:16
Posted at 08:10 PM
Tue - February 10, 2004
KERN COUNTY SHERIFF'S...
Finally, a Sheriff's office that is not
afraid of telling
the truth... Hats off to Kern County, California... Gotta love it...
We've all seen law enforcement cars and their mottos, like
"Protect and Serve," "Dedicated to your Safety" and such...
Now someone finally comes forth with the truth.
the truth... Hats off to Kern County, California... Gotta love it...
We've all seen law enforcement cars and their mottos, like
"Protect and Serve," "Dedicated to your Safety" and such...
Now someone finally comes forth with the truth.
Posted at 02:10 PM
Mon - February 9, 2004
Wed - February 4, 2004
The Great Bud Light Commercials 2004...
Ref Tuned Out
Paintball
Born a Donkey
Sleigh Ride
Smooth Monkey
Adios
Cedric at the Spa
Good Dog
Posted at 07:43 AM
Sat - January 31, 2004
News flash just in for the year 2035.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing
millions in
The seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will
take at least ten more years before radioactivity
decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now
be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers
must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex
with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting
Machine.
The seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will
take at least ten more years before radioactivity
decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now
be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers
must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex
with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting
Machine.
Posted at 07:09 PM
Senior Moments...
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in
a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the
old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt
was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the
old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt
was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Posted at 11:19 AM
Fri - January 30, 2004
Testing
Place your mouse on the X
below...Highlight from the X to the O using your
mouse.
See what happens.........
See what happens.........
X
EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
HIM...GOD IS
THERE!O
Posted at 09:13 AM
Tue - January 27, 2004
The Creation of Pets...
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden,
you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you
any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for
us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will be a
reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me
even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals
in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they
are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion
who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed
into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Posted at 06:11 PM
Mon - January 26, 2004
THE PASSION REVIEW BY PAUL HARVEY
I really did not know what to expect. I
was thrilled to
have been invited to a private viewing of Mel Gibson's
film "The Passion," but I had also read all the cautious
articles and spin. I grew up in a Jewish town and owe
much of my own faith journey to the influence.
I have a life long, deeply held aversion to anything
that might even indirectly encourage any form of
anti-Semitic thought, language or actions.
I arrived at the private viewing for "The Passion",
held in Washington DC and greeted some familiar faces.
The environment was typically Washingtonian, with
people greeting you with a smile but seeming to look
beyond you, having an agenda beyond the words.
The film was very briefly introduced, without fanfare,
and then the room darkened. From the gripping opening
scene in the Garden of Gethsemane, to the very human
and tender portrayal of the earthly ministry of Jesus,
through the betrayal, the arrest, the scourging, the
way of the cross, the encounter with the thieves, the
surrender on the Cross, until the final scene in the empty
tomb, this was not simply a movie; it was an encounter,
unlike anything I have ever experienced.
In addition to being a masterpiece of film-making and an
artistic triumph, "The Passion" evoked more deep reflection,
sorrow and emotional reaction within me than anything
since my wedding, my ordination or the birth of my children.
Frankly, I will never be the same. When the film concluded,
this "invitation only" gathering of "movers and shakers" in
Washington, DC were shaking indeed, but this time from
sobbing. I am not sure there was a dry eye in the place.
The crowd that had been glad-handing before the film
was now eerily silent. No one could speak because words
were woefully inadequate. We had experienced a kind of
art that is a rarity in life, the kind that makes heaven touch
earth.
One scene in the film has now been forever etched in my
mind. A brutalized, wounded Jesus was soon to fall again
under the weight of the cross. His mother had made her
way along the Via Della Rosa. As she ran to him, she flashed
back to a memory of Jesus as a child, falling in the dirt
road outside of their home. Just as she reached to protect
him from the fall, she was now reaching to touch his wounded
adult face. Jesus looked at her with intensely probing and
passionately loving eyes (and at all of us through the screen)
and said "Behold I make all things new." These are words
taken from the last Book of the New Testament, the Book of
Revelations. Suddenly, the purpose of the pain was so clear
and the wounds, that earlier in the film had been so difficult
to see in His face, His back, indeed all over His body, became
intensely beautiful. They had been borne voluntarily for love.
At the end of the film, after we had all had a chance to recover,
a question and answer period ensued. The unanimous praise
for the film, from a rather diverse crowd, was as astounding
as the compliments were effusive. The questions included the
one question that seems to follow this film, even though it
has not yet even been released. "Why is this film considered
by some to be "anti-Semitic?" Frankly, having now experienced
(you do not "view" this film) "the Passion" it is a question
that is impossible to answer. A law professor whom I admire
sat in front of me. He raised his hand and responded
"After watching this film, I do not understand how anyone can
insinuate that it even remotely presents that the Jews killed
Jesus. It doesn't." He continued "It made me realize that
my sins killed Jesus" I agree. There is not a scintilla of anti-
Semitism to be found anywhere in this powerful film.
If there were, I would be among the first to decry it.
It faithfully tells the Gospel story in a dramatically beautiful,
sensitive and profoundly engaging way.
Those who are alleging otherwise have either not seen the
film or have another agenda behind their protestations.
This is not a "Christian" film, in the sense that it will appeal
only to those who identify themselves as followers of
Jesus Christ. It is a deeply human, beautiful story that will
deeply touch all men and women. It is a profound work of art.
Yes, its producer is a Catholic Christian and thankfully has
remained faithful to the Gospel text; if that is no longer
acceptable behavior than we are all in trouble. History
demands that we remain faithful to the story and Christians
have a right to tell it. After all, we believe that it is the
greatest story ever told and that its message is for all men
and women The greatest right is the right to hear the truth.
We would all be well advised to remember that the Gospel
narratives to which "The Passion" is so faithful were written
by Jewish men who followed a Jewish Rabbi whose life and
teaching have forever changed the history of the world.
The problem is not the message but those who have distorted
it and used it for hate rather than love. The solution is not
to censor the message, but rather to promote the kind of
gift of love that is Mel Gibson's filmmaking masterpiece,
"The Passion."
