So - September 19, 2004

surprises sometimes come through the back door


Three hours ago:

Now: m u c h better!!!

What an utterly pleasant surprise! Totally unexpected and sweet - just swept me off my feet.
I think I need to sleep and see that it's still true when I wake up before I can believe it!

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In total darkness, one photon is enough to light up your world.

Posted at 11:37 Uhr     Read More  


Fr - September 17, 2004

She's dead, and I think my instinct warned me. But I didn't listen.


I just got the notice: My grandmother died today, shortly after 14.00 o'clock in the afternoon. No-one bothered to tell us that she was in the hospital, not to mention in what condition. Now the funeral lady called in to inform the only daughter, my mother, that a cremation is planned and to express her condolence, or whatever the reason was for calling.

In the past years, since my grandmother suffered Korsakoff from massive drinking due to her abusive boyfriend who, by the way is a racist and violent, too, our relationship had suffered badly. Still, I loved her, and still love her, for what she has been to me before her breakdown. You see, Korsakoff is to alcoholic induced brain damage (Corpora mammillaria blown up) and leads to anterograde and retrograde amnesia, damage of the short term memory, Konfabulation (inventing of stories and believing in them yourself) and the like.
Her boyfriend, however, always made sure that her contact to us, her family, would be as little as possible, and as bad as possible when it would happen. He brainwashed her to believe he was her only support, and abused her. Although she used to be a very independant woman, she gave in to his manipulations. I guess, after being a lone widow for so many years, strong and independent, she had the desire to lean on someone; at least that's the very insufficient explanation I could think of.

Anyway, I didn't listen to my instinct.
Yesterday on my way back from the LPA, I suddenly thought I should contact her again, because if I wouldn't, I might not have another chance if she suddenly died. I then thought by myself, that, in case she died without me having spoken to her, I'd still not have lost everything. Because of her condition, she remembers badly, sometimes twists what happened and mostly forgets it very quickly. It would have only been nice for me to know I have seen her again, I realized, as her brain was too destroyed to really benefit from those meetings and she'd probably forget. And I thought, all while sitting in the S-Bahn driving home, that I'd always remember her as the good person and fantastic grandmother she had been for me for so many years of my life, before she became a wreck. I'm very happy that I managed to better our relationship after the outfall in 1998.
(At that time her boyfriend attacked and injured me quite badly, displacing a couple of vertebraes in my neck, but she took his side and the family was split for a few years, all full of grim anger and sadness. I was so disappointed that she left me, because I was her favourite grandchild and we visited her every weekend as far as I can remember in my life. In the beginning I was so angry that I wished she was dead, for that had been easier to deal with than having her turn her back on me. But after realizing that we were all suffering I decided to contact her again and make the best out of it, to create a situation i could live with without damaging my own life and mental health. She was already affected by the alcohol, and her brain was not as good as before, but it was the best i could get, so I had to accept it. I did it for myself, and for her).
Of course now I wonder if I should have called her yesterday when I got this strange sudden thought. Of course I regret it. But not that much that I want to grieve over it forever. I know I can't change that I didn't call her, and I know everything could have been different *had* I just called and maybe gotten told that she's in hospital. You never know that because her boyfriend and her official person in charge, appointed to her by the court, often withheld information from us, for example when she had broken her femur and the like.
I am really sad. But I know that I can't change the way of things. I will regret I didn't answer my instinct's call yesterday, but I won't overdo it. I don't even know if she was awake in the last days, and I'll probably never know why she died, as the doctors are not obliged to tell us; how ridiculous. We're blood related! But in case of her, everything that could impossibly happen happened. No justice, no reasonable decisions, nothing. Those involved will know what I mean, and it's a long long story I'm tired of telling.
So I will mourn now. I want to see her but they have no staff to let us into the pathology over the weekend, no one has the keys except the emergency service. How ridiculous is that again?! So anyone who dies tonight will stay in his room? I don't think so, but I won't go there as it just aggravates my anger and doesn't help anyone.
I have forgiven her some time ago, after I realized that her brain was mush and she really looked at everything with some kind of very ironic innocence. Ironic because she didn't understand what had changed, for her the whole catastrophic incidence with her friend injuring me didn't happen...or did it? She just woke up to her family being somewhat distanced, but why...once she knew... how very strange...
So I saved the memory of the good times, which were plenty, and tried to be as forgiving as I could. Difficult thing and reason for the very rare visits was that my attacker still lived with her. He was probably drinking a beer when she died, as it was his main occupation. He wasn't very caring. He was just evil, but no one saw. We saw it late ourselves. he managed to talk every judge into believing he was one devoted partner and there while her family was rotten and manipulative. Never underestimate the cleverness of the dull - sometimes they win with their tricks.

