Taoist - Shit happens.

Buddhist - Shit happening is an illusion.

Hindu - This shit has happened before.

Mormon - This shit will happen again.

Moonies - Only happy shit really happens.

Moslem - It is the will of Allah that Shit happens.

Confucian - Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Hare Krishna - Shit happens shit happens shit shit happens happens.

Pagan - Shit is part of the Goddess.

Scientology - Feces occurs.

Stoic - So shit happens; I can take it.

Calvinist - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Christian Scientist - If shit happens, pray and it will go away. (Shit is in your mind.)

Catholic - If shit happens, you deserve it.

Jew - Why does this shit always happen to us?

Protestant - Let shit happen to someone else.

Atheist - Shit happens for no reason.

Hedonist - There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Agnostic - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Farts happen.

Rastafarian - Let's smoke this shit (and see what happens).

Jehovah's Witnesses - Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.

Seventh Day Adventist - No shit on Saturdays. (Or, 'Same shit, different day.')

Quaker - Shitting in silence is happening.

Baptist - Once you're saved, shit doesn't happen unless you backslide.

Cartesian - It shits, therefore it is happening.

Existentialist - Shit is, therefore it happens.

Marxist - We make shit, and it looks just like us.

Wicca - Shit happens if you will it to happen.