The Great Simpsons Quote War of 2001

Quotes used as signatures to email between Joshua and Paul, between 3/5/2001 and 9/24/01. [comments]

P---
Marge: "C'mon Homer, Japan will be fun! You liked 'Rashomon'..."
Homer: "That's not how I remember it..."

J---
Homer: "I like my beer cold and my homosexuals flaming!"

P---
Marge: "Couldn't you have just turned up the heat?"
Dr. Hibbard: "Oh my, no! It had to be FEAR SWEAT!"

P---
"Hey! I need that to live!"
-Milhouse

J---
Bart: "But mommmmmmmm..."
Marge: "Yes?"
Bart: "That's all I got."

P---
Homer: "Can we trade, Marge? I don't trust these guys..."
(Nude Homer & Marge in front of lumberjack lawn ornaments)

P---
Principal Skinner: "Pull, Willie!"
Groundskeeper Willie: "I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!"

J---
"Mmmmmmmmmm... Loganberry."
-Homer

J---
"I don't know where you pixies came from, but I sure like your pixie drink!"
-Barney

P---
Homer's brain: "Well, there it is, Homer. The wittiest thing you'll ever say and there's no one around to hear it."
Homer: "D'oh!"

J---
Mr. Burns: "Smithers, take off my belt."
Smithers: "With pleasure, sir!"

P---
(Singing)
Apu: "Who needs the Kwiki-Mart?"
Marge: "Their floors are sticky-Mart!"
Lisa: "They made Dad sicky-Mart!"
Bart: "Let's hurl a bricky-Mart!"
Homer: "The Kwiki-Mart is real...d'oh!"

J---
"Eeek! - I mean, Ach! - I mean, what're you doin' 'ere?"
-Groundskeeper Willie

P---
"...with Smithers out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence!"
-M. Burns

P---
Marge: "Oh, that's your solution to everything-live under the sea!"

P---
"Lucite...hardening! Must end life...in classic Lorne Green pose...from 'Battlestar Galactica'...best...death...ever!"
-Comic Book Guy

J---
Homer: "I hate folding sheets."
Marge: "That's your underwear."
Homer: "Well whatever it is, it's a two-man job."

J---
"Please do not offer my God a peanut."
-Apu

P---
"New feelings brewing in Duff Man! What would Jesus do?"
-Duff Man

P---
"Now Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy stories about Bart working in a burlesque house..."
-Homer

J---
"When's the last time you guys freaked out the establishment?"
-Homer

P---
"...that's a mug you DON'T want to chug!"
-Duffman

J---
"Mistakes were made"
-Bart

P---
"...and that's when the Chuds came at me."
-H. Simpson

P---
"Hello, I'm Mr. Plow. Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snow-blowers, and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?"
-Homer

J---
"My god! It's nothing but carrots and peyote!"
-Chief Wiggum

P---
"...there's your answer, fish-bulb!"
-Bart (after Mr. Sparkle commercial)

J---
Mr. Burns: "No one will want to kiss me after this, eh, Smithers?"
Smithers: "Well, it's their loss, sir."

J---
"Hey Marge - remember when we used to make out to this hymn?"
-Homer

P---
"Simspson-Homer Simpson!
He's the greatest guy in history!
From the town of Springfield-
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!"
-Homer, singing 'Flinstones' theme
(& hitting a chestnut tree)

J---
"Hmmmm... Hot food is tempting, but I just can't turn down a weapon!"
-Nelson Muntz

P---
Homer: "Well, I know ONE thing in this world that's still pure & good..."
Marge: "Christian love?"
Homer: "No! Candy! SWEET, SWEET CANDY!!!"
-Intro to 'Candy Medley' on the Simpsons Family Smile-Time Variety Hour

J---
"Hey, Dad - heard you swearin'. Mind if
I join in? Crap, boobs, crap."
-Bart

P---
"Must kill Moe...wheeee! Must kill Moe...wheee!"
-Homer

P---
"...you might say the secret ingredient is salt!"
-Marge

P---
Wiggum: "Think you can get this car home?"
Barney: "Sure thing, giant beer!"

J---
Marge: "He prefers the company of men."
Homer: "Who doesn't?"

P---
Mr. Burns: "Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket!"
Mr. Smithers: “You don't have to tell me, sir!"

J---
"This freezer is an attractive nuisance. Just look at all that ice cream. It's damn near irresistible."
-Chief Wiggum

J---
"The story you are about to hear is true, and by true I mean false. It's lies, all of it. But they are entertaining lies, and in the end isn't that what's important? The answer is no."
-Leonard Nimoy

P---
"Oh no-foiled by my own shoddy merchandise!"
-The one-armed guy

J---
"I stand by my racial slur."
-Mayor Quimby

P---
"You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass!"
-Mayor Quimby

J---
"What, what, what, what, what? This better be about pizza."
-Chief Wiggum

J---
"They have the Internet on computers now?"
-Homer

J---
"Son, don't go up that mountain-you'll die up there, just like I did!"
-Grandpa

P---
"Must hurt self...must hurt self..."
-Homer

J---
"I am thy God. If I happen to be out, the Krusty doll be thy God."
-Bart

P---
"That raccoon stole my lambchop!"
-Grandpa

J---
"It's craptacular."
-Bart

P---
"Hey! Don't bogart that Squishy!"
-Milhouse

J---
"It started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy."
-Milhouse

J---
"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
-Ralph Wiggum

P---
Bart: "Dad! You killed zombie Flanders!"
Homer: "...he was a zombie?"

P---
"Thank you for coming! I'll see you in hell!"
-Apu

J---
"Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab!"
-Homer

P---
"Bart! No grifting!"
-Marge

P---
"Mmm...unprocessed fish sticks..."
-Homer

J---
"We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!"
-Kang (as Bob Dole)

P---
"I guess some people never change...or, they quickly change and then quickly change back again..."
-'Pin Pal' Homer

P---
"Help me, Jeebus!"
-Homer

J---
"Sensory deprivation kicks ass!"
-Homer

P---
"..and thank you for sending Lisa to save us from the moth you sent!"
-Rodd (or Todd)

J---
Todd: "Did you bury him very deep, daddy?"
Ned: "Not so deep that the Lord can't find him... and judge him."

P---
"Hi! I'm Troy Mclure! You may remember me from such films as 'Francis The Surfing Mule', and 'The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed'"!
-Troy Mclure

J---
"I hate these flood pants... Hey! They're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!"
-Milhouse

P---
"According to this government chart I should've died in 1972!"
-Abe Simpson

P---
Moe: "This baby'll flash-fry a buffalo in 30 seconds!"
Homer: "30 seconds? But I want it now..."

P---
"Back you goes, to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' taste..."
-Cletus

J---
Marge: "Well, I guess nothing else matters, so long as you're happy."
Homer: "Now you’re making sense - good night."

P---
"Young lady, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
-Homer

J---
Mr. Burns: "I want to be loved."
Homer: "I see... I'll need some beer."

P---
"Your dad used to be smart as a monkey. Now, he's dumber than a chimp!"
-Abe Simpson

P---
"The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money!"
-Dr. Nick

J---
"Conga, conga, con-ga!
We love Monty Burns more!
Conga like you mean it!
Please don't make me shock you!"
-Mr. Burns

P---
"Oh, cheeseburgers and loneliness are a dangerous combination..."
-Comic Book Guy

P---
"A respirator? And here I've been using my own lungs like a chump!"
-Homer

J---
"Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher."
-Comic Book Guy

P---
"Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
-Ralph Wiggum

J---
"It's not just a store - it's a Megastore! 'Mega' means 'good,' 'store' means 'thing.'"
-Homer

P---
"They're not cooties, they're head lice, and they're nothing to be ashamed of!"
-Milhouse

J---
Mr. Burns: "Eh, Smithers - you say you painted all your navy buddies this way?"
Smithers: "Until I was discharged, sir!"

