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2006 August 2nd Wednesday 21:45PDT
my capacities have peaked
Saturday morning July 29th Erythema Nodosum was still keeping me awake so i went back online to enjoy some 5Faan MahJong with my buddies. I won my thirty-eighth Limit hand (Maximum Faan) in the Lion's Lair. This was my twelfth perfect Yahoo Limit with 65536 Tile Points, arranged as All~Honours with Minor~3~Dragons, pongOwnWind, and a kong of other wind. I put the snapshot excerpt on my felix_ludic profile which i was using, sent the picture to Alex for inclusion in the Yahoo MahJong Super Hall Of Fame, and added it to my general public MahJong Photo Albums as well as my collection of personal best MahJong winnings. I was playing with my friends Piper, Trixie, Xiaowen, and Bin; they're some of the nicest people on Yahoo Games, and they've all won a number of fabulous Limit hands too.
When i finally got to sleep i stayed in bed all day and didn't rise until almost 19:00PDT. During the final few hours of my slumber i had a number of dreams from which i could recall various fragments. My stepfather, mother, two sisters and i are at my Grandma Lewis' house, and it seems to be right after Grandma died. I am looking at the hardwood floors in the living room and dining room. My older sister Aimee is talking to me and we seem to be discussing things which will happen on different days of the week. There is supposed to be a funeral, and it is the middle of winter and i see snow outside the window covering the driveway and the yard. In real life my sisters and i did not return to Vermont during the December of my grandmother's death a couple years ago, although my parents did.
In the next dream sequence i am in some stupid movie where mafia hitmen are chasing the main characters, it reminds me of Tom Cruise's movie The Firm. I am with the people fleeing through the aisles of a supermarket, then i am floating up above all the rows of groceries, i have a bird's-eye view of the market, i am above all the characters. Then i am running up a dark stairwell to the manager's office on the second floor, and i know i'm being pursued. I find some way to escape through a ventilation shaft, and these ducts go up through the ceiling and out to the roof. Then a helicopter is hovering overhead, searching for us. I am huddling under a grey blanket, covered, unseen, blending in with the drab roof. Then there is a scene as though i were watching a movie, and one of the characters was kidnapped by the mafiosos, and somehow the police investigators are trying to reconstruct the crime, they are looking back in time to a moment several weeks ago, there is a dial on a wristwatch or a clock, and as the dial spins backwards it is like having a time machine through which we view the events of a few weeks ago, we will see what happened to the victim with the help of this time machine.
The next series of dream images was quite bizarre. The Simpsons cartoon characters have somehow become real people, made of flesh and blood. They are interacting with Michael J. Fox and other real human actors. There is a new device, an invention which is worn on the human body and it somehow converts the ordinary energy of walking, breathing, and moving around into some sort of battery power, somehow harnessing electricity which will be stored and used later for other purposes. This device will somehow help humans to power their technology, and it will perhaps be a profitable invention. But in this strange cartoon/movie Doctor Hibbard is going to patent the device, however Homer Simpson wants to steal it and claim the patent. There is a scene in a restaurant where Hibbard and Michael J Fox and other people are sitting at a fancy table, and Homer (and i?) are standing next to them. Homer is holding baby Maggie in his arms. Suddenly the lights go out in the restaurant, and Homer siezes the opportunity to steal the device from Doctor Hibbard. He almost drops Maggie but i catch her in my arms. I am holding this baby girl in a blanket, hoping she is safe. Then there is a different scene in which Homer and i are being pursued through a series of office buildings and parking lots, it's very sunny outside as we run among the parked cars. We are being chased because Homer has the stolen device. There is an earthquake and several walls of the office buildings crumble.
Then the final dream felt sort of emotional. My friend Julie Shasteen went to high school and college with me in Vermont. In these scenes we are reunited after being separated for many years. We are so happy to see each other again, we are reminiscing about the past, laughing about all the stupid kids we knew in school. We are walking through the shopping mall, other friends are with us(?) and we walk past the front of the ChessKing clothing store. Julie says, "I've been ill and I've had surgery three times." I reply, "Don't worry, you'll get used to it, eventually it won't feel so scary to stay in the hospital, trust me, I am rather familiar with this." Then we go into a large department store which is sort of like JCPenneys. There are large windows through which sun is shining, the windows are huge and go from the floors to the ceilings. We are walking faster and faster, until we are almost running. We go up a flight of stairs, around a corner, to another department with more windows. Outside it might be anywhere in suburbia, there are parking lots and sunshine and other buildings, other stores, parking garages(?) and people walking around. I realize i have lost a shoe, it must have fallen off, i am worried that i won't be able to find this tennis sneaker. We see a shoe on the floor up against the wall and Julie asks if it's mine, but i say, "No, that's too small, that belongs to a small boy, it can't be mine," and we must go back and retrace our steps. We are almost running through the buildings now, we are laughing, it feels like we are young again, giggling, feeling silly.
