Tue - December 2, 2003

Quotes


"No one saw it"

You know...yesterday's comment...well, it was a quote man. I didn't say that.

Posted at 03:54 PM     Read More  


Mon - December 1, 2003

Ouch


"And in the end...you make"

I'm so fucking sore I can't type. I know you think I've stopped updating this. Not so much. I haven't stopped a lot of bad habits I have. I have also been keeping track of how Cauldron edits his "stream of consciousness" blog. Lamer.

But, all this moving and hauling and furniture making has fucking worn me out...almost enough not to do THIS...which is so damned artistic I couldn't pass it up...

"I appear to be falling in love with a lesbian playing boggle right next to me. Long curly black hair, huge eyes, and large lips. Yeah, it may be doomed, but that's never stopped me."

"I'm in the worst shape of my life."

"No. You're really not."

Posted at 11:11 AM     Read More  


Fri - November 21, 2003

Worlds


"It is a subset of a routine that has roots in one circle, but overlaps the triangles and squares just-so as to create a smaller set of things that eventually don't even share a single point."

The more I think about life and things too big to think about the more I realize that there are surely "worlds" that we create and live within as we go through the years. I mean, we all develop as people, adults I suppose, and build what we will be either proactively or reactively. Ultimately it is the same beast.

I grew up watching my homicide-cop father breaking in my mother's face. I called the cops to stop him and watched authority come to mean nothing to me. Cops won't arrest another cop if they can avoid it. The badge means nothing to me but two faced bullshit.

I watched my mother drink alongside my father. He was self medicating his life away and she medicated to make it through his abuse and abandonment. Together they drank themselves into oblivion and fought and hated and neglected.

I was born with fetal alcohol poisoning. I have the migraines to remember those days now. Still, my sister (just four years older than I am) took care to make sure I lived through the seizures and that fun. Mom and dad were either fighting or drunk when I was in need of that care.

I grew up hating. Then I learned to forgive. I learned to be kind. I learned a lot. I also learned that I don't want anything to do with that world. Alcohol is a monster except in such minor cases that there is no redemption I'm willing to seek for it. People who come to depend on it are monsters too. They may be sad, or tragic, but they are still monsters. They have decided to take one ill in place of another. No, I am not so naive that I think anyone drinking is a monster. Get over yourself.

So, now I live in a world of no trust and I can still find the alcohol creeping behind the question marks. I live in a world where "stories" need to be corroborated. I live without knowing the few things that could be certainties. I don't want to live in that world.

I suppose it is a closed case, but I read Michael's blog and I realize that there is a lot that was left out when I learned what I did about his touching my life...in a round about way. But, there I find all the sadness and suicide talk and woe of the world; his world that is.

Part of me grows ignorantly tired of it all. (I say ignorant because I have only pieces of the story, yet that IS the context of such a blog) I am through wallowing in sad things. The world IS in your control and you CAN find a way to be happy. There is no reason to live like Michael seems to. I say that only as an example of what I don't intend to become.

Michael notes how dark things get and then talks of self medicating with margaritas and so on. There is a heavy dose of old fashioned bragging in there (oooooh look how sad he is...he drinks sooo much) but there is much more pathos. The rhetoric (admit it or not) is that Michael needs to hide THAT much from his world. I don't understand that at all. Why not just throw life away?

That is just it, I think. I have realized what I mean. The drama is presented like this. And, Michael is just a case study. I'm talking about the larger picture. But, the drama is such that the hero says "oooh, poor me" and then drinks him or herself into oblivion. The over-drama is that the same end is reached by going to bed. The same end of wasting away life and consciousness is reached by unplugging. Why do that? Am I supposed to be impressed? Why wouldn't any healthy person just say enough and leave.

There is absolutely nothing easy about living. No one thinks that. There is no easy fix to real problems. But, why choose to add a big dose of misery on top of it all? It seems a pathology deeper than any of the self stated ones.

Yeah, you guessed it. I'm talking about a lot of things here. But, I'm not talking about myself. Health has finally come to me and I am realizing that there is a place for those who choose to be joyful in life, who choose life itself. There is room to be glad that the sun came up and glad that the chilly air came back when it went back down.

I'm so fucking over people who are throwing away the most cherished or cherishable of all things.

