Cold Feet


It's 4am and I'm in the my chair not sleeping again. I haven't started sleeping through the night since being back in San Francisco after my trip around the world but this morning I'm here because I'm scared. I've talked the church into doing something that I think is a great idea, and they've agreed with a hybrid mixture of support and grace, but now that things are starting later today I'm coldly aware of all the things that could go wrong, aware of all the ways that the plans we made weren't thoughtful enough and how few people I ended up involving when I had hoped to capture the imagination of everyone.

It's 4am and I'm in the my chair not sleeping again. I haven't started sleeping through the night since being back in San Francisco after my trip around the world but this morning I'm here because I'm scared. I've talked the church into doing something that I think is a great idea, and they've agreed with a hybrid mixture of support and grace, but now that things are starting later today I'm coldly aware of all the things that could go wrong, aware of all the ways that the plans we made weren't thoughtful enough and how few people I ended up involving when I had hoped to capture the imagination of everyone.

By the way, this is routine for me to be nervous like this before something.

Anytime I start anything, or try something new, I get really, really nervous. I think it's God's way of making me pay attention. If it isn't his way, then it's certainly a sideline benefit! Because I'm paying attention to God right now in a way that borders on desperation.

So the thing we're doing, since I've written around it I should probably explain it a bit, is an apprenticeship. What we as a church have noticed is that it takes years of practice and dedication to become adept at living as a member of any community, but especially an intentional church community. To learn the culture, to know the people, to find a place in it, and to contribute in a way that shapes it doesn't just happen overnight. So our church has embarked on a way that invites interested parties to live with us for a year as apprentices. To give them a taste and see on why we find life together to be such a great and exhausting adventure. Jesus didn't just tell people about his life, he invited them to follow. Or as it says in the John version, "Come and see." The apprenticeship is our way of saying to people who are interested in our church, "Come and see."

So why would anybody be nervous about that? Well, I've talked 4 people into making this experiment the primary vocation of their spiritual life over the next year, and I feel the weight of that responsibility. That's one thing but also this is uncharted water and I'm not just swimming by myself, I've talked a whole church into swimming past the lifeguard sign of known territory. It makes me realize how many times Moses must have woken up at night and replayed the conversation at the burning bush.

Strangely it isn't all about good things like responsibility and casting a vision that comes from God. A good bit of it comes simply from worrying about my image. I'm worried about looking like an idiot. Which isn't probably a worthwhile fear or something, but you know how fears go, they don't take the time to make sure they are noble or rational. At least mine don't. I will say that this fear, while ignoble, is very rational. Asking people to give their life up for something for a year is a quick way to looking like an idiot. I already have!!! And will again.

I'm aware of the distance between what I had hoped for and what I accomplished in terms of helping people in the church participate. What I was aiming at was everybody in the church getting to contribute. What I know is that having to many expectations can turn the "getting to contribute" into a "having to contribute", and that saps a community of it's energy and passion. The leadership tightrope-walk on these things is so tenuous. Inspiring while expecting. But then one of the things that I realize is that I can't leave on a month long trip and come back a week before something like this starts and expect to have done a perfect job on setting it up. Still, the distance remains between what I had hoped for and what actually happened.

I should mention, before I make anybody who reads this too nervous, that this is a very common conversation to myself and you don't need to worry about me. It sounds worse than it is. It's just pre-game willies and once the bell sounds things will have their own inertia.

So if you're reading this and you have a few moments to pray for the apprenticeship, please do.

Posted: Fri - September 10, 2004 at 04:33 AM        

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