Retired General General Charles H. Swannack criticized Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the war in Iraq today, making a total of six retired generals who have either criticized Rumsfeld or called for his ouster. Swannack, who had been seated quietly next to the other generals, finally decided to stand on top of his desk, look toward former President Clinton, and say, "Oh Commander, my Commander."

Bauch & Lomb stopped shipment on its contact lens cleaning solution today, citing dozens of cases of a rare fungal infection of the eye reported by users of the solution. In response to the news, Bauch & Lomb stock dropped 15 percent yesterday and another 7 percent today. Lawyers for the eyecare company attempted to reframe the recall, advising buyers not to think of the fungal infection as a public health risk, but rather as a tax for people too poor to afford Lasik.

4 february

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales went before the Senate today to explain and defend the Bush Administration's domestic eavesdropping program. Gonzales was met with harsh criticism from both sides of the aisle. Committee Chairman Arlen Specter noted that it is against federal law to engage in wiretapping or other surveillance without a court order. Gonzales responded by asking, "Court Order? I'll show you my motherf***ing court order!" and then cut Senator Specter's throat with a shiv.

The Senate Intelligence Committee expressed satisfaction with Gonzales' explanation.

Scientists have discovered tissue within dinosaur bones that contains extant red blood cells with nuclei intact. Nuclei is where cells store DNA, so it is thought that major discoveries about dinosaur genetics can be made from the 70 million-year-old tissue. Steven Speilberg is currently suing the paleontological team for copyright infringement.

Controversy rages over the battle to maintain the life of Terry Schiavo, a woman with brain damage placing her in a vegetative state. The controversy surrounds the removal of a feeding tube which has been her source of nutrition for the last 13 years. Schiavo's brain damage was caused by temporary heart failure due to potassium indeficiencies from an eating disorder.

The controversy centers around Schiavo's wishes, whether she would want to remain in a vegitative state or whether she would want to have her feeding tube removed. A spokesperson for the American Association of Anorexia Awareness (AAAA) reportedly said "I think we know what Terry would have wanted."

In a recent New York Times article, a former Sergeant for the United States Army has revealed that the interrogation of Islamic prisoners at Guantanamo Bay has gotten Too Hot For TV. Female soldiers and guards don short skirts, thongs and tight tops, and sexually entice the Muslim prisoners who believe that sexual contact with women before marriage is unclean. One co-ed soldier, in an attempt to break down a 21-year-old Saudi detainee, "touched her breasts, rubbed them against the Saudi's back and commented on his apparent erection."

In an editorial, Maureen Dowd called this kind of torture "not merely disgusting, but beyond belief." My response is this: believe it, believe it real good. The woman of the 21st century is not going to sit back and watch her freedom taken away by some chador-wearing baby machine. Maybe Ms. Dowdie hasn't heard about the new workout fad sweeping the nation: the stripper's workout. Stripping is no longer the culturally taboo act of economic desparation for women that it once was. Ladies now pay people to learn the art of stripping and pole dancing at health clubs in order to stay fit and trim.

On one hand we have the thong-tha-thong method of interrogation, and on the other hand we have thousands of women paying to strip. The solution is so clear, it's amazing that no one at the Pentagon thought of it sooner: send American women to Gitmo to work it for the War on Terror. These newly sexually invigorated housewives are in a unique position to be in a unique position in Guantanamo. Rather than flashdancing for each other, they should hump their poles for the United States Government, and show some uncooperative Muslims just how great American Freedom is.

Women have always done their part in times of war -- during the Great War we bought war bonds, during the Second World War we planted Victory Gardens, and during this War on Terror we will shake our money makers. If Rosie the Riveter were alive today, you can bet she'd have taken off those overalls and then taken off everything else for Freedom. This is the 21st century ladies, and it's time we did our part on foreign soil. Especially if we're already doing our parts at home. And let's face it ladies, Uncle Sam does not let his nieces hold guns. Why struggle to make the Army and Marine Corps allow women in combat units, when we could fight the fight with the guns that God gave us? The War on Terror must be won, and in order to do so America has to use all of its natural resources. Women everywhere: if you want to take it off, take it off for Uncle Sam. If Lady Liberty could, I'm sure she'd put down her torch and lift up her skirt for America.