I got out of bed and asked Tony, "Sweetie, will you please kill that spider on my ceiling?"
"Feeling a bit squeamish today, are we?" he laughed.
"I just woke up and i'm terribly uncoordinated." My left foot was also still very painful from Erythema Nodosum so i could hardly walk. Tony got a fly-swatter and a piece of paper towel, then he managed to knock the spider down. It dangled from a strand of its web until he scooted it down to the floor then squashed it and flushed it down the toilet. I brewed a pot of coffee flavored with almond and vanilla extracts and powdered ginger. I took all my usual pills then refilled the compartments of my weekly planner with their allocations. I applied more Mupirocin to my finger and covered with another bandage. This caused me to make many typographical mistakes while i was transcribing my dreams, so it took a long time for me to write everything i could recall.
Sunday morning July 30th i could hear seagulls squawking before dawn as the city twinkled and faint color appeared in the sky. The clouds gradually became visible and the day was overcast which kept the temperatures pleasantly mild. It rained gently as the day began. Although the storm did not appear violent we saw lightning several times over Ferndale and parts of Whatcom County. I came across a website Beyond Marriage which i believe accurately represents many of the feelings i have about family, community, and society at large. From now on, whenever anybody asks me about my viewpoints on related topics, i will give them the URL and tell them "this is basically how i feel".
I went back to sleep on Tony's bed for about eight hours. When i awoke after 14:00PDT i remembered three bits from some dreams. I'm back at Grandma Lewis' house in Essex Junction again, and now my stepfather and i are checking on her two cats. The skinny cat seems healthy, but the fatter cat appears to have an infection in its right eye; its eyes are obviously asymmetrical. In another scene i'm near the Herrick Avenue School in Milton, Vermont, during the summer when there are no classes and nobody is around; but my friend Rob Scarborough has a new summer job, he appears to be a security guard, he's keeping watch on the school, we are the only people here. In a third scene i am watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager and the crew is becoming sick with flu-like symptoms; B'elanna Torres has brought some strange artifact aboard Voyager and the holographic Doctor is explaining to her that the artifact is the source of the crew's illness; i'm in a room which reminds me of an English class i had in high school, but instead of students the crew of Voyager is sitting at the desks. As usual these dreams were meaningless to me, but i did notice some pieces of recurring themes. Sunday afternoon was cool and breezy, and sailboats were out on the Bay.
I brewed a pot of coffee to share with Tony, took my usual pills, and applied more Mupirocin to my finger. I listened to the Dream Factory from HBR1.com as i spent quite a while doing backup chores on my hard drives. My sister in Vermont e-mailed me to let me know her family would be vacationing in Seattle at the end of August, so we'd make some plans to get together while they enjoy a visit to Washington. After ensuring that i had multiple copies of my files and folders i also ran iSync and the OS X Software Update on all three of our iMacs. Then i read some webcomics, visited some online fora, and played a game of 5Faan MahJong with my buddies Xiaowen, Trixie, and Pinklime.
I slept on Tony's bed until noon Monday July 31st. I got up and made coffee, read my e-mail, then shaved, showered, and dressed to go out to my appointment and errands. First i went the the medical office park on Birchwood beyond the hospital and i saw my favorite doctor, an infectious disease specialist whose understanding of patients with HIV is most useful. I'm grateful for her help, as she's really been vital to my survival during the past four years. Then i walked down the street to the outpatient laboratory at my primary care physician's office. They drew five vials of blood for all of my usual testing, including monitoring of my liver in case of complications with my drugs. While i was in that building i visited the person who handles my insurance referrals and asked her to renew and extend my current coverage for all my treatments at the specialists' and the Respiratory Therapy. As i walked back up the street to Tony's truck the summer sunshine was blazingly bright on this last day of July, but it wasn't uncomfortably hot.