P---
"Science is like a blabbermouth that ruins the ending! There are some things we don't WANT to know! Important things!"
-Ned Flanders

J---
Ralph Wiggum: "Daddy, this tastes like grandma!"
Chief Wiggum: "Holy Moses, it does taste like grandma!"

J---
"Deploy the de-lochinator!"
-Mr. Burns

P---
"Your wussiness better come in handy!"
-Nelson Muntz

J---
Carl: "Lenny - sending some outgoing mail?"
Lenny: "You know it!"
Carl: "Yeah, I think I'll send some tomorrow."
Lenny: "I hear that!"
*High-five*

P---
"Well, lemmee just say I want to put the "stew" back in "student!"
-Ned Flanders

J---
Lisa: "We make a good team!"
Homer: "A groin-grabbingly good team!"

J---
"The important thing is, I didn't get my come-uppance... And I never will."
-Homer

J---
'Honk if you demand satisfaction'
-Bumper Sticker

P---
"Oh no! It's a hungry hungry hippo!"
-Homer

J---
Homer: "You've never given anyone free beer!"
Moe: "I ain't never been slapped by no deulin' glove, neither!"

J---
Marge: "It says this house is owned by the dog from 'Frasier' - and there's where Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche live!"
Ellen & Anne: "We're lesbians!"

P---
Sideshow Mel: "You can be so cruel when you're sober."
Krusty: "Well, I can fix that! I'm going on the bender to end all benders!"

J---
"When I was 17,
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer
I purchased with a fake I.D.
My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was 17."
-Homer (singing)

P---
"My prescription is another hot beef injection!"
-Homer

J---
Mel Gibson: "Movies really mean that much to you?"
Homer: "They're my only escape from the drudgery of my work and family."

P---
"Oh, I can't even grovel properly! I'm a buffoon!"
-Mr. Smithers

J---
"If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus, it's that radiation makes things grow really big, really fast!"
-Homer

J---
"Seymour needs to use the toilet! ... His bladder's full! ... Of urine!"
-Mother Skinner

P---
"I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening."
-Homer

P---
Chief Wiggum: "Don't worry, that car thief can't hold his breath forever!"
Cop: "And if he can, Chief?"
Chief Wiggum: "Then God help us all!"

J---
"Braaaaains... Use your brains to help us! Your delicious braaaains..."
-Homer

J---
"Release the mongoose!"
-Homer

J---
"Worst - ending - ever!"
-Comic Book Guy

P---
"Yar, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all."
-Sea Captain

J---
Marge: "Aren't you going to give him the last rites?"
Rev. Lovejoy: "That's Catholic, Marge - you might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance."

P---
Marge: "Have you been up all night eating cheese?"
Homer: "I think I'm blind!"

J---
"Note to self: stop doing anything."
-Homer

P---
"You wrecked Hitler's car-what'd he ever do to you?"
-Nelson Muntz

J---
Flanders: "Looks like we're going to have an imagination Christmas this year."
Rodd & Todd: "Yaaaayyy! Imagination Christmas!"
Rodd: "I got a pogo stick!"
Todd: "I got a hula hoop!"

P---
"Knife goes in, guts come out!"
-Bart

J---
Lisa: "Dad, are you licking toads?"
Homer: "I'm not not licking toads."

P---
"Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!"
-Abe Simpson

J---
Josephine: "Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park next to my parents?"
Cletus: "Now, honey, it's my parents, too."

P---
"Holy smoke! You need some booze!"
-Dr. Nick

P---
"Now it's Marge's time to shine!"
-Marge

J---
Dr. Hibbert: "Hmmmm... A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet."
Mrs. Hibbert: "Don't you usually laugh at everything, dear?"
Dr. Hibbert: "Yes. Yes I do."

P---
"What a load of crappy-crap-crap!"
-Bart

P---
"Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?"
-Homer

P---
"Score one for the bad guys! Yee-haa!"
-Texas billionaire

J---
Lisa: "Dad, there are other wipes than star wipes."
Homer: "Why eat hamburger when you can have steak?"

P---
Lisa: "Tag. Now you are the one who is it."
Milhouse: "Understood."
(From school uniform show)

J---
"Now if the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."
-Homer

P---
"I bet I'll get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma."
-Otto

J---
"Can I have your buttocks, I mean, if you die? They look real comfortable."
-Moe

J---
Dr. Hibbert: "You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of interferon!"
Homer: "Well you're interfer-on with our fun!"

P---
Homer: "My name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me."
Postal Worker: "All right, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?"
Homer: "I don't know."

J---
"Wait! I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jeebus!"
-Homer

J---
"They used to call me Grifty McGrift! I wrote the book on flim-flammin'!"
-Abe

P---
Homer: "Oh, right, the fake marriage to Apu, how's that whole thing working out?"

J---
Edwardo: "You are now carrying my child."
Lisabella: "How?"
Edwardo: "That - is the mystery of the dance."
-From Tango De La Muerte

P---
Leader: "Do you need a mesiah?"
Cleetus: "No, but I'll take them sacks o' money."

P---
"Finally the Bible's pulling it's weight!"
-Homer

P---
"Pain in chest...left arm...numb! Can't go on...describing symptoms...much longer!
-Comic Book Guy

J---
"These quizzes are never wrong, Marge! They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business!"
-Homer

J---
Little Vicky: "Giving people an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, class?"
Tap Class: "Communism!"

J---
"Jesus, Mary and Glaven! These shoes are in the 'Off' position!"
-Prof. Frink

P---
"The only drug I'm on is LSD- LOVE for my SON and DAUGHTER!"
-Marge

P---
Todd: "Look, I'm the jealous jockey!"
Rodd: "I'm a torso!"

J---
"Oh, look honey! We've been invited to Otto's wedding. Ooooohh! On such delicate tissue! ... 'Zig Zag?'"
-Marge

J---
Lisa: "Look at the size of that croc!"
Marge: "Is he a man-eater?"
Guide: "Only convicts and homos."

P---
‘Come for the funerals, stay for the pie!’
-Springfield Cemetery sign

J---
Marge: "Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies!"
Waiter: "Aaaahhhh! I can only see a horrible rainbow!"

P---
Homer: "Stupid, sexy Flanders!"

P---
Lenny: "Please don't tell anyone how I live!"

P---
Homer: "In order to find Flanders, I've got to think like Flanders."
Homer's brain: "I'm a big stupid lame-o who wears the same dumb sweater every day and-"
Homer: "The river!"

J---
Moe: "I must be the ugliest person alive."
Homer: "Oh, Moe, there are lots of people uglier than you. Have you ever been to White Castle?"

P---
Krusty: "...and she's smart! I tried the old 'got your nose' bit on her; didn't fall for it!"
Homer: "My uncle still has my nose..."

J---
Homer: "Florida? But that's America's wang!"
Psychiatrist: "They prefer 'The sunshine state.'"

P---
Cletus: "All right, young-uns! Bath time! Who wants the hot wax?"

J---
Dr. Hibbert: "Young man, you've had what we call a 'cardiac episode.'"
Comic Book Guy: "Worst... episode... ever!"

J---
Titania: "You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!"
Duff Man: "Duff Man says a lot of things! Oooh yeah!"

