I cut my leg while shaving the other day. Now, this may not seem like big news, but as I watched all the blood drain from my body, I thought to myself "what the heck am I shaving for?" I mean, shaving is a dangerous sport--yet I do it every day and I don't really know why. It's just a girl thing.
Women have many girl things. And some of them are downright weird. No other gender on the planet (okay, that means MEN) would shave their legs, wear Miracle bras, high heels or thong underwear and do it willingly. So what is the matter with us?
I mean, we women seem normal. We hold down jobs, mother our kids, run the errands, and drive the minivans. But when we get dressed, we put on panty hose. You just don't see men torturing themselves with nylons to look good.
But we women routinely torture ourselves for the sake of our looks. Check out any bathroom in America. If it belongs to a woman, you will find more beauty products than she could possibly use in a year, let alone every day. And some of these are downright dangerous. Have you ever tried to apply mascara? You could poke your eye out. But most women won't leave the house without it. And don't get me started on exfoliates. Why do we think that rubbing all the skin off of our bodies is a good thing?
Men don't do this. In a man's bathroom you will find a toothbrush, soap and shampoo. It's not a torture chamber.
Underwear is another issue. Men choose between boxers and briefs. Oh, sometimes a man has to choose between cotton and flannel, but really that's about it. Women choose between grandma underwear, bikini, hi cut brief, string bikini, support panties, and of course, the dreaded thong (known in our house as "butt floss").
The thong is a torture device invented by a mad scientist. I'm pretty sure this guy had a plan to rule the earth's female population. How else to explain why women all over willingly wear strips of elastic wedged in their butts? It's insane, it's crazy, but it's what we do. And do you know why we do it? Because we are afraid of Visible Panty Lines.
Now, if you are a man, you don't know much about the dreaded VPL. It's a social disorder that swept the country in the mid eighties. Millions of women were wearing too-tight Jordache jeans and the lines of their underwear were clearly marked for the world to see. Along came our mad scientist and the thong. Suddenly, entire urban areas were virtually VPL free.
Women who clung to their grandma panties were ostracized. Personally, I'm still waiting for the Grandma Panties Freedom Movement to take off. On that day, women will wear their VPL with pride. And never again will a piece of elastic be stuck where it shouldn't be.
As if the thong wasn't torture enough, someone decided women look good in high heels. For Pete's sake, when was the last time you saw a male soccer coach in high-heeled cleats? Yet women are wearing platform tennis shoes. We think nothing of tottering around on four-inch high stilettos. It's a good thing women have excellent balance. Otherwise you'd find us all sprawled on the sidewalk, crippled in pain from twisted ankles, thongs and Miracle Bras.
And that shaving thing? Please. Yes, men torture themselves regularly by shaving their faces. But we women go a step further on that. We wax. Waxing is horrible. It almost exceeds the thong pain ratio. It's actually taking hot wax, smearing it on your leg, applying a strip of cloth and then ripping the hair from your leg. It's agony--but we do it. And do you know why? Because then we don't have to shave everyday. But do you see men waxing their faces just so they don't have to shave? No. Men don't like pain.
So does all this mean that women care more about how we look? Or are we just into pain? Or could it be that we are so influenced by advertising and Hollywood that we think we have to torture ourselves with lotions, waxes and thongs just to look decent?
Frankly, I don't know and I don't think I ever will. What I do know is that my legs are smooth and clean-shaven. Even if I am wearing 17 Scooby-Doo bandages to cover the scars.