Socialism

You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.

 

Communism

You have two cows. Give them both to the Government. Government gives you milk.

 

American Democracy

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 

Fascism

You have two cows. Give milk to Government. Government sells milk.

 

Nazism

Government shoots you and takes cows.

 

New Dealism

Government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours milk down the drain.

 

American Bureaucracy

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

Capitalism

Slaughter cow. Compete with McDonalds.

American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

Anarchism

Keep cows. Shoot government. Steal another cow.

 

Conservatism

Freeze milk. Nuke cows.

 

Liberalism

Give milk back to cows. Let them escape.

 

New Ageism

Milk cows, but only according to astrology charts. Take their bells off. Give them crystals instead.

 

Feudalism

Let two cows live in field. Take milk. Allow to ride in big truck with lots of other cows.

 

Survivalism

Camouflage cows. Arm them to the teeth. Exercise extreme caution crossing pastures.

 

Cannibalism

Pave over all the grass. Cows eat cows, people eat people; fair is fair.

 

Democrat (American)

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 

Republican (American)

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

 

Socialist

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

Communist

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

 

American Corporation

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

 

French Corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

 

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

 

German Corporation

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

 

Italian Corporation

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

 

Russian Corporation

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

Taliban Corporation

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

 

Iraqi Corporation

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

 

Florida (USA) Corporation

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

 

Californian

You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

 

Catholicism

You are the mother of two cows. You tell one to go ahead and eat the last few bites of feed. You'll scrounge through the dirt for a couple of crumbs. That's all a mother needs. You tell the other that the first will rot in Hell.

 

Hinduism

Worship cows. Screw the government. What did it ever do for me anyhow?

 

Judaism

You are the mother of two cows. You give them your share of the grain. You make it clear to them that you are starving but wouldn't have it any other way. You repeat, "I'm dying! I'm dying!" in a very loud mooing voice so that all the other cows can hear. Later, your children become comedian cows.

 

Unitarianism

You are the mother of two cows. One decides to become a pig. The other a turnip. You say nothing and leave for the summerhouse.

 

Baptism

You are the mother of two cows. You catch them dancing and shoot them both.

 

Presbyterianism

You are the mother of two cows. You send them off to boarding school and never see them again.

 

Barbarism

Throwing a barbeque? First, borrow a cow from your neighbour...

 

Moo-moo,
Rattle-rattle,
That's the sound
Of wind-up cattle.

Deja-Moo:

The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

 

Surrealism

Cowhenge.