P---
"Just remember, Mr. Burns - ve Chermans are not all sunshine und smiles!"
-German plant-owner

J---
"The Simpsons started off on a wing and a prayer. But the wing was on fire - and the prayer had been answered ... by Satan."
-Behind the Laughter Narrator

P---
"That's Homer Simpson, sir; he's one of your fork & spoon operators from Sector 7-G."
-Mr. Smithers

J---
"My wife is not a doobie ... to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on our wedding day - to bogart her forever!"
-Homer

P---
"We'll get that lemon tree back or choke their rivers with our dead!"
-Bart

J---
"You gotta help me! Death is after me... and I don't entirely trust these cowboys."
-Homer

P---
Mr. Burns: "Say, who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib!"
Smithers: "Prince Of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock."

P---
"What is it, boy? Is there something behind that wall we should beat up?"
-Shelbyville kid

J---
"Let me tell you what I tell everyone else who comes in here: The law is powerless to help you."
-Chief Wiggum

J---
BtL Narrator: "Next week on Behind the Laughter - Huckleberry Hound."
Huckleberry Hound: "I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone!"

J---
"Oh, that's it baby. All for Moe - yeah - work the slot. Drop the package."
-Moe (on videotape)

J---
"Come back! Those are prescription pants!"
-Comic Book Guy

P---
"If you cheapskate me into hell, I'll come back and haunt you good!"
-Abe Simpson

P---
"What the-I'm reporting a 413: waking an officer!"
-Chief Wiggum

J---
"If you are looking for trouble, you've found it."
-Stephen W. Hawking

J---
Lisa: "Pablo Neruda said that laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: "I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."

P---
Apu: "Hello, neighbor! May I squirt you with the hose in a playful fashion?"
Homer: "Um...squirt the boy."

J---
Bart: "This isn't real money - it's printed by the Montana Militia."
Homer: "It'll be real soon enough!"

P---
"Rakes-my old arch-enemy."
-Sideshow Bob

P---
"I warned ya - that colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"
-Groundskeeper Willy

J---
"Here you go! Here I am!
Your Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am!
This'll be a treat!
Here I am - your Uncle Moe!
Whatta y'eat?"
-Moe (at Uncle Moe’s Family Feed Bag)

J---
"I wanna set the record straight. I thought - the cop - was a prostitute!"
-Homer

J---
Barney: "Hello, my name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic."
Clerk: "Oh... You want A.A. This is Triple A."
Homer: "Hi, my name is Homer and I'm planning a trip to St. Louis."
Clerk: "East St. Louis?"
Homer: "Is there any other St. Louis?"

P---
Thelma: "...you'll get your license in 3-4 weeks."
Cleetus: "Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!"

J---
"A woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good - you'd step over your own mother just to get one!"
-Homer

J---
"Everybody's hugging!"
-Ralph Wiggum (in adult movie section)

P---
Bart: "Please? Please? Please? Please? Take it, Lis."
Lisa: "Please? Please? Please? Please?"

P---
"Can I borrow a feeling?
Can I borrow a cup of love?
Hurtin' hearts need some healin'!
Take my hand with your glove of love!"
-Mr. Van Houten

J---
"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, mash the keypad with your palm now."
-Phone Recording

J---
Homer: "We leave you alone with the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!"
Abe: "Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!"

P---
"You make it sound so sleazy, Marge! All she did was try on outfits for me in her trailer!"
- Homer

J---
Mr. Burns: "What's the name of this gastropod?"
Smithers: "Homer Simpson, sir. One of your seat-moisteners in sector 7-G."

P---
Mark Hamill: "Hey, pal, that's MY picture up there next to the pepper steak and don't you forget it!"
Mafia hood: "You're all talk, Hamill! You never even finished Jedi school!"

J---
"Book 'em, Lou. One count of bein' a bear. ... An' one count of accessory to bein' a bear."
-Chief Wiggum

P---
"Hey, if this stuff is too good for ya I got some crap!"
-Rodney Dangerfield (as Larry Burns)

J---
Homer: "Hey, Marge - look who I brought home!"
Marge: "Oh, Homer, are you rounding up immigrants?"

P---
Mr. Burns: "Hmm...a pack of wild dogs should be ripping you to pieces by now!
Homer: "...I don't know what to tell you."
Mr. Burns: "Well, come on in...I'll find something to scald you with."

J---
‘Bear patrol steps up bombing campaign’
-Headline

P---
"Now Marge, you're going to hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house..."
-Bart

P---
"I have been grossly misinformed about witches."
-Bart

J---
"Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back - in pog form!"
-Milhouse

J---
"Push out the jive... bring in the love."
-Mr. Burns

J---
Lisa: "Don't throw that away - it's Rodd's first tooth!"
Bart: "Right - we can use that for witchcraft."

P---
Homer: "I love you son: give me a hug!"
Bart: "Dad, the steering wheel!"
Lisa: "I got it..."

P---
"All right folks, nothing to see here, move along - Oh my God, a horrible plane crash! Hey everyone, come in and crowd around!"
-Chief Wiggum

P---
"Marge, you've got to take me back! We've only been apart one day and already I'm filthy as a Frenchman!"
-Homer

J---
"Put this in your fife and smoke it!"
-Homer

J---
"Jeebus, where are you? Homer to Jeebus... ohhhhh..."
-Homer

P---
"The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice...like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night...like Urkel!"
-Homer

J---
"Daddily-doodily!"
–Maggie

P---
Hank Scorpio: "Ever see a man say goodbye to his shoes?"
Homer: "Heh, heh - once!"

J---
"Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson."
-Carl

P---
"Homer, could you do me a favor and kill someone on your way out? You'd really be helping me out!"
-Hank Scorpio

P---
"Let's see, that's 3 Christmas's I saved versus 8 that I ruined..."
-Homer

J---
'Maude Flanders - She taught us the joy of shame and the shame of joy.'
-Memorial Plaque at Praiseland

P---
"'The Simpsons' were flying on a wing and a prayer. But the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered - by Satan."
-'Behind The Laughter'

J---
"What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play one more of her jazzy tunes... Sax-a-ma-phonnne! Sax-a-ma-phonnne!"
-Homer

J---
Chief Wiggum: "Where is Sideshow Bob?"
Convict: "He ran off."
Chief Wiggum: "Well, if anyone asks, I beat him to death, OK?"

P---
"Are you hiding men in here, Marge? Radioactive men?"
-Homer

J---
"They put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all day long."
-Bart

P---
"Honk if you demand satisfaction!"
-Dueling Gent's bumper sticker

J---
"This is everybody's fault but mine."
-Homer

P---
"I'll mace you good!"
-Homer

J---
"'Dr. Screw-Little' sounded like a delightful romp!"
-Homer

P---
"Heh heh! That's what you get if you don't 'Hail To The Chimp'!"
-Homer

J---
Bart: "What's that smell?"
Lisa: "It smells like Otto's jacket."

P---
"That was Edna Crabapple. You only get one chance at Edna Crabapple."
-Sideshow Bob

J---
"For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library."
-Homer

P---
"Now Bob - you know that cousin Merle 'ain't been quite right'".
-Cecil Terwilliger

J---
"Hi! I'm Troy McClure - you may remember me from such Fox TV specials as 'Alien Nose Job' and '5 Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show.'"
-Troy McClure

P---
"I'm framing you and doing a really excellent job!"
-Cecil Terwilliger

J---
"But Wait! I'm okay today! My mom gave me deoderant!"
-Milhouse

P---
Homer: "It's a boy! And what a boy!"
Doctor: "Mr. Simpson, that's the umbilical cord..."