We're a very peaceful family, no domestic violence ever, not even a slap on the head. Civilized and well behaved. Arguments are solved verbally. Always. Exclusively. Oh, but if I'd see him now, I'd punch my fist right into his face. But I can't do that, because I'd probably get convicted and banned from working as a doctor. How fantastic, not even the revenge is mine. He's one bloody fuckhead, and I will not let him rule my life even more. It's not about forgiving him, because I could never do that. I *will* never do that. But I will be able to let it go. I will pass on. That's what I can live with. She passed away now, but I lost my real grandmother long ago. I save her spirit, and pity that and how she lost the right way. It really doesn't matter if her corpse is buried or cremated, as it's just the shell she left with us on earth. I just struggle with myself, because my pride doesn't want Arschfred to win that last battle. But I know it's not the right reason, it's not a battle, and it's not about pride. I'll just have to let go. I will continue crying and mourning, and I'll try not to withhold anything that would accumulate in my soul and harm me in the long term. I don't know how, but I also have to take care of my family, my parents, especially my mother, my little brother, my little sister and to a lesser part, my big sister who can stand on her own much better than the other two, I believe. I want to protect them, and to do that I have to take care of myself. I hope we will overcome this unpleasant and shocking life event with minimal damage and keep no grimness in our hearts.
My brother and me have very important exams to pass in the next two weeks. Hallelujah. Sometimes life is just a piece of crap. But I know it will go on, and I do not need to be religious to think so, to know so. Strength comes from within, and from your dearest -family and friends- around you. Some need the Believe to summon that strength, or to find it within themselves. I respect that, but I do not need it. That is my believe - I believe in myself.

To the psychologically extra smart readers who see ghosts - this is not a shock reaction where someone loses his believe because of unfairness around and against him, it is just my opinion. In my immediate family no one is religious (anymore; they had bad experiences, one in the catholic and one in the evangelic church), and I was brought up free to choose what I want to believe in; also my grandmother wasn't an active christian. So, I don't feel betrayed by god - I *can't* because I don't acknowledge the institutionalized idea. At the latest in my first philosophy lesson I perceived that religion is a construct that many people need to get a grip in life, something to hold on to, something to turn to when they feel lost. A helping construction so to speak. Imaginary. Not more. So don't try to tell me I shouldn't give something up that I didn't have. I do believe in myself, and in recirculating energy that keeps the universe and all life going, and once must have started somehow. I refuse the necessity to give it a name and a function. I also don't think that you can "find your faith/believe", because you either believe, or you don't. But of course everyone must find a way to live his life, and is free to believe whatever he/she wants. No problem on my side... well, tiny one maybe, but only if it comes as far to bother me in a negative way.

I actually lost track of time, and if there was something else I wanted to tell. But then, I just lost someone who was very important to me and while writing this my feelings are still between turmoil and shock. I guess today I'm excused for being incoherent. It's just the thought of her dying alone, without the ones who love her around, wrenches my heart. I'd liked to be there for her. But I hope she knows that.
I guess she does.

Posted at 07:35 Uhr     Read More  

relationship-related


I have reached the next step in my travel up the pagoda of wisdom. But today I realized something.