Posted at 02:19 PM     Read More  


Thu - November 20, 2003

Fleetwood Mac sucks without Peter Green


"I know what it is like to be dead"

What a morning. The one thing that is interesting in all of the excitement is that when you throw a big pile of shit up in the air, you get a LOT of information coming out of it. Trouble is, when it lands you can't always call it 'sorted' as much as 'sordid.' Sorry, didn't mean to write that, it just happened. Like underwear made out of hair.

So, the whole 'troll' posts are now a complete cycle. It is done. But, the story explodes with new intrigue and confusion. I mean, sitting in a pair of pants worn by a guy who has NO idea who to believe, I can honestly say that everything in the world points to a need for more of my world stewing in its own juices. Huh?

Let's go back and see just how fucked up my life is. Actually, no, let's not. Let me apologize to Michael and/or tell him he really IS an asshole. It is one or the other. I sincerely don't know which it is anymore. It really doesn't matter. That is the funniest thing.

By one account, Michael pushed for Janet to invite him back to her room. They are grown ups, what is the big deal? Well, Janet was supremely depressed and suicidal. She was in a " bad place" by any account. Asking her back to her room for cheap sex is just pathetic and horrific. Add to that Michael's knowledge of Janet's involvement with Ron and subsequently Ray (who completely took advantage of Janet in this same way...under the guises of friendship). The picture is ugly. To hear Janet tell it, she (her quoting Michael) "put him out in the cold with a hard-on"...sweet guy isn't he?

But, then I get the story from the other side. The "he said" version. In this version Janet invites Michael back to her room and he declines noting that she is really sad and not well. Michael makes a strong point of telling this story "upon coming in the door" when he gets home. Who did he tell this alibi, uh, explanation to? His girlfriend.

You can see where I'm going here. People lie. It is all lies. Truth is, none of this is true. Yet, there is a truth behind it. So, here goes the head-spinning wondering...

Why did Michael go so out of his way to pre-emptively clear that "Janet was odd" right after being with her. That suggest an action of guilty conscience. Further, why would Janet tell me this story of Michael asking her to take him to her room if that is the one thing that would surely raise hell in the relationship she is supposed to be devastated to lose? Why would Janet have such an elaborate version of her rejection of Michael? Might THAT be bullshit? Why would Michael send her his blog URL at the end of the night? Is he truly helping her deal with depression? Maybe so. There is nothing to suggest otherwise.

Thing is...again...someone's full of shit. Either my wife is just hiding (by telling me preemptively about it?!?) another affair or there is yet another sleazy fucker out there who'd screw a depressed woman with no regard for her well being.

Is it any wonder I am looking out for myself these days?

The worst part of all this is that Michael's girlfriend, Sony, got a face full of all this. THAT sincerely makes me feel bad. In the end, Michael, if you are the scumbag that you would be in one of the cases above, well, you don't deserve anyone kind or nice. You don't deserve Sony. But, there is no proof that you are the asshole she doesn't deserve.

It was put forth that there was no reason NOT to trust Michael and that I probably trust Janet. In the end, I trust no one. In an anarchic system, if a guy has guns you have to assume the worst. You can't allow that he is just doing it for self defense. You have to go get your own guns. Trouble is, then other people see your defensive guns...and, well, you're smart...you get it.

Posted at 09:44 AM     Read More  

Broadcast


"It's a one to many relationship beginning with something so small no one knows it wasn't there."

I'm thinking a lot about issues of privacy. I am sure the thoughts come at least originally from the recent posting of this URL and all the "troll" stuff that goes with it. Actually, no, it comes from Sony's comments about someone being insane and telling everyone he works with about his personal life.

See, the people I work with and who work for me are all my closest friends. I'd have a really hard time NOT letting these people into my life...especially given how my life is right now. I have known so many of these people for such a long time (some decades) and I have watched them live through terrible things and they have certainly carried me through a lot of the recent things. The more I think about it, the more urgent it is to me to have these relationships.

Now, that doesn't mean that everyone in the world is comfortable with spilling their guts about things like I have had going in my life lately. I mean, not everyone can throw around the cheating or the suicide or the...wait...did you see it? Yeah, the explanation is all there. I didn't cheat and I didn't do any number of things that spun out from that epicenter.

That's the real bitch of my life right now. The "shame" and humiliation of being in my shoes is unbelievable. I think it is actually what drives me to do shit like post this blog's many entries. I have lost a lot and had very little opportunity to do the things that lost me what I lost. I didn't get to sit naked in the hottub. I didn't get to fuck anyone else. I didn't get any of the stuff that has been thrown around and yet I am stewing in a funk of feeling weird everywhere I go.