My next stop was at the Big Lots where i purchased some junk food (peanuts, brownies, candies), then i drove downtown, parked on Unity Street, and walked a few blocks to the bank. Finally i drove out to Barkley Village and shopped at the Haggen where i bought fruit, vegetables, soda pop, ice cream, and various delicacies for dinner. I brought everything back to South Hill and Tony helped put it all away. He had done housework while i was out, so i came home to a clean apartment. My digestive system was very upset and i had to take some Lomotil, but i felt better after a little while. In the evening i took some Marinol and we put together a large dinner.
He created a salad by blending romaine, spinach, red lettuce, green onions, bell pepper, carrot, celery, and crispy noodles. I made a dressing with peanut and soybean oils, white and rice vinegars, SriRacha chili sauce and chili oil, wasabi powder, cracked white peppercorns, soy sauce, minced ginger, garlic, pomegranate molasses, brown sugar, basil flakes and a pinch of MSG; then i thickened it by emulsifying spoonfuls of ketchup and mayonnaise. We had sushi from the Haggen: many little rolls of tuna in rice wrapped in nori seaweed; several large pieces in inari wrappers served open (sort of like small pitas) with rice, carrot, mung beans, bamboo shoots, brown rice syrup and other seasonings; dipping sauce on the side consisting of wasabi paste dissolved in shoyu; and pieces of pickled ginger. We had some crispy fried chicken which we heated in the oven at 420F for almost fifteen minutes until it was beginning to ooze a little grease. Leftover chicken and salad went into the refrigerator then we had dessert. In the bottom of our bowls i put slices of marionberry coffee cake, then i put a scoop of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup chocolate ice cream and poured a bit of Hershey's chocolate syrup over this. To each bowl i added a scoop of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra ice cream, and poured some Hershey's caramel syrup on this. Finally i squirted some fake whipped cream from an aerosol can on top. We listened to some jazz music while dining and cleaning up the kitchen.
In the snail-mail all of my packages arrived, along with some paperwork from one insurance company, and various junk advertisements. I ripped and added the two new Ozric Tentacles discs and the date by Kurt Elling to my iTunes library, and sent my thanks to Stevee Postman for the lovely artwork. Then it was time to flip the calendar pages as August began. I sat watching the city and bay at night, enraptured by the new music; behind me on my bed Tony slipped into his customary post-ice-cream-sundae-coma and snored softly. Eventually i fell asleep while flipping through the pages of Eric Ganther's text accompanying Stevee's Cosmic Tribe cards while the Ozrics enveloped me.
My intestines were very unhappy again on the morning of Tuesday the 1st, plus i was becoming very congested due to allergies, so i wasn't able to sleep for more than a few hours. After popping all my regularly-scheduled prescription pills plus a few over-the-counter drugs i started puttering around the kitchen. I gave the Brita filtration basin its fortnightly cleansing while brewing the usual Colombian arabica with Tony. We had more slivers of the coffee cake to accompany our refreshing beverage. Despite the antihistamines i had lots of intense sneezing fits. In the mid-day sunshine a variety of seagulls, herons, cranes and geese were squawking and honking on the rooftops, tree branches, and along the edge of the water. At the shore in front of the cliffs below our windows a few seals were repeatedly appearing, their heads occasionally breaking the surface of the Bay as they splashed around for fish or crabs then disappeared beneath the waves. A giant barge was moored at the international pier and only a few small fishing boats were out on the water but later some people took their sailboats out in the cheerful summer weather.
2.5mg of THC in a single Dronabinol capsule made me feel really stoned so i had 'breakfast' with Tony. We shared some yogurt, red seedless grapes, small black plums, and a couple wedges of cantaloupe. I didn't want the rinds to stink so i got dressed and took the rubbish out to the bins across the parking lot, then fetched all the junk mail from our postal box. I noticed that the cute guys who lived on the bottom floor of the building two levels almost directly below us had moved out. Darn, i said to myself, now i won't get to see those hunks hanging out on the patio overlooking the sea any more. I hope the new tenants will be as handsome. The afternoon was pleasantly breezy and the sunshine didn't feel nearly as warm as the previous day. A helicopter buzzed overhead as i sauntered through the back lot enjoying the fresh air.