Funny how I thought I'd reached it already earlier this year, but of course that was naive thinking, hehe. Without going too much into detail, I had a certain sudden thought coming to my mind in late spring, and discarded it because I thought it would hardly be something that couldn't be overcome... and now it struck me! Exactly that thing! Well, always listen to what your instinct tells you. It has so far been right, every single time (sorry for being somewhat very vague, but don't want to offend any of the protagonists). Both times it was the same - I thought, right in the very beginning, that [X] wouldn't work out because of [Y]. And it was true. In retrospective. Yes, stupid me did the same mistake again, but that's the price for being such a slow learner ;-)

I feel much better now that I'm getting over it. There's a very nice autumn coming, and I'll be making sure to get the best out of it. It's like in school, when I had to make a presentation or something. I'm always best on my own! Credit who? Me of course.

Oh yeah, and I got hit with Anatomy and Physiology. Gotta deal with that now.

Posted at 02:58 Uhr     Read More  


Mi - September 15, 2004

saybia


That truly is coming close to a-ha, the danish band is like a-ha in the beginning, a bit more rock, but the same alluring atmosphere, melancholic and touching. They appeared as a-ha's pre-band on the tour, which was a great choice. I say if they don't fuck up royally, they'll be great some day. Thumbs up!

Well, the singer whats-his-name who sports a lovely voice is a bit of a visual turn off compared to Morten Harket, but kinda sweet I guess. Cuddly. As long as he's got a voice like that I don't care :D You got to love the scandinavian singers for the things they do with their voices!

Maybe you know the feeling of being here at that point in your little life, right now, in whatever situation you are, and having that song that accompanies you every day? Or comes to your mind whenever you're thoughtful, moody, needy, whatever? One that spends you a feeling of wellbeing or comfort, or one you identify with? Lots of their songs helped me through the past weeks, so I'd like to post a few bits after my exam. Me likey!

Posted at 04:08 Uhr     Read More  

a-ha


Actually the first and only band I've ever been a hardcore fan of. Wondering why, I guess it's the feeling in their songs. Since I heard the first piece, which happened to be "Take On Me" with the beautiful cartoon video, I've just loved the atmosphere their songs create. And a-ha too grew up, their style changed over the years, and at first I was disappointed they lost the eighties' tunes with the new albums. But I quickly discovered that they had changed for good, in fact, now I come to identify much stronger with the texts. Funny, in the past they have often helped me when I was feeling alone or/and hopeless, and they have been with me when I was happy, too!

Oh, and when I was young I just had deep respect for Morten Harket for having such a beautiful, moving voice and making the best out of it; and of course I took notice of him looking quite attractive - hell, how innocent I was. I always despised the people in my class for just loving the looks of some boy band's members (no! not *those* members, you dirty old wrench!). But now I admit: since I have seen Mr. Harket on stage at the Lifelines Tour 2002 (?), I realized that this is one sexy piece of man-flesh, and from the way he moves I can tell he knows it oh so well! This man keeps his body in good shape, and in tight fitting shirts, luckily for all women and gay men... Can I have those top buttons opened a bit, please? Yesss - he knows exactly how to bring the sweat to a spectator's forehead just by dressing up! Jeez, this man can move gracefully!!! Actually it's enough if he just *stands* and the way he holds his arm makes me swoon, because he's just radiating sexyness! I swear it's evaporating out of his pores!
...hold on a second... where's the tour dvd the promo people promised??? I'm still waiting!

Yeah, enough of that now, but I decided to quote a song, which is none of my favourites because there's that woman singing with him and I don't like the duo too much, but since the text is worthy and comforting me right now, well, here it is.

