Okay, so today I’m reading my newspaper (again, I like to read the actual paper with newsprint). Anyway, I read a column that appears every day—I don’t want to name names, but it begins with “Dear” and ends with, er, “Abby.” So a woman writes in asking for advice because her 9-year old son refuses to shower, brush his teeth regularly and (GASP) barely changes his underwear.
Hello. Is it just me or did this woman just define the very existence and habits of 9-year old boys all over the planet?
And it gets worse. Turns out that this woman thinks her son is unusual and so does Abby. In fact Abby actually said, “This may be a stage, but if it persists for more than six months, consult a child psychologist.” Oh for God’s sake, Abby, dear. If every mother of a 9-year old boy took that advice, there would be such a rush to get to the psychologist’s office that the wait list to get treated would be years. Years, I tell you.
It’s a proven fact that 9-year old boys are dirty. They play hard. They stink hard. And they don’t stop stinking until they reach that stage defined by moms everywhere as “the stage where they discover girls” which is usually followed by “the stage where boys use up all the hot water and everyone else in the house gets a cold shower in the morning.” Yes, once boys discover that girls in general are turned off by yellow teeth, stinky armpits and general filthiness, guess what they do? Yes! They bathe. They brush. They change their underwear. It’s like a miracle, only it smells better.
That mother should not waste her money on a psychologist. Instead, she should just invest in a case or two of Fabreeze and wait patiently for her son to discover girls. Or boys. Hey, I don’t judge.