In the east room of our apartment i put a couple CDs into the carousel and set the stereo to a moderate volume so i could hear the music while in my bathroom. The first disc was World Clique by Deee-Lite. I hummed cheerfully while spending a long time on the shower-shot plumbing, douching my ass repeatedly until it was squeaky clean. Singing along with Lady Miss Kier Kirby, Towa Tei, Dimitri Brill, and Bootsy Collins, i laughed: "the chills that you spill down my back keep me filled with satisfaction, when we're done, satisfaction or more to come...." When i thought my colon was impeccable i began probing gently with my Bronze Silicone Buttplug (#38) which is one of my smallest and smoothest insertable toys. A few daubs of petroleum jelly were efficacious for lubricating my anus as i carefully slid the Bronze in and out, and my inspection verified that i was immaculate on the inside.
My next luxurious activity was a long shower. Infinity Within was the disc by Deee-Lite which played on the stereo as i shampooed and scrubbed every bit of my skin and scalp. I also used a razor to shave my scrotum; i have very little body hair anyway, but i especially enjoy the feeling of my ballsac when it's free of too many pubes or stubble. After my shower i felt like i was sparklingly clean inside and out, and i began probing much more deeply with two of my dildos whose bases have the best suction-cups: Shawn'sDong (#17) and Bam (#4). I had a squeeze-bottle of liquid-KY lubricant from which i dribbled plenty over their surfaces as i affixed them to the tub and fiberglass walls of the shower to enjoy insertion at various angles.
After Shawn'sDong had really opened my ass nicely for a few minutes i was then ready for some serious Bam slamming. Squatting in the tub i stuck Shawn'sDong to the wall so it hung pendulously in front of my face, and i pushed Bam down firmly on the porcelain tub beneath my haunches. I took a whiff from a new bottle of poppers just as the song "Electric Shock" began to play. Wedging myself with a grunt into a well-balanced position i lowered my ass against Bam and pushed him through my anus with a great deal of force, and slid all the way down until his balls were up under mine. At the same time i put my lips over the head of Shawn'sDong then brutally shoved my face forward as hard as i could manage so he forced my jaw wide open and about six inches slid into my mouth. It was a bit uncomfortable as he stretched my throat and made me gag slightly while cutting off my breathing. I closed my eyes and screwed myself as viciously as i could in both ends simultaneously while the bass drum began thumping and Lady Miss Kier crooned:
Feel the music- Can you feel it- Move your body- Feel the music- Yes you can feel it feel it- Move your body- You're funky and you never stop- It's like electric shock- Criss cross circulation- Throughout every nation- Feel the music- Can you feel it- Move your body- Feel the music- Yes you can feel it feel it- Move your body- Move your body- Circulate circulate circulation- All around all around the nation- Running through running through your body- Mother earth mother earth creation- Can you feel it electricity- Running through your body- Can you feel it electricity- Running through your body.
Bouncing, choking, trying to gasp around the thick slab of squeezable rubber in my throat, grinding myself downward with all my strength, i literally fucked the piss out of myself. Over and over as i humped on Bam and gurgled against the Dong there were spurts of urine mixed with pre-ejaculatory fluids pulsing out from the tip of my penis because the pressure inside my ass was so tremendous behind my bladder. I bopped and wiggled until the muscles of my knees and upper legs grew tired and i was slightly dizzy from insufficient air. Then i finally rinsed off, dried off, and cleaned up the bathroom.
I brewed some Constant Comment black tea with citrus and spices, and shared with Tony. We added brown sugar and milk to our mugs, and sipped happily while we puttered around the kitchen. Then i went to the northwest room where my bed is near the large window and set up my playspace as the sun set and twilight faded over the city. Some vinyl sheets went over the bed, then old terrycloth towels, then old cotton sheets which i tucked around the edges to prevent them sliding too much while romping. I queued lots of cheerful music in iTunes (my G5 iMac is connected to the stereo surround system). From the pair of Cerwin-Vega speakers in front and the pair of KLH speakers in the rear the sounds of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by Kid Koala began to play. I put some old towels over my comfortable office chair then slipped the Bronze Silicone Buttplug inside myself as i sat at the desk and relaxed with my tea. I found that some software needed updating on both my G5 and my G3 so i spent a while tending to these computer chores. The next musical selection was the Cache Coeur Naïf EP by Mouse On Mars.
After i was done toying with the computers i activated the full-screen G-Force visualizer for iTunes and seeded the sprites folder with many dozens of images and video clips which would be blended into the phantasmagorical patterns in synchronicity with the music. Many of these pictures were creations of Stevee Postman, and some were erotic photos and short Quicktime movies of hot male models sharing my enthusiasm for rimming, spreading butthole, and swallowing huge cocks in every orifice. The album Radical Connector by Mouse On Mars began to play as i lounged atop my bed which was protected from any fluids, and i slowly began sexercising with bigger toys again.
Shawn'sDong and Bam were irresistible over and over, but i also fetched Krakatoa from the toybox (#10, "The World's Largest Vibrating Rubber Dong!"). Kneeling and aligning myself in various ways to get maximum leverage as i humped up and down more than half his length, this enormous vibrator brought incredible pleasure to me. Sweating and heaving myself vigorously, i felt like this was the most energy i'd had in weeks. I also had the Remulak Plug (#44) with which i stuffed my face. This black rubber object is shaped perfectly for strangling me exquisitely. Its rounded conical pointy tip pushed through my throat as i swallowed forcefully and pressed until my lips were all the way to the base. My pulse pounded in my head as i was unable to breathe, feeling dizzy as i filled my ass with Bam at the same time, until finally the panic of asphyxiation made me yank Remulak back out of my head with a gasping *pop* and slight choking noises. Over and over i reamed myself this way, feeling my cock harden as i slurped and swallowed frenziedly.
Frequently i needed to take breaks from the dildo-bouncing exercise because i am just not in the good shape of my twenties. I only turned thirty-six years old last month, but in many ways i honestly feel like i've sadly more in common with my elderly relatives when they were in their eighties and nineties. The desire, lust, and sincere motivation to exercise and cavort merrily is as strong in me now as ever; but the actual physical capability is waning undeniably with each passing month and year. Sometimes deep feelings of resentment and anger swirl somewhere inside me, a quiet seething bitterness which i feel towards AIDS and how much it seems to rob me, smothering potential of which i can now only daydream, forced to admit that it will never be fully realized. But then my feelings vacillate, and i remind myself to be grateful for so many years of survival, for my almost miraculous defiance of statistical trends. More than twenty million people dead already, more than twenty million dying, millions more who aren't even aware of their infection yet-- ordinarily somebody infected with HIV for seventeen years would probably have succumbed by now to one of the many opportunistic killers along the way. But unexpectedly, for no clear reasons, i have endured time and again, managed to make it through the multiple incidences of pneumocystis, cryptosporidiosis... and despite my doubts, each stay at the hospital ended with a return trip home. Why be angry, why be resentful, when i am still here, i am still alive and i somehow find the power during a few of these glorious days to celebrate, to spasm ecstatically atop my diabolical dildos, joyfully refuting the odds as i burst with happiness and a touch of surprise at survival?
The beautiful melodies by Mouse On Mars ended while i was resting, stretching my body, and flexing my joints. The next disc was Prima Materia by Bluetech, and i smiled as i watched the sexy sprites morphing into the delta-fields of the G-Force projections on the computer's twenty-inch widescreen monitor. I've covered my universal remote controls with clear plastic wrap and cellophane tape in order to protect them from any grease and fluids while i'm playing; i switched on the twenty-seven inch television and one of the VCRs in which i had an adult erotic videotape containing two movies. The first was a German production featuring men in their mid-twenties to early thirties, and they were all very scrumptious as they played with each other and utilized a variety of dildos and gear. The second video was an American production featuring men in their thirties and forties (possibly early fifties) who were incredibly athletic (some could be described as gym-bodies) and they had some extremely talented abilities as they played with enormous dildos as large as my own. I love watching erotic movies sometimes while i'm masturbating and sexercising, as i find my brain, my emotions, and my entire spirit become overwhelmed with sensations of sexy euphoria.
Switching positions and shifting my balance as i crouched, kneeled, lounged and sat many different ways while stuffing myself with dildos and buttplugs, i was really tiring myself but enjoying every moment intensely. The four double-AA batteries which powered the two vibrating 'eggs' inside Krakatoa were beginning to run down very slightly, but he still buzzed and growled powerfully eight or nine inches inside my rectum as his vibrations throbbed up through my spine and out along my trembling extremities. The next music was one of my new albums by Ozric Tentacles: Spirals in Hyperspace. Muscles, joints, my neck and back, my knees and calves, my shoulders were all starting to ache continuously as i overworked my body, yet i could not stop playing with my toys; they insisted i must lustfully worship them beyond my supposed limits.