It should be seen by as many people as possible. I intend
to do everything I can to make sure that is the case.
I am passionate about "The Passion." You will be as well.
Don't miss it! This is a commentary by DAVID LIMBAUGH
about Mel Gibson's very controversial movie regarding Christ's
crucifixion. It, too, is well worth reading.
MEL GIBSON'S passion for "THE PASSION"
How ironic that when a movie producer takes artistic license
with historical events, he is lionized as artistic, creative and
brilliant, but when another takes special care to be true to
the real-life story, he is vilified. Actor-producer Mel Gibson is
discovering these truths the hard way as he is having
difficulty finding a United States studio or distributor for his
upcoming film, "The Passion," which depicts the last 12 hours
of the life of Jesus Christ.
Gibson co-wrote the script and financed, directed and
produced the movie. For the script, he and his co-author
relied on the New Testament Gospels of Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John, as well as the diaries of St. Anne Catherine
Emmerich (1774-1824) and Mary of Agreda's "The City of God."
Gibson doesn't want this to be like other sterilized religious
epics. "I'm trying to access the story on a very personal
level and trying to be very real about it." So committed to
realistically portraying what many would consider the most
important half-day in the history of the universe, Gibson even
shot the film in the Aramaic language of the period. In response
to objections that viewers will not be able to understand that
language, Gibson said, "Hopefully, I'll be able to transcend the
language barriers with my visual storytelling; if I fail, I fail,
but at least it'll be a monumental failure."
To further insure the accuracy of the work, Gibson has
enlisted the counsel of pastors and theologians, and has
received rave reviews. Don Hodel, president of Focus on the
Family, said, "I was very impressed. The movie is historically
and theologically accurate." Ted Haggard, pastor of New
Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colo., and president of the
National Evangelical Association, glowed: "It conveys, more
accurately than any other film, who Jesus was."
During the filming, Gibson, a devout Catholic, attended Mass
every morning because "we had to be squeaky clean just
working on this." From Gibson's perspective, this movie is
not about Mel Gibson. It's bigger than he is. "I'm not a
preacher, and I'm not a pastor," he said. "But I really feel
my career was leading me to make this. The Holy Ghost
was working through me on this film, and I was just directing
traffic. I hope the film has the power to evangelize."
Even before the release of the movie, scheduled for March
2004, Gibson is getting his wish. "Everyone who worked on
this movie was changed. There were agnostics and Muslims
on set converting to Christianity...[and] people being healed
of diseases." Gibson wants people to understand through the
movie, if they don't already, the incalculable influence Christ
has had on the world. And he grasps that Christ is
controversial precisely because of WHO HE IS - GOD incarnate.
"And that's the point of my film really, to show! all that
turmoil around him politically and with religious leaders
and the people, all because He is Who He is."
Gibson is beginning to experience first hand just how
controversial Christ is. Critics have not only speciously
challenged the movie's authenticity, but have charged that
it is disparaging to Jews, which Gibson vehemently denies.
"This is not a Christian vs. Jewish thing. '[Jesus] came into
the world, and it knew him not.' Looking at Christ's crucifixion,
I look first at my own culpability in that." Jesuit Father William J.
Fulco, who translated the script into Aramaic and Latin, said
he saw no hint of anti- Semitism in the movie. Fulco added,
"I would be aghast at any suggestion that Mel Gibson is
anti-Semitic." Nevertheless, certain groups and some in the
mainstream press have been very critical of Gibson's "Passion."
The New York Post's Andrea Peyser chided him: "There is still
time, Mel, to tell the truth." Boston Globe columnist James
Carroll denounced Gibson's literal reading of the biblical
accounts.
"Even a faithful repetition of the Gospel stories of the death
of Jesus can do damage exactly because those sacred texts
themselves carry the virus of Jew hatred," wrote Carroll.
A group of Jewish and Christian academics has issued an
18-page report slamming all aspects of the film, including its
undue emphasis on Christ's passion rather than "a broader
vision." The report disapproves of the movie's treatment
of Christ's passion as historical fact.
The moral is that if you want the popular culture to laud
your work on Christ, make sure it either depicts Him as a
homosexual or as an everyday sinner with no particular
redeeming value (literally). In our anti-Christian culture,
the blasphemous "The Last Temptation of Christ" is celebrated
and "The Passion" is condemned. But if this movie continues
to affect people the way it is now, no amount of cultural
opposition will suppress its force
and its positive impact o! n lives everywhere. Mel Gibson
is a model of faith and courage.
P.S. ON THE BILL O'RIELLY RADIO TALK SHOW
THIS WEEK, HE HAD THREE VERIFIED REPORTS THAT AFTER
(POPE JOHN SAW THE MOVIE) HIS ONLY COMMENT WAS
............ IT IS, AS IT WAS ..........
have been invited to a private viewing of Mel Gibson's
film "The Passion," but I had also read all the cautious
articles and spin. I grew up in a Jewish town and owe
much of my own faith journey to the influence.
I have a life long, deeply held aversion to anything
that might even indirectly encourage any form of
anti-Semitic thought, language or actions.
I arrived at the private viewing for "The Passion",
held in Washington DC and greeted some familiar faces.
The environment was typically Washingtonian, with
people greeting you with a smile but seeming to look
beyond you, having an agenda beyond the words.
The film was very briefly introduced, without fanfare,
and then the room darkened. From the gripping opening
scene in the Garden of Gethsemane, to the very human
and tender portrayal of the earthly ministry of Jesus,
through the betrayal, the arrest, the scourging, the
way of the cross, the encounter with the thieves, the
surrender on the Cross, until the final scene in the empty
tomb, this was not simply a movie; it was an encounter,
unlike anything I have ever experienced.
In addition to being a masterpiece of film-making and an
artistic triumph, "The Passion" evoked more deep reflection,
sorrow and emotional reaction within me than anything
since my wedding, my ordination or the birth of my children.