P---
"Less yappin', more zappin'!"
-Homer

J---
"Oh, Marge, I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I really wanted was a club sandwich."
-Homer

J---
"I'd be glad to spearhead the begging initiative."
-Homer

P---
"What are the advantages of this motorcar over, say, a private train, which I can also afford?"
-Homer

P---
"We're going bowling, if not back avenge deaths..."
-Homer

P---
"I'll see you in hell, dinner plate!"
-Homer

P---
"Can you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file!"
-Homer

J---
"It makes no sense - I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool."
-Homer

P---
Milhouse: "Hey Nelson, he looks really hurt!"
Nelson: "I said 'Ha ha!'"

J---
"Coming up: The dream - was over. Or was it? ... Yes it was."
-'Behind the Laughter' Narrator

J---
"You don't scare me, cuz dyin' would be a stone groove!"
-Homer

P---
"Where is Bart? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten."
-Homer

P---
"Yep, it's a lazy, dog-danglin' afternoon..."
-Homer

P---
"Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?"
-Zombie Shakespeare

J---
"Hey kids! Nachos - Flanders style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese."
-Flanders

P---
"Ok, Milhouse; you're my sidekick, Nelson; you're the tough guy, and Rod; you're the quiet religious guy who eventually goes nuts."
-Bart

P---
Marge: "Are we going to let every drifter we meet stay in our basement?"
Homer: "Now Marge, we'll decide that on a drifter-to-drifter basis!"

P---
"I forgot about Maggie, the forgotten Simpson!
-Homer

J---
"Stop with the clapping! You'll kill us all!"
-Professor Frink

P---
"Only your father could take a part time job writing for a local shopper and wind up being the target of international assassins..."
-Marge

J---
Homer: "You must be mad."
Mr. Burns: "Well, I will be when the pain killer wears off... Until then... teeedeleedeee! teeedeleedeee!"

P---
Bart: "Ha ha! You're gonna be Lisa Flanders!"
Lisa: "Well, you're gonna be Bart Flanders."
Bart: "Yaahhh!"

P---
"Oh, I see - when it's one of my schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but with Cecil it's 'Oh it's hopeless, utterly hopeless'"!
-Sideshow Bob

J---
"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?"
-Mayor Quimby

P---
"Ya call this a soccer riot? C'mon boys, let's take 'em to school!"
-Groundskeeper Willy

J---
"Is there a word in Klingon for lonliness? Ah, yes: 'Garrrdock.'"
-Comic Book Guy

P---
"Don't blame me - I voted for Kodos!"
-Homer

J---
"Ah! Precious alcohol! Soaking into shag!"
-Barney

J---
"Snakes - nature's quitter."
-Homer

P---
"Late night swimming and alcohol: it's a winning combination!"
-Lenny

J---
Kent Brockman: "Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'"
Homer: "Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute."
Bart: "You com'ere a minute."
Homer: "Oh yeah?"

P---
"Man, those buffalo are easy to kill!"
-Homer

P---
"Now honey, there comes a time in every girl's life when her father blows up her room..."
-Homer

J---
"I reluctantly accept this highly paid, glamorous job."
-Homer

J---
"Wow, you're like a real-life Martha Stewart - I mean, without the evil."
-Becky (Otto's ex-fiancée)

P---
"Take a hike, boss! I'm in charge now!"
-Solid Gold Homer

J---
"You're probably thinking, 'Sure, more area codes are great - and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees!'"
-Phoney Mc Ring Ring

J---
"Come on! What happened to the angry, defiant Who of 'My Generation,' 'Won't Get Fooled Again,' and 'Momma's Got a Squeeze Box?'"
-Homer

P---
"Mother Nature should've thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts, floods, and poison monkeys!"
-Mr. Burns

P---
"Duffman is thrusting in the general direction of the problem!"
-Duffman

P---
Homer: "Way to guilt him, Marge!"
Marge: "It's what I do!"

J---
"Thanks, Mayor Simpson! Because of you, we're all taking golden showers!"
-Kent Brockman

J---
"Now, as for food - the following breeds of dog are edible..."
-Homer

P---
Bart: "How would I go about creating a half man, half monkey type creature?"
Teacher: "I'm sorry, that would be playing God."
Bart: "God-schmod, I want my monkey-man!"

P---
"Ach! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me!"
-Groundskeeper Willie

P---
"What do you need new bands for? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974 - it's a scientific fact!"
-Homer

J---
Mr. Burns: "Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!"
Smithers: "Ah, that crease is in your leg, sir."
Mr. Burns: "Ah ha! So it is ... yesss."

P---
"A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies!"
-Smart-ass sales guy (to Comic Book Guy)

J---
Homer: "Now these are the tunes I want you boys to play."
Roger Daltrey: "Wait a minute... Homer, a lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs!"

P---
"I can't believe I used to go out with you!"
-Ralph Wiggum (to Lisa)

J---
Lenny: "There's nothin' like revenge for gettin' back at people."
Carl: "I dunno - vengeance is pretty good."

P---
Marge: "You see kids, sometimes Moms and Dads get a little...well, accustomed to each other."
Homer: "Dads especially!"

J---
"Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten."
-Principal Skinner

J---
"Sports collectibles! Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat!"
-Bart

P---
Lenny: "Good evening, mam."
Carl: "Hope this evening finds you well."
Marge: "Oh knock it off, you two perverts!"

P---
"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes woman more attractive, and renders a person virtually invulnerable to criticsm!"
-Mayor Quimby

J---
"Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad."
-Ralph Wiggum

P---
Teacher: "Ralph, remember when you said Snagglepuss was outside?"
Ralph Wiggum: "He was going to the bathroom!"

P---
"Bury me...at...Makeout Creek!"
-Milhouse

J---
Lisa (as Becky): "Why Huckeberry Finn, you get down from there - a body could break his neck!"
Nelson (as Huck): "I ain't a'feared a'that. I just get a new neck - off'n a cat."

J---
Neslon (as Huck): "I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left?"
Bart (as Tom): "Hmmm - looks like we're out of corn pone, fat back, hard tack, fat pone, corn tack-"
Nelson: "Any tack back?"
Bart: "Tack back!?"
Nelson: "I mean back tack."
Bart: "Plum out."

P---
Homer's inner child: "Food goes in here!"
Homer: "It sure does..."

P---
"Kids, you tried your best-and you failed miserably! The lesson is: never try..."
-Homer

J---
"My first dollar - thanks to you, Lisa... and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond!"
-Mr. Burns

J---
"Aye - that meteor is headed straight for us! With the fire and the impact and the hundred percent chance of PAIN! PAIN in the GLAVEN!"
-Professor Frink

J---
Homer (as Paul Bunyan): "We been together a long time now... When are we gonna... you know-"
Marge: "Soon- I just need a few more yoga classes."		 P---
"My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!"
-Abe Simpson

P---
Kang (as Bob Dole): "Abortions for all!"
(Booing)
Kang: "Very well - abortions for none!"
(More booing)
Kang: "Hmm...abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!"
(Cheers)

J---
"Sorry, we're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood!"
-Abe

P---
"Ah wash mah self wit' a rag on a stick!"
-Fat Bart

P---
Belle (Burlesque house madam): "...are you wearing a garbage bag?"
Homer: "I have misplaced my pants."

J---
"Now don't worry, I'm not a stabbin' hobo, I'm a singin' hobo! <sings> Nothin' beats the hobo life - stabbin' folks with my hobo knife..."
-Hobo

P---
"When I can't stop fiddlin',
I just takes me Ritalin!
I'm poppin' and sailin', man!"
-Bart

J---
"Crack that whip! ... Licorice Whip!"
-Smithers

P---
Daycare Lady: "Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for her bottle?"
Marge: "....Baba?"
Daycare Lady: "She's saying 'I am a leech'".