I fetched my toy known as the Unicorn (#51) and lied sideways as i slipped seven or eight inches of its smooth ribbed length in and out of my ass. This dong is very bendable and squeezable so i was able to twist and manipulate it easily while lying on my side or back, then i would roll onto my stomach and reach behind myself to jam it rapidly as several of its ridges made me moan involuntarily. I think the caffeine had worn off and the THC from the Marinol contributed to my drowsiness, as i eventually dozed off while squeezing the first three or four segments of the Unicorn inside my rectum. I probably napped for fifteen or twenty minutes, then awoke thinking, "You tired old fart, you sure aren't the performer you used to be in the early 1990s!"
Although i was reaching the boundaries of exhaustion i still felt compelled to shpongle myself even more ludicrously. Horny and motivated, i selected a couple toys which were right around my true limits: Nerf (#1) and the Jumbo Plug (#47). Kneeling on the bed with Nerf behind me between my feet i lubed my butthole with Slam Dunk creme and pressed down on top of his enormous smooth head. I found that i could not make him penetrate me if he was aligned with his widest flare perpendicular to the crack of my ass, but rather i had to rotate him twenty or thirty degrees in order to facilitate sliding him into my opening. He stretched me wider and wider until i thought my brain would squirt right out my ears; with all my might i pushed myself over his widest circumference and he popped through my sphincter suddenly aligning four, five, six inches deep.
Almost unable to think, frantic with the overstimulation, i forced myself to kneel steadily and take deep breaths. Tears ran out of the corners of my squinched eyes. Trembling but balanced on my ridiculous rubber perch, i unscrewed the cap on the bottle of poppers and took a couple slow inhalations, feeling a warm calmness spread from my flushed cheeks out through my body. Carefully trying not to spill the little glass bottle of caustic nitrites i closed the cap with my trembling fingers. A sensation of serenity overcame me. Holding my arms out from my sides as though i were balancing myself upon imaginary wings, i was able to lean and shift my weight so i could pull one leg up at a time and move from the kneeling position into a squat instead. Now my feet were flat on the bed along each side of the enormous black dildo's base and my haunches were halfway down his widening shaft.
For a split second an image fluttered through my imagination: a piece of citrus fruit being pressed down atop a juicer, being reamed wickedly, its zesty fluids mercilessly forced to squirt from it.
Eyes closed, head spinning with the drugs as the incredible entrancing Ozric Tentacles floated from the loudspeakers around me, panting, sweating, crying softly as my breath hissed through my clenched teeth, eyes shut and hands grasping at imaginary phalluses in midair, i used the muscles of my upper legs and buttocks to frog-hop straight up and down several inches. The stupdendous head and upper shaft of Nerf spread my backside so wide i thought i would faint. Ream! Ream! Ream! Bounce bounce bounce! Grrraahh!! He and i danced in overlapping space as he blasted the juice out of me. When i could honestly take no more i yanked myself all the way up off him and immediately fell forward, diving face down against the bed with a moan as my legs gave out and i almost fainted. Nothing compares to the exquisite madness of literally fucking oneself senseless.
For a few minutes i caught my breath. I almost passed out again, but libido smoldered and kept me moving. Over the past year and a half i've tried numerous times to fit the Jumbo Plug inside myself but to no avail. Jumbo is ever so slightly larger than Arthur Philip Dent (#34) which i can sometimes engulf. Now that i'd fucking blasted myself as wide open as ever with diabolical Nerf, i thought this would be the best opportunity to attempt Jumbo. Sitting, squatting, kneeling, leaning and pushing with all my strength in every possible position, i tried and tried desperately to get that bastard into my ass. Goddamfuckingmotherfuckingthing! I can make Dent go in... why can't i take you inside myself?! i fumed silently at this solid smooth black object. Nerf seemed like the perfect preparation for these efforts, but no matter how ferociously i pushed, twisted, and ground my ass against Jumbo, he would not get past the first inch of his curving dome top. His widest diameter was not successfully passing through my anus.
And that was when i finally admitted something to myself which i'd sort of suspected for a few years but had never quite found the courage to tell myself: my capacities have peaked. I am 'over the hill', and beginning to pick up momentum on the way down.
Of all my toys, of all the gigantic rubber dildos and buttplugs i've possessed in my lifetime, only a few have been beyond my capabilities: Max Planck (#42), Doctor Strangelove [Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb] (#41), and apparently this Jumbo Plug (#47). In the past few years i'd continued to harbor some hope, some wishful thinking that eventually if i just practised, exercised, put all my earnest efforts, and just tried hard enough then i could some day achieve these insertions. But the truth was finally undeniable, and i had to confess to myself that some things are impossible in this lifetime.
This made me feel momentarily sad; not blue, not sad enough to cry; but a bit mournful for some fragment of a daydream that gave up the ghost, wistful for the end of these fantasies. It's so unfair, i said to myself, i could have gone so much farther if AIDS hadn't sapped so much of the life out of me already. That's what i believed for a minute.
Then i changed my mind. I didn't change my beliefs, my acknowledgement of the truth-- but i changed my reactions, my feelings, my emotional response.
I will celebrate instead! i laughed to myself triumphantly.
Why be pouty and despondent for that which can not happen, why waste a moment on regret, when i could instead rejoice at all that is possible? Ha ha! I don't fucking care any more if some things just can't be... i'm going to celebrate all that is! I'm alive. I'm still breathing, still independent, still surviving, still capable of dancing on my eudaemonic devices, still able to have a rip-roaring time with Bam, Nerf, and dozens of dongs. Be glad! Be happy! I should have been dead already years ago, but i'm not. I'm here and i'm still kicking around; and even when i'm literally sick and tired, somehow i find the motivation to fling myself with glee into these romps through personal innerspace. I promised myself: never again will i worry much about what is lost or what is impossible, so long as i can find some way to celebrate what i do have, what i can do, what i am.
Then the next album by Ozric Tentacles began to play: The Floor's Too Far Away. I selected The Gates (#52) from the toybox and sat on my bed, resting with my back to a couple pillows against the wall. These old pillows had been sealed in plastic bin-liners then stuffed inside some old cotton pillowcases, so they would be safe from splashing bodily fluids and greasy lubricants, same as the bed. I treasure my playspace and try to keep everything in good condition although i rollick and romp with slippery ass-toys which literally juice the sweat, piss, snot, jizz and tears right out of me. While watching more of the erotic adult video scenes and luxuriating in the crafty audio wizardry of the Orzrics i stuffed my asshole with The Gates, groaning as its ribbed segments slid in and out of my sphincters. Now and then i would pop the Bronze Silicone or the Remulak Buttplug into my mouth, choking myself intentionally, cutting off my air until my head was spinning and i panicked, pulse pounding as i yanked the rubber devices viciously out of my ass and throat with slurping and shplorping noises. Greedily i stuffed these into myself again and again. Celebrate! I can do THIS, and THIS, and THIS too!
After a while i decided to play with Krakatoa again. Crouching over him as i held his big base between my heels and pushed my ass down until he impaled me eight or nine inches deep, i took a couple more whiffs from the bottle of poppers. I twisted the vibration control dials up to maximum, although he only buzzed now at about half his usual speed because the batteries were quickly running down. Humping and hopping up and down his shaft, i balanced myself with my left hand against the bed while i used my right hand to force Remulak in and out of my throat. So what if my T-cells never recovered above the 120 level again? So what if i had to be at the hospital every fucking month for respiratory therapy? So what if i was always at the pharmacy, at the lab having blood drawn, at one doctor's office or another so we could figure out how to manage my survival? So what? I'm alive!! Flinging myself with every ounce of strength, i slammed as far down Krakatoa as i could, with each thrust taking my haunches further and further, closer to his base. To my astonishment i went deeper than ever on this device: on several strokes i was actually impaled all the way along his length, my ass-cheeks only an inch or two away from his 'scrotum'; i could feel his head buzzing so far up inside myself, it astonishingly seemed as though he were vibrating right up underneath my heart, kind of freaking me out as the buzzing and growling radiated outward from my spine and my diaphragm, rippling along my extremities as i flung myself into this dance, choking, drooling, snarling and crying. Alive!
Despite the fatigued muscles and exhausted mind, i demanded of myself to still twist some wicked shponglitastic moments out of my ass-- to wring some frustrations and tensions right out of my body and wash it away with satisfaction for the powerful impalement which i appreciated more than ever. As i now understand and am willing to admit how it can not be forever, so i shall fling myself earnestly upon any delicious chances which remain.
I shifted my position so i was reclining against the protected pillows, i stretched my legs all the way out, and i forced The World's Largest Vibrating Rubber Dong to remain about six or seven inches inside my rectum. As it buzzed and i panted, i squeezed my balls with one hand, pressing them down against Krakatoa's shaft where it emerged from my asshole. Stroking my hard cock with the other hand, slower and slower, my breath becoming more shallow, my eyes tightly shut as colorful sexual fantasies swirled in my imagination, i pulsated into orgasm while it seemed my entire body was vibrating on TWLVRD. "oh Oh OH OH Oh Ahhh..." Spurt after sticky thick spurt of semen pumped out of my cock onto my stomach, my hands, my nuts, my thighs, and the huge vibrating dong which was now overwhelmingly driving me beyond sanity.
