The morning pages are definitely helping. The pages, along with a dose of meditations from Hidden Power for Human Problems, have caused my attitude to take a turn for the better. While I don't miss the pages yet if I skip, I notice the (negative) effect at the end of the day. And indeed, I miss walking if I skip it now, and I miss recovery group meetings if I go longer than usual without one. All of these are positive signs. Even more positive is that I had the sense to set myself goals that are less than perfection. I've cut myself some slack. What a concept!

And my courage is gradually returning. I've managed to update my resume (it only took me a week. Most of that was to get up the nerve to update my resume.) I've sent it off to two recruiters. And I'm working on the nerve to send it to A Major Animation Studio Here In Southern California. They're looking for engineers. I am an engineer... (keep repeating: "I am an engineer. I am an engineer...")

Younger Son and I have started "spotting" each other; i.e. when one of us has a job to do that is difficult to focus on, that person will ask the other to "spot" him/her. "Spotting" consists in doing a task (work, reading, whatever) in close proximity to the potential distractee, and occasionally saying things like, "Is that the task you intended to do?" This sensible approach is making us both more productive at home.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might even be an exit, rather than an oncoming train.

Late last year:

While not as out-of-control as I have been sometimes in my life, I was nevertheless making cookie runs to Seven-Eleven, eating desserts, and having huge bowls of cereal late at night. I felt virtuous because I put Sweet-n-Low on the cereal, and the desserts were usually "no sugar added". Emotional state: I felt numb, tired all the time and disastrously tired in the late afternoon (and cold-- my fingernails would turn blue), anxious, and sad. My ADHD was debilitating, and I easily flipped from fearful to rageful. I was getting by until the death of my dog and the loss of my job, but I had NO reserves.

Late January:

[Beta-endorphin] I gritted my teeth and followed the suggestions of my overeaters' support group. I cut 99% of all sugar and 90% of other refined carbohydrates (white flour, white rice, etc.) out of my diet. I started eating three meals a day with perhaps a snack. Result: Like flipping a switch, I no longer felt anywhere near as numb. Emotional state: Tired all the time and disastrously tired in the late afternoon, anxious, and sad. My ADHD was just as debilitating, and my moods just as volatile. When my spring classes were given to other instructors, it hit my raw nerves hard.

Late April:

[Blood sugar level] I went back to 6 small meals a day, with carbs mildly restricted. Each meal had a little protein, and some complex carb source(s). This was the way I was instructed to eat... nearly thirty years ago when I was first diagnosed with hypoglycemia. In addition, all the remaining sugars (including honey) and refined carbs came out. Result: Like flipping a switch, I no longer felt anywhere near as tired. Emotional state: I still felt somewhat tired in the late afternoon, my feet would feel cold but my fingernails would not turn blue, and still anxious and sad. Somewhat less debilitating ADHD, and moods somewhat less volatile. I started thinking about alternatives to teaching or indeed even to conventional employment.

Monday (June 5):

[Serotonin] I followed a suggestion in Potatoes Not Prozac (a book I've had for-- what? Five years now?). I (a) stopped having protein with my last meal of the day, and (b) made sure that the meal was at least three hours after the previous (with protein) meal. Result: Like flipping a switch, sadness and anxiety are much reduced. I feel positive even when showing my face at my soon-to-be-ex-job. Even the mild tiredness and cold feet are ameliorated if I am not sitting in a drafty office. ADHD symptoms are lessened, and my emotional state is such that I can bounce back from absent-mindedness rather than diving into a "what's the use?" death spiral. I can get sidetracked, shrug and say "Oh well, the ADHD did it again" and move on.

I want my depression to be about deep psychological and spiritual issues. I want improvement to come from insight into myself and my past, from profound things I've written in my morning pages (yes, I still do them.)

I don't want it to be about eating in a disciplined manner. I especially don't want it to be about eating in a way that is significantly different from cultural norms (I order side dishes in restaurants now.) Heck, even my overeaters' support group is all about "three meals a day" and there's a lot of social pressure there against the 6 meals model.

But, unfortunately, that would seem to be it. There's no wiggle room in the progression I outlined above. Real improvement in my mental state has resulted from changes in the way I eat, affecting beta-endorphin levels, overall blood-sugar level, and serotonin. The thoughts about going into business only started creeping in after the second food change. Significant daily action really only started this week, with the final food change.

At least it's cheaper and more effective than a psychiatrist (I know; been there and done that with both Prozac and lithium. Never again.) But it's more socially acceptable to go to a psychiatrist and pop those pills, even in recovery groups.

And after all, it IS a result of stuff I've written in the morning pages (had I not been writing them, I'd never have been able to make the above correlations.) It's just that the most profound thing I can get out of this is, "It's the food, silly!"

It's the food. Go figure.

• Dog yipping for no apparent reason? It's time to visit the lawn; maybe even get some exercise.
• Dog whining? It's time to cook a meal (and feed and water the dog.)
• Drifts of black dog hair on the beige carpet? It's time to clean the house.
• Dog sniffing at the table? It's time to clear the dishes and put the leftovers in the fridge.
• Dog sniffing at the grocery bag? Uh oh, forgot to put away the groceries again.
• Dog sniffing at your backpack? Maybe you forgot to eat your lunch, and need to take care of that.

I really miss my dog.