"Turn your lights down"

turn the lights on, the night is too long
keep yourself warm, i'm coming home
i cannot help you, you yourself must see
decide now what you want to be
turn the lights down, the lights are too strong
i'm coming home

when your down and out, just hold on
realize that nothing lasts long
we must believe the things we can not see
everythings all right with me
turn the lights down, the lights are too strong
i'm coming home

i just want to sleep by your side
it makes me feel so alive
i just want to sleep for a while

turn around the night is still young
realize that things can go wrong --> [but he sings: keep your lights on, I'm coming home]
you must decide now where you want to be
your the one who said to me:
realize that nothing lasts long
i'm coming home

i just want to sleep by your side
it makes me feel so alive

so easy to love from a distance [background]
hard to be near when you can
impossible now to get back to
where we began

i just wanna sleep by your side
it makes me feel so alive
i just wanna sleep by your side
i just wanna sleep through the night

Posted at 04:03 Uhr     Read More  


Mo - September 13, 2004

Oh, and it is true that...


humans aren't able to live in a perfect world - they need difficulties and choose accordingly. In other words: give'em two choices and they'll be eager to take the rocky path. I agree it's sometimes the bravest to do, but there surely are exceptions... (?)

And believe apparently overcomes everything. Except, now I feel like losing mine.

Posted at 10:42 Uhr     Read More  

[numb]


I just l lost the sweetest thing I thought I knew. By own choosing. People say, giving something up can be harder than fighting for it.

I never wanted something that badly before, for it was pure and gave me inner peace in a way I never experienced before. I didn't think it would even exist.
But if it is the one thing that gives happiness... shouldn't it be worth fighting for?
I gave up hoping it would help someone dear to my heart. I hold no regrets, but do not know how to stand it.

The clouds are coming, and the whirlwind...

Posted at 04:59 Uhr     Read More  


Fr - Juli 9, 2004

touchy


I tried and now I'm closing the book. Have loads of more scientific books waiting, and it's more than enough. It's just strange how you think you know people and get strange responses. Or not so unexpected after all, maybe?

I don't think you should make you life difficult. It's such a precious thing and you should make the best out of it. Live your life, enjoy yourself, find someone who takes you as you are, and holds you as close to his heart as you hold him. But don't force it - it's not going to do any good. Enjoy the ultimate safe haven of welcoming arms and a heartbeat close to yours. Share. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and dare to lean on someone when you need it. Offer the same. Don't expect rewards when giving. Don't only live for your job - spend time with the ones you love. Don't regret. Look up and try again. "Versuch's mal mit Gemütlichkeit" (Balu, Jungle Book). Go and sit in the park. Stay in bed and have a lazy breakfast. Laugh. Care. That's how I feel.
I'm not religious, but life is a gift that should be appreciated, as there's no chance to return it and get your money back. I'm sure this list could be extended endlessly, but it's summed up alright.

Posted at 12:22 Uhr     Read More  


Do - Juli 8, 2004

Feeling good


Whoa, just read the entry from 19.5.'04 and realized that I have arrived at the point where I wanted to be... my decision was oh so right, and I'm back into real life, passing all exams and actually taking a liking to my study. I'm relieved and happy to be not worrying anymore. Good old self is back, no, improved self is back. Things are taking a turn for the good :)

I guess no one can see how much it means to me, but I'm so happy to be here right now. I'm usually not the worrying type although I'm easily concerned about my loved ones, but everyone who knows me has seen that I had a tiny crisis (erm....). Since the start of this semester I was just floating through it rather than the enforced dragging that I experienced before. I fear I'm repeating myself, but this semester's just dominated by feel-good-flashs! I have my natural walking antidepressant that keeps me cheered up and drugged in a steady state of well-being. No wonder - I never made friends easily and having one now naturally improves my mood. I always feared I'd stay a lonely outsider, but I think I've grown out of it. Socializing is nice and necessary. Good that I had my share in the last weeks, because the next weeks will be densely packed and my only companions will be books - if I pass biochemistry, but that lies in the near future. I'll shut up now, but I just felt the urge to post some stuff after I was forced to neglect my blog for so long.

Posted at 11:09 Uhr     Read More  


Mi - Mai 19, 2004

:-/


Okay, I do feel miserable right now.

I have just been so very undecided in the last years and that hasn't helped much to improve my life; I think any decision now is better than to keep on walking in a twilight zone. Still I feel as the unfair one, being all selfish. I'm looking forward to the point where I can look back from a more relaxed state and this moment is far in the past.

