High Court Clears Way for Sony-Comcast Merger with Catholic Church

The United States Supreme Court ruled today that a proposed merger between media giant Sony-Comcast and the Roman Catholic Church, one of the top three religions nationally, would not violate the US constitution and would not constitute what opponents had called a "mental opiate monopoly."

Critics had pointed out that with the addition of a major religion, the Holy Sony-Comcast Catholic Faith Media, GmbH would control not only the traditional mind-numbing agents of superstition and dogmatic ignorance, but also more modern carriers of brain nullity such as talk radio, reality television, and Quentin Tarantino. The high court rebuffed these arguments, ruling that Tarantino is a free agent and that substantial competition from pharmaceutical companies and the Republican party are sufficient to maintain a free market for vacuity in the national marketplace of ideas.

The board of Sony-Comcast released a statement that the high court decision was "pleasing to God and Sony-Comcast shareholders," and denied any tie-ins between the book of Revelations, the new "Abominations" television series, and the upcoming simultaneous release of the motion picture trilogy "Rapture," "Eternally Damned," and "Kill Bill 3, the Revenge-a-thon Continues."

Alan Colmes, radical left spokesperson from Fox News' "Hannity and Colmes," called the decision "sort of questionable," but scolded the UN for citing the merger as a "program for weapons of mass distraction" and praised the compromise bill introduced by Tom Delay and Joseph Lieberman to make the pontiff an honorary tenth member of the high court. The president assured the press that the pontiff would rule "only in the event of a tie."

When questioned about this, White House press secretary Scott McClellan criticized the "fuzzy math" behind assertions that a nine-member court cannot have a tie, asserting that "in many well-known cases, four equals five."

This fact was later confirmed in a news report released on videotape by the newly renamed Department of Truth, and supported by a bull from His Holiness Takeshita I.