Frankly, I will never be the same. When the film concluded,
this "invitation only" gathering of "movers and shakers" in
Washington, DC were shaking indeed, but this time from
sobbing. I am not sure there was a dry eye in the place.
The crowd that had been glad-handing before the film
was now eerily silent. No one could speak because words
were woefully inadequate. We had experienced a kind of
art that is a rarity in life, the kind that makes heaven touch
earth.
One scene in the film has now been forever etched in my
mind. A brutalized, wounded Jesus was soon to fall again
under the weight of the cross. His mother had made her
way along the Via Della Rosa. As she ran to him, she flashed
back to a memory of Jesus as a child, falling in the dirt
road outside of their home. Just as she reached to protect
him from the fall, she was now reaching to touch his wounded
adult face. Jesus looked at her with intensely probing and
passionately loving eyes (and at all of us through the screen)
and said "Behold I make all things new." These are words
taken from the last Book of the New Testament, the Book of
Revelations. Suddenly, the purpose of the pain was so clear
and the wounds, that earlier in the film had been so difficult
to see in His face, His back, indeed all over His body, became
intensely beautiful. They had been borne voluntarily for love.
At the end of the film, after we had all had a chance to recover,
a question and answer period ensued. The unanimous praise
for the film, from a rather diverse crowd, was as astounding
as the compliments were effusive. The questions included the
one question that seems to follow this film, even though it
has not yet even been released. "Why is this film considered
by some to be "anti-Semitic?" Frankly, having now experienced
(you do not "view" this film) "the Passion" it is a question
that is impossible to answer. A law professor whom I admire
sat in front of me. He raised his hand and responded
"After watching this film, I do not understand how anyone can
insinuate that it even remotely presents that the Jews killed
Jesus. It doesn't." He continued "It made me realize that
my sins killed Jesus" I agree. There is not a scintilla of anti-
Semitism to be found anywhere in this powerful film.
If there were, I would be among the first to decry it.
It faithfully tells the Gospel story in a dramatically beautiful,
sensitive and profoundly engaging way.
Those who are alleging otherwise have either not seen the
film or have another agenda behind their protestations.
This is not a "Christian" film, in the sense that it will appeal
only to those who identify themselves as followers of
Jesus Christ. It is a deeply human, beautiful story that will
deeply touch all men and women. It is a profound work of art.
Yes, its producer is a Catholic Christian and thankfully has
remained faithful to the Gospel text; if that is no longer
acceptable behavior than we are all in trouble. History
demands that we remain faithful to the story and Christians
have a right to tell it. After all, we believe that it is the
greatest story ever told and that its message is for all men
and women The greatest right is the right to hear the truth.
We would all be well advised to remember that the Gospel
narratives to which "The Passion" is so faithful were written
by Jewish men who followed a Jewish Rabbi whose life and
teaching have forever changed the history of the world.
The problem is not the message but those who have distorted
it and used it for hate rather than love. The solution is not
to censor the message, but rather to promote the kind of
gift of love that is Mel Gibson's filmmaking masterpiece,
"The Passion."
It should be seen by as many people as possible. I intend
to do everything I can to make sure that is the case.
I am passionate about "The Passion." You will be as well.
Don't miss it! This is a commentary by DAVID LIMBAUGH
about Mel Gibson's very controversial movie regarding Christ's
crucifixion. It, too, is well worth reading.
MEL GIBSON'S passion for "THE PASSION"
How ironic that when a movie producer takes artistic license
with historical events, he is lionized as artistic, creative and
brilliant, but when another takes special care to be true to
the real-life story, he is vilified. Actor-producer Mel Gibson is
discovering these truths the hard way as he is having
difficulty finding a United States studio or distributor for his
upcoming film, "The Passion," which depicts the last 12 hours
of the life of Jesus Christ.
Gibson co-wrote the script and financed, directed and
produced the movie. For the script, he and his co-author
relied on the New Testament Gospels of Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John, as well as the diaries of St. Anne Catherine
Emmerich (1774-1824) and Mary of Agreda's "The City of God."
Gibson doesn't want this to be like other sterilized religious
epics. "I'm trying to access the story on a very personal
level and trying to be very real about it." So committed to
realistically portraying what many would consider the most
important half-day in the history of the universe, Gibson even
shot the film in the Aramaic language of the period. In response
to objections that viewers will not be able to understand that
language, Gibson said, "Hopefully, I'll be able to transcend the
language barriers with my visual storytelling; if I fail, I fail,
but at least it'll be a monumental failure."
To further insure the accuracy of the work, Gibson has
enlisted the counsel of pastors and theologians, and has
received rave reviews. Don Hodel, president of Focus on the
Family, said, "I was very impressed. The movie is historically
and theologically accurate." Ted Haggard, pastor of New
Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colo., and president of the
National Evangelical Association, glowed: "It conveys, more
accurately than any other film, who Jesus was."
During the filming, Gibson, a devout Catholic, attended Mass
every morning because "we had to be squeaky clean just
working on this." From Gibson's perspective, this movie is
not about Mel Gibson. It's bigger than he is. "I'm not a
preacher, and I'm not a pastor," he said. "But I really feel
my career was leading me to make this. The Holy Ghost
was working through me on this film, and I was just directing
traffic. I hope the film has the power to evangelize."
Even before the release of the movie, scheduled for March
2004, Gibson is getting his wish. "Everyone who worked on
this movie was changed. There were agnostics and Muslims
on set converting to Christianity...[and] people being healed
of diseases." Gibson wants people to understand through the
movie, if they don't already, the incalculable influence Christ
has had on the world. And he grasps that Christ is
controversial precisely because of WHO HE IS - GOD incarnate.
"And that's the point of my film really, to show! all that
turmoil around him politically and with religious leaders
and the people, all because He is Who He is."
Gibson is beginning to experience first hand just how
controversial Christ is. Critics have not only speciously
challenged the movie's authenticity, but have charged that
it is disparaging to Jews, which Gibson vehemently denies.