Posted at 01:05 Uhr     Read More  


Di - Mai 18, 2004

Words from my heart


This started as a plain letter, but it turned into a big blabla about me and what means a lot to me... so I decided to add it into my blog. Pooh, I'm such an soul-exhibitionist... on the other hand I started this blog to let some of my friends far away know what's going on here and how I am. It might be interesting for you to understand me better, but there's no obligation to continue reading if you don't care ;-)

In 2001 I got so clueless, disoriented and sad (the year I met my last boyfriend). Many things came together and I wasn't satisfied with my study. When I finally quit the study in early 2003 I still wasn't happy afterwards.
I remember that Kissi said it would be a normal occurrence to have an identity crisis at some stage, I don't know if at 23-24 is normal or very late statistically, but I guess it doesn't matter.

Independent of that I always liked the feeling of having someone very kind there for me. When we met, I was at a turning point. Beloved dog dead, grandma problems washing up again and with different new aspects, finally finishing off the old relationship, which was so overdue! Then gradually getting more and more fed up with the study and everything turning into confused shite for me over the following months.
So. Now. What now?
I feel I have a chance of getting a grip on my normal life again. I have waited for that so long. When I was in the third semester (the first time in 2001/02) and got so sad and hopeless, I always told myself that it would get better and tried to look forward to that. Usually this works for me, in the past it always did (an example: when I have incredible strong pain I just think of the fact that I'll forget it as soon as it disappears, and that thought keeps me upright and makes me stand the pain better). But the empty feeling remained for the following time, and I was quite unable to enjoy myself as much as I used to. It's so crazy to remember that; all my life I had been a content person who didn't know how it felt to be down (besides being choleric, chronic envious and too negative for many, including both boyfriends ;-) ). The most important: I had never felt without perspective. Then, the winter after meeting T., I felt "hollow", I didn't recognize the happy person on the recent Bali photograph (lying on rock with Katamaran in background) as myself.

What a terrible time. My so declared "holiday" episodes - Bali and the Desert Trip (2001), the time in Denmark (2001/02), even part of the time in QLD (2003) were still shadowed by that. Now I feel fresher again. I don't know when it changed, but thinking about it in this moment, I feel that something basic has changed. I feel able to feel happiness again fully! At least I believe it is so. I hope it is! I'm not remembering the past months like a blur (emotionally), I think I just remember them how I used to (and how every normal person does).
The timespan before - since meeting T. or, should I be fairer, since my dog died (it's maybe unlucky that these two things happened to come together in the timing) - is blurred in my memory. How can I explain it? I remember everything that happened, some things better or worse than others (btw. *that* is normal). But I do not recall purely positive emotions like happiness - or better joy. I was truly joyless for a good part of the last three years. I come to the conclusion that the death of my dog affected me so much that it muted my emotions. I got hurt so much, my eyes still sometimes fill with tears thinking of it. That was the first time when I was really scared. It started a couple of weeks after my dog's passing. I was at the time already emotionally distanced from my still-boyfriend and we didn't really meet anymore, but I had not yet had the balls to finish the relationship. The most important person in my life, the person I feel most connected to and understood by, my mother, was far away in Bali. I remember lying in the dark one night, feeling so unsafe, unprotected, endangered. I drew a pencil sketch of my dog and put it up against the lamp on the night table. Only then was I able to sleep. Since Ronja had been my dearest since over thirteen years, and had been the cause for Alfred's attack on me in 1998 and his second victim, I had build a strong connection to her after I saved her form him. We were like soulmates, bond together by the traumatizing incident that we both survived. I loved taking her out at times when no one else was there, like in the summer at 4.00 A.M., or late at night. Whenever I took her out at nights and saw the full moon (You know I'm taken with the full moon), I sang to it and asked for Ronja to be protected. She watched over me, and I over her, but the moon was hired by me as her personal bodyguard. Anyway, when she was gone, some part of me died too. I know I cried so hard for at least two weeks - non-stop. It was the end of my first semester and I know that on the day she died, at 10.15 on a monday, I called my anatomy assistant in uni and used all the absence allowance I had to stay at home (which was two days missing = 15% of the classes). So. Since that night where I experienced how it is to be scared, truly feel alone and lost, I became weird(er). That was the start of my emotional deafness that was meant to last for a couple of years. Amazing when I recall that. I'm quite sure it won't happen again like that, not to that extent. 2002 was the one and only time in my life when I didn't feel sure that it would get better again. Usually I just know it gets better. But back then I always set the goal "to be normal and focused again" on my birthday, and two birthdays passed without a real healing. I'm positive that it is different this year. I feel it. I mean, I still don't know what will happen exactly, or where I will go. I'm still not 100% convinced of my study, but I take it how it comes. Whatever happens will be good for me in some way. It always is. I have my confidence again, in me, and in my life. Nothing is without perspective. It's true that everything is still kind of chaotic, but then in my life I never went on a straight path. Not in school, not in uni. I'm always getting the "Extrawurst". I'm costly/expendable, I know ;-)

