1st day


1st lecture (pharmacology/toxicology). Was boring. But I think it will improve, it usually does. The hall was jammed full, maybe 5 seats left. Shit, it was not comfortable. Yare, yare, it will thin out again, eventually. The average student gives up quickly.

Other news? Injection no.2. If this is without success as I suspect, I'll at least be able to close the chapter and never have to think about cortisone again. It's nasty stuff anyway.

Got this cortisone injection parallel to the tendon again, and I swear the damn needle went in three centimeters! Scary, especially with the milky yucky stuff, but it helps me overcome my injection aversion. Maybe. I watched and it didn't hurt (!!!). I was really okay, but when I focussed on the thought of it 5 mins later, I felt a dizzy spell coming.

That confirms my conviction that in my case it's absolutely conditioned behaviour! (I didn't use to have any, ever, until one day in 1996 when I went to have blood taken and blacked out afterwards. And I had blood taken before in course of a sugar tolerance test when I was 16, and nothing had happened back then. I figured it was unlucky timing because I was on a raw veggie diet: no sugar/salt/fat, and my naturally low bloodpressure just wouldn't agree with that. That diet only lasted for a couple of weeks, and has been the longest I've ever done. Blame my first boyfriend for this crazy idea.)
Today I thought: Bah, it's all psychosomatic! Conclusion: if I don't allow it, it won't happen. Despite darkening vision and progressively dimming hearing, I went downstairs and out. Was fine after a minute, just what I hoped. I use to do the same when I get up to quickly and see black; I just keep walking cautiously until vision returns, but I really see nothing for a second. Last week my brother unintentionally slipped into that literally blind spot and scared me to death (he was hiding in my sisters room, under the covers, when I was swaying in to put back a manga book and he screamed and leaped for me). Proof: my dizzy spell is learned behavior from that one time when I was physically exhausted and with a very low BSL. I just have to nullify this conditioning process, and i should get rid of it eventually. Heh.

Spontaneous check for clinical episode:
fear of injections: definitely improved! Reaction depends on daily form though. See and listen, I have realized that the pain is not as bad as being stabbed by Saitoh with a katana (despite my earlier immovable believe!). Still plagued by getting sweaty hands just from thinking about injections. Must work on that, else my patients will need to calm me down -_-;;
feeling your pain: well... maybe I'm just destined to make autopsies instead *scratches head*. I can't help but shudder and wince inwardly when the patient next door moans in pain of a nasty injection. Also, it makes me sick to my stomach - in Caloundra one night shift doc stabbed a poor old granny's veins 5 times until succeeding, and she was suffering a lot, drawing in these whimpering breathy moans of pain (THESE are the WORST). One more time and I would have left the room, I was really feeling sick.
blood? Luckily, no drama here. Same with cuts, opened carcasses etc. As long as no pain is mouthed, I'm cool. It depends on the way pain is voiced, anyway. I only mind the typical old woman's sighing and long drawn breathy moans of pain that freak me out. Crying, shouting, yelping and hissing don't bother me.
Revulsion scale: Bring it on, nothing yet to bring me down. Oh, except these grilled, red pig-noses on Hong Kong's night market - the smell raised the urge to retch my guts out!
stamina: umhh... well, ambivalent experience there. I never wake easily under normal circumstances, but if adrenaline kicks in, I can be up and going in five minutes. On the other hand I can be really rested and refreshed and something boring makes me dead tired, unable to shake myself up. Suitable for late work. Not so much early work. No trouble working 8 hours non-stop if I'm hooked.
Competence: Yare, yare, I'm still optimizing my performance. The interest runs deep, the discipline is too slack. Needs work, but is possible to achieve improvements.
Secret advantage: I can make people like me. Sometimes I too like them back. At my workplace, the clear majority liked me. I can handle people well when I want to. I admit that I mostly don't. But I can :D

I guess there's a chance for me.
You ask, why all this crap writing now? I'm bound to the couch due to my injected foot, and the fucker hurts. No more Kenshin... Watched Weiss Kreuz already... B O R E D O M. No clinical books in my hands yet, and I'm always eating.

Posted: Do - Oktober 21, 2004 at 10:33 Uhr      

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