How to Choose a Marriage Counselor

by Steven E. Meineke, M.A., M.Div.

published in San Diego Family Magazine, May 2000

---

I believe the information in this month's column will benefit many San Diego couples. I want to thank William J. Doherty, Ph.D., marriage and family researcher and professor at the University of Minnesota, for giving me permission to include some ideas from his speech, How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to Your Marital Health, presented at the July 1999 SmartMarriages Conference in Washington, DC.

Did you know that on average, couples experiencing marriage problems wait six years before seeking professional help? I find that couples tend to delay until they're in crisis. There's a saying that goes, "When you're in enough pain, you'll let anyone be the doctor." But as you'll soon understand, picking up the phone in a moment of crisis, and calling the first therapist you find in the Yellow Pages, may not be good for your marriage.

A recent national survey revealed that 81 percent of all private practice therapists in the United States say that they offer marital therapy (another name for marriage counseling). In California, couples may choose from a variety of licensed professionals including Marriage and Family Therapists, Clinical Psychologists, Clinical Social Workers and Physicians (mainly Psychiatrists). Any of these licensed professionals may legally provide marriage counseling, but that doesn't mean every person holding a license has the appropriate education and training to work effectively with couples. In fact, only about 12 percent of the nation's licensed therapists are in a profession that requires any course work or supervised clinical experience in marital therapy (both types of training are required in the marriage and family therapy profession). I personally know well-trained and skilled marriage counselors in all the mental health professions. But how can the average consumer find a good marriage counselor when faced with so many choices?

Of all the professional associations, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has the largest number of skilled marital therapists within its interdisciplinary membership. You can find the AAMFT online directory at www.aamft.org or reach the California Division office by calling (800) 66-AAMFT. But no matter where you hear about a particular therapist, I recommend learning as much as you can about them. You will want to know if they have significant training and experience in counseling couples before you entrust them with your marriage. You will want to know if their values about marriage are similar to yours. Here are some questions Dr. Doherty suggests asking therapists, and his advice:

• "Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?" If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to a significant education in this work, then consider looking elsewhere.
  
• "What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?" You may want to avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.
  
• "What are your values about the importance of keeping a marriage together when there are problems?" If the therapist says he or she is "neutral" or "I don't try to save marriages, I just try to help people," consider looking elsewhere.
  
• "What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?" If the therapist responds by saying he or she only focuses on helping each partner clarify his or her own personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere for a therapist.
  
• "Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship?" "What percentage break up while they are seeing you?" What percentage do not improve?" "What do you think makes the difference in these results?" If someone says 100 percent stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I would also be concerned.

Even after you've made a choice and started therapy, I believe it is wise to evaluate the quality of help you are receiving. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Skilled marriage counselors will not sit there passively while you and your spouse spend most of the session fighting just like you do at home; they will interrupt your unproductive fights to offer guidelines and suggestions for better communication.
   
2. Skilled marriage counselors will almost always see you and your spouse together and are highly unlikely to suggest ongoing individual therapy sessions.
   
3. Skilled marriage counselors won't pick sides or focus on one partner as the main cause of the marital problems; they will try to help you and your partner participate equally in resolving issues as a team.
   
4. Skilled marriage counselors are not neutral; they are advocates of healthy marriage. Although skilled marriage counselors value individual happiness, they realize that many individuals have never experienced the quality of happiness that can be achieved in a marriage relationship that is equal, intimate and enduring. You may have moments during therapy when you want to throw in the towel, but you should be able to expect your therapist to be the last person in the room to give up.
   
5. A skilled marriage counselor will never directly tell you to stay married or get divorced; in fact, giving such direct advice is against the code of ethics of most professional associations.

Studies in New Jersey and Australia found that over 40 percent of divorced people regretted their divorces and thought they were preventable. I suppose that many of these people were looking at their past through rose colored glasses, but I also believe that many of those marriages could have been saved with a little help from a skilled marriage counselor.

Return to Home Page