(2006-06-13) — Republican electoral prospects in November appeared bleaker than ever this week after U.S. forces allowed al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to die in their custody and President George Bush’s close friend and adviser Karl Rove fanned the flames of conspiracy theories by preventing a special prosecutor from charging him with any wrongdoing in the CIA leak investigation.

White House sources failed to return phone calls last night, in a virtual communication lockdown, as the Bush administration hunkered down to figure out how to cope with the latest breaking news.

In five appearances before a grand jury Mr. Rove employed what one source called “his Jedi mind tricks.”

“But it was all for nothing,” the unnamed source said, “Since the lack of charges against him will only confirm America’s worst fears — that Karl Rove controls everything.”...

BREAKING:  THREAT OF ROVE INDICTMENT REMAINS IMMINENT, IF BY “IMMINENT” ONE MEANS “IT WON’T HAPPEN, BUT JASON LEOPOLD IS ABOUT TO GO ON A SAVAGE TEQUILA BENDER BEFORE BEGGING HIS OLD HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER EDITOR FOR A JOB, WRITING, OH, SAY, EXPOSES ON NUTRITIONALLY-DEFICIENT CAFETERIA FOOD OR SOME SUCH”