Marital Therapy Policies and Goals
I have had the privilege of studying with many of the most respected couples therapists and researchers in the world including advanced training with Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the University of Washington and Dr. Susan Johnson of the University of Ottawa. The effectiveness of their therapies for couples are well documented in the professional literature. To learn more, visit the Gottman Institute and the Emotionally Focused Therapy web sites. Most recently I have been studying an integrative approach pioneered by Dr. Bret Atkinson of the Couples Clinic and provide copies of his 88 page personalized workbook called "Developing Habits for Relationship Success" to most of my clients so they can maximize their learning between counseling sessions. As much as I have learned from many gifted colleagues during more than thirty years as a therapist, I have learned the most valuable lessons from personal experience: Happily married to my wife for more than thirty-five years; parents happily married nearly sixty years at the time my mother passed away; in-laws still happily married after more than sixty-five years.
Initial SessionsDuring your first session, we will discuss the issues affecting your marriage and your expectations for therapy. In some cases, I will determine that I have enough information to begin therapy without further assessment. In that case, we'll just start. Other times, I may recommend a more extensive assessment. If we agree that a comprehensive assessment would be helpful, this is the process I generally follow:
Marital therapy will begin with three ninety minute sessions. These sessions will provide the information I need to create a detailed profile of your strengths as a couple and those areas in most need of improvement. I will interview you together and individually, observe you discussing a problem together (I will videotape the conversation), connect you to biofeedback sensors which provide information about your heart rate during the conversation, and provide several detailed questionnaires for you to complete.
Session 1 is with husband and wife together.Session 2 is made up of two 45 minute sessions, one with the husband and one with the wife. Although these individual sessions are private, my ground rule is that there will be no secrets. At my discretion, anything that you say to me during your individual session may be shared with your spouse when I see you together. If you prefer, your 45 minute individual sessions may be scheduled at different times rather than consecutively.
Session 3 is with husband and wife together. During this session I will summarize my assessment of your marriage and make recommendations on how to proceed. We will then see if we can agree upon a plan for therapy which fits your unique needs and goals. The plan could be as simple as a three hour extended session to work on one specific issue, or as extensive as a few months of bi-weekly 90 minute counseling sessions.
Goals of Marital TherapyAlthough you will have a personalized plan for your therapy, in general, I work toward helping all couples develop a relationship that feels emotionally safe and profoundly satisfying. This involves accomplishing many things, including:
- getting unstuck from gridlock around perpetual issues (the ones that never seem to go away) by learning how to dialogue comfortably about perpetual issues.
- replacing criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (Dr. Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) with their antidotes. These include: softer ways to bring up complaints, learning to accept influence from each other, techniques for soothing oneself and one's partner during conflict, learning ways to make repairs during an argument, mastering the art of compromise.
- learning how to process a marital argument successfully, without my help.
- learning how to get away from the "attack-defend" mode of discussion into the "collaboration" mode of discussion.
- building the marital friendship by: 1) learning how to deal with a failed attempt to make an emotional connection 2) establishing rituals of emotional connection 3) creating and maintaining a detailed understanding of each other's lives (a love map) 4) nurturing fondness and admiration for each other 5) creating a comfortable balance of togetherness and independence.
- honoring each other's life dreams.
- building a shared meaning system.
- minimizing the chance of relapse after therapy ends by creating rituals that guarantee you take time for: 1) talking about important issues 2) managing stress 3) having fun and keeping romance alive 4) making love.
A Typical Course of Marital Therapy
Many couples decide that several weeks of ongoing therapy is the best way to achieve their goals. In this case, both husband and wife attend each 90 minute session, usually held once every other week. After a few sessions, there may be a brief vacation from therapy, during which I may give you homework assignments and stay in touch with you by telephone. Regular sessions will resume for a few more sessions, followed by a longer vacation. At the end of therapy we may schedule a 6 month follow up session. I try stay in touch with couples periodically for about two years, to make sure your marriage is continuing to improve. Additional follow up sessions can be scheduled at any time, if needed.
FeesFees for marital therapy are $225 for a 90 minute session, payable at the beginning of each session. I do not contract with insurance companies so that I can protect your right to confidentiality and conduct therapy in the most effective and efficient way (e.g. 90 minute sessions rather than the 45 minute sessions most insurers will allow). However, I will be happy to help you obtain reimbursement from your insurer if they pay for marital therapy and allow you to choose your own provider. I set aside a portion of my time to provide reduced fee services for couples with severely limited financial resources.
The total financial cost of therapy will depend on the number of times we meet and the amount of any reimbursement you may receive from your health insurance company. Please keep in mind that the value of marital therapy cannot be measured in dollars or evaluated one session at a time. The value of marital therapy is best measured in terms of your individual, marital and family happiness and well-being over an extended period of time.
Please call (858) 755-3519 if you have questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
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