My friends and associates who know Janet and me are all suddenly scary figures who may or may not understand. I don't have a forum to put up my side. I have made far too few waves to get the airtime to make my case. Shit, I haven't even really been allowed to be hurt in this. There isn't time with all the mopping up of other people's mess.

So, it takes me to this place. I'm living in a place where I bust the thing wide open and let everyone have a good look at it all. If my co-workers want to know why I am upset, I can say "my marriage is having troubles" and let it go. Then they can think any number of things. Usually it doesn't lay out what that means.

I once heard someone say they resented the simple term "HIV positive" to explain someone who was, well HIV positive. He said that the term sanitized the whole thing, that being HIV positive was a nightmare of incredible proportions.

Guess what? Hearing your wife say "we're in therapy" is pretty much a HUGE let down when what got you "there" is even partly like what I live.

So...come all and let's have anyone who wants a look take one. It is the only thing I have left. I have always needed my friends. I'm sorry that some of them "go to bat" in all the wrong ways. Shit, I do that too. I can't blame them for their intentions. They are just as half-baked as I am....and thank GOD for them.

Posted at 07:28 AM     Read More  


Tue - November 18, 2003

I'm not your fucking entertainment


"Stamped. Human bacon."

Nice. Some asshole has taken it upon himself to post messages as me to some chat forum. Hey, assholes, if you want a story or you want to watch my car-crash life, just let it unfold on its own ok? It doesn't need your goddam help.

FUCK.

Posted at 01:46 PM     Read More  

Famous


"Gonna be big as a barn and everyone will sing along..."

Went to see Robyn Hitchcock with my daughter last night. Wore the same Syd Barrett T-shirt I have worn to every single Robyn Hitchcock show I have ever seen. It has a big tear up the side where it burned when I heat set the ink in my basement about a million years ago.

I was sitting with my daughter and a man behind me asked if I got my Tshirt from "that Anderson Council" thing. He said he had something to do with one of the newsletters a couple years back. Went on to say, "yeah, something about Inky Fingers in Berkeley. Those guys." He mentioned he wore the very same t-shirt a few days before, but tonight had chosen to wear his Pink Floyd tshirt. I told him I thought I had heard of Inky Fingers and the Anderson Council.

A little time passed and the man behind me asked again if I knew where my t-shirt came from. He wanted to talk about shows he had seen. He wanted to talk bootlegs. He was boring the HELL out of me and distracting me while I was trying to enjoy dinner with my kid before seeing my hero. I was sitting there thinking how odd it is to sit next to someone who knew my "work" ten years ago. He remembered it. It had somehow touched his stupid life. He wore my tshirt a few days ago and had an immediate working knowledge of a newsletter that I published (ONCE!) and a memory of a business that had been my whole life for a while.

There was this one guy back in the day who contributed quite a lot to the Anderson Council newsletter. He also annoyed the HELL out of me back then. His name was Ory. He had every tape and every published shred about Pink Floyd from the Syd era. I was actually impressed by his collection but hated talking to him.

Finally, while the guy behind me was boring me to death with some story about some Syd cover or another, I asked who he knew over at Inky Fingers and the Anderson Council. He said there was a guy...uh...Michael he thinks. I said, "yeah, there was a Michael there." He went on..."yeah, and a guy named Rick ran it all."

In the end I asked, "so, what is your name?" In fact, I was pretty sure I knew who it was though he looked nothing like he used to. He was reading a lawschool text and drinking a shot of something. Not the annoying ruffled kid that I grew so sick of.

"I'm Ory" he said, and I didn't really expect anything else. Then he asked me who I was. I paused and made it maximally dramatic and said, "and I'm Rick."

You would have thought I was some kind of fucking hero to this guy. No joke. This guy has had NO life since I last saw him...except he has two kids and has started law school. I mean, yeah, his whole life is as different as mine but he's still as boring as ever stuck in some world of Syd bootlegs and stories about shows he saw back when. He's a serious loser.

Did I mention I was wearing a t-shirt I wore to every single Robyn Hitchcock show I have seen? Wanna hear about the time I saw him with the Egyptians and they went straight from "Railway Shoes" into "Uncorrected Personality Traits"...?

Losers all of us...though, I'd like to think some of us are more famous losers than others.

