Urgent Press Release from the office of Pastor Mark



News release: Sources close to outgoing Maj. Leader Bill Frist tell the Hotline that Frist will announce at 1PM today that has decided not to run for President in 2008.

In related news, sources close to Pastor Mark Swanson revealed a series of upcoming announcements. Members of the press will not want to miss any of these:

At 12:55PM Swanson will announce that he has decided not to run for President in 2008 and will dare Bill Frist to follow his example.

At 3:33AM tomorrow Swanson will announce that he is not pregnant and does not intend to become so.

At 4:17PM Friday Swanson will announce that he does not wish to be considered as a successor to Pope Benedict or to current Mormon President Whatever-His-Name-Is, regardless of which post becomes available first. But ask him again in 40 years.

At Midnight next Monday Swanson will announce that he has decided not to leave his wife. Not for Britney Spears or Ted Haggard or anyone else. Ever. Period.

At 8:25PM on Boxing Day Sen. John Kerry will announce that he will not run for President in 2008. As soon as that announcment is completed (approximately 4:11PM the following day), Swanson will announce to great applause that unlike Frist and Kerry he will no longer be making obvious announcements about non-events.

Posted: Wed - November 29, 2006 at 10:23 AM          

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