Recidivism-TM
Conniption-fm
for the pain of difficulty
Side effects include itching, scratching, doodling, drooling, humming, gastritis, and divorce from reality. Side effects of Conniption-fm are similar to a sugar pill. Conniption-fm is a sugar pill, with a patented bitter coating.
Also available as a liquid, gel, powder, or a wraith-like halo of smoke.
• Ask your pharmacist, therapist, or busboy about Conniption-fm.
Chosenall-ex
a covenant of extra-strength
Side effects include diaspora, circumcision, liberal culture, and occasional holocaust. Not similar to a sugar pill, except in a very general way. Exercise caution when using Chosenall-ex in proximity to teutons, Joe Stalin, or in conjunction with autonomous statehood.
• Ask your rabbi about Chosenall-ex, but say it's not for you; it's for a friend.
Genuflex with Regis
strong leadership for weak minds
If your republic suffers from incipient late-onset imperialism, ask your doctor about Genuflex. Side effects include stuffy ballot-box, short-sightedness, self-inflicted wounds, global overextension, armies of occupation, nausea, and constitutional evaporation.
• If democracy or idealism persist, consult your demagogue.
Rise-alix
for flaccid pee-pee
Great. Now what are you going to do with it? Never mind, forget we asked. Side effects include blindness, delusions of gender, obliviousness to actual age, childishness, heart attack