Dispatches from the British Museum

It seems Cyrus's son Cymbeses took over the empire when Cyrus was killed campaigning on the Indus, or maybe the Oxus; anyway, even though everyone knows that Cyrus (the Great) conquered Egypt, it fell on Cymbese to break the news to the Egyptians, ¹  who took it pretty hard (they had to be killed in great numbers before they could come to terms with their sadness).

But Cymbeses was a patient counselor, so he stayed there in Egypt and kept killing Egyptians, and killing them, and so on, until their attitude became realistic and they resolved to be good citizens until he went away. Which was about all you could ask for, back then. ²

This created a temporary administrative problem, however, because even today you can't control the Iranians from Egypt. And back then... man, back then it was hard to be sure they were still there--maybe they had become Sythians or Bactrians, or Parthians, or something, while you were away. These things happen, sometimes.

So Cymbeses made his brother Viceroy of the East, and they split control of the country between them. (The Romans would try the same trick five hundred years later, incidentally.)  ³

No sooner had Cymbeses calmed the Egyptians into terrified obedience than a rumor started going around that Cymbeses' brother was no longer Viceroy in the East; that his place had been taken by an imposter.

So, the king mounts up with his loyal bodyguard of loyal generals, including the really, really loyal Darius, and heads East. Only they're no sooner out of sight from the city than Cymbeses has an accident; it seems his sheath breaks while he's mounting his horse, he stabs himself in the femoral artery, and before you can say "Gee, which of us should be king now, maybe you, Darius?" he bleeds to death.

But not before he manages to gasp out "You guys go on without me; if that isn't my brother, kill him and choose a new king, someone from among yourselves. I don't know--maybe you, Darius?"

Well wouldn't you know it, the other guy IS an imposter; he swears he's the king's brother, but Darius and the other guards see right through him, which is soon a lot easier because of all the holes. Anyway, that's all water under the Babylonian aqueduct, because now he's Emperor Darius, most loyal successor to His Majesty the other, old, former emperor, praised be his name. (Except in Egypt, where they still tell stories about him that would curl your hair.)  ⁴

Now, you might be forgiven for wondering if maybe Darius started the rumor of an imposter in the first place, killed the emperor as soon as they got into the desert, then rode into the eastern capitol and killed his brother, took over, and just made the rest up.

I wonder, myself, actually. But that's certainly not how Darius tells it.  ⁵

The broken scabbard responsible for poor Cymbeses' death, by the way, was for a little dagger-like sword that all the guys wore back then.

The scabbard looked exactly like a penis and scrotum, only slightly more bulbous and just a little exagerated in size.  ⁶

This kind of scabbard was called a vagina--a word we still use today. Although somewhat sparingly. And not for anything that looks like a big metal penis.

There's a moral in here, somewhere, I just know it...

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