J---
Lisa: "I think I'm going to be sick."
Mr. Burns: "A spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya!"

P---
Bart: "Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?"
Marge: "Um, I don't think so."
Homer: "Bart, don't ask stupid questions... Is there any frontal nudity?"

J---
Lisa: "What's going on?"
Mr. Burns: "I call it the 'Burns Omni-Net' ... it sweeps the seas clean."
Lisa: "Oh, dear God."

J---
Japanese Tourist: "Mistah Spa-kuh! Mistah Spa-kuh!"
Homer: "Konnichiwa."

P---
"You heard me, I wont be in for the rest of the week...I told you! My baby beat me up!"
-Homer

P---
Apu: "I must go to the head office and appeal my case!"
Homer: "I'm coming with you! I got you fired, it's the least I can do...well, the least I could do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one better and come along!"

J---
Homer: "'Yvan eht nioj' - you gotta love that crazy chorus."
Lisa: "What does it mean?"
Homer: "Nothing. It's like 'ramma-lamma-ding-dong' or 'give peace a chance.'"

P---
"We salute you, our half inflated Dark Lord!"
-Spinal Tap

P---
"Marge, its not the money-my job is my identity! If I'm not a safety whats-a-ma-jigger, I'm nothing!"
-Homer

P---
"My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... Malk?"
-Bart

P---
Marge: "An A-plus! How did you do it?"
Homer: "Oh, lets just say I had some help from a little magic box!"
Marge: "You changed your grade with a computer?"
Homer: "D'oh!"

J---
"Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool!? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!"
-Comic Book Guy

J---
Homer: "Computer, kill Flanders!"
Ned: "Did I hear my name? My ears are burnin'!"
Homer: "Good start - now finish the job!"

J---
"Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!"
-Rev. Lovejoy

J---
Frank Grimes: "I don't think we're being paid to sleep."
Homer: "Oh, yeah - they always try to screw ya!"

P---
"Now why do they call this a 'urine monkey'? I-oooh, just found out!"
-Krusty

P---
Burns: "Aaah! There's something on my leg, get it off, get it off!"
Marge: "Mr. Burns, its just a baby!"

J---
"Every day I thought about firing Marge - you know, to shake things up."
-Homer

P---
"It's recess everywhere but in his heart..."
-Ralph Wigggum

P---
Haunted House: "Get...out!"
Marge: "What on Earth was that?"
Homer: "Probably just the house settling!"

J---
"Aw, isn't that cute? Makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke!"
-Moe

P---
Professor Frink: "Here is an ordinary square..."
Chief Wiggum: "Whoa-whoa! Slow down, egghead!"

J---
"I haven't had buffalo in *six hours.* Marge, how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros, and some fresh squeezed buffal-o.j.?"
-Homer Buffal-kill

P---
"I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart kids! (He falls) I bent my Wookie!"
-Ralph Wiggum

J---
Homer: "The Simpsons are goin' to Delaware!"
Lisa: "I wanna see Wilmington!"
Bart: "I wanna visit a screen door factory!"
Marge: "Yup - Delaware has it all!"

J---
Homer: "I'm sterile - right, baby doll?"
Marge: "Yes, Homie - from the power plant."
Homer: "Beautiful."

P---
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer..."
-Homer

P---
"My story begins in nineteen-dickitty-two! We had to say 'dickitty' because the Kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty'!"
-Abe Simpson

J---
Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins."
Homer: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

P---
Homer: "Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!"
Homer's Brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!"
Homer: "Explain how!"
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services!"
Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

J---
"Without TV, its hard to tell when one day ends and another begins."
-Homer

P---
Marge: "Well, what are we going to see?"
Bart: "Ernest Cuts The Cheese!"
Lisa: "Honey, I Hit A School Bus!"
Homer: "Look Who's Oinking, Look Who's Oinking!"

J---
Agnes Skinner: "Sunsets! Thank God there's only one of these a day!"
Comic Book Guy: "Could it be any more orange?"

P---
"Hey there, Blimpy Boy! Flying thru the sky so fancy free!"
-Homer

J---
"God have mercy on your gas sniffin' orphan beatin' soul."
-Storybook Village Owner

J---
Marge: "So you wanna go on tour with a travelling freak show."
Homer: "Marge, I have no choice!"

P---
Marge: "Homer, just because you got an offer to go on the road with a freak show doesn't mean you have to go!"
Homer: "You know Marge, in some ways you and I are very different!"

P---
Mr. Burns: "Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry butt goodbye."
Smithers: "May I, sir?"

J---
"For an evening or a week, there's nothing like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all."
-Homer

P---
"You told me, when something's bothering you, and you're too stupid to know what to do, just keep your damn mouth shut. That way you won't make things worse."
-Bart

P---
Bart: "You throw like my sister, man!"
Lisa: "Yeah, you throw like me!"

J---
Barney: "You brave man - you took six silver bullets for me."
Homer: "You get away from my wife!"

P---
Donut Vendor: "Hey, what gives, these donuts are piling up!"
Lenny: "Huh? Oh yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet..."
Donut Vendor: "Oh my God! And I just bought a boat!"

P---
"Oh, there's only one can of beer left and it's Barts!"
-Homer

J---
"Call me mint jelly - 'cuz I'm on the lamb!"
-Abe

P---
"Will I pass my English test?...'Outlook not so good'. Wow, it does work!"
-Bart

J---
"Don't worry - being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender."
-Homer

P---
Homer: "Hey, when I was your age, 50 cents was a lot of money!"
Bart: "Really?"
Homer: "Naahhh."

J---
Marge: "Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?"
Homer: "I could ask you the same question."
Marge: "Should I just back out of the room now?"
Homer: "Would you?"

P---
Carl: "I wish Mr. X were here!"
Homer: "Oh, I don't know Carl, he might be closer than you think!"
Carl: "Are you him? Are you Mr. X? "
Homer: "No! "
Carl: "Yeah, but you talked in that real sly voice. Hey, everybody! Homer is Mr. X! "
Homer: "I am not!...or am I?"
Lenny: "Are you? "
Homer: "No! "

P---
Dr Hibbard: "That means the evil twin is - and always has been - Bart!"
Bart: "...oh, don't act so surprised."

P---
Homer: "Goodbye son!"
Milhouse: "Hey, Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away!"
Bart: "Maybe it's for the best..."

J---
"Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo."
-Moe

P---
Waiter: "Hello, I'm Marco, and I'll be your waiter."
Homer: "Hello, I'm Homer and I'll be your customer!"
Waiter: "Hmm..haven't heard that one before..."

J---
"I always wondered if there was a God. Now I know. There is, and it's me."
-Homer

P---
Lisa: "Dad, why are you singing?"
Homer's Brain: "Tell a lie, tell a lie!"
Homer: "Mmm.. because I have a small role in a Broadway musical! It's not much but it's a start."
Homer's Brain: "Bra-vo." <clap...clap...clap>

P---
"This is some way to show your gratitude-no gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait a minute, there was a card.... that's what got me so mad in the first place!"
-Homer

J---
"I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!"
-Bart

P---
Homer: "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great! In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic! YOU STINK!... could you read that last part back to me?"
Bart: "You stink!"
Homer: "Hee hee hee, good!"

P---
"Well Marge, the other day Milhouse told me my meatloaf sucks! He must have gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly don't say that word on TV..."
-Luanne Van Houten

J---
Homer: "Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?"
Apu: "Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it."
Homer: "Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."