Why am I telling you all that? Identity crisis, that was it. I'm on my way again, and I just think I should try to sort myself out. I've never been on my own, and frankly, I'm afraid of being alone. But I feel that I can be strong alone now, and that it will be the next step in my development to grow. Jeez, at nearly 26 I'm a true "Spätzünder" (late-igniter?), right? But then I'm back to my own self: better late than never, I take it how it comes. The glass is half full. Bad things don't happen, it's only if you search for the bad aspect that it will be bad. In every personal disaster there's a dram of good. Pick that and keep it, and toss out the crap. This way your life will be successful and turn out fine, however bad it seems at first! That's my life's motto, and I'm glad i can live up to it again. It's mirrored in my name: Feng Huang, the Firebird, the Phoenix. Like the phoenix rises from the ashes, I stride ahead and out of whatever terrible happened/happens/will happen. This time, I admit, the phoenix seemed to have some ignition problems *plays Prodigy's "Firestarter" loudly in background*. The mourning over Ronja claimed to many tears to allow a spark let alone a fire. But now my fire is back, burning brighter every day, and I'm glad. I wonder if it's a coincidence that my character is mirrored in my name, or is it a self fulfilling prophecy and I just became the person I am because I was influenced by the name? (Don't think so, I always wanted the chinese name for unicorn when I was smaller.) I'm not superstitious when it comes to western astrology. But although I have nothing to do with anything chinese except for the 50% of genetic material that I'm build of, I like the idea of the chinese horoscope. I'm born in the year of the horse. And I'm strong as horses are supposed to be. Kissi chose the names for their meaning. Wherever my spirit comes from, I'm happy to be the way I am. I'm a fighter. The phoenix is my 'heraldic figure'. It's also one of the chinese lucky symbols or fable animals, and I think it's the adequate match for me. I like what it stands for.
I'm very thankful to have such friends like the ones I have and my family who gave me the support I needed. I'll repay you all and when the time comes, I'll be there for you.

Now I need some time for myself to regain my balance. Need to be selfish and self centered and hey, for once it's allowed! I just can't see the forest for I only see trees - some distance might be just what I need to clear my sight.
I said I liked having someone there and caring for me. But it shouldn't be a one-sided "usage". I think I can't be strong for, or with someone else, if I'm not strong myself, on my own. I've never been on my own, guess I mentioned that before. I'm just suspecting that relying on someone is just a way to distract myself from my own problems in this moment. I want to try without keeping a backdoor open, want to avoid finding excuses in the involvement of another person. I'm partly sad, but also excited to go on. The bit of pain might help me to see things clearer. Only then will I be able to lead my life successful and determined. I'm back in the game; the journey has come to an end and a new one has begun. I have no clue, but I have an idea that I want to go. I'm just taking a risk. Guess I have to learn that too.

Posted at 12:06 Uhr     Read More  

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