"This is not a Christian vs. Jewish thing. '[Jesus] came into
the world, and it knew him not.' Looking at Christ's crucifixion,
I look first at my own culpability in that." Jesuit Father William J.
Fulco, who translated the script into Aramaic and Latin, said
he saw no hint of anti- Semitism in the movie. Fulco added,
"I would be aghast at any suggestion that Mel Gibson is
anti-Semitic." Nevertheless, certain groups and some in the
mainstream press have been very critical of Gibson's "Passion."
The New York Post's Andrea Peyser chided him: "There is still
time, Mel, to tell the truth." Boston Globe columnist James
Carroll denounced Gibson's literal reading of the biblical
accounts.
"Even a faithful repetition of the Gospel stories of the death
of Jesus can do damage exactly because those sacred texts
themselves carry the virus of Jew hatred," wrote Carroll.
A group of Jewish and Christian academics has issued an
18-page report slamming all aspects of the film, including its
undue emphasis on Christ's passion rather than "a broader
vision." The report disapproves of the movie's treatment
of Christ's passion as historical fact.
The moral is that if you want the popular culture to laud
your work on Christ, make sure it either depicts Him as a
homosexual or as an everyday sinner with no particular
redeeming value (literally). In our anti-Christian culture,
the blasphemous "The Last Temptation of Christ" is celebrated
and "The Passion" is condemned. But if this movie continues
to affect people the way it is now, no amount of cultural
opposition will suppress its force
and its positive impact o! n lives everywhere. Mel Gibson
is a model of faith and courage.
P.S. ON THE BILL O'RIELLY RADIO TALK SHOW
THIS WEEK, HE HAD THREE VERIFIED REPORTS THAT AFTER
(POPE JOHN SAW THE MOVIE) HIS ONLY COMMENT WAS
............ IT IS, AS IT WAS ..........
Posted at 09:32 AM
Sat - January 24, 2004
New California Cabinet
The New Cabinet in
Sacramento...
Not to
worry...
The California State
government gears up
...........
Secretary of Finance (She'll squeeze that Budget!)
Secretary of Education (Look at that scowl! Teachers will not ask for more money!)
Secretary of Health Services
State Police Secretary (No more 'donuts')
Welfare Secretary (You will not ask for more!)
Special Projects Secretary...(She has a grip on the situation)
Secretary of State...(Visitors always welcome...but watch it!)
Secretary of Finance (She'll squeeze that Budget!)
Secretary of Education (Look at that scowl! Teachers will not ask for more money!)
Secretary of Health Services
State Police Secretary (No more 'donuts')
Welfare Secretary (You will not ask for more!)
Special Projects Secretary...(She has a grip on the situation)
Secretary of State...(Visitors always welcome...but watch it!)
Posted at 07:59 PM
Tue - January 20, 2004
Lawyers...
1. The Post Office just recalled their
latest stamps. They
weren't
working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he
lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Don't know. (There
are some things a pig just won't do.)
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable
wing tips.
17. Why does New York have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician? Chelsea Clinton.
working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he
lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Don't know. (There
are some things a pig just won't do.)
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable
wing tips.
17. Why does New York have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician? Chelsea Clinton.
Posted at 10:29 PM
Mon - January 19, 2004
Paul Harvey...
If I Were the Devil By: Paul
Harvey I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the
world;
I would delude their minds into
thinking that they had come from man's effort, instead of God's
blessings;
I would promote an
attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way
around;
I would dupe entire states into
relying on gambling for their state revenue;
I would convince people that
character is not an issue when it comes to
leadership;
I would make it legal to kill
unborn babies;
I would make it socially
acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it
convenient;
I would cheapen human life as
much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more than
human beings;
I would take God out of the
schools, where even the mention of His name was grounds for a
lawsuit;
I would come up with drugs that
sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes
to advertise them; I would get control of the media, so
that every night I could pollute
the mind of every family member with my agenda;
I would attack the family,
the backbone of any nation;
I would make divorce acceptable
and easy, even fashionable. If the family crumbles, so does
the nation;
I would compel people to express
their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and call
it art;
I would convince the world that
people are born homosexuals, and that their lifestyles should
be accepted;
I would convince the people that
right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and
refer to their agenda as politically correct;
I would persuade people that the
church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for the
naive;
I would dull the minds of
Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and
that faithfulness and obedience are optional;
Hmmm...
I guess if I were the devil, I'd
leave things pretty much the way they are.
....Good day
Posted at 02:37 PM
Tue - January 13, 2004
Mayonnaise Jar...
When things in your life
seem almost to much to handle,
when
24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise
jar.......and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded
to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the
jar was full
They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a
box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar
lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He
asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar,
effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The
students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children,
your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things
that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes
for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to
dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls
first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand & inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It
just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise
jar.......and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded
to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the
jar was full
They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a
box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar
lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He
asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar,
effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The
students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children,
your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things
that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes
for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to
dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls
first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand & inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It
just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Posted at 09:20 PM
Update your dictionary...
coffee
(n.), person who is coughed
upon.
flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
abdicate (v.), to give up hope of having a flat stomach.
esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
negligent (adj.), condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your underwear.
lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up when run
over by a steamroller.
balderdash (n.), rapidly receding hairline.
testicle (n.), humorous question on an exam.
rectitude (n.), formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist before examining you.
oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts.
pokemon (n), Jamaican proctologist.
flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
abdicate (v.), to give up hope of having a flat stomach.
esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
negligent (adj.), condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your underwear.
lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up when run
over by a steamroller.
balderdash (n.), rapidly receding hairline.
testicle (n.), humorous question on an exam.
rectitude (n.), formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist before examining you.
oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts.
pokemon (n), Jamaican proctologist.
Posted at 09:18 PM
Sat - January 10, 2004
Don't Ever Forget...
DON'T EVER FORGET
!!!!! This
is an extremely well done and powerful web site... HIGHLY
recommended!!
