Christians Vow to Fight Other Theories

Buoyed by their success against evolution, church leaders have announced a new initiative to combat public teaching of other "diabolical" theories, such as gravity and the so-called "round earth" theory.

In a rare show of inter-denominational solidarity, Christian advocates of numerous sects gathered in Rome, Washington DC, Birmingham, and Fresno to express their support for elimination of additional unproven theories from the American educational system. While all the groups sang and carried signs, the spokesman for the groups was Cardinal Alphonse Richlieu in Rome.

"These are just theories," stated Richlieu. "No one has proven that things are 'attracted' to each other by gravity. If that were true, the heavier a person was, the more attractive he would be. What nonsense!"

The church is advancing a counter-theory, known as Residentialist attraction, which posits that people are attracted to the Earth because God put us here, and that's where we belong. "If we want to ascend to heaven, we must ask God," Richlieu explained. "By nature we are drawn down; to Earth while we live, to the fires below when we depart. Only by divine intervention can we be elevated."

"The Bible says nothing about gravity," Richlieu added, noting that no one has ever proven gravity exists. "Where are the photos?" asked Richlieu. "Who can show me a bushel or a liter of gravity?" (Editor's note: a liter is approximately 1 quart.)

When asked how to explain that the Earth orbits the sun without the pull of gravity, in light of the church's recent decision that Galileo was correct on that point, Richlieu admitted that the Galileo decision "may have been hasty."

"Perhaps the universe rotates around us, at the center of God's creation, after all," Richlieu went on. "New theories of physics posit multiple dimensions, strings curled in on themselves, strange quarks; perhaps the physical universe is inside-out. These things are constantly being debated by the so-called experts."

Richlieu was less vocal in his opposition to the "round earth" theory, though he dismissed photos from space as less than proof. "Don't believe everything you see in photographs," he remarked. "Have you ever heard of PhotoShop?"

He did not actually condemn "round earth" advocates as heretics, however, stating that, while the Bible does not say the Earth is round, neither does it specifically state that the Earth is flat, leaving the topic "open for honest debate" among the faithful. Advocates of the "round earth" theory will be allowed to continue receiving communion until the church has had more time to ponder the question.

Asked for comment at a White House press luncheon, President Bush said "These are serious questions. People want to know if the Earth is round, if we're going to fall off. We need to study these things, not jump to hasty conclusions. The verdict is still out on this until later on, when we know more. Which we will, in time. As a nation, together. Under God. We're not going to let terrorists separate us. The tragedy of 9/11 has brought us together. We're going to save Social Security, stay the course in Iraq. Smoke the terrorists out and hunt them down. If they think they can teach unproven theories to little school children, innocent little children, I say 'Bring 'em on. Let's party.'"

The President went on at some length, with sometimes slurred speech, then mounted a bicycle and crashed into a policeman. The President was unharmed, and waved-off Secret Service agents, smiling and waving to the press. The policeman, Sergeant Aaron Job, was admitted to Walter Reed hospital in serious condition.

Despite repeated calls, God could not be reached for comment.