P---
Delivery Guy: "Where do you want these beef hearts?"
Lunchlady Doris: "On the floor."
Delivery Guy: "It doesn't look very clean."
Lunchlady Doris: "Just do your job, heart-boy."

J---
"My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
-Abe

P---
Smithers: "What's wrong sir, did I get some in your eye? The shampoo specifically said No more tears!"
Burns: "Ah, lovely promise, but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo..."

J---
Bart: "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
Homer: "Nope."

P---
Lisa: "Yeah, just keep laughing, it only makes him madder! Come on Bart, start em off with the touch of death, and go from there!"
Bart: "...I think they've learned their lesson already."

J---
"Wait a minute - this sounds like rock and/or roll!"
-Rev. Lovejoy

P---
Homer: "I got you a gig on TV!"
Lurleen: "Oh Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!"
Homer: "Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment."

J---
"The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you negligent monster."
-Phone Recording

J---
Nelson: "They called me 'Smellson' - ha ha!"
Homer: "Smellson! It's funny 'cuz you smell."

P---
"Oral themometer my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, this thing is mighty cold!"
-Abe

P---
Jack: "Well, if you really gotta know.... I shot a guy named Apu."
Marge: "Oh. Well you know, lots of people shoot Apu-it's just a hundred dollar fine now!"

J---
"It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!"
-Mr. Rogers

P---
"Springfield will have it's first annual 'Do What You Feel' festival this Saturday-whenever you feel like showing up! It will be a welcome change to our 'Do As We Say' festival, started by German settlers in 1946."
-Kent Brockman

P---
Homer: "Hey, hurry up with the cards Lenny. I've got you clocked at 2 miles per hour!"
Lenny: "Hey put that away.. those radar guns give you cancer!"
Homer: "All the more reason to hurry!"

J---
"Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!"
-Agnes Skinner

P---
Homer: "Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate! And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all."
Apu: "Well, perhaps it is time. I have noticed that this country is dangerously underpopulated."

P---
Homer: "Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge-no different than me or Lenny."
Marge: "Were you or Lenny ever named Sexiest Man Alive?"
Homer: "Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny ..."

J---
"Hey, look! It's Mel Gibson! Everybody rush over there!"
-Chief Wiggum

P---
Homer: "Before "Lethal Weapon 2", I didn't know there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time."
Marge: "It's true, he does."

P---
Apu: "Clean-up in Aisle 3!"
Gil: "Aw, finally-Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy! Ow! My back!"

J---
Barney: "Hello, my name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic."
Lisa: "Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!"
Barney: "Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?"

P---
Marge: "I knew you had your hands full with the babies, so I baked you some banana bread."
Apu: "Oh hallelujah, our problems are solved! We have banana bread!"

J---
"But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit! Moe, with a lolly! It's so out of character! Ain't that worth nothin'?"
-Moe

P---
Marge: "Maybe you two should get a nanny."
Apu: "Yes, and what would I pay her with? Banana bread? Sorry, sorry, it's just that we haven't slept in days, and we're running out of money and ... banana bread? What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread. Apologize, apologize again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby."
Homer: "No, Marge, no!"

J---
Lisa: "Oooooh - they have Lincoln's hat!"
Homer: "Thank God for grave robbers."

P---
Homer: "Man, the last nine months sure were crazy."
Bart: "I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day."
Marge: "I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge."
Lisa: "I became the most popular girl in school, but blew it by being conceited."
Bart: "And then I learned the true meaning of winter."

P---
Tall Guy: "This is the biggest car I could afford. Even the very tall need transportation. Should I therefore be laughed at?"
Nelson: "I guess so..."

J---
"Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children? Or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence."
-Troy McClure

J---
Homer: "Why won't anything grow?"
Marge: "Maybe you need more fertilizer."
Homer: "I'm only one man, Marge."

P---
Shelbyville Kid: "Wait a minute, If you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?"
Bart: "I don't go to school."
Shelbyville Kid: "Okay, what's two plus two?"
Bart: "Five..."
Shelbyville Kid: "Hmm, his story checks out..."

P---
"Marge, we had a deal! Your sisters don't come hear after six and I stop eating your lipstick!"
-Homer

J---
Marge: "All right, Homey, you're overstimulated. As soon as we get you home, we'll get some beer into you, and then it's straight to bed."
Homer: "Woohoo! Beer! Beer! Beer! Bed! Bed! Bed!"

P---
Ballet Teacher: "You love ballet, yes, you feel the boys will laugh at you, no?"
Bart: "No, I feel the girls will laugh at me. I feel the boys will beat the living snot outta me."

P---
"Wait a minute.. was that cat making out with that mouse? (punches fist) Cuz if they were..."
-Homer

J---
"Lord help me, I'm just not that bright."
-Homer

P---
Homer: "I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move onto the real issue, Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup!"
Lisa: "Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles! There, I said it!"

J---
Lisa: "It could be a mutant from the power plant."
Mr. Burns: "That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers... Oops, I've said too much."

P---
Bart: "Wanna rehearse, dad?"
Homer: "I don't need to rehearse! Ho ho ho, Merry... line!"
Bart: "Christmas.."
Homer: "Huh? Lemme see that!"

P---
Bart: "We both had nightmares!"
Lisa: "Can we sleep with you?"
Homer: "Are you both toilet trained?"
Lisa: "Yes!"
Homer: "Oh, okay then..."

J---
"I look like cable TV!"
-Ralph Wiggum, covered head to toe in stage blood

P---
Homer: "Hey Flanders! You smell like manure!"
Ned Flanders: "Uh oh... better cancel that dinner party tonight! Thanks for the nose news, neighbour!"

P---
Homer: "Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things I'm gonna.. you know - go fruity..."

J---
"They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day."
-Chief Wiggum

J---
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."
-Bart

P---
"Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of yours truly! I hung it on me wall! You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes we do have Hamburgers and Fries in England, but we call French Fries "chips"! Love, Ringo. PS. Forgive the lateness of my reply."
-Ringo Starr

P---
Marge: "Homer! Stop picking at it!"
Donut-head Homer: "Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty!"

J---
Marge: "Homer! No! You'll kill us all!"
Homer: "Or die trying!"

P---
"I used to be an raging alcoholic, but thanks to this unique system now I'm down to 1 can of fortified wine a day!"
-Troy McClure

J---
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
-Homer

J---
"Hey - we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we *left*. How very odd."
-Homer

P---
"We'll live like kings, I tell you! Damn-hell-ass kings!"
-Bart

J---
Bart: "We want the truth!"
Sideshow Bob: "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!"

P---
Dr. Nick: "Hi everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble!"
Abe: "I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!"
Dr. Nick: "Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!"

J---
"Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want."
-Dr. Nick

J---
"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!"
-Homer

P---
Teacher: "...the ventriliquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't."
Bart: "What about a robot with a human brain?"
Teacher: "I don't know! All these questions! Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?"

J---
"Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
-Rev. Lovejoy

P---
Ned: "Well... sometimes god bless her, she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers!"
Homer: "Pfft! Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house!"

P---
"What if...I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho ho ho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour!"
-Principal Skinner

J---
"The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh-oh."
-Dr. Nick

P---
Dean: "Hello.."
Homer: "Hello, Dean! You're a stupid head!"
Dean: "Homer is that you?"