Posted at 11:09 PM
Fri - January 9, 2004
Six reasons not to mess with a child...
A little girl was talking
to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask
Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Posted at 04:41 PM
Credit card scam...
New scam by
phone
We all receive emails all the time regarding one
scam or another; but last week a friend REALLY DID get scammed!
Both VISA and MasterCard told me that this scam is
currently being worked throughout the Midwest, with some
variance as to the product or amount, and if you are
called, just hang up.
My husband was called on Wednesday from "VISA" and I
was called in Thursday from "MasterCard". It worked like
this: Person calling says, "This is Carl Patterson (any name)
and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud department at VISA.
My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged
for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify.
This would be on your VISA card issued by 5/3 bank.
Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for
$497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?"
When you say "No". The caller continues with, "Then
we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a
company we have been watching and the charges
range from $297 to $497, just under the $500
purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before
your next statement, the credit will be sent to
gives you your address), is that correct?"
You say, "Yes" The caller continues..."I will be
starting a fraud investigation. If you have any questions,
you should call the 800 number listed on your
card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. you will need
to refer to this Control #". Then gives you a 6 digit number.
"Do you need me to read it again?"
Caller then says he "needs to verify you are in
possession of your card. Turn the card over.
There are 7 numbers; first 4 are 1234(whatever)
the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are in
possession of the card. These are the numbers you use
to make internet purchases to prove you have the
card. Read me the 3 numbers." Then he says "That is
correct. I just needed to verify that the card has not been
lost or stolen, and that you still have your card.
Do you have any other questions?
Don't hesitate to call back if you do."
You actually say very little, and they never ask for
or tell you the card number. But after we were called
on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes
to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA
security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15
minutes a new purchase of $497.99WAS put on our card.
Long story made short...we made a real fraud report and
closed the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number.
What the scam wants is the 3 digit number! and that once
the charge goes through, they keep charging every few days.
By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is
coming, and then its harder to actually file a fraud report.
The real VISA reinforced that they will never ask for anything
on the card (they already know). What makes this more remarkable
is that on Thursday, I got a call from "Jason Richardson of
MasterCard" with a word for word repeat of the VISA Scam.
This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up. We filed a police report
(as instructed by VISA), and they said they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell friends, relatives and coworkers.
We all receive emails all the time regarding one
scam or another; but last week a friend REALLY DID get scammed!
Both VISA and MasterCard told me that this scam is
currently being worked throughout the Midwest, with some
variance as to the product or amount, and if you are
called, just hang up.
My husband was called on Wednesday from "VISA" and I
was called in Thursday from "MasterCard". It worked like
this: Person calling says, "This is Carl Patterson (any name)
and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud department at VISA.
My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged
for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify.
This would be on your VISA card issued by 5/3 bank.
Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for
$497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?"
When you say "No". The caller continues with, "Then
we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a
company we have been watching and the charges
range from $297 to $497, just under the $500
purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before
your next statement, the credit will be sent to
gives you your address), is that correct?"
You say, "Yes" The caller continues..."I will be
starting a fraud investigation. If you have any questions,
you should call the 800 number listed on your
card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. you will need
to refer to this Control #". Then gives you a 6 digit number.
"Do you need me to read it again?"
Caller then says he "needs to verify you are in
possession of your card. Turn the card over.
There are 7 numbers; first 4 are 1234(whatever)
the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are in
possession of the card. These are the numbers you use
to make internet purchases to prove you have the
card. Read me the 3 numbers." Then he says "That is
correct. I just needed to verify that the card has not been
lost or stolen, and that you still have your card.
Do you have any other questions?
Don't hesitate to call back if you do."
You actually say very little, and they never ask for
or tell you the card number. But after we were called
on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes
to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA
security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15
minutes a new purchase of $497.99WAS put on our card.
Long story made short...we made a real fraud report and
closed the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number.
What the scam wants is the 3 digit number! and that once
the charge goes through, they keep charging every few days.
By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is
coming, and then its harder to actually file a fraud report.
The real VISA reinforced that they will never ask for anything
on the card (they already know). What makes this more remarkable
is that on Thursday, I got a call from "Jason Richardson of
MasterCard" with a word for word repeat of the VISA Scam.
This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up. We filed a police report
(as instructed by VISA), and they said they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell friends, relatives and coworkers.
Posted at 04:38 PM
Thu - January 8, 2004
Girl Stuff...
Now I lay
me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
----------------------------------
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house
and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and
doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each
other.
----------------------------------
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't
get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
----------------------------------
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house
and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and
doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each
other.
----------------------------------
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't
get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Posted at 07:21 PM
Moments in Life...
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.
Please send this message to those people
who mean something to you (I JUST DID);
to those who have touched your life in one way or another;
to those who make you smile when you really need it;
to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down;
to those whose friendship you appreciate;
to those who are so meaningful in your life.
If you don't send it, don't worry,
nothing bad will happen to you;
you will just miss out on the opportunity
to brighten someone's day with this message!!!
Don't count the years-count the memories.........
Posted at 05:52 PM
The Dollar Bill...
Take out a one
dollar bill, and look at it. The one dollar bill you're looking at first came
off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money
is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers
running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without
it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never
know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp
look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States .. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin 's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking."
The
Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At
the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If you look at the
right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every
National Cemetery in the United States . It is also on the Parade of Flags
Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of
most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President
of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few
people know what the symbols mean.
The
Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is
not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of
England . Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now
stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar
signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one
nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, " E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning,
"one nation from many people".
Above the Eagle, you
have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds
of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as
one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.
Share this page with others, so they can learn what is on the back of the UNITED STATES ONE DOLLAR BILL, and what it stands for... Otherwise, they may never know.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States .. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin 's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking."
The
Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At
the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If you look at the
right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every
National Cemetery in the United States . It is also on the Parade of Flags
Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of
most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President
of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few
people know what the symbols mean.The
Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is
not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of
England . Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now
stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar
signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one
nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, " E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning,
"one nation from many people".