Halliburton copyrights phrases “Significant and Positive Impact” and “Better Place”

By BIANCA O'BLIVION

New York – Wendy Hall, Spokesperson For Halliburton incorporated, announced today that the company had acquired the copyrights to the phrases “significant and positive impact” and “better place.

In a previous press release dated May 19th, Hall mentioned that “Halliburton employees have had a significant and positive impact on the quality of life,” and added later that “when our work is finished, Halliburton will leave Iraq a better place than we found it.”

After the New York Times published an editorial saying that the United Nations allied forces were also having a significant and positive impact on Iraqi rebuilding operations, the attorneys for Halliburton served an injunction to the Times, declaring that Significant and Positive Impact™ is the sole property of Halliburton Inc. and its subsidiary, Kellogg Brown and Root.

In an informal survey conducted by Halliburton of Ladies’ Home Journal readers, the majority of readers did not associate either Significant and Positive Impact™ or Better Place™ with Halliburton.

In response to these findings, Halliburton’s attorneys have brought lawsuits against UNICEF, Natural Resources Defense Council, The Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, The World Wildlife Fund, Oxfam, and Save the Children.  The suits will claim damages to the Halliburton brand caused by companies’ claims to have made a Significant and Positive Impact™.

Hall stated that the lawsuits will increase public and investor confidence in the company, because no other company or governmental organization can legally have the Significant and Positive Impact™ in Iraq that Halliburton has had.  “Any other governmental or non-governmental organization can continue to have a negative impact, a significantly negative impact, or no impact at all,” Hall stated.  “But understand that any Significant and Postive Impact™ in Iraq will be treated as a violation of federal law.”

Hall added that Halliburton’s lawyers will not litigate uses of the words “significant” or “positive” in isolation.  This will avoid potential litigation with McGraw Hill, publisher of math and statistics textbooks.

Halliburton’s lawyers are also currently in litigation with Michael Jackson for the use of the phrase “better place” in his hit single “Heal the World.”  According to Hall, it is a matter of national security that Halliburton’s communications with the public be as clear as possible. 

“In a time of war, it is irresponsible and unpatriotic for Mr. Jackson to claim to make the world a ‘better place,’ when Halliburton is risking its non-governmental contract workers’ lives making Iraq a Better Place™.   Halliburton’s lawyers asked Mr. Jackson to either change the language, or include the name Halliburton or KBR before the slogan. 

“Our arts lawyers even drew up alternate lyrics, including ‘Halliburton Heals the World / Makes it a Better Place™” or “Heal the world / Make it a Better Place™ with Halliburton.” When Mr. Jackson refused to change the lyrics to the multi-platinum selling song, Hall says that Halliburton had no choice but to sue.

Hall acknowledged the protests of Mr. Jackson’s lawyers, who are counter-suing for the cost of printing new lyrics for American elementary schools.  However, Hall did not comment on Jackson’s lawyers’ claim that the lyric change would make the song impossible to sing in American Sign Language.

Click here for YCD's multi-media look at the Baker Botts briefs!

The AP reports that over 70,000 people have been consumed by the massive Earthquake and Tsunami that hit southeast asia on the 26th. But the World Health Organization estimates that over 100,000 people in the area may become agnostic or atheist from exposure to the earthquake, lack of clean drinking water, and what has been reported to be a coastal graveyard as the ocean washes the dead ashore. "God is dead," A spokesman from the International Red Cross said. "Fuck God. Fuck that useless piece of shit," said a local resident from a coastal town in Sri Lanka.