J---
"Daddy, this place smells like tinkle!"
-Dr. Hibbert's Daughter

P---
"D'oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big!"
-Homer

P---
Homer: "Lisa you like Homework, could you fill out this form for me?"
Lisa: "Well, alright...If you listen to the poem I just wrote."
Homer: "D'oh! Okay."
Lisa: "I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died, Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why oh why is my cat dead, couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?... I had a hampster named Snuffy, he die..."
Homer: "No deal!"

J---
"Excuse me - Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan."
-Lisa

P---
Homer: "Yeah, sure, for you a baby's all fun and games, for me it's diaper changes and midnight feeding!"
Lisa: 'Doesn't Mom do all that stuff?"
Homer: "Yeah, but I have to hear about it!"

P---
Brad Goodman: "Troy, this circle is you."
Troy McClure: "My god! It's like you've known me all your life!"

J---
Homer: "What's that awful sound?"
Marge: "The furnace?"
Lisa: "Its me!"
Homer & Marge: "Aaawwwwwwww."

P---
Marge: "I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us!"
Homer: "Sorry Marge, some wise guy stuck a cork in the bottle!"

J---
"Duff Man! Can't breathe! Oh no! Oooh!"
-Duff Man

P---
"Oh I love your magazine, my favorite section is 'How To Increase Your Word Power'. That thing is really...really...good."
-Homer

P---
Prison Guard: "Hey, lights out."
Sideshow Bob: "Oh honestly! At Chino they get to stay up till '9!"
Prison Guard: "Now Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino and that's just not true."

P---
"...I thought I had an appetite for destruction,
but all I really wanted was a club sandwich."
-Homer Simpson

J---
"You shot who in the what now?"
-Jasper

J---
"Mmmmmm... pointy."
-Homer

P---
Smithers: "Sir, I fear there is something you're not telling me. Perhaps you would feel more happy talking to...Snappy the Alligator?"
Burns: "Maybe..."

J---
Insurance Agent: "Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place
'Moe's' you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?"
Homer's Brain: "Don't tell him you were at a bar! But what else is open at night?"
Homer: "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
Homer's Brain: "Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that."

P---
"Well Mr. Burns had done it,
The power plant had won it,
with Roger Clemmens clucking all the while.
Mike Sosha's tragic illness made us smile,
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile!"
-'Talking Softball' song

P---
Lady: "Some large men to see you, sir."
Skinner: "Uh, I don't have an appointment with any large men..."
Fat Tony: "Are you Skinner?"
Skinner: "I'm Principal Skinner, yes! And how may I ask did you get past the hall monitors?"

P---
Homer: "How was jerk practise boy? Did they teach you how to plant trees, and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh?"
(Homer's chair falls apart)
Homer: "D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!"

J---
"Mmmmmm... Free goo."
-Homer

J---
Bart: "Wanna eat my fat?"
Homer: "I think you know the answer to that!" *gulp*

P---
"Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"
-Milhouse

J---
"I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do."
-Willie

P---
"Quick-to the Simpsonmobile!"
-Homer

P---
Bart: "I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this stupid town, I'm gonna find my dog!"
Homer: "And I'll be right here watching TV!"

J---
"Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage."
-Carl

P---
Homer: "Boy, I know you're gonna like your present!"
Noise box: "Shuddup, shuddup, kiss my butt, shuddup, go to hell, go to hell!"
Bart: "Dad, I promise I'll never get tired of this."

J---
'I am not the acting President'
-Bart on the chalkboard

J---
"Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?"
-Kang

P---
"Today is not Mothra's Day."
-Bart on the chalkboard

P---
"I will not be a snickerpuss."
-Lisa at the blackboard

J---
Lionel Hutz: "I move for a bad court thingy."
Judge: "You mean a mistrial?"
Lionel Hutz: "That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking... guy."

P---
"I'm Rupert Murdoch - the billionaire tyrant!"
-Rupert Murdoch

J---
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
-Homer

P---
Homer: "...and Lisa, my little princess... And who could forget dear Ratboy!"
Bart: "Ratboy!? I resent that!" <gnaws on wall>

J---
"Homer no function beer well without."
-Homer

P---
"Me lose brain? Uh-oh!"
-Homer

J---
Apu: "Hey, Homer, how's it hangin'?"
Homer: "Low n' lazy..."

P---
Principal Valiant: "Here's the admission, plus something for you. See that they get a little extra education, would you?"
Ticket Lady: "Yes sir, Principal Valiant!"
Skinner: "He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the "Princey" awards."

J---
"When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!"
-Homer

P---
"Enclosed is a photo of us on a bike. I forget which one I am."
-Selma

J---
"You yutz, guns aren't toys - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face!"
-Krusty

P---
Carnival Pitchman: "Folks, how often have you opened the morning paper only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye?"
Marge: "Never. But it's my number one concern!"

J---
"Your linen service has broken many promises to us. Laundry bills soar like eagle!"
-Indian Casino Manager

P---
Marge: "This is terrible! How will the kids get home?"
Homer: "I dunno. The internet?"

J---
"Stop chasing Ganesh! You're only going to get more wrath!"
-Homer

J---
"I have a doctorate in computer science; um - I run my own business, of course; I do like to cook; I'm not much of a talker but I love to listen, and in my leisure time I like to build furniture and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room."
-Apu

P---
Homer: "Ooh! Look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, in a gumdrop house on lollypop lane!....oh, by the way I was being sarcastic."
Marge: "Well, duh!"

J---
Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: "Surely, you children are aware of your Brahmin heritage."
Bart: "As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions - yes. Yes we are."
Lisa: "Fully."

P---
"Come to the Freaky-Mart! Come one, come all, see the amazing frozen man! Also, gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos! Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!"
-Apu

P---
Homer: "We pay 8 dollars for the night and you can take 2 popsicles outta the freezer."
Lionel Hutz: "Three.."
Homer: "Two.."
Lionel Hutz: "Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage!"
Homer: "Done!"

J---
Homer: "You know what you could do, Apu-"
Apu: "Yeah, shut up."
Homer: "You could fake your own death-"
Apu: "Oh, would you shut up?"
Homer: "All you need is a car bomb and-"
Apu: "I can't believe you don't shut up!"

P---
Bart: "Rod, Todd, this is God!"
Rod: "How did you get on the radio?"
Bart: "What do you mean how did I get on the radio? I created the universe, you stupid kid!"
Todd: "Forgive my brother, we believe you!"
Bart: "Walk through the wall, I will remove it for you!"
Rodd & Todd: "O.K. (Hitting wall) Oww!!!"
Bart: Ha ha!

J---
Marge: "I wonder who lives in that house."
Homer: "Way out in the sticks like this, it could only be hillbillies."
Bart: "So I suppose that's a hillbilly jacuzzi."
Homer: "Yep, that's where they cook up their vittles."

J---
'Soylent Green / Now with more girls!'
-Product Box

P---
Homer: "So Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes.. uuh, here's a good one. Pull my finger!"
Hugh: "Haha, yes we have that one in England too, Mr. Simpson."
Homer: (Threateningly) "I said pull my finger!"

P---
Homer: "Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end? Uh huh. That's some language you got there. And you talk like that 24/7, huh?"

P---
Homer's Inner Child: "Food goes in here!"
Homer: "It sure does..."

J---
Homer: "Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?"
Moe: "Booze, booze, and more booze."

P---
Milhouse: "Bart! Nelson hit me!"
Bart: "He sure did."

P---
"Ah, please you gotta help ol' Gil, whats it gonna take to keep you on the phone, I...dance for you? B-but you wouldn't even see it, y..a-alright, ha ha, I'm dancing! (starts singing & tap dancing)"
-Gil

P---
"This town is a part of us all... a part of us all... a part of us all! Sorry to repeat myself, but It'll help you remember!"
-Marge

J---
Apu: "Is it just me or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?"
Homer: "It's you."

