Tue - August 26, 2008

Food recovery status 8/26/08


A few notes before I dash to work:
  • My knees are almost back to normal. I am awaiting the arrival of a two DVD set, Intu-Flow, which I decided to try based on Elsie's experience. We'll see if it helps on the exercise front.
  • The food has gotten a bit sloppy over the last week. I'm now bingeing on fats rather than sugars... but I'm beginning to wonder if the trade-off is "pure Zone, but kinda depressed" v. "carb at night, but hungry next day." Blah. I will focus on cleaning up the food for a week and see what occurs. The good news is that my weight loss trend slope has flattened to something I'm more comfortable with.
  • SFO pix still in process...

Posted at 08:01 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - August 20, 2008

A brief check-in:


Knee problems are plaguing my attempts at climbing the Fitness Ladder. I need to find another strength training program. Something that consumes minimal time, and can be done anywhere without equipment would be favorite... Suggestions are welcome.

And as well, I found that I needed to change my bedtime snack from a Zone diet snack to a bedtime carb as suggested by DesMaisons. Vivid dreams since starting the carb have convinced me that serotonin levels were way low.

Photos from San Francisco have arrived-- Younger Son came through! I'm preparing a post, but it's still a rough draft.

More later... gotta get ready for work as incredibly perky carpool driver arriving soon...

Posted at 07:03 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Sun - August 10, 2008

Hacker's Diet Chart for July 2008


Hacker's Diet Online
Here is my formal chart for July. I've chosen to use flags to mark linear interpolation of missing values.

Note the startling drop beginning at July 21, the day after I started the Zone diet. On July 20, I used the estimate of my lean body mass to put my block requirements at 11 blocks per day (approx. 120 calories/block). I nudged that up slightly on July 21 to 12 blocks per day after seeing that at my percentage body fat (large) I needed to allow for more activity. (It just takes more muscle and energy to move all that fat up and down the stairs every day.) I've kept at that level from July 22 until yesterday.

Yesterday, I looked at my current charts and trends. Despite bounces up and down, the trend has remained at 2 to 2.5 pounds weight loss per week. Not one diet authority, not even Barry Sears, recommends such a rapid weight loss. Further, I recall from my only supervised attempt at weight loss (after giving birth to Older Son) that the nutritionist was startled at how many calories I could eat and still lose weight...

OK, so my metabolism is way high for some reason. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Even though my lean body mass isn't slipping, I chose yesterday to increase the number of blocks I'm eating daily to 13. If after two or three weeks, the weight loss hasn't slowed to about 1.5 pounds per week, I'll add in another block and see how it goes.

Posted at 08:48 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - August 6, 2008

Progress -- I am now a Sessile Sea Predator


My trip to San Francisco (pix to be published sometime next week) seems to have slowed down my weight loss. This is neither good nor bad, just an interesting datum; I balanced my meals to the best of my ability, but I still have trouble judging portions when eating out. The nice thing about working with the Zone diet is the attitude that one is at most one meal away from "the Zone;" therefore, a miscalculation or even deliberate slip doesn't mean starting over.

No drama of starting over?? Pooh. Beating myself up over an extra almond and using that as an excuse for a serious cookie binge is one of my favorite sports.

Meanwhile, I've progressed to Rung 2 of the Hacker's diet fitness ladder, which I've named "Sessile Sea Predator." With an investment of about 5 minutes a day (at these levels) maybe I can get enough strength and wind back to go backpacking again someday...

Posted at 10:56 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Tue - August 5, 2008

Rung 1= Out-of-shape jellyfish


The Hacker's Diet exercise plan has "rungs". There are far too many of them, ranging from 1 ("Out-of-shape jellyfish") to 48 ("I'm Batman.")

Despite biking, I started last week at "Out-of-shape jellyfish". I hope to move up to 2 ("sessile sea predator") tomorrow.

And my apologies to all real jellyfish and sessile sea predators, who are in much better shape than I.

Posted at 11:14 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Mon - August 4, 2008

Plain old boring exercise


Hiking and biking may deserve their own topic, but plain old boring exercise, such as the exercise program suggested in The Hacker's Diet, doesn't.

On the other hand, I did my entire exercise routine in the middle of the waiting area at San Francisco International yesterday. Pushups, running in place, jumping jacks.... all of it. Plus stretching. And I didn't get a ticket for Gross Fat Bouncing, nor indeed did anyone particularly notice (or they were just too polite and/or astonished to say anything.)

This is a new level of courage for me. A gym -- sure! No problem. I figure all those skinny muscular people were fat once; that's why they're there and that's why they're skinny. Bike with my fat hanging off the saddle -- hey, we're all just trying to commute here in L.A. But doing calisthenics IN PUBLIC? My departed mother (maysherestinpeace) would break out in hives.

This one's for you, Mom.

Posted at 07:54 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Sun - July 27, 2008

Food Recovery Gratitude


This started out as a very snarky blog entry. But as I wrote, I realized how inappropriate that was. Each of the books/authors/tools that I was being snarky about in fact had provided me with valuable wisdom. No one of them, however, has provided a complete solution. Instead of snarling at each thing that was incomplete, I decided that it was time to acknowledge how much I owed to each:
My Higher Power and my original recovery fellowship
Without these, I would have been dead of alcoholism long ago. My fellowship supports me still, and my HP holds me in the hollow of his metaphorical hand.
The loyal readers of this blog
Who keep on reading my BS and providing support and encouragement.
Elsie
Who has shared her wisdom regarding Radiant Recovery, and who sent me a ton of materials thereon - THANKS! I'm already using them.
Frederick Bailes, author of "Hidden Power for Human Problems"
Who taught me a new way to relate to my Higher Power.
Katherine DesMaisons, author of "Potatoes not Prozac"
Who showed me that so much of my behavior is biochemical, not psychological, and provided methods for dealing with it, in particular eating for optimum emotional health.
Barry Sears, author of "Enter the Zone"
For showing me how to eat for optimum physical health.
John Walker, author of "The Hacker's Diet"
For providing a tool to make weight loss and weight maintenance easier, even when my emotions are (biochemically or otherwise) bat-crap crazy.
Scott Sulak, author of numerous self-hypnosis CDs
For providing a way to get positive affirmations burned into my brain that's much more efficient than writing or reciting them. I credit his CDs with ameliorating my TMJ and with my current willingness to exercise.
To all, my heartfelt thanks.

Posted at 10:41 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Fri - July 25, 2008

Confession time...


Yesterday was a bad day in Food Plan Land. Ironically, it was not eating enough carbs with breakfast (the first time I'd eaten out on my new food plan. I estimated wrong.) I had planned my lunch and afternoon snack lighter than usual to allow myself more at my breakfast out... net result: I was hungry from about 10am until dinner at 7:30pm.

The good news: a) I didn't use this as an excuse to eat everything in sight (and that's a lot at my office... people constantly bring in goodies, and my department has an official Goodie Pantry Pool...); b) after a normal plan dinner I felt MUCH better; and c) this morning I feel WONDERFUL. I'm dancing, singing, blogging....

My lessons: First, balance is CRITICAL. If I mess up the protein/carb balance either way, I'm going to feel it. Second, I am quite possibly better off with a lighter breakfast and a heartier lunch. Third, given how hard a few carb grams hit me and the rate at which I've been losing pounds (v. fast) I may need to INCREASE my total food intake. I will be watching this to see if the rate of losing pounds slows any.

Posted at 08:19 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - July 23, 2008

Finding my own path.


I'm wandering further and further from the Seven Steps of Radiant Recovery, I fear.

It's not that I don't believe those seven steps work... I'm just really not comfortable with them. The gradual movement towards cleaning up my food -- it's just Not How We Do These Things in my primary substance recovery groups. Maybe the gradual way is easier/better, but I got sober at a time when no one went to rehab, unless the state put you in the mental hospital. You just didn't use your substance. No matter what. You sweated it out. You called people. You consumed horrible sweet concoctions so that the withdrawal of alcohol/drugs didn't put you into convulsions. While I didn't convulse, I looked like death warmed over, and I didn't sleep for two weeks.

Once you're physically clean off your substance, then you start working on emotional recovery so that you don't go back. At least, that's how I learned it.

I want my food to be clean, already. And I want a clearly defined food plan that doesn't morph through seven stages, that's flexible enough to deal with almost any eating situation, and yet that gives me enough structure so that I can look at a meal and say, "That's a clean meal," or "That's not a clean meal."

And that's what I believe I've found, for me, in Barry Sears' Zone eating plan.

Nothing in Sears' work contradicts DesMaison; indeed, they are complements. A Zone-favorable meal resembles nothing so much as DesMaison's recommended eating plan for weight loss (although DesMaison's bedtime potato would give Sears the creeps.) But the advantage for me is that the Zone is quantified. It's clear how much I should be eating, and of what. Yet, it's totally flexible for social situations, and for physical situations (e.g. I either really start working out and need more food, or I become ill, lose muscle mass and therefore need less).

I started eating according to the Zone plan on Saturday. I've had no cravings. No hunger. No withdrawal. No crabbiness. Before the infection hit me Monday afternoon, I was singing at work. Yeah, it takes some time and effort to calculate the correct ratio of carbs/protein/fat, but I'm sure it will become second nature soon.

And I'm happier, because I KNOW what I'm supposed to be eating, and I KNOW that my food is clean. Now. Not several months from now.

Even better, Younger Son has joined me in the Zone. He wouldn't even bother with Potatoes not Prozac; even though he knew he was sugar-sensitive, the concept of a slow detox with accompanying journaling did not interest him at all. But he is full of enthusiasm for the Zone, and that counts for a lot.

Right now, my plan is to follow the Zone recommendation strictly for at least two weeks; if at that time I feel depressed, I'll change the Zone bedtime snack to a bedtime potato. As far as I can tell, that is the ONLY qualitative difference between the two eating plans (at least, the final stage DesMaison plan).

Posted at 09:35 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Tue - July 22, 2008

Food diary at least partly solved...


I found a Google Gadget that enables me to keep track of food online. It doesn't record the emotional stuff, but at least I'm using it.

Posted at 08:11 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - July 16, 2008

Still on the path...


...not that there haven't been a few rocks in it.

The three meals/day are now supplemented with a bite or two of protein in the long gap between lunch at noon and 7 pm, when I get to eat supper. I've even been moving more towards green things (by having an enormous salad with protein in) for at least one meal a day. Pants are -- well, not quite so tight. And if I actually get a good night's sleep, I don't get sleepy in the afternoon. Onward and downward...

I picked up a new book by Julia Cameron, "The Writing Diet: Write Yourself Right-Size." Not surprisingly, Morning Pages and the culinary equivalent of Artist's Dates figure prominently. She also suggests journaling every time one eats. It seems I can't escape DesMaison's Step Two.

[sigh]

I may yet try it. After all, I have everything to lose... At least Cameron's format doesn't have a format. I was not thrilled about the four-column stuff in DesMaison.

Posted at 07:55 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Thu - July 10, 2008

Day 4


If withdrawal is to hit, it will hit today or tomorrow. So far, my only symptom is a disruption of my sleep patterns. A bad enough symptom, to be sure, which can lead to grouchiness, and a head that is screaming at me for an afternoon snack. So far, a lunchtime nap has worked to keep me upright -- but no such opportunity today, as my new department at work is taking me out for a (belated) birthday lunch, according to department custom.

The lunch itself should be no problem, as the restaurant is "California style" which means lots of salads and even occasional whole grains available. I might even be able to score a double espresso...

I am looking forward to "getting clean" a lot. I've put Artist's Way on hold largely because of my complete inability to adhere to the contract requiring "excellent self-care." I could no longer kid myself that afternoon raids on the candy machine, cafeteria, etc. coupled with lack of exercise, constituted excellent self-care. I'd like to start it over.

Posted at 07:10 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - July 9, 2008

Ignoring Sponsor's Advice.


Elsie commented: "...you're setting yourself up here again for failure and disappointment. If you want to suffer withdrawal, you're certainly welcome to it, but there really is a better way."

I don't have anything to say in response that doesn't sound like "Yeah, but..." I know Elsie understands. I know she's been down the seven-step path. I know she's achieved what I want to achieve.

I am behaving like every newcomer I've ever sponsored in alcohol recovery. Stubborn and arrogant, each went her own way and ignored my experience in some aspect. They suffered unnecessarily.

A few stayed sober anyway. The important thing was that as sponsor, by reviewing all I had learned, I stayed sober.

So, yes, I acknowledge that there is a better way. That I am choosing to suffer unnecessarily. That I am currently ignoring your advice.

Please don't give up on me, Elsie.

Posted at 06:49 AM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Tue - July 8, 2008

Climbing Out of the Cage?


Yes, I'm eating breakfast within an hour of waking up.

I've also skipped the journaling step and gone to 3 meals per day, with a complex carb snack at night, and dropped sweets. Cold turkey.

This is not to negate the Seven Steps plan, it's just that I couldn't take feeling miserable anymore. I couldn't take spending half my afternoons at work grazing anymore. I couldn't take getting fatter so that I can't even fit the few clothes I can still wear -- anymore. Detox no longer scares me. Getting fatter scares me. Falling asleep mid-afternoon scares me. Looking at myself -- and imagining myself back on the operating table, watching my heart in the triplicate monitors while the doctors do horrible things to it via my femoral artery... that scares me.

I'm tired of living in fear.

However -- I begin to understand why I do. I found this article about C57 v. DBA mice on the Radiant Recovery website (C57 mice act like sugar addicts; DBA mice act like "normies".) The part that got my attention was:
In a situation called defeat-induced learned submission, the DBAs looked for an escape, while the C57's crouched, became immobile and defensive. Defeat-induced learned submission comes from a release of beta-endorphin.
I don't know how many hours I've spent in therapy. Always the therapist asks, "Why do you put yourself back in [insert miserable situation here]? What's the payoff?" And I'd dutifully articulate a payoff, but deep inside I knew it was bullpucky. I just wasn't sure how it was bullpucky. It was the best answer I could give at the time. But it WAS bullpucky, and I have long since given up on therapy because, not surprisingly, it just wasn't working.

Now I know. Being in a miserable situation, feeling trapped, blaming anyone and anything but me IS the payoff. Feeling trapped in and of itself generates the beta endorphin hit without needing to look anywhere else. THAT'S the payoff.

It explains so very much. And of course, it's an "entry drug"; when just feeling trapped stops paying off, I turn to food, and before I stopped practicing my other addictions, those as well. People in recovery groups know this (without necessarily knowing the biochemical basis) -- that's why "isolating" is considered so dangerous, especially when recovery is still new. You get those endorphins going from feeling trapped, self-pitying, and resentful and soon enough you want something stronger...

Yuck.

It explains why I seek out tight deadlines and feel let down after I meet them. It explains... ah, heck, it explains 90% of my unpleasant behavior.

Now, we'll see if I can actually take this knowledge and DO something about my behavior.

Posted at 07:17 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Wed - June 25, 2008

Breakfast still a struggle....


I'm still having problems with actually eating breakfast within an hour of getting up...

It doesn't help that it takes me half an hour, often, to actually get out of bed-- does that count?

...Probably.

Posted at 10:07 PM   Permalink | | Spoilers (if any) | |

Breakfast Revisisted

Food Journal -- Dang.

Back to Basics - June goal.

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