Posted at 07:40 AM     Read More  


Mon - November 17, 2003

Dominoes


"Wasting time with dominoes. A day so dark, so warm, life that comes to no harm."

Started today excited. It had the best of every possible world in it. It wasn't a neutral day either. Then, like bubbles popping, every last bit of anything worth a fuck slowly vanished. I just want today to be over. I want nothing that I now feel like I don't deserve. I want to be left alone by the gods who would fuck with me. I just want to be free of the shame and humiliation of having gotten a little too excited about the new toys under the tree, you know?

Fuck.

It just proves that it is better not to expect a damned thing and to be surprised that once in a decade when something great happens to you. Then again, trying to make the best of it maybe I need to remember that it isn't my job to be here to take or to enjoy my own things. It is my place to lend without expecting to get anything back, to give without strings, to help without expectation. It is a lot nicer when I'm in the right place to be that guy. Today I just want to not do today anymore.

There were cool dreams last night. I didn't update them this morning because I was on cloud nine about tonight. Now I just don't give a fuck about some lame-assed blog. The dream report can wait.

Posted at 05:01 PM     Read More  


Fri - November 14, 2003

Treachery


"...So that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in."

I always liked the "mean" solo that follows that line. Sorry to reference the quote too much there, just Dave's ability to put a "meean" and "nice" solo in songs is really clear there. Same key...Same notes in lots of cases...the difference is all in the intention and feeling...dang, I wish I could do that.

But that's not what I came here to talk about. I came to talk about the draft...and to ask a few questions...

Do ALL men suck? I don't think so. But, why is it that Michael (a guy I don't know yet who has graced me with his presence) is the sorta guy who would do treacherous sex slurping nastiness? I mean, if Michael and Sonya are dating (and I believe they are to a degree) then why in the hell would he ask Janet to go back to her hotel room with him? I mean, the guy pushed for a ride home, then asked Janet for late night coffee (none of that odd really) and then asked outright if it was ok to go back to her room to fuck. Does that makes sense? Why would this guy try that? What a scumbag. He's clearly just looking for a quick fuck at anyone's expense...in this case...Janet's. Yes, Micheal, she was vulnerable and it might have been an easy score...but, you sicken me.

On the flipside, why the hell would Michael then tell Sony that he went out with Janet that night (just the ride home part) and that she sure was acting odd. Is that a big setup for when it comes out that you tried to fuck her? Is that so you can discredit her story? What a great boyfriend you are. Or, wait, maybe Michael has "understandings" too. I may be speaking out of turn here.

But...in the end...Michael and Sony...you two work it out for yourselves. Sony...SRB...you might like to know your beau is a sleazebag. Or you know it and are fine with it. Michael...you might like to know that people know what you are about. You are the sorta guy who would get in line to have meaningless sex with a suicidal person who would be an easy target.

You sicken me.

Posted at 07:27 AM     Read More  


Wed - November 12, 2003

Suicide Attempt


"I told you I wasn't kidding"

Pretty simple all you out there. Janet is now in the Kaiser Emergency ward. Why? She tried to kill herself. No worries, some of you were sure she just needed to buck up.

Have you ever had to explain suicide to a 10 or 6 year old? I love my life. I have a razor that has been in my wife's flesh hanging around my neck. Crazy man.

Oh, don't get up. I'll take care of it.

Posted at 05:40 AM     Read More  


Tue - November 11, 2003

In short


"And in the end, as the last few corpses lay rotting..."

I'm pretty much done being blamed. I'm pretty much done sitting still and then being told I'll have to step up and take responsibility. I'm pretty much worn the fuck out. I'm sick of the whole model of reality in which I am the evil-doer who is about to pull the plug on the baby's life support even though such vailant bla bla bla have been done. Yes, sure, fine, good things may be afoot. Fine. If they are good, they will be good. Great. Ok. Enough already. I'm not a hostage.

I'm tired of being raped. I'm tired of being a badguy for moving if I don't want to be raped. I'm tired of holding my tongue to make sure things are kind and nice and not cruel. Fuck that. No one is watching out form my anything, so why am I walking even as lightly as I have. If you are saying that is ironic because I've been a right-asshole in how harsh I have been...well, just know that you HAVE had the watered down version.

I'm done. No more unhealthy seeming posts. Oh, sure, I'm gonna keep the bright lights on. But, for me, and those who need me...I'm going to take care of this. I can't exactly sit around telling others to do what is right and then not do it myself. I have kept looking for the 'out' and keep making it worse.

My GOD what a rambling entry. I think I need to post the bits individually from here. But, here's to doing what is right.

Take all you can, and give nothing back.

Posted at 10:52 AM     Read More  


Fri - November 7, 2003

Who the hell is Michael??


Fucking junkmail, or not?

I spent the day looking through Blogs from folks who know Ray and Ron and sure do have a lot to say about them. Sonya (who I believe I know) sure does paint a dim picture of Ron. Ray, well, he's an asshole of different proportions. But, Michael??? Why did you send me this link??? What the fuck. I'll post up some juicy bits later...what is the deal?

Still...Ray and Ron live up to everything I might want. And, Michael, you are a drunk. Get help. Of course, Blogs are fiction. Everyone knows that. You should get over your crush on Sophia too. Or, maybe you all like slupring, loose hippie sex. Just don't share notes. Right?

Jesus, it is really disgusting.

Posted at 11:09 AM     Read More  


Thu - November 6, 2003

Self Determination


"I got pig iron, all pig iron"

I've pretty much decided that things ARE usually what they seem. I have reams of endless proof. I'm bored. I'm going to try to make the best out of a bad joke and laugh it off.

You know, blogs are stupid.

Posted at 07:44 PM     Read More  


Wed - November 5, 2003

My latest Muse


"It was mine in the first place, so I'll burn it to ash"

I actually had someone today, in the same conversation, tell me that they missed my Poof emails and Rant. It is a long story, but I realized that it really IS my job to entertain the world with every last bit of the things that frighten the world. I have always been the one to say things out loud that others don't want published. It has always fascinated me how bold people are in private and then how quickly they crumble in public. It is not my business to be the purveyor of other people's secrets, but I'm reminded of Larry Flynt's answer when told he was a bottom feeder.

"Yeah, I'm down on the bottom...but look what I found!"

Anyway, I realized it is time to go public with a little drama to end all dramas. Maybe it is time to pick my sorry self up and stop with the whiney crap. It is time to entertain people with my train wrecks. Time to bring comfort to the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. I can think of a couple of people who I think I'd like to afflict...smug fuckers.

Well, stay tuned. You won't like to look, but you won't look away. And, the characters will leave bleeding.

Ahhhh, life is good again.

That said...well, let's not beat around any bushes. Keep an eye open for two new categories here at blog central. I'll try to update the Ron and Ray sections regularly...I promise.

Sophia? You reading? Ahh, everyone's here.

Posted at 03:45 PM     Read More  

Waiting for the sock to drop


"It's anti-gravity man."

Don't know how exactly to put this entry into perspective. Don't know what perspective to have. Keep trying and working on it and I come up with a big hole. It is the third morning that I have been in charge of the kids and it is the third morning that has had not a single loud word uttered in my house. Syd and TR have both made their beds, brushed teeth, cleaned up things, eaten breakfast, bla bla bla and all without any struggle. We haven't had to push to get to the bus any morning. The most excitement I can come up with is that Syd and TR had two seconds of friction over playing lego yesterday when Syd didn't want to and TR did. Syd said she'd play with him after school, before piano, and he said ok. That was the excitement.

My house is usually full of all sorts of tension. It is usually a fucking mess. These days it has been really nice. We cooked dinner and ate in front of the fire. Syd did her homework without me pushing at her. TR and Syd are both taking showers this morning as they last took them a day ago. That may not mean anything to anyone, but neither takes showers that frequently. Syd and I didn't fight about her hair combing. TR got up early so he could make his own lunch.

My point, stupid tech diary, is that the world is waiting for the shoe to drop. The collective "they" wants to see ol' Rick struggle and have things go totally haywire to make it clear that he's just not able to do this. Turns out, there's nothing to really do. These are great kids who can be reasoned with. There may be a sock that is gonna fall, but no shoes. I'm starting to believe that there just doesn't have to be impending doom.

I didn't say that didn't cause a lot of short term psychic turmoil. It is just odd that the turmoil comes painted like a serene vista with a clown and a puppy in it.

Posted at 06:13 AM     Read More  
Very few rules to guide
In summary
As much as you can
Self Determination
Impending Doom and Poker Faces
Party is off
I guess I DO suck
Exhaustion
Where to start...

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