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2007 July 16th Monday 16:20PDT
meditating
Nurse Alyson telephoned to ask me to repeat my viral-load test at the outpatient-laboratory, indicating that i should have the blood drawn again in a couple weeks. This was because my HIV level (RNA in blood plasma) reached a "detectable blip" for the second time in a year. My T-cell level (CD4 count) continued to be around one hundred, where it had remained sadly for about a decade despite our efforts to medicate correctly [sigh]. A three-digit viral-load is no reason to panic, i reminded myself, because i'd previously shown an ability to survive a high five-digit load, and because i had better medicines nowadays.
But in order for me to successfully eschew anxiety and distress i always need to spend a lot of time 'meditating' and engaging in certain mental and physical diversions. As i spend hours and days doing pleasant activities such as exotic sexercise with favorite dildos i find some part of my consciousness reorganizes its attitudes towards situations in my life while i'm happily distracted. During sessions of physical pleasure, i find myself in moods which allow the negative emotions to seep away, and i try to ensure my awareness is filled instead with the ideas i find most pleasurable. Then when my thoughts return to the practical matters of day-to-day subsistence and healthcare i feel as though i am beyond most of the stress and better able to simply face the practical matters with a cool detachment and sort of sanguine stance. I have become more capable of achieving this as i grow older (i'm almost thirty-seven, i've had HIV for the latter half of that span) and i am better adapted to these experiences. Lately i haven't felt the need for any forms of formal behavioral assistance (such as mental health counseling, talk therapy, survivor support group, etc) which were far more vital to me when i was in my twenties. I feel more stable nowadays, more able to cope, and i believe i receive better healthcare than i did half my lifetime ago.
Short version: although my numbers have sunk to and remain around their lowest levels, AIDS doesn't scare me like it used to. I'm older and calmer. I'm a more peaceful person now that i'm middle-aged, despite being continuously ill.
I try to engage in healthy physical activity as much as possible, but usually i'm quite tired, so i just don't bounce on the dildos or Tony's cock as often as i wish. [greedy greedy!] Most days, even when quite bedraggled, i still try to amuse myself with some fun brain-masturbation, such as playing electronic MahJong. Now that the Yahoo Photos are closed and migrated to Flickr, i've been re-writing and updating my Yahoo MahJong webpages. A couple of amazing hands have been won this month, including a Major~4~Winds Limit with Yahoo's maximum 65536 Tile Points achieved by fay_e831. Then i won a 65536 Limit of 5~Honours which was my sixteenth occasion in the past two and a half years on the Lion's Lair Advanced tables successfully garnering that kind of accomplishment.
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