Along the Artist's Way

Sun - March 2, 2008

March Goal

This slow progression of improved habits must be helping. I'm blogging more, if nothing else.

Problem is, I don't feel better. In fact, I feel worse. The recovery meetings are stripping away my rationalizations, and I am truly ashamed of some of my behavior in the last 12 months. Or more. And the exercise is making the numbing effect of excess food and video games less effective.

I'd like to just run away from it all. But I can't figure out how to leave myself behind.

So, on to my March goal: Artist's Way morning pages. At least five days a week. It fits in to the recovery group's recommended practice of meditation; besides, I've noticed that the few days I've done the pages the last month, I've felt better.

And I am desperate for a healthy, sane habit that helps me feel better -- right now.

Posted at 07:30 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Thu - March 16, 2006

Yes, I'll be starting back on this...

...soon, I hope.

Just for right now, though, I'm marking time with morning pages and artist's dates while I try to pass the CSET and then figure out where I am with Artist's Way. I actually got past the week 3 check-in, but haven't yet posted it...

Posted at 12:36 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Thu - February 23, 2006

Week 3: Recovering a Sense of Power (Chart)

Power-- that would be good. Whether fearful or rageful, I'm tired of feeling powerless...

Week 3 Progress
	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr
Morning Pages
Artist's Date
Task 4: Habits
Task 7: Inner Compass
Task 8: Folks I Admire
Task 9: Past Folks I Admire
Task 10: List Comparison (from 8 & 9)
Self-care: Sleep (hours)	5.5	8.0	7.5	5.5	6.0	5.5
Self-care: Exercise
Self-care: Diet

Posted at 12:00 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Fri - February 17, 2006

Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity (Check-in)

How many days this week did you do you morning pages? Six-- I was sick Friday. How was the experience for you? Centering and calming. That's why it would be really good to do it in the morning when Cameron suggests... instead of later. How did the morning pages work for you? Describe them. Lots of affirmations, from Artist's Way, from my new recovery sponsor, and from the protests that sprang up in my brain when I started to write them. What were you surprised to find yourself writing about? I was surprised how much I wrote about not wanting to write them. Really. I suppose, given that, it's no wonder that I put them off until later in the day.
Did you do your artist date this week? Oh yes. What did you do? Road trip to Santa Barbara. I stopped and did morning pages and Artist's Way work in Thousand Oaks. By the time I got to S.B. it was noon; I had lunch at a favorite restaurant. I spent an hour browsing in the art supplies store; I got a new color for my purse-size watercolor set. Then I went down to the beach and got on my bicycle for the first time in more than a year. I'm in surprisingly good shape; I made it all the way from State St. around the salt marsh and back. On the way back, I stopped in Ventura and bought underwear at Patagonia's factory store (don't laugh; when I'm feeling poor the first thing I skimp on is underwear. So when I have new underwear, I feel rich.) How did it feel? Wonderful. I wish I could have spent even more time up there; but animation history class started at 6:45 pm and missing would have been foolish.
Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Well, of course. Describe them. It's distressing to see in HTML exactly how easy it is for me to slip into sleep and exercise deprivation. Despite the fact that intellectually I KNOW I'm more effective when I've slept enough and exercised, my brain constantly tells me that I have too much to do, and that I've gotten too distracted so I must skip exercise and sleep in order to catch up. On the other hand, having the weekly chart makes this visible, and more painfully obvious (before chart I was aware of it, but not really aware of how daily and pervasive it is.) And it's helped me improve. I'll probably continue the chart after the 12 weeks are up, perhaps in the Sideblog area.

Posted at 07:05 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity (Chart)

Safety and identity--very appropriate first two weeks since I've been feeling like a cornered rabbit (or coyote, depending on whether I'm in flight or fight mode) and I'm questioning everything in my life...

Week 2 Progress
	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr
Morning Pages
Artist's Date
Task 3: Twenty Fun Things
Task 4: Fun Goals
Task 8: Ten Tiny Changes
Task 9: Pick a Tiny Change
Task 10: Make a Tiny Change
Self-care: Sleep (hours)	8.0	5.5	9.5	6.0	5.5	5.5	6.0
Self-care: Diet
Self-care: Exercise

Posted at 12:00 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Thu - February 16, 2006

I'm off...

I've been reassigned to IT. Monster Boss has given me projects I have no hope of completing. I'm losing my job and I'm $___ in debt. I had to sell my truck. My dog died. Other than writing a country western song, there's only one thing to do:

Road trip.

I'm off to Santa Barbara for at least 12 hours. Catch ya later.

Posted at 07:11 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Fri - February 10, 2006

Week 1: Recovering a Sense of Safety (Check-in)

How many days this week did you do you morning pages? Seven for seven. Yay! How was the experience for you? While I had never completely given these up, I had gotten to the point that I'd do them only 3 or 4 days, or do them very late. It's good to be getting back in the groove.
Did you do your artist date this week? Yes. What did you do? I went to see "Hoodwinked" Friday. How did it feel? It was hard to let myself do this, this week, particularly after Thursday's events. And I wanted to put myself into a tearjerker, which would have been a mistake. So, I forced myself into silly comedy. It was fun; I laughed, and afterwards again had to fight to get myself to stop at Aroma to get an espresso. I'm sorry to say I didn't let myself stay there and sip it, but got it to-go. However, I'm in such fear of financial insecurity, that even letting myself buy it at all was an effort, and I think I deserve some credit for that.
Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Hell, yes. Describe them. Friday morning, I went to my recovery group, and acquired a new sponsor. I say "acquired", because while I had thought of asking her for this favor, in fact she volunteered. Since she was the person who suggested that I restart Artist's Way, I feel confident that she's in sympathy with my goals. She's a crusty old biddy, who was once a bouncer in a biker bar (!) and who will therefore accept no intellectual rationalizing bullshit from me.