"God is as important now as he ever was," said the Reverent Jerry Falwell from his home earlier today. "All of my deepest prayers go out to the victims of this terrible tragedy." Falwell then invited the press in for breakfast and a nap.

For many people, the significance of the date of the massive earthquake and tsunami that rocked southeast asia today is deeply sad and ironic. President Bush was quoted as saying "for these people to have spent the 25th full of so much holiday cheer, and then to have their lives swept away, is deeply saddening." The international Red Cross is still pondering their next move, either to call President Bush and tell him that Southeast Asia is predominantly muslim and hindu, or just take it and hope for money.

On this day, people of Nazareth and Bethlehem, From the remote provinces of Judea to bustling Rome, prophets would look to the sky and speak of the coming of a great and mysterious child. For ninteen-hundred eighty years later, aemilia would be born in a manger in Santa Monica.

With today's announcement that Viktor Yushchenko was definitely poisoned, much attention and sympathy has been directed toward the opposition party's leader and heretofore posterboy. Many view the candidate now as both a political force of change and a martyr fighting for the Ukranian people.

Yushchenko's opponent, Yanukovych, is feeling the pressure of the world's sympathetic reaction to the candidate's poisoning. Yanukovych was reported as saying "Hey! I have Rickets!"

Yushchenko then told reporters that he had a rare wasting disease, and would have to be hospitalized. Yanukovych then fell down three flights of stairs, and was placed in a full-body cast. Yushchenko, while in the hospital, then tied himself to the balcony ledge and has spent the day having his eyes pecked by birds. It is reported that the two will continue their campaigns from adjascent rooms in a private hospital in Vienna.

From the YCD Media Doody department, view Bianca's Cross-Marketing Crusade.

CNN confirmed that Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson resigned his post today. This is the latest in a long series of resignations and appointments framing President Bush's new term in office. His new appointments include Condoleeza Rice stepping into the office of Secretary of State, Alberto Gonzales taking the position of Attorney General, and Carlos Gutierrez filling the position of Commerce Secretary.

While critics of the President say he is surrounding himself with allies rather than appointees with a broad range of views, the president insists he is attempting to increase ethnic diversity in a traditionally white administration. While YCD does not yet know who will fill Tommy Thompson's cabinet position, we have received word that bush is privately considering another old friend of his from West Texas.

While he would not reveal her name, he did speak on her qualifications. "This woman has always been close to my heart," the President said. "We shared many meals together, and she was always available when I needed her." He added, "She never talked much, but was a great listener."

Op-Ed columnist David Brooks, employed by the New York Times since 2003, made a largely ineffective Ayn Rand reference with the title of his most recent column, "Who is John Stott?" The title almost succesfully called to mind the phrase "Who is John Gault?" from Ayn Rand's epic, Atlas Shrugged. Brooks' article actually discussed the mudslinging between Christians on the right and left ends of the political spectrum. Finding no real connection between Evangelical Christians and Atlas Shrugged, YCD called Mr. Brooks to verify the accuracy of this quotation.

B O'B: Mr. Brooks, can I speak to you?

DB: No. Wait. Yeah, what?

B O'B: When you wrote "Who is John Stott?" were you referencing Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged?

DB: Yeah.

B O'B: Why?

DB: It sounded good. Wait. Yeah, it sounded good.

B O'B: What does Ayn Rand have to do with Jerry Falwell and Al Sharpton? I mean seriously, I've read Atlas Shrugged and it had more to do with architecture and penises than religion.

DB: I've read it! Are you saying I haven't read it? I totally read it. I read it a couple of times.

B O'B: I'm not trying to say you didn't read it, David. I'm just saying that it doesn't make any sense. And at any rate, the book is pretty crappy, don't you think?

DB: Yeah. I mean, I knew it was crappy. I knew that. I used it because I didn't like it. I was being ironic. Or whatever.

Title taken from The New York Times, 28 november.

