Manic Motherhood

I cut my leg while shaving the other day. Now, this may not seem like big news, but as I watched all the blood drain from my body, I thought to myself "what the heck am I shaving for?" I mean, shaving is a dangerous sport--yet I do it every day and I don't really know why. It's just a girl thing.

Women have many girl things. And some of them are downright weird. No other gender on the planet (okay, that means MEN) would shave their legs, wear Miracle bras, high heels or thong underwear and do it willingly. So what is the matter with us?

I mean, we women seem normal. We hold down jobs, mother our kids, run the errands, and drive the minivans. But when we get dressed, we put on panty hose. You just don't see men torturing themselves with nylons to look good.

But we women routinely torture ourselves for the sake of our looks. Check out any bathroom in America. If it belongs to a woman, you will find more beauty products than she could possibly use in a year, let alone every day. And some of these are downright dangerous. Have you ever tried to apply mascara? You could poke your eye out. But most women won't leave the house without it. And don't get me started on exfoliates. Why do we think that rubbing all the skin off of our bodies is a good thing?

Men don't do this. In a man's bathroom you will find a toothbrush, soap and shampoo. It's not a torture chamber.

Underwear is another issue. Men choose between boxers and briefs. Oh, sometimes a man has to choose between cotton and flannel, but really that's about it. Women choose between grandma underwear, bikini, hi cut brief, string bikini, support panties, and of course, the dreaded thong (known in our house as "butt floss").

The thong is a torture device invented by a mad scientist. I'm pretty sure this guy had a plan to rule the earth's female population. How else to explain why women all over willingly wear strips of elastic wedged in their butts? It's insane, it's crazy, but it's what we do. And do you know why we do it? Because we are afraid of Visible Panty Lines.

Now, if you are a man, you don't know much about the dreaded VPL. It's a social disorder that swept the country in the mid eighties. Millions of women were wearing too-tight Jordache jeans and the lines of their underwear were clearly marked for the world to see. Along came our mad scientist and the thong. Suddenly, entire urban areas were virtually VPL free.

Women who clung to their grandma panties were ostracized. Personally, I'm still waiting for the Grandma Panties Freedom Movement to take off. On that day, women will wear their VPL with pride. And never again will a piece of elastic be stuck where it shouldn't be.

As if the thong wasn't torture enough, someone decided women look good in high heels. For Pete's sake, when was the last time you saw a male soccer coach in high-heeled cleats? Yet women are wearing platform tennis shoes. We think nothing of tottering around on four-inch high stilettos. It's a good thing women have excellent balance. Otherwise you'd find us all sprawled on the sidewalk, crippled in pain from twisted ankles, thongs and Miracle Bras.

And that shaving thing? Please. Yes, men torture themselves regularly by shaving their faces. But we women go a step further on that. We wax. Waxing is horrible. It almost exceeds the thong pain ratio. It's actually taking hot wax, smearing it on your leg, applying a strip of cloth and then ripping the hair from your leg. It's agony--but we do it. And do you know why? Because then we don't have to shave everyday. But do you see men waxing their faces just so they don't have to shave? No. Men don't like pain.

So does all this mean that women care more about how we look? Or are we just into pain? Or could it be that we are so influenced by advertising and Hollywood that we think we have to torture ourselves with lotions, waxes and thongs just to look decent?

Frankly, I don't know and I don't think I ever will. What I do know is that my legs are smooth and clean-shaven. Even if I am wearing 17 Scooby-Doo bandages to cover the scars.

It's nearly summer. And moms all over America are running around trying to do one thing--put their children in summer camp. Now, they have summer camps for practically everything. There are science camps, rocket camps, sports camps, horse camps, Barbie hair styling camps--the list could go on forever. But none of these camps are practical.

I mean, sure, I could send Junior to Space Camp, but the truth is I don't think the next Buzz Aldrin is sitting in the family room playing on his Game Boy. I prefer camps that teach children useful skills. Camps like these:

Make Your Own Bed Camp

This exciting one-week camp introduces children to the wonderful world of bed making. Classes include "Comforters: The Easiest Way to Make a Bed", its companion class "Tucking In: Tips and Tricks", along with basic classes like "Clean Sheets Make for Happy Campers" and the ever popular "Hospital Corners: They aren't Just for Sick People." Camp Make-a-Bed guarantees that your child will emerge from her stay rested, refreshed and ready to make her bed--and yours--for nine months, or until next summer, whichever comes first.

Laundry Camp

This camp takes your child through the entire laundry experience. Your child will be able to smear her shirt in dirt, and then remove it using the latest advances in laundry technology. We feature classes such as "Ketchup 101--Get the Red out", "Woo-Hoo--Get the Grass off Your Shirt too" and "Sorting: Underwear Shouldn't be Pink." At the end of your child's stay at Camp We-Be-Clean, he will receive his very own, heirloom quality, stain remover kit.

No Means No Camp

After this two-week series of classes, lectures and tests, your child will emerge able to understand the meaning of the word "no." Never again will you scream across the playground "which part of no didn't you understand?" Classes in this very popular summer camp include "Because I'm the Mom/Dad, That's Why" and "No is Not Another Word for Yes". Camp Never-Say-Maybe fills up quickly, so reserve space for your child today.