I'm still down, but this is encouraging.

Posted at 08:22 PM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Week 1: Recovering a Sense of Safety (chart)

Face it, I was trained as an engineer. I just LOVE progress charts... and posting them here both adds to the challenge and helps me stay honest about it.

Week 1 Progress
	Sa	Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr
Morning Pages
Artist's Date
Task 4: Time Travel
Task 5: "Letter to Editor"
Task 8: Imaginary Lives
Task 9: Maintain "blurt" list	[ongoing]
Task 10: Walking
Self-care: Sleep (hours)	7.0	7.0	4.5	5.5	4.0	6.5	4.0
Self-care: Diet

Posted at 12:00 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - February 8, 2006

Amazing...

...the things you learn when you keep records.

I knew that my sleep habits were atrocious, but I've never actually recorded them before.

Well, that explains a lot...

Last night's excuse: Well, you see, I took the laundry out to the laundromat, and didn't get back until after 9 pm. Then I needed to relax a bit, and I was only going to play Dragon Quest VIII for a little while...

Yeah, it sounds lame to me, too.

The distressing thing is that, running on an average of 5 hours sleep yesterday, I didn't think I felt too bad. In reality, I got rather short-tempered in the class I was teaching, and didn't deal well with a request for a meeting from school administration.

Today, I know I feel like crap. It's just that my chart tells me far more clearly why I feel like crap.

OK, definitely an area in which self-care needs improvement.

Posted at 05:58 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Sun - February 5, 2006

Progress, Not Perfection

I have to keep reminding myself that perfection is NOT the goal.

The progress:

I finally did sign up for the CSET physics test, scheduled for March 18.
I downloaded the practice test for the CBEST test, scheduled for February 11 (OMG... that's next Saturday! Ack!)
I also downloaded ALL the test descriptions and practice questions available from the official site.
I ordered an AP Physics test prep book-- which, by the look of the practice CSET questions, should get me through.
I'm exercising by walking MUCH more, which also takes care of one of my five Artist's Way tasks for the week.
Actually writing my Morning Pages in the morning (as opposed to late afternoon or bedtime) knocks back another task.
My diet has improved somewhat.

The less than perfect:

I'm writing this now, when it would be more useful to be getting that "adequate sleep" I promised in the A.W. contract (in mitigation, I DID get plenty of sleep last night.)
My diet has a long way to go.
I STILL haven't ordered those transcripts. Blah.

I'll have no film reviews this week, because I went on my Artist's Date Thursday, thinking, "I really should see a movie I haven't seen before. I can't write a review about a movie I've seen before..." But I walked into "Brokeback Mountain" anyway. It's my favorite movie since "Howl's Moving Castle," and I'll probably stop struggling and just keep seeing it until it disappears from screens.

G'night, y'all.

Posted at 11:59 PM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Fri - February 3, 2006

Back to the Path

...on, I hope, a slightly higher level...

Samuel R. Delany once wrote a story entitled "Time Considered as a Helix of Semi-Precious Stones." Story aside, the image of time as a helix, circular and yet progressing, has intrigued me since I read it [mumble] years ago.

So. Here I am, on another turn of the helix. I asked the Universe for guidance yesterday, and it arrived in the form of reporter Christine Wicker's book on magic in America, "Not in Kansas Anymore," which stuck to me somehow in Barnes & Noble, and flat-out direction to pick up Artist's Way again from a very senior sister-in-recovery at my morning recovery group.

Guidance also arrived in the form of every effort to move forward on my teaching job search being blocked, yesterday.

Therefore, I intend to do the Artist's Way course as described in the book, in 12 weeks. If any of you out there would like to do it with me, feel free to post comments, or trackback to your own blog. I'll be running a Friday-to-Friday week. And this time, I'm posting the "Creativity Contract" out of Artist's Way right here in my blog (instead of on my wall where I can ignore it):

CONTRACT

I, Silver Dragon, understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve-week duration of the course. I, Silver Dragon, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.

I, Silver Dragon, further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with. I, Silver Dragon, commit myself to excellent self-care--adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering--for the remainder of the course.

3 February 2006

I hope you are satisfied, Universe, and will let me get on with registering for tests, getting transcripts, etc. today.

Posted at 11:00 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Mon - December 5, 2005

When the #^&$* Did I Become a Morning Person?

Most of my life, I spent trying to avoid getting up early. Late classes, sleeping as late as possible and then dashing through my morning routine to get to work on time, sleeping late on weekends.

When the #@%$ did I become a morning person?

Several years ago, I started going to morning recovery group meetings. This was due to a peculiar schedule at work that made it impossible to get to evening meetings. To my surprise, the meetings were much better-- more focused on recovery rather than whining. So I continued this, getting up just in time to dash to the meeting, often late (I am still notorious for lateness to the morning meetings.)

Then a friend at these meetings introduced me to The Artist's Way... Morning Pages. So, I got up even earlier, to do those. (Just as late to the recovery meetings, though.)

Then I got a dog. Up even earlier to do Morning Pages, then walk the dog before the recovery group meetings...

Then I got my own place. Free from having to worry about waking people up, I am now up at alarmingly tiny hours, doing e-mail, blogging, writing, video edting, writing morning pages, walking the dog, going to recovery group meetings...

I like it. Some days I've done 6 hours of ...stuff... before I ever get to my workplace.

It makes it hard to do the holiday season, where parties are scheduled late for people who DON'T get up early, though.

BTW, don't ever think that getting up early is EASY for me. It involves a loud alarm clock, a computer that starts playing Scottish rock-and-roll, a waiting triple espresso, a light therapy visor, dietary supplements, and much cursing. It's just worth it.

Posted at 07:03 AM Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |