| I've been collecting these quotes for years. Usually I'll note one because I think it's funny or sharp. The collection has grown and grown, and here, for the first time publicly, I'm publishing it for all to enjoy. They're great for all occasions, and please feel free to use them yourself, in your e mail sig, for example, or in general conversation, should you deem it appropriate. The order that the quotes appear in is the reverse order that I collected them in - newest first. I thought this the most apt. Enjoy! |
"It is only poverty that makes celebacy contemptable. A single woman of good fortune is always respectable."
Gwyneth Paltrow as "Emma" |
"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining."
Ann Frank |
"No one expected a girl to fix a tractor or a car but if she did, she'd enjoy a certain rarefied notoriety among the blokes. A man who made a cake needed to be in posession of great inner fortitude."
Elliot Bernard - from Neal Drinnan's "Quill" |
"... this is Australia; you'd only have to take a ride to the top of the Empire State Building and you'd have an internationally recognised doctorate in altitudinal semiotics."
Teresa - from Neal Drinnan's "Quill" |
"Pain is easy to write. In pain we are all drably individual"
Maurice Bendix - The End of the Affair |
"There are moments, I think, when you actually feel your life changing, when you can all but hear the clumsy clank and bang of fate's machinery."
Armistead Maupin - from The Night Listener
|
"We should not accept the oppression of information technology. It is time to rise to the defense of humanity in the age of machines. Users of the Web, unite at the useful sites: You have nothing to lose but your download delays."
Jakob Neilsen - Designing Web Usability - Best of Times or Worst of Times
|
"... homosexuality is a discipline the advanced study of which necessitates [...] it's own trancendence which is why all serious students finally dispense with terminology altogether, and focus their attentions solely on the particulars of human lives."
- from "Martin Bauman" by David Levitt |
"... wiriting, it seemed, though it might begin as a way out of the self, finally let one back into it."
- from "Martin Bauman" by David Levitt |
"The condom is the glass slipper of our generation ... you slip one on when you meed a stranger, you dance all night, then you throw it away ..."
- Marla - Fight Club |
"What's the point of being young and beautiful if not to keep men waiting???"
- Will - Autumn in New York |
"I have got more money than sense - I've just got no sense!!!"
- Neal being Neal |
"I'm not as good as I should be - but not as bad as I could be!"
- Kevin Hobson |
"Women are too complex. Men are pathetic, but at least you know where you stand."
- From "Bedrooms and Hallways" |
"I wish you'd told me I was breaking you in ... I'd have stayed awake!"
- Tom, "Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie", upon discovering his trade was a virgin |
"I'm sorry, but I have no time for dead people!"
- Troy, Undertaker |
"How do you do your head in?!"
- Max to Sheldon |
"If we have no arms, how will we tie our shoes?!"
"Buy slip-ons!"
- Enlightened discussion from the cottage wall at the Imperial Hotel, Sydney, Australia |
"You don't have to take it up the kazoo to be creative - but it helps!"
- Elliot - Hit and Runway |
"Camp?! I'm not 'camp', I'm 'effeminate'. 'Camp' is put-on, but 'effeminate', dear, is natural!"
- Jai |
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin |
"He's good ... I mean, he's really good ... I'm better, but he's trainable!"
Roz on Bulldog - Frasier
|
"Everybody we know's got summink in common. We got 'common' in common!
Sharon - Birds of a Feather |
- "Excuse me, can I have my coffee without cream?"
- "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any cream, you'll have to have it without milk."
A restaurant exchange recounted by Maureen Lipman |
"I've never seen her in my life before - but hasn't she put weight on?"
Zelma Lipman |
"Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get when you don't."
Peter Seeger via Maureen Lipman |
| "It's a type of fascism to assume that only a certain type of person would suit you. It's naivety and ignorance ... Why do we thank we're attracted to human beings, and what actually goes on, when we are attracted, but above all when we become addicted to the person and we experience and ust them as a drug, why do we relate this to the concept of love? Why do we love a person? It's a very small package to be attracted to somebody - nice mouth, shape of body, sound of orgasm ...
Gossip is the glue that sticks society together and it renders things significant which aren't, it's one's whole disposition to life that makes the feel of a situation significant, and any relationship is interesting.
If one thousand people were lined up here now, it would be reasonable to entertain the notion that you would be attracted to one of them. That would mean that in relation to the present population, if you are attracted o one in a thousand people, you are profoundly attracted to 13 1/2 million people. As a result of a sneeze on a number 28 bus to the Kilburn High Road, you bump into one of them, make an extraordinary fuss, instantly excluding all the other equally valid 13 1/2 million possibilities.
Everyone is interesting, it's just one's own personal capacity ..."
Robert Lencauwitz - Painter |
"I'm all for spontaneity, I just need a few days notice, that's all ..."
Faith - Second Thoughts |
"What's the rush? I want our lovemaking to be a voyage of discovery - not a number 32 bus trip to the chip shop!"
Bill - Second Thoughts |
"... no, women form an impression - men shake hands ..."
Gary - ThirtySomething |
It's tough playing James Bond in an Abbot and Costello world, isn't it?
Hope - ThirtySomething |
"Sex without love is like a Chinese meal - after an hour it's forgotten."
ThirtySomething |
"Reality is overrated."
Mel - ThirtySomething |
"Nobody told me that when I met Mr Right his first name was gonna be 'always'."
Lily Savage |
"The only way you can avoid looking dated is never to be fashionable"
Petula Clark |
"I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe - I'm the system's BITCH!"
Drew Carey |
"Suppose now I'll have to walk 'round the house with a face like a slapped arse 'till Thursday ..."
Sharon on the demise of her fabricated friend 'Gripper' - Birds of a Feather |
"I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced ..."
Bulldog - Fraiser
|
"These people drive me crazy.
Everybody drives me crazy.
Except my friends ..."
David Howard |
"There are MILLIONS of men and women [out there] and men can have men and women can have women and women can have men. I really don't see why people should fight because they think they've lost a couple on the way ..."
Anonymous - The Lido [Modern Times] |
"I'm sorry I sound calm, but I assure you I'm completely hysterical!"
from A Night On Earth |
"I know you can't run away from your problems - but why can't you FLATTEN them with a 10 ton truck?!?"
Clarissa |
"We're all basically primeval slime with ideas above it's station."
Tom Baker as Dr Who |
"I most certainly am not a bigot! I hate bigots on principle!"
Neil Copland - Surgical Spirit |
"Oh great! I suppose they just put a different lightbulb in, then?!"
Lee Dunford upon discovering that the pub night he was attending was 'men only'
|
"Imagine being so mad and stupid that even Americans could spot it!"
Dave on Dan Quakle - Drop the Dead Donkey |
"Twelve quid an hour?! I'd wear my knickers on my head for twelve quid an hour ..."
Julie Pond selling her dignity |
"It's not a question of female physiology. It's a question of whether or not my TITS have shrunk!?! (Silly arse ...)"
Nicola |
"Just one chance to miss the toilet - that's all I ask for!"
Amy Mann on her stop-go-stop-go recording career |
"People who don't explore other relationships end up becoming ... my parents!"
Darlene Conner - Roseanne |
"Nature's all very well and good - but we mustn't allow her to make things too untidy."
Miss Flora Post - Cold Comfort Farm |
"Ninety-nine percent of people in the world are fools. The rest of us are in danger of contagion"
Anonymous |
"Maybe somebody should've labelled the future 'Some Assembly Required'"
Michael Garibaldi - Babylon 5 2259 |
"Change makes me nauseous. Thank god I wasn't alive when they switched Darrins on Bewitched!"
Parker Lewis |
"It won't be fun. It'll be the opposite of fun. It'll be ... GOLF!"
Ellen |
"Instant gratification takes too LONG ...!"
Susanne - Postcards from the Edge
|
"Love is love. Gender is merely spare parts."
Geoffrey - The Sisters Rosensweig |
"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."
Paul Dennis |
"It's not easy writing songs. Tracks are nothing - songs are a big deal."
David Morales |
"I wouldn't be seen dead in the same cemetery as you!"
Kate Swift - Class Act |
"How do men survive without being women?"
Kate Swift - Class Act |
"Housework is like bad sex - every time I do it, I swear I'll NEVER do it again!"
Lulu - Can't Stop The Music |
"... desire often outstrips performance, or comes too late to be of any use."
Simon Burt from 'Good Fortune' |
"I forgive you for being perfect - but do you have to be boring as well?"
Anglia - Luv |
"What's the most dangerous animal on earth? An intelligent, angry woman."
Susan Powder |
"All human beings connect sex with love ... 'cept for men ..."
Roseanne |
"It's always nice to have someone to ignore ..."
Tammy - So Haunt Me |
"I have tried very hard to like you - thank GOD I didn't manage it!!!"
Margorie - Surgical Spirit |
"I'm stuck in a farce and all the doors are jammed shut!"
Diana Trent - Waiting for God |
"Am I in your nightmare or are you in mine?"
Marion - Waiting for God |
"The gay person is one of a small group of people who is granted the privilege of looking at society from the outside. They see it's beauty, it's ugliness, it's mistakes and it's madness. As it were, like an astronaut sees the Earth, as a whole rather than a viewpoint dependent on their involvement."
The Coming out of Gerald by Mick Carter |
"Reality's leaking again ..."
Diana Trent - Waiting for God |
"Men! They're only good for one thing - leaving the seat UP!"
Sandy - Nurses |
"If 'common sense' were common, we'd be living in a different world ..."
The Macintosh Bible |
"Carefully nurtured paranoia is all that keeps some of us going ..."
Diana Trent - Waiting for God |
"She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down ..."
Phyllis Diller on her mother-in-law |
"Real men do it with the lights on ..."
Lawford Clough |
- "I've got an answer for everything!"
- "What of it?"
Nicola and Sheldon
|
"For once in my life I'd love to have an affair go on the rocks AFTER the passion wears off ..."
Laurel - Torch Song Trilogy |
"It's all downhill after 35 innit? Just as your brain gets an idea of what's what, your body starts taking the piss ..."
Frank Stubbs - Frank Stubbs Promotes ... |
"It's just as well it wasn't as bad as it was!"
Lee |
"Money isn't everything - but it'll do until everything comes along ..."
Anonymous |
"Just because I'm out-numbered doesn't make me wrong does it?"
Tom - The Good Life |
"Will you gerroff! I can't 'ere nuffink wiv your big fat breaf in me ear'ole"
Trace - Birds Of A Feather |
"We are so screwed that the LIGHT from screwed takes a billion years to get here ..."
Roseanne |
"That's the trouble with do-it-yourself - it sometimes does it back..."
Tom - The Good Life |
"Luxury and I are mutually attracted!"
Gerry - The Good Life |
"... they have an all-gay army now - we haven't won any wars, but the parades are FABULOUS!"
Sophia - The Golden Girls, as The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be |
"I never thought things would ever get this FUNNY!!!!!"
Nicola |
"Being well-informed is just a stones throw from being boring and stones will be thrown."
Quinten Crisp from How To Be A Virgin
|
"If I had a trumpet, I'd blow a fanfare!"
Sam - On The Up |
"Just when you think that things are never, ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse ...!"
Victor Meldrew |
"I'm a pretty good judge of people - that's why I hate all of 'em!"
Roseanne |
"It takes two to be co-dependant!"
Cliff Claven - Cheers |
"If I had sat here for 24 hours, it would never have occurred to me to eat a carnation ...!"
Sheila Sabbotini - Surgical Spirit |
- "... he's an idiot!"
- "He must be good-looking,"
- "Why?"
- "Because no-one invites an ugly idiot into their bedroom!"
'Bubba' - Broadcast News |
"I've wasted time, now time wastes me ..."
Shakespeare via Young Master Rampling |
"I'll never be able to live with myself when I'm dead ..."
Carol - Nights |
"Apathy kills!
(So what?)"
Anonymous
|
" ... life is awful enough, without being bloody unhappy as well ..."
"I suppose stupid people are too stupid to realise they're stupid ..."
Lily - The Clothes in the Wardrobe |
"She doesn't know her arse from Christmas ..."
Sandor - Gallowglass |
"The New Year is ... a holiday version of the exclamation mark."
Linda Gibson with the 'January blues' |
"Men! Give them a rope and they'll dig their own graves ..."
Valerie - Earth Girls Are Easy |
"I don't want to spend the night in the toilet with a man I don't know ... strange as I may seem ..."
Anonymous - The Sex Hunters |
"That's all anybody wants, isn't it? That feeling of being safe with somebody."
Michael Tolliver - Tales of the City
|
"Why have a dog and bark yourself ...?"
Ian Beale - Eastenders |
"I think this time I've bitten off more than I can gag on ..."
Jon - The Living End |
"If I died right now, I'd feel TERRIBLE!"
Annie on neglecting her husband - Nurses |
" ... there hasn't been a baby in our family for centuries ..."
Steve Allen |
"... my biggest fear is that there is no such thing as PMS, and that this is who I really am ..."
Carol Weston - Empty Nest |
"Does it have a 'Ladies' or do I just look for a bucket marked 'hers' ..."
Dorien Greene on Sharon's Caff - Birds of a Feather |
"I would always pay more for music than sex - at least music lasts ..."
Roy |
"There were days ... when that was all the humanity you could expect - that wry, forgiving glance between survivors."
Babycakes - Armistead Maupin |
"I'm not a size queen, but my boyfriend is"
Anonymous |
"Any lesbian or gay man daft enough to join the military deserves to be discriminated against."
Diesel Balaam |
"I was RIGHT! And when you're RIGHT you can be as immature as you wanna be ..."
Roseanne |
"Behind every blond there is, of course, really, a brunette ... and that's just the way life goes - you can't trust anything - but at least if you meet a blonde, enjoy it while it's there ..."
Coping With Cupid |
"Catholics believe in forgiveness - Jews believe in GUILT!!"
Angels in America |
"Barbican is horrible, isn't it ...?"
Anonymous Tourist |
"I aspire to bum-fluff"
Mark [on his beard or lack thereof]
|
"... like a 'barking pumpkin' ..."
Nicole Bradford on her looks - My Two Dads |
"I'm in paradise ... lost ... found ... or rented ...!"
Gareth |
"Reverse that skidaddle ..."
Laverne Todd - Empty Nest
|
"Oooooh! You gutty cow ..."
Sandra |
"If we didn't settle for less every once in a while, me and you would be married to other people ..."
Roseanne
|
"I have to get my VIBRATOR drunk ..."
Joan Rivers |
"This piece of crap out-craps all our other pieces of crap!"
Roseanne |
"Surprising? Not really ..."
Taffy Turner |
"Dying's alright, it's the general anesthetic I didn't like ..."
Jamie Truly, Madly, Deeply |
"I'm agog with disinterest ..."
Bill - Second Thoughts |
"The only place you'll find sympathy is in a dictionary between 'shit' and 'syphilis'!"
Terry Christian's Gran |
"... you exceed your own standard for self-preoccupation."
Jean-Luc Picard to - Q - Star Trek TNG |
".... worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory!"
Dr Paul Flammond - Top Secret! |
"I think ... therefore I'm over-qualified ..."
Judy Tenuta |
"The world's gone mad, and I'm going to bed!"
Lord Meldrum - You Rang M'Lud
|
"It's better to be between a rock and a hard place than to be between two rocks ..."
Lee Wittenburg |
"I've never met an application I couldn't crash!"
Anonymous |
"Who are you to judge me??!?"
Dorothy - The Golden Girls |
| "You made hundreds of compromises today ..."
"... the whole of the modern British state is founded on the repression of homosexuality ..."
Derek Jarman |
"I still can't come to terms with the fact that people make love without me ..."
Bolton - Poison |
"There is no point, just varying degrees of pointlessness ..."
Nicola |
"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, expect nothing."
Nicola's Grandfather |
"Your limitations are boundless ..."
"I'm disgusted by all this male bondage ..."
Whitley and Freddie - A Different World |
"I don't want a man I want a LIFE ...!"
Kalia Procopiou in a fit of misery
|
"It's an established fact that people who go around suspecting vice in others are highly suspect themselves ..."
Guy Bennett - Another Country |
"I was born in a log cabin I helped my father to build ..."
Nikki Paige - Over My Dead Body |
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sheldonking.com > eZINE > "quotes"