Pet Care Camp

In this camp, your budding veterinarian learns all about the responsibilities of caring for animals. No more will you cave into your child's pleas for a pet, only to find that you are the one feeding it, bathing it, and cleaning up its accidents. At Camp Feed-'Em-Yourself, we teach all children to be the best pet owner they can be. Our class roster includes "Yes, it's Poop, Now Clean it up" and "Your Dog Will Starve Unless You Feed it." We recommend that graduates of this camp also attend Camp Wild-Thing; where your child will learn that Cheetas and Lions are not suitable pets.

Just Say No to Brittney and *NSYNC Camp

In this camp, children learn to say bye, bye, bye to Justin, Brittney and their pals. Your child will learn to appreciate music in classes that include "From Mozart to Aerosmith, a Complete Tutorial", "Frank Sinatra and Ozzy Osbourne: Twins Switched at Birth?" and of course, "Charlotte Church, Not Just Another Classical Music Loving Geek." After a week at Camp Pop-No-More, your child will be completely free of any desire to listen to singers who dance, lip sync or are guilty of excessive belly baring. We offer full refunds if you hear "Oops, I did it Again" blaring from your child's room within six months of his or her camp experience.

Don't Hit Your Brother/Sister Camp

Sibling rivalry is not dead. And that's why your fighting youngsters need this intense, three-week* day camp. At Camp Peace-and-Love, siblings are placed in the same tent--with a camp counselor--and allowed to explore feelings of jealousy, competition and hatred in a private, yet supervised, setting**. Topics for discussion include "Bloodshed Isn't the Answer" and "Yell and Live to Tell, Hit and in Time Out You Sit".

*Due to the possibility of violent incidents, our insurance policy does not allow sleepovers at this camp. All children must be picked up at the end of each camp day.

**Due to the intense rivalry between some siblings, we cannot guarantee that your children will never fight again after attending this camp. Some siblings may need an advanced camp, Camp Cain-and-Abel.

Now these are summer camps a mom can use. Imagine a summer that is *Nsync-free. Or a summer where bed making is done automatically. Hey, a mom can dream, can't she?

I have become addicted to reality television. I love it. Don't you dare disturb me during Survivor or The Amazing Race or Lost. I love those shows. I do. Well, I don't like the reality love shows. I mean, come on, who really cares about 20 sexy singles who have perfect faces and figures, prancing about on a bareback cruise and stabbing each other in the back just so they can win a dream date and $200,000? Please. That is not reality. That's dating with attitude.

Of course, I've heard lately that the other reality shows aren't real either. And that got me thinking. If reality TV is real, how come they don't have a Survivor for women? I mean, facing down hungry lions is nothing compared to facing down twenty loads of laundry. That's reality, folks.

So I decided I would pitch this idea to CBS. I think it should be called Mommy Survivor. I've got it all planned out.

First, you take 16 contestants. Each a woman is from a different state and from different walks of life. The only requirement is that she be a mother or a grandmother.

Now, you split these women into two groups--or tribes, if you will--of eight women each. You only allow one luxury item per person and that item can't be moisturizer, their Mary Kay display case or a first aid kit. You'd be amazed at what women can make just from those three things.

Next, dump the contestants in a deserted area. Now, I've thought long and hard about locations. You see, it can't be a Pacific Island or Africa or basically anywhere that is remote. If you don't have to clean the house, do the laundry, take the kids to soccer, gymnastics, school or the grocery store, it's not deprivation. It's a vacation. So I decided that the contestants would be locked in an empty condominium complex in Toledo.

Now, in order to make this a true contest, and to get good ratings, we will up the ante. Each team will have only Rice Krispie treats to eat, unless they can hunt their own food or win food contests. They will not have any clean towels. The only TV in the condo will not receive Oprah, HBO or Lifetime. It will truly be primitive.

And the challenges--well if you think starting a fire with two sticks is exciting, wait until you see my contests. There are two types of challenges--for immunity and food. These are important, since mommies can't live on Rice Krispie treats alone. And of course, everyone on the show will want to survive the Condo Council.

For a food challenge, the first team to make a complete meal for four using only a cup of rice, a small chicken breast, two stalks of old broccoli and four strawberries wins. There are bonus points for the team that makes the meal stretch to five when the show's host invites his boss to dinner at the last minute.

Another food challenge might be the breakfast challenge. The first team to convince a nutritionist that milk, bologna and Gummi Bears are perfectly acceptable foods to serve your child at breakfast wins this food contest.

Immunity contests will be much more difficult. For example, one immunity challenge will be that each team gets a minivan with stained seats and a radio that only gets the golden oldie station. They then have to pick up seven children, fit them in the van and take them to seven different destinations within a half-hour. The team who does so without receiving a ticket, screaming at the children or forgetting a kid in the car wins the immunity challenge.

Then there is the immunity challenge for shopping. The contestants are dropped off at a mall with a list of twenty items to buy. The items are at different stores throughout the mall. They will be armed with one check, no ID and a credit card that is over the limit. The first team to buy the items on the list using only the check and the credit card will not have to kick someone out of the condo.

You know, I think this might work. It needs a few more challenges, but it just may be a hit.

Mommy Survivor. The real reality show.