Follow that car
Several years prior to my retirement, I
took a class in interpersonal skills at a university in Kansas City. The focus
of the class was to give us communication skills which would aid us in working
more successfully with out students. ultimately we learned that problems which
we encounter when working with other people often lay within the way we have
approached the situation.
We learned that the "meaning of communication is in the answer we receive". If you are working with a student and you seem to get nowhere, examine the response you are getting. His body language and his words will tell you not only what he is saying and thinking, but more importantly, how successfully you are conveying what you are thinking.
One of the techniques we were taught is called mirroring. Mirroring is used by negotiators in collective bargaining settings. The purpose of mirroring is to get the person or persons with whom you are bargaining to feel comfortable with you, to show them that they can have confidence in you, to get them to trust you, and of course, ultimately, to get them to agree with your position.
Let's look at three movies which have made use of mirroring techniques. In The Negotiator the characters played by Samuel L. Jaskson and Kevin Spacey carefully listen to the individuals with whom they are negotiating. They work to get them to a position of surrender. Most of the mirroring is verbal, they are attempting to talk someone "down" from their position of being a hostage taker. They mirror the thoughts and attempt to instill confidence.
In Rising Sun, Sean Connery's character mirrors the physical actions of some Japanese executives. He is attempting to discover a murderer in their midst and must have their cooperation to accomplish his investigation. He follows their physical movements, mirroring their actions. They become comfortable with him and somewhere in the interaction they begin to mirror him. It is a fascinating scene.
A very humorous example of mirroring occurs in the movie As Good As It Gets starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. In a restaurant where the two are eating, Helen Hunt leaves one area of the dining room to move to her table where Nicholson is waiting for her. She gets halfway across the room when she realizes that she has left her shawl behind and turns to go back to get it. A young waiter is following her and she realizes that he turns and follows her back to get her forgotten garment. As she turns again to return to Nicholson's table she decides she will meander through the room to see if the waiter will follow her. Sure enough. He is mirroring her actions. Rather than following her, he soon is being led by her. He goes wherever she goes.
When I learned this technique in Kansas City, I was anxious to see how it worked. Back at school I was visiting with a fellow teacher. The conversation was about a student who was having difficulty in class. The teacher with whom I was visiting leaned her shoulder against the wall, so I leaned mine against the wall also. Then she crossed her arms, I mirrored her and crossed mine. The longer this went on the more relaxed our discussion seemed to become.
I went into the classroom and did the same thing with students who were upset. I learned that it does work. Surely, part of the reason for the success of mirroring is that it causes you to be extremely attentive to the actions of others. you pay attention to them. While it may relax them and enable you to influence then with integrity (that was the title of our class text in Kansas City, Influencing With Integrity), it also causes you to be extremely attentive to your own behavior. You find out a good deal about yourself through mirroring.
A humorous personal experience occurred to Diana and I earlier this summer. We discovered ourselves being followed by a truck. No matter where we went, it went. As we had been shadowed by this truck before, we decided to simply meander about the streets of El Dorado Springs. Sure enough, no matter where we went, it followed. Now was it following us or were we leading it?
Try the mirroring technique. It will cause you to ask yourself, "Am I thinking on my own, or am i allowing others to thing for me?"
Why should we not all live in peace and harmony? We look up at the same stars, we are follow-passengers on the same planet and dwell beneath the same sky. What matters it along which road each individual endeavors to find the ultimate truth? The riddle of existence is too great that there should be only one road leading to an answer.
Quintus Aurelius Symmachus
We learned that the "meaning of communication is in the answer we receive". If you are working with a student and you seem to get nowhere, examine the response you are getting. His body language and his words will tell you not only what he is saying and thinking, but more importantly, how successfully you are conveying what you are thinking.
One of the techniques we were taught is called mirroring. Mirroring is used by negotiators in collective bargaining settings. The purpose of mirroring is to get the person or persons with whom you are bargaining to feel comfortable with you, to show them that they can have confidence in you, to get them to trust you, and of course, ultimately, to get them to agree with your position.
Let's look at three movies which have made use of mirroring techniques. In The Negotiator the characters played by Samuel L. Jaskson and Kevin Spacey carefully listen to the individuals with whom they are negotiating. They work to get them to a position of surrender. Most of the mirroring is verbal, they are attempting to talk someone "down" from their position of being a hostage taker. They mirror the thoughts and attempt to instill confidence.
In Rising Sun, Sean Connery's character mirrors the physical actions of some Japanese executives. He is attempting to discover a murderer in their midst and must have their cooperation to accomplish his investigation. He follows their physical movements, mirroring their actions. They become comfortable with him and somewhere in the interaction they begin to mirror him. It is a fascinating scene.
A very humorous example of mirroring occurs in the movie As Good As It Gets starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. In a restaurant where the two are eating, Helen Hunt leaves one area of the dining room to move to her table where Nicholson is waiting for her. She gets halfway across the room when she realizes that she has left her shawl behind and turns to go back to get it. A young waiter is following her and she realizes that he turns and follows her back to get her forgotten garment. As she turns again to return to Nicholson's table she decides she will meander through the room to see if the waiter will follow her. Sure enough. He is mirroring her actions. Rather than following her, he soon is being led by her. He goes wherever she goes.
When I learned this technique in Kansas City, I was anxious to see how it worked. Back at school I was visiting with a fellow teacher. The conversation was about a student who was having difficulty in class. The teacher with whom I was visiting leaned her shoulder against the wall, so I leaned mine against the wall also. Then she crossed her arms, I mirrored her and crossed mine. The longer this went on the more relaxed our discussion seemed to become.
I went into the classroom and did the same thing with students who were upset. I learned that it does work. Surely, part of the reason for the success of mirroring is that it causes you to be extremely attentive to the actions of others. you pay attention to them. While it may relax them and enable you to influence then with integrity (that was the title of our class text in Kansas City, Influencing With Integrity), it also causes you to be extremely attentive to your own behavior. You find out a good deal about yourself through mirroring.
A humorous personal experience occurred to Diana and I earlier this summer. We discovered ourselves being followed by a truck. No matter where we went, it went. As we had been shadowed by this truck before, we decided to simply meander about the streets of El Dorado Springs. Sure enough, no matter where we went, it followed. Now was it following us or were we leading it?
Try the mirroring technique. It will cause you to ask yourself, "Am I thinking on my own, or am i allowing others to thing for me?"
Why should we not all live in peace and harmony? We look up at the same stars, we are follow-passengers on the same planet and dwell beneath the same sky. What matters it along which road each individual endeavors to find the ultimate truth? The riddle of existence is too great that there should be only one road leading to an answer.
Quintus Aurelius Symmachus
Posted: Tue - January 10, 2006 at 06:13 PM
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"Chance favors only the prepared mind." - Louis Pasteur
"Art arises from basic needs-a strong need to express and celebrate our everyday events.
In a museum most people spend less than twenty seconds looking at a work of art."
"Art arises from basic needs-a strong need to express and celebrate our everyday events.
In a museum most people spend less than twenty seconds looking at a work of art."
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Published On: Jan 10, 2006 06:17 PM
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Published On: Jan 10, 2006 06:17 PM