I was sort of crying and panting as the spasms rippled through the muscles of my body and made my back arch. Out! Now you must come Out! Now! OUT! the sudden need to get Krakatoa out of my ass was almost traumatic. The muscles behind my thighs and knees were cramping. Yanking gingerly i slid the vibrator until he popped back out of my anus, buzzing diabolically. Gasping as my heart pounded and my head spun, i deactivated the vibration control dials and twisted my body sideways, trying to flex my muscles so they wouldn't cramp. After a few seconds of catching my breath i stood up beside the bed, leaning and trying to crook my neck, shoulders, arms and all joints to shake out the last dregs of tension. I was trembling with fatigue, vibrating with happiness.
I sat back on the bed against the pillows with a satisfied sigh and found a comfortable position. I'll just rest for a minute, then i'll clean everything up, i thought. Using the remote control i switched off the TV and VCR which had already slipped away from my attention a while ago. As i lounged on my sticky sheets amidst my heap of used toys i dozed off (something that never happened ordinarily in my twenties, but is now very common whenever i'm rambunctious to the point of working up a sweat repeatedly). I conked out for about a half hour. When i awoke from my nap the Ozric Tentacles album was nearly finished. Goodness, i really pounded myself unconscious. Greatly tired but ever so satisfied, i began to pick up the playspace, carrying the treasured rubber objects to the kitchen sink which i filled with hot soapy water.
After scrubbing each item meticulously and rinsing away all traces of the soap suds i brought them over to the shelf below the open window. I spread them out to dry in the slight breeze, then went around the room cleaning up all the sheets, towels, lubricants and other implements of my happiest playtime. On the stereo i played some old sessions from Electro Radio featuring DJ Skyylite. Many lovely musical masterpieces were woven into the New Year's Eve 2001 mix. The sweet whispering vocalist sang during tracks by Air Liquide: "This is not a mind trip, this is a body journey.... If there were no gravity, you'd be in Nephology." The classic sounds of "A Day In The Life" by the Beatles were blended into the mix, as well as the song "Changes" by David Bowie. It all seemed appropriate somehow as i was in this mental state of accepting my transition, of admitting that i'd crested over the hill, of allowing that i'd gone beyond my peak and some youthful dreams would just never come to be. I was honestly so deeply grateful to be alive, to be able to celebrate my survival, to relish all the good feelings and satisfaction of what i could still do. Despite ongoing reduction of capacities, i find i am more content than ever.
I put the Bronze Silicone Buttplug back in my ass while sitting at the G5 iMac writing about all these favorite activities. Lately i'd been thinking that some of my dildos needed to be replaced as they'd worn out from age (all rubber dries out eventually) and from repeated applications of grease (their surfaces eventually deteriorate because of their incompatibility with oil-based substances). Acknowledging that bigger and bigger was no longer better, i decided i would order some new toys which are definitely within the range of my actual capacities. I went through the website of Sketchy Mess Jeffory to an online adult store, as this would hopefully cause him to earn some tiny commission. Bam's first few inches were hardening and losing all squeezability, so i ordered an exact replacement. I also ordered the curved Black Thunder, a 12.5 inch Ultra Cock, and a 12 inch Star Performer, all which have suction-cup bases i can appreciate.
I shut down the computer and stereo, gathered up a pillow and sheet, and went into Tony's room where he was lying on his bed. With the Bronze Silicone still plugging my happy asshole i snuggled up against my sweet roommate. "Can i sleep here with you?" i asked with a giggle. He consented (as always) and pulled me up against him, hugging me close as i pushed my plugged butt toward his crotch. We must have snoozed for several hours until he awoke in the late morning of Wednesday August 2nd. I continued napping on his bed with the Bronze causing me to awake with an erection every now and then. When i finally became conscious at 4:20pm i couldn't resist masturbating while flexing my butthole on the plug until i jizzed all over my stomach and hands again. I got out of bed and washed up, finally removing the Bronze. I washed this toy, and the rest of the objects by the window were dry so i put them all away. I brewed a pot of coffee with vanilla and nutmeg, then Tony and i had cinnamon swirl buns with cream cheese frosting. I listened to more DJ Skyylite while i sat at my computer, reading, writing, and enjoying the cool summer evening.
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