Above the Eagle, you
have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds
of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as
one.Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.
Share this page with others, so they can learn what is on the back of the UNITED STATES ONE DOLLAR BILL, and what it stands for... Otherwise, they may never know.
Posted at 04:25 PM
It's All Relative...
Two paragraphs to kick off 2004. But
you might not really need to know
this!
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think
about whether you want that politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
- A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
- A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
- A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
- A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
Washington spends it.
The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this:
- It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
- It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary
Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
- It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to
destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
- It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in
Florida!!!!!!
Happy New Year.
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think
about whether you want that politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
- A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
- A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
- A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
- A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
Washington spends it.
The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this:
- It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
- It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary
Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
- It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to
destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
- It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in
Florida!!!!!!
Happy New Year.
Posted at 03:55 PM
Tue - January 6, 2004
Christain Humor...
There is the story of a pastor who got up one
Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay
for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back
of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those
who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short
of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father.
"So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the
worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they
were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to
find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the
last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service,"
he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great
difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay
for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back
of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those
who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short
of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father.
"So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the
worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they
were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to
find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the
last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service,"
he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great
difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
Posted at 08:38 AM
Sun - January 4, 2004
My official resignation..... wanna join???
I am hereby officially tendering my
resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year-old
again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant...
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms
are
better than money because you can eat
them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run alemonade stand with my friends on a hot
summer's day. I
want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because
you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or
upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things
again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of
paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is
money in the bank, doctor
bills,
gossip,
illness, and loss of loved
ones...
I want to believe in the power of smiles,
hugs, a
kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
......"Tag! You're it."
Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple
things in
Life.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Hope Ya'll join!
again.I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant...
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms
are
better than money because you can eat
them.I want to lie under a big oak tree and run alemonade stand with my friends on a hot
summer's day. I
want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because
you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or
upset.I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things
again.I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of
paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is
money in the bank, doctor
bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved
ones...I want to believe in the power of smiles,
hugs, a
kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow.So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
......"Tag! You're it."
Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple
things in
Life.((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Hope Ya'll join!
Posted at 10:50 PM
The ones that didn't get away..
Caught at Corona Lakes, California on Jan 3 2004 by Mike Adams using 4 lb test.
21.5 lb - 31 inches long
Bait used to catch Mike's
fish.
Ron's Corona Catch Jan 15th 2004
Ron's Corona Catch Jan 15th 2004
Posted at 10:37 PM
Thu - January 1, 2004
What's Uppp...
Just thought I'd look in on
you to see if you were at your computer. And you
ARE. Have a nice day.
Posted at 03:39 PM
ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY...
Did you see in the news last week where
the A C L U doesn't want any crosses
on any Federal property?
Let them try and remove these!! What are these people thinking?? At what point do we say, enough is enough?
Posted at 03:38 PM
Road Rage Perfection!
Two cars were waiting at a
stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the
car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding
on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't
move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at
the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the
woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and
curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and
accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The
woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to
get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her
window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious-looking
policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both
hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts
off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She
gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car,
then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is
fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked, and placed in a cell. After
a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting
with her personal effects and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But, you
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the
guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper ticker, the
'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk. “Naturally I assumed you had stolen the
car.”
Posted at 03:33 PM
Wed - December 31, 2003
Water in the Microwave...
I was very glad to get this email from a
friend, because I have been guilty of heating water in a microwave many times.
You'll be glad you read it. I also suggest passing it along to friends and
family.
About five days ago, my 26-year-old son decided to have a cup of instant coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the time for but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil.
When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup he noted that the water was not boiling. Then instantly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face.
The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build-up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He may also have lost partial sight in his left eye.
While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something such as a wooden stir stick or a tea bag should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy.
Here is what our science teacher has to say on the matter:
"Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur any time water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new. What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapour bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat that has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point. What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid? The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.
Pass this on, it could save a lot of pain and suffering
About five days ago, my 26-year-old son decided to have a cup of instant coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the time for but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil.
When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup he noted that the water was not boiling. Then instantly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face.
The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build-up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He may also have lost partial sight in his left eye.
While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something such as a wooden stir stick or a tea bag should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy.
Here is what our science teacher has to say on the matter:
"Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur any time water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new. What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapour bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat that has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point. What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid? The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.
Pass this on, it could save a lot of pain and suffering
Posted at 07:42 PM
THE NAB BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas twelve days before Christmas, when
all through Iraq
One creature WAS stirring, hiding under a rock;
The styrofoam was hung over the rathole with care,
In hopes the 4th Infantry wouldn't look there;
Ol' Saddam was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of a comeback danced in his head;
And nestled beside him, in a black briefcase,
Was three quarters of a mil, in bills hard to trace.
When up above him there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the trapdoor he flew like a thistle,
Looked up the rathole and threw down his pistol.
The light from above on his crest-fallen face
Showed his captors that he would give up the chase,
'Cause, what to his weary eyes should appear,
But a US soldier and eight more at the rear,
They saw a cowering rat , who'd been on the lam ,
And they knew in a moment it must be Saddam.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he whimpered , and mumbled, and called them some names;
"Now, boys don't be hasty! Now, guys, I must mention
That you mustn't forget the Geneva Convention!"
Then out of his hole they dragged his sorry butt
And checked him for weapons and searched the hut.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to their headquarters the captors they flew,
With the briefcase full of cash , and Ol' Saddam too.
And then, in a twinkling, they made the ID
There was no mistake: it really was he.
As they peeled off his jacket and checked his tattoos,
CNN was right there to transmit the good news.
He was dressed like a beggar, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of money he had stashed by his side,
And he looked like a loser who'd lost all his pride.
His cheeks-- how hollow! his head full of hay!
He was definitely having a Bad-Hair Day!
His smart-ass mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And he just mumbled: " What're you guys doing here?"
A rat's nest of a beard covered his forlorn face,
And they could tell he'd been running on an eight-month chase;
He had lost some weight but still was quite stocky,
And he trembled in fear and raved in Iraqi.
He was sallow and drawn, an almost pitiful work,
But no one felt sorry for the worthless jerk;
The resignation in his eye and the hang of his head,
Soon gave all to know they had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a truth, but went straight to his lies,
And dodged all the questions; then turned with a sigh,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Shot the bird to his captors as his cell door closed;
He sank down on his cot, to his guards gave a mutter,
And then sadly begged: "Could I have some supper?".
But I heard him exclaim, as he formed his hands in a prayerful
"steeple":
"Praise be to Allah; just don't turn me over to the Iraqi people."
Dec. 16, 2003
Ken Young
402 Pebblebrook
Seabrook, TX 77586
One creature WAS stirring, hiding under a rock;
The styrofoam was hung over the rathole with care,
In hopes the 4th Infantry wouldn't look there;
Ol' Saddam was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of a comeback danced in his head;
And nestled beside him, in a black briefcase,
Was three quarters of a mil, in bills hard to trace.
When up above him there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the trapdoor he flew like a thistle,
Looked up the rathole and threw down his pistol.
The light from above on his crest-fallen face
Showed his captors that he would give up the chase,
'Cause, what to his weary eyes should appear,
But a US soldier and eight more at the rear,
They saw a cowering rat , who'd been on the lam ,
And they knew in a moment it must be Saddam.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he whimpered , and mumbled, and called them some names;
"Now, boys don't be hasty! Now, guys, I must mention
That you mustn't forget the Geneva Convention!"
Then out of his hole they dragged his sorry butt
And checked him for weapons and searched the hut.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to their headquarters the captors they flew,
With the briefcase full of cash , and Ol' Saddam too.
And then, in a twinkling, they made the ID
There was no mistake: it really was he.
As they peeled off his jacket and checked his tattoos,
CNN was right there to transmit the good news.
He was dressed like a beggar, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of money he had stashed by his side,
And he looked like a loser who'd lost all his pride.
His cheeks-- how hollow! his head full of hay!
He was definitely having a Bad-Hair Day!
His smart-ass mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And he just mumbled: " What're you guys doing here?"
A rat's nest of a beard covered his forlorn face,
And they could tell he'd been running on an eight-month chase;
He had lost some weight but still was quite stocky,
And he trembled in fear and raved in Iraqi.
He was sallow and drawn, an almost pitiful work,
But no one felt sorry for the worthless jerk;
The resignation in his eye and the hang of his head,
Soon gave all to know they had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a truth, but went straight to his lies,
And dodged all the questions; then turned with a sigh,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Shot the bird to his captors as his cell door closed;
He sank down on his cot, to his guards gave a mutter,
And then sadly begged: "Could I have some supper?".
But I heard him exclaim, as he formed his hands in a prayerful
"steeple":
"Praise be to Allah; just don't turn me over to the Iraqi people."
Dec. 16, 2003
Ken Young
402 Pebblebrook
Seabrook, TX 77586
Posted at 12:15 PM
'Twas The Night Before Christmas...
For Moms
For Mom's
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping all snug in their beds, while
Visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?"
With the toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh, great," muttered Mom, "now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake,
your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."
Then out walked the clone - The Mother's twin;
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless."
"Fantastic!" the Mom cheered. "My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!"
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy? Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the Mom smiled, "she sure knows her part."
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "And I love you, too."
The Mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That's my child's love she is trying to steal."
Smiling wisely, Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving Mother is needed here."
The Mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle and song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Good night.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, you will be all right."
Written By:
Karen Spiegler
(Originally published in December 1993 issue of Manic Moms)
One of the greatest gifts God can give is our children -
just as God's greatest Gift came as a child.
During these crazy weeks before Christmas,
as you shop and bake and clean and decorate and mail cards. . .
think of this as a reminder to take a moment for extra hugs and kisses
and make sure your children know how much you love them.
That's what it's all about anyway, right?
Merry Christmas !
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping all snug in their beds, while
Visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?"
With the toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh, great," muttered Mom, "now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake,
your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."
Then out walked the clone - The Mother's twin;
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless."
"Fantastic!" the Mom cheered. "My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!"
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy? Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the Mom smiled, "she sure knows her part."
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "And I love you, too."
The Mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That's my child's love she is trying to steal."
Smiling wisely, Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving Mother is needed here."
The Mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle and song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Good night.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, you will be all right."
Written By:
Karen Spiegler
(Originally published in December 1993 issue of Manic Moms)
One of the greatest gifts God can give is our children -
just as God's greatest Gift came as a child.
During these crazy weeks before Christmas,
as you shop and bake and clean and decorate and mail cards. . .
think of this as a reminder to take a moment for extra hugs and kisses
and make sure your children know how much you love them.
That's what it's all about anyway, right?
Merry Christmas !
Posted at 09:01 AM
Wed - December 24, 2003
Tue - December 23, 2003
Fawnouflage...
Some people found this fawn on their front
steps and took this photo. The white spots on the steps are apple blossom
petals. A great job of camouflage! The fawn stayed there all morning (they live
in Bend, OR) and the mama came to get it after four or five hours. Hats off to
the people for leaving the fawn alone, knowing mom would be back!! People
don’t realize that mama has to forage too and will leave baby to do so.
They lay motionless in the grass (or apple blossoms) for her
return
Posted at 10:01 AM
Only in...
Only in
China
Only in Hawaii
Only in India
Only in Mexico
Only in Texas
Only in Thailand
And last,
Only in America
Only in Hawaii
Only in India
Only in Mexico
Only in Texas
Only in Thailand
And last,
Only in America
Posted at 08:42 AM
Fri - December 19, 2003
Why we Love Children...
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher
he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she
asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
move," answered the
child innocently.
You did WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over
and went 'Pssst!' and
it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his
father.
Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights
out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of
water?"
water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was
always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you
expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent
thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She
was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring
hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his
shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
"The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday
morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were
invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a
bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my
third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has
a baby growing in her
tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's
growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and
gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to
do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them
to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she
answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was
reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of
the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read,
".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is
falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And
what do you think that
farmer said?"
farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I
think he said: 'Holy Shit!
A talking chicken!'"
A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her
name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with
the boys, they're too
rough." The little girl thought about it for
a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop
with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets
his hair cut, eating a
snack cake The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get
boobs too."
Posted at 08:47 PM
Wed - December 17, 2003
Mon - December 15, 2003
The Reason for the Season...
This morning I heard a story on the radio
of a woman who was
out Christmas shopping with her two children; after many hours
of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable,
and after ours of hearing both of her children asking for everything
they saw on hose many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator
with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday
season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to
every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats,
get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list,
make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and
the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car.
She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and
all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and
stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung
up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice
respond, "Don't worry. We already crucified him."
For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have
heard a pin drop.
Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas
thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it,
just think of how different this whole world would be.
The Reason for The Season!
out Christmas shopping with her two children; after many hours
of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable,
and after ours of hearing both of her children asking for everything
they saw on hose many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator
with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday
season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to
every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats,
get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list,
make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and
the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car.
She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and
all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and
stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung
up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice
respond, "Don't worry. We already crucified him."
For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have
heard a pin drop.
Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas
thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it,
just think of how different this whole world would be.
The Reason for The Season!
Posted at 09:30 AM
Sun - December 14, 2003
The Engineers...
Comprehending Engineers - Take
One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him."
"Hey, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After! serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything
and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a
day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on one particular component of
the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer
for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of
his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark - $1.00
Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.
--------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and
Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build
targets.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will
it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him."
"Hey, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After! serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything
and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a
day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on one particular component of
the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer
for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of
his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark - $1.00
Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.
--------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and
Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build
targets.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will
it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
---------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Posted at 05:37 PM
Did you know...
While both male and female reindeer grow
antlers in the summer each
year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one
of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've
known....... Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one
of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've
known....... Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
Posted at 01:55 PM
The Ostrich...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full
grown
ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes
over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,
" and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,
" and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening,
the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the
order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes
over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,
" and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,
" and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening,
the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the
order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Posted at 01:36 PM
Sat - December 13, 2003
Fri - December 12, 2003
Safety tips for women...
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is
the strongest point on
your
body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: If a robber asks
for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away
from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or
purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN
THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back
tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like
crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved
lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,
eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list,
etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is
the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a
gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or
parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger
Side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the
Passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling
them into Their vans while the women are attempting to get into their
cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and
The passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your
car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a
guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than
dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.(Stairwells are
horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). [There goes my exercise program!]
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100
times; And Even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT!
it may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies
of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked
"for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he
abducted his next victim.
body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: If a robber asks
for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away
from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or
purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN
THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back
tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like
crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved
lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,
eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list,
etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is
the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a
gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or
parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger
Side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the
Passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling
them into Their vans while the women are attempting to get into their
cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and
The passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your
car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a
guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than
dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.(Stairwells are
horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). [There goes my exercise program!]
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100
times; And Even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT!
it may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies
of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked
"for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he
abducted his next victim.
Posted at 08:51 PM
A young man and his Parrot...
A young man named John received a parrot
as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the
parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the
parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Posted at 02:28 PM
Wed - December 10, 2003
Dear Abby...
I recently read your column advising
grandparents on "tough love" for
grandparents to give misbehaving
grandchildren, whose own parents let
them run wild. I have followed your advice,
and enclose a picture
demonstrating my technique when my grandson
just won't behave while
I'm babysitting for his parents. They have
told me not to spank him,
so I just take him for a ride, and he usually
calms down afterward.
Sign me,
Tough Love Grandma
Posted at 08:01 PM
Indoustorious Clock
http://www.lares.dti.ne.jp/~yugo/storage/monocrafts_ver3/03/index.html
Cut and paste
Cut and paste
Posted at 07:54 PM
What Happens When Engineers Think Too Much About Christmas...
1. No known species of reindeer can fly.
But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and
while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out
flying reindeer, which only Santa has
seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Jewish children, that reduces the work load to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ? million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS; the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.
4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa, who is inexorably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9, we need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.2 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now. Ho! Ho! Ho!
2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Jewish children, that reduces the work load to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ? million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS; the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.
4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa, who is inexorably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9, we need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.2 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Posted at 07:45 PM
Tue - December 9, 2003
Christmas Stamps...
A woman goes to the
post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me six
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Baptist and 22 Methodist."
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me six
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Baptist and 22 Methodist."
Posted at 11:42 PM
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE...
What do you expect from such simple
creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress -- $5000; tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes is more than an adequate selection for any and all
occasions.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress -- $5000; tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes is more than an adequate selection for any and all
occasions.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Posted at 04:44 PM
Tue - November 4, 2003
Life...
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold the tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge. . . Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is. . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is. . . Having friends.
At age 16 success is. . . Having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is. . . Having sex.
At age 35 success is. . . Having money.
At age 50 success is. . . Having money.
At age 60 success is. . . Having sex.
At age 70 success is. . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is. . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is. . . Not peeing your pants.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold the tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge. . . Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is. . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is. . . Having friends.
At age 16 success is. . . Having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is. . . Having sex.
At age 35 success is. . . Having money.
At age 50 success is. . . Having money.
At age 60 success is. . . Having sex.
At age 70 success is. . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is. . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is. . . Not peeing your pants.
Posted at 10:39 PM
Sun - November 2, 2003
Tue - October 28, 2003
With Honor...
This is really touching, thought you
would all enjoy it.
Have sound on....
http://www.pressaprint.com/som/WeSupportU2.htm
You may have to copy and paste the above address to your browser.
Have sound on....
http://www.pressaprint.com/som/WeSupportU2.htm
You may have to copy and paste the above address to your browser.
Thanks Kerry. You were
right.
Posted at 06:50 PM