P---
"Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend a class 9 or Robin Williams level of hair coverage."
-Kent Brockman

J---
"A gun is not a weapon, Marge - it's a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon or a... a... an alligator."
-Homer

P---
Young Homer: "You wouldn't understand dad, you're not "with it"."
Young Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was, now what I'm with isn't it. And whats "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to YOU some day!"

J---
Hooker: "Lookin' for a good time, sailor?"
Bart: "I certainly am."
Marge: "No you're not! He's really not."

P---
"...now when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I'm saying 'yeeess' to every beat. 'Yes yes yes, this rocks!' And then sometimes I switch it up like, 'No, no, no! Don't stop-a-rockin'!
-Homer

P---
Homer: "What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor?"
Dr. Nick: "Well, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts! Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!"
Bart: "You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!"
Dr. Nick: "Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?"

P---
Lisa: "Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag?"
Drederick Tatum: "No, not at all, swab away. Woah woa.. nobody mentioned a beaker!"
Lisa: "Please! It's for science!"
Drederick Tatum: "Oh, for science? In that case, proceed."

P---
Homer: "Ooh! Snappy answers to stupid questions! I'm great at these. Ask me if something smells funny in here, boy!"
Bart: "Does something smell funny in here?"
Homer: "I don't think so, STUPID! Ahahahaha!"

J---
"We all know that fire is good, whether for toasting s'mores or raining on Charlie."
-Principal Skinner

P---
"Lisa, run! Nelson Muntz is in our house!"
-Bart

P---
Homer: "Hmm... somebody's traveling light!"
Lisa: "Eh, maybe you're getting stronger."
Homer: "Well, I have been eating more!"

J---
Bart: "And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?"
Navajo Kid: "Because he took his eyes off the prize?"
Bart: "That's right - you stay on the ball, you stay on the wall."

J---
Mr. Burns: "Smithers! We're at war!"
Smithers: "I'll begin profiteering, sir."

P---
Krusty: "That's show business, kid! One minute you're on top of the world, next thing you know you're some schlub in a box factory!"
Box Factory Owner: "I heard that."

J---
"The bugs are... firmly in charge."
-Park Ranger

P---
Bart: "Well if your soul's real, where is it?"
Milhouse: "It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying God bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!"
Bart: "What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean."
Milhouse: "Oh, it can swim, it's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and have to drive to the cemetery."

J---
Bart: "You put an ad in my vision?"
Indian Casino Manager: "Yeah - Crazy Talk came up with that. He got idea from Dances With Focus Groups."

P---
"Good old Evergreen Terrace... the swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates."
-Homer

J---
"That doesn't sound like me - could it be the drugs kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right."
-Bart

P---
"I hate every ape I see, from chimp-an-a to chimp-an-zee!"
-Troy McClure

P---
"Oh please Mrs. Krabappel, not next to Wendell! He pukes on every bus ride- no offense, Wendell."
-Bart

J---
Bart: "I don't want to take drugs."
Homer: "Sure you do - all your favorite stars use drugs!"

P---
Lisa: "If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room."
Homer: "What kind of catch phrase is that?"

P---
Homer: (Singing) "Bart and Lisa have to go to school, while I get to stay home, na na na naaa na!"
Lisa: "I like school."
Homer: "Well why don't you live there, then?"
Lisa: (bitterly) "I would if I could..."

P---
Abe: (in flashback) "Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a stranger offers you a ride, I say take it!"
Homer: "Lousy traumatic childhood!"

J---
"All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts."
-Apu

P---
Homer: "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura."
Moe: "Ura Snotball?"
Homer: "What! How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"

P---
Lenny: "The doctor says I can take my eye patch off for 5 seconds!"
Carl: "Hey, that's just long enough to see Santa Claus in the parade!"

J---
"You're so much more fun than Smithers... He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'gay'."
-Mr. Burns

P---
Homer: "Is this the executive office of the ball club?"
Guy: "Nope, this is the equipment shed."
Homer: "Is that it?"
Guy: "That's where we keep the water heater."
Homer: "...Is-
Guy: "That's a tractor."
Homer: "...I see."

J---
"You know, business things - downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling."
-Homer

P---
"You couldn't go five minutes without eating! You're eating a sausage right now as we speak!"
-Marge

J---
"You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend."
-Mr. Burns (to candy machine)

J---
"What's new pussycat - ow! ow! owwwwww! What's new pussycat - oh, God, nooooo!"
-Abe

P---
Cecil: "Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed jokels!"
Cletus: "Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the ce-ment mixer, sir!"

J---
"Don't touch me - your hands feel like salad tongs."
-Homer

P---
"When he turns away from you in disgust, THAT'S when you kick some back!"
-Homer

J---
Lisa: "Oedipus killed his father and married his mother."
Homer: "Ugh! Who pays for that wedding?"

P---
Abe: "Oh son! Thank goodness! I've been lost for days and-"
Homer: "No time for you, old man!"

P---
"I can't buy that. Only management guys with big salaries like me can afford that...gasp! Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!"
-Homer

J---
"You know, there's a lesson here for all of us: It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff."
-Homer

P---
"If 'if's' and 'but's' were candy and nuts- er, how does that go again?"
-Homer

J---
Barney: "Is it okay to come out now, mister gay man?
Moe: "We'll do anything you say... anything."

P---
Homer: "'Scuse me, do you sell ponys?"
Pet Salesman: "Uuh..sure pal, right here!"
Homer: "Deer hound...hey, this is a dog!"

J---
Bart: "Dad, are you hurt?"
Homer: "Yes. My bones... And organs."

P---
Milhouse: "I checked around.. the girls are calling you Fatty Fat Fat, and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants. Buuut.. nobody's trying to kill you!"
Bart: "Aaah... that's good."
Nelson: *pulls down pants*
Group Of Girls: "Fatty fat fat, fatty fatty fat!"

J---
Barney: "Aw, we should'a just stayed at the bar and shot some rats."
Moe: "Hey - those aren't your rats."

P---
Homer: "Now we only got one more wish-let's not waste it!"
Lisa: (grabs monkey's paw) "I wish for world peace!"
Homer: "Lisa, that was very selfish of you!"

J---
"Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow - what's wrong?"
-Marge

P---
Otto: "Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're gonna die, aren't we!?"

J---
"C'mon, Marge - all sports have their loveable clowns: John Rocker, OJ Simpson, Dorf!"
-Homer

P---
"Well, come on in. I'll find something to scald you with..."
-Mr. Burns

P---
Lisa: "Hey Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have an extra finger!"
Bart: "Five fingers...ooh, freak show!"

J---
Skinner: "Goodness! Brought down by one beer!"
Moe (holding giant pill): "And a couple of these babies... Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance."

J---
Abe: "I can't believe we went throug all that just to end up with a tennis court."
Homer: "Bet you didn't see that coming."

P---
Marge: "Why Lisa, you could work here as a doorbell salesman!"
Gil: "Just what I need, another shark in the tank!"

J---
"Who put the beans in my bindle?"
-Hobo

J---
"I don't want to have anything to do with this Wagon Train of Death."
-Lisa as Connie Appleseed

P---
"Way to breathe, no-breath!"
-Jimbo

J---
"Mmmmmm... sixty-four slices of American cheese"
-Homer

J---
"Heh heh - that's game, set and match to us... but the real winners here are Marge's hors d'ouerves."
-Kent Brockman

P---
"Come back! Those are prescription pants!"
-Comic Book Guy

J---
"Who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy!"
-Hobo