Broadcast


"It's a one to many relationship beginning with something so small no one knows it wasn't there."

I'm thinking a lot about issues of privacy. I am sure the thoughts come at least originally from the recent posting of this URL and all the "troll" stuff that goes with it. Actually, no, it comes from Sony's comments about someone being insane and telling everyone he works with about his personal life.

See, the people I work with and who work for me are all my closest friends. I'd have a really hard time NOT letting these people into my life...especially given how my life is right now. I have known so many of these people for such a long time (some decades) and I have watched them live through terrible things and they have certainly carried me through a lot of the recent things. The more I think about it, the more urgent it is to me to have these relationships.

Now, that doesn't mean that everyone in the world is comfortable with spilling their guts about things like I have had going in my life lately. I mean, not everyone can throw around the cheating or the suicide or the...wait...did you see it? Yeah, the explanation is all there. I didn't cheat and I didn't do any number of things that spun out from that epicenter.

That's the real bitch of my life right now. The "shame" and humiliation of being in my shoes is unbelievable. I think it is actually what drives me to do shit like post this blog's many entries. I have lost a lot and had very little opportunity to do the things that lost me what I lost. I didn't get to sit naked in the hottub. I didn't get to fuck anyone else. I didn't get any of the stuff that has been thrown around and yet I am stewing in a funk of feeling weird everywhere I go.

My friends and associates who know Janet and me are all suddenly scary figures who may or may not understand. I don't have a forum to put up my side. I have made far too few waves to get the airtime to make my case. Shit, I haven't even really been allowed to be hurt in this. There isn't time with all the mopping up of other people's mess.

So, it takes me to this place. I'm living in a place where I bust the thing wide open and let everyone have a good look at it all. If my co-workers want to know why I am upset, I can say "my marriage is having troubles" and let it go. Then they can think any number of things. Usually it doesn't lay out what that means.

I once heard someone say they resented the simple term "HIV positive" to explain someone who was, well HIV positive. He said that the term sanitized the whole thing, that being HIV positive was a nightmare of incredible proportions.

Guess what? Hearing your wife say "we're in therapy" is pretty much a HUGE let down when what got you "there" is even partly like what I live.

So...come all and let's have anyone who wants a look take one. It is the only thing I have left. I have always needed my friends. I'm sorry that some of them "go to bat" in all the wrong ways. Shit, I do that too. I can't blame them for their intentions. They are just as half-baked as I am....and thank GOD for them.

Posted: Thu - November 20, 2003 at 07:28 AM      

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