The New York Times reported today that the powerful Shiite leader in Iraq, the Grand Ayatolla Ali Al-Sistani, has mounted a political opposition to the candidacy of House Majority Leader Tom Delay for leader of Iraq. YCD is not certain what motivated Delay's sudden entry into the race, but we have been able to corroborate that Shiite leaders have all opposed Delay in the elections.

In an amazing show of solidarity, both Sunni and Kurdish leaders expressed support for Delay in the Iraqi elections. The two groups, both in a minority to the Shiite group, believe that only Delay will prevent the Shiites from gaining too much power in the new Iraqi government. YCD cannot explain how the Majority Leader will affect mideast politics, but both groups have vigorously expressed their support for Delay.

President Bush, who originally opposed Delay in the Iraqi elections, now says that he would not oppose Delay if those interim leaders and coalition forces felt him necessary. "Delay wouldn't be my first choice," the President said yesterday in a press conference. "But if Delay is the only thing that will ensure a fair election, then Delay we must have."

Plymouth colonists and the indigenous people of Plymouth (or whatever the hell they called it) sat down to a harvest feast which would later be known as the first Thanksgiving. The natives gave the colonists many of their traditional foods, including wild turkey, pumpkin, corn, walnuts and plums. The colonists also gave the natives many of their traditional offerings, including indulgence, guilt, and Smallpox. Every year American's celebrate their proud history and recreate this meal by overeating and misunderstanding the people they are sitting next to.

"It's entertainment versus politics," said Steve McPherson, the president of ABC Entertainment. He dismissed the notion that program creators might be developing ideas specifically to chase voters who claimed moral values as an important issue in this election. "I have not heard an idea of that kind,'' Mr. McPherson said, "none whatsoever."

Some stations are hoping to use the recent voter trend to inform their programming, YCD discovered. The PAX Network has recently begun filming its new series, "Bitch-Slapped by an Angel," in which buxom beauties from beyond come to right human wrongs.

	A still from the "Bitch-Slapped by an Angel" Episode #1: "Hail Mary, Mother Fucker."

By BIANCA O'BLIVION
Reporter in the Field

There seems to be no end in sight for the nonviolence tearing through Germany's largest and most populous city. Scores of citizens remain unharmed as the country's leaders continue to refuse assistance from the American military. Incoming Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice commented on Monday, "We're doing everything we can to affect change in Berlin, but frankly its citizens seem contented to live in a state of equanimity indefinitely."

"I've seen a lot of things in my day, but this is the most gruesome display of equality I've ever seen," said former President Clinton's National Security Advisor Sandy Berger. "Every day we're getting reports of nationalized health care, free university education, guaranteed social security for all citizens... I'm surprised the whole place hasn't descended into anarchy."

Gerhard Schroeder continues to refuse any type of intervention on the part of the United States Military. Colin Powell has already met with his advisors to put together a plan for a potential invasion of the urban center, should the situation become any more equitable.

The air on the streets of Berlin can only be described as horrifyingly placid today, as continued peace led many couples to seek refuge in local cafés and shops, often spending hours in these establishments without any sign of respite.

Earlier this morning, a fresh wave of nonviolence broke out when a homosexual couple entered a café, sat down, and ordered brunch. Almost immediately after the other café-goers noticed the couple, they savagely turned back to their own conversations and engaged in a type of indifference amounting to outright disinterest.

"The very fabric of human relations and soceital bonds is breaking down in Berlin," Vice President Dick Cheney said today after leaving a prayer breakfast on Capitol Hill. "It is our duty as Americans to intervene on behalf of these desparate and misguided people," he said, stepping over a home-free citizen reclining on the pavement in front of the Capitol.

B O'B: Aemilia will be posting remotely this week from Berlin, Germany. If there is a lapse in posts, it is because she could not find such modern amenities as DSL and wireless in Germany. It is unlikely she will find any signs of modernity, but she remains hopeful. I fear the worst, and send my prayers to her as she leaves the warm embrace of freedom and ventures out into the cold, harsh light of the EU. C'mon, do you really want to drink the water there? I mean, how can she expect to find high speed internet when they haven't even figured out how to speak English yet?

With the health of Chief Justice William Rehnquist questionable, the sense of uncertainty and sadness has spread through the Supreme Court, through the surrounding Judges, clerks and staffers. It is not clear whether anyone has talked to, or heard from, the ailing Chief Justice. In his absence though, the Supreme Court continues to review cases on its Docket, including U.S. v. Captain Morgan, Glenfiddich v. Glenlevit, and the class-action suit of "The Seagrams' Seven" against Tennessee businessman John Daniels.

The New York Times reported today that Former Vice Presidential Candidate John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. She learned of the news on November 3, shortly after Senator Edwards and Senator Kerry made their concession speeches, ending the 2004 Presidential race in defeat. Upon leaving Boston's Faneuil Hall, a bolt of lightning struck Teresa Heinz Kerry, and Senator Kerry's two daughters were mauled by lions. Senator Kerry was not available to comment, because of oozing sores that appeared all over his body after he gave his concession speech.

In a stunning show of wound-healing sentiment today, President Bush allowed the Press Corps to ask single questions about his next four years in office. When unruly members of the Press began to layer and obfuscate questions, he responed with the following statements:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Now that I've got the will of the people at my back, I'm going to start enforcing the one-question rule. That was three questions. (Laughter.)

PRESIDENT BUSH: Again, he violated the one-question rule right off the bat. Obviously you didn't listen to the will of the people.

It turns out that the "will of the people" and "me" are synonymous in our president's mind. Let the healing begin.

B O'B: Aemilia will not post today. She woke up, turned on CNN, and then put out her own eyes with a campaign pin.

President? Not so much.

I spent the day working with the Voter Protection Program monitoring polling conditions in Ohio. There was a man in an electric wheelchair, probably paralyzed from the neck down, coming into the polling place to vote. I said something to the effect of "Hello disabled citizen, if you have any problems voting let me know." He responded with, "I'm goin' in there to vote against abortion. and stem cells. I'm against abortion and stem cells." That man was a walking irony. Or rather, a sititng irony.

B O'B: Rather than saying that he has a degenerative nerve disease which may someday be treated with stem cell research, just tell him that God is punishing him.

Today, Chief Justice William Rehnquist announced that he would not return to work as usual, after receiving a tracheotomy to ease the effects of Thyroid Cancer. While Rehnquist has maintained that he is still in perfect health, rumours abound on whether or not he will return to full control of the Palestinian state, even if he is able to return to his fortified Ramallah compound. Wait, that wasn't actually Justice Rehnquist. The public official spinning his grave illness I meant to reference was Dick Cheney. Or Rudolph Giuliani.

It's odd, isn't it? Infirmity and public office don't mix. Here is a highly scientific analysis of the public and private illnessess of our public servants.

Today, a man weighing 1,072 pounds underwent obeisity surgery to allow him to become healthy enough to then undergo gastric bypass surgery.

According to the associated press, surgeon Dr. Frederick Harris was optimistic:

Patrick Deuel, 42, underwent the procedure to reduce the size of his stomach four months after being admitted to the hospital at 1,072 pounds.

He was in good spirits and relieved Tuesday's procedure went so well, Harris said. "We didn't find anything that was scary at all," he said.

Except a man on his operating table weighing 1,072 pounds.

B O'B: Rather than correct his olympian obesity, we should put him in a large vitrine and send him around the country on a viewing tour entitled "America: as much as you want."

Today, Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat's health took a turn for the worst, when he vomited while eating a bowl of soup, and lost consciousness for 10 minutes. His doctors insist that he is suffering from a bad case of the flu, but rumors continue to spread about a more serious, life-threatening condition, like being 75 years old and living in a cement bunker.

Little did Hitler know that the strong, simple, aero-dynamism of this car would only truly be appreciated by hippies.

Today, the head of Iran's security council announced that the Re-election of President Bush would be in Iran's best interests. Historically Iran has chosen Republicans over Democrats, because of the latter's involvement in human rights issues. After Iran's endorsement of the President, America thanked Iran in the hallway between classes, but then was seen insulting Iran in the lunchroom with all of the other popular countries.

Slate ran an article today describing five scenarios in which the outcome of this year's election would be put in the hands of the Supreme Court. They include electronic voting malfunctions, contestations of paperless voting machines, an electoral tie, and others. Considering the intense, soul-searching deliberation that no-doubt rocked the Justices' sensibilities, and which precipitated the astounding 5-4 split on Bush v. Gore, it might be time to give the High Court a much-needed break. The following is YCD's proposed list of methods to choose our next president in the case of a contested election.

The following is an update from Bianca:

B O'B: Greetings from the other side. After a short hiatus to endulge in the pleasures of the flesh, I am now back, ready and willing to sacrifice my worldly body for the sake of my online avatar.

French philosopher Jacques Derrida died today at the age of 74. Derrida is most famous for his development and disavowal of Deconstructionism, which was a controversial and anti-philosophical movement in the mid 20th century. Deconstructionist thought was part of the larger trend of Post-Structuralism, which was a philosophical movement responding to the French Structuralist theory of Levi-Strauss and Husserl. If you are still reading this, buy a big gold star for yourself, write your name on that star, and then give it to someone else to wear.

International observers gave the OK to Afghan elections held yesterday, even though 15 of the 18 candidates complained of chaotic and uncontrolled voting practices. Apparently the ink used to maintain a single-vote system was easily washed off, allowing some to vote more than once. Even though, The Organisation for Security and Co-operation in Europe (OSCE) Said the that the candidates' claims for a new election were unjustified. Members of the approving Organization include Henry Kissinger, Katherine Harris, and Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley. Daley, speaking on behalf of the committee, said "I, uh, I don't know what the problem here is. I mean, are we going to punish these people for creativity? What is this, Soviet Russia?"

Today, 19 year old Ezra Nichols set the world record for most hamburgers stuffed into his mouth. The feat was part of a contest held in Singapore for people attempting to set wacky world records. The contest was part of a new national holiday, inspired by recent talks with American diplomats, named "Focus on This Shiny Object While We Take Away Your Civil Liberties" Day.

B O'B: Now, if the contest organizers truly appreciated irony, they would have hired Ronald McDonald to force the hamburgers into their mouths. Wait, how about Ronald McDonald in an Uncle Sam hat. Even better.

President Bush today admitted to allegations that he was in fact hiding something in his jacket during the last debate. After video feeds plainly showing the bulge disproved the administration's theory that the story came from doctored photos, Scott McClellan responded, "the President did not want to admit publicly to having the world's largest penis, but has for many years been hiding it via a series of interconnected chambers in his pants and suit jackets." The President, upon being forced to admit this, said "When I say I love politics, I mean it. You folks get me so hot."

Senator Kerry responded to the reports by saying that the Bush administration's excuse for the bulge was preposterous. "The president is living in a world of Spin," Kerry said. "He is deceiving the American people, when it is plainly obvious that I am more well hung than he. To every lonely housewife out there, let me tell you: help is on the way."

In a stunning show of on-message muscle, President Bush made reference to the "Global Test" that we'd all have to pass in order to take on another country with military force. Bush, not having "enjoyed" his time at Yale, is not one to submit his fair country to a "Global Test." Americans instinctively understand why the President might hate such a test. If, for instance, the "Global Test" he had to take in order to invade Iraq were in the subject of Spanish grammar, President Bush's completed exam from this last semester in office would have looked something like "Yo Quiero Taco Bell." And it was a take-home exam, people. He had 3 months to complete it. And he cheated. And that is still the best he could come up with.

In response to a question about a possible draft, President bush made this remark:

I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft.

He continued, "Now don't believe everything you hears on the internets. We can fight Iraqs without any more assistances from the Americans Peoples."

B O'B: Two lessons: One, don't let cows smoke. Two, don't build a skyscraper out of wood.

The Department of Labor released its economic report today, showing that the economy added only 96,000 jobs in September, far short of the 148,000 project, and further short of the 150,000 needed to keep pace with the expanding labor force. In a press conference, the president hailed the report as a huge success for the Bush administration and his continued tax cuts. Bush declared that while there are many sectors of the economy that are sluggish, such as manufacturing and service, "getting screwed is the oldest profession, and it's still going strong." The President continued, "we're moving in the right direction," and then spanked the air in front of his crotch.

B O'B: Gives a whole new meaning to the term "trickle-down," doesn't it? I've always thought that hardship did taste a bit like Clorox.

According to a CBS poll, 41 percent of undecided voters thought that Senator Edwards won the debate, while 28 percent thought Vice President Cheney was the winner. According to an ABC poll, 43 percent found Cheney the victor, with 35 percent giving it to Edwards. A similar PBS poll found Edwards at 24 percent, Cheney at 18 percent, and Moderator Gwen Ifill at 47 percent. Pundits are now wondering whether Ifill's excellent hair, well-chosen outfit and sassy style made her more popular with those polled, rather than her command of the issues.

Analysists are also studying the reaction of the two candidates to a Black female moderator, the second in Debate history. The Cheney team hopes to play down an incident toward the end of the Debate where he accidentally referred to Ms. Ifill as Cleopatra Jones. Edwards similarly denies that a small piece of paper he slipped to Ifill after the Debate was, in fact, his phone number.

Snap! Judgement:

According to CNN, Senator Patrick Leahy was given an excellent seat in the audience at the Vice Presidential debates yesterday. The democrats originally claimed responsibility for placing the Senator, who exchanged profanities on the floor of the Senate with the Cheney, in such a prominent place in the auditorium. Mary Matalin later claimed that Republicans were responsible for the move, stating that the Vice President will only attack when he smells fresh blood.

President Bush signed his fourth tax cut today in a ceremony at a YMCA in Iowa, one of the most contested states in this year's presidential election. Kerry responded by giving a press conference in an alley in Minnesota. Bush then flew to Missouri and gave a rousing speech to some supporters while washing windows in the parking lot of a local Dunkin Donuts. Kerry then brought his team to Ohio, where he rallied his supporters as he stood by the Toledo exit from Interstate 80 and held a sign saying "Please Help. Vietnam Vet."

The AP today reported that Mount St. Helen was belching huge plumes of smoke, but scientists were unable to say whether or not the volcano was erupting, or whether it would erupt in the future.

B O'B: What's the saying? Where there's coke, there's "The Wire"... Where there's broke, there's For Hire... I can't seem to remember. I guess It's a good thing I took the course "Advanced Topics in Using your Fucking Eyes" while at Columbia.

In Cleveland, Ohio, John Kerry gave a speech today to the East Mount Zion Baptist church, where he discussed the Republicans' suppression of minority and other disenfranchised voters. He said to the congregation,

"We're not going to let that happen because the memories of 2000 are too strong. We're not going to allow 1 million African Americans to be disenfranchised."

Dick Cheney, at a rally at the Waldorf Astoria, responded by saying, "I don't understand how a president can disrespect the voting process of this country, when eight months ago he spoke publicly declaring his desire to be president. First he wants to be involved in the electoral process, then he says its corrupt. He just changes positions whenever the wind hits him." The president, at a different Baptist church in a different Ohio city, said, "Change positions. War. Terror. Hard. Positions. Change."

On Page 28, the Times featured an article fixating on every aspect of the president's health, from the shrapnel still lodged in his leg to the torn shoulder tendon he received while on a lurching campaign bus. The article ended with the following sentence:

Mr. Kerry has colonoscopies every three years because of polyps that were detected in 1985 and 1993. None were found on his last colonoscopy two years ago. He has tested negative for H.I.V., and has never been in trouble with the law for drug or alcohol abuse.

Thanks for the thorough reportage, but I think we can probably assume that last part. If a presidential candidate either failed a drug test or tested positive for H.I.V., it wouldn't be on page 28, would it?

B O'B: But if your president refuses a drug test, or your vice-president needs 2 AA batteries in his chest to stay alive, that news is best buried in the back pages.

Let's start with some home-cooked Bushisms...

The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That's why they're fighting so vociferously.

B O'B: Oh for the love of Webster. Either Bush doesn't understand that vociferous actually means "loud," or he's making fun of Muslim war cries on national television. Either way, a brilliant rhetorical flourish.

As a matter of fact, this is a global effort. We're facing a group of folks who have such hatred in their heart they'll strike anywhere, with any means.

(B O'B: This one is courtesy of Jon Stewart. Group of FOLKS? No, a group of folks are people who crochet you tea cozies and invite you to block parties. They are NOT the people who are part of a multinational, highly organized and ideologically homogenous crusade against the United States.)

I don't think we want to get to how he's going to pay for all these promises. It's like a huge tax gap and - anyway, that's for another debate.

(B O'B: It's like he almost got into a substantive discussion of policy, and then realized that he actually didn't know what he was talking about. I guess we'll all have to wait until next week when he gets the hot domestic policy injection from Karl Rove. Sexy.)

I never - when I was running - when we had the debate in 2000, never dreamt I'd be doing that, but the enemy attacked us, Jim, and I have a solemn duty to protect the American people, to do everything I can to protect us.

(B O'B: The man wields the English language like a finely skilled surgeon. Three incisions before he found the right organ. There is also, of course, the teensy problem with his logic, that The Enemy of which he speaks is a) not a single Borg-like unit, or b) not Iraq.)

And now... a highly scientific word frequency analysis of the candidates' dialogue.

In the world of post-debate spin, textual analysis is definitely the new black. While many pundits like to analyze the frequency of words such as "changing positions" and "misled," I find that those words are misleading to think about. Talking-point words are the targets, and these folks (yes I did) have been practicing their aim for months. But everyone knows what really matters is how cool you look while you reload.

At T- 10 minutes, I began to taste fear. President Bush was the man, after all, who had managed to brand himself as a steadfast leader and his opponent as a fickle phillisine. What was stopping Bush from turning on that bumbling charm, that gorsh-i'm-so-glad-i'm-yer-presdent that worked so well in Mayberry for Andy Griffith. The American Public seem to eat it up. It makes me feel a little queasy.

But after a jilted start, Kerry turned it on like I've never seen him turn it on. This is a man I've already been campaigning for, and I must say he even reinforced my belief that he has everything this country needs. I even got a bit -- just a little bit -- of that edge of my seat, throw your panties at the stage love that I felt when I first saw Mr. Clinton come to the podium. It felt good then, and it feels real good now.

B O'B: Rather than consulting Cicero, Chamberlain should have consulted his wife about HItler's intentions. Every woman knows that when a man promises you that he'll go in just a little bit and pull out after that, you can expect to get knocked up before the night is over.

Scientists at the World Health Organization have confirmed the first human to human transition of Avian Influenza, commonly known as Bird Flu.  While the chances of a pandemic from human-to-human transmission are slim, those most susceptible to infection are told to take precautions.

Lock, Stock & Merrill: In a public statement today, Martha Steward has agreed to serve her sentence in a minimum-security women’s prison camp in West Virginia, rather than a facility in Danbury, Connecticut where she lives.  She tearily declared that she wanted to get this ordeal behind her, adding “If I don’t see hospital corners, I’m gonna cut you.”

Fox News' lead story covers a tornado in Iowa that killed one person. If each American who died in Iraq were killed by a tornado, it would mean 2370 tornados had hit Iraq since 2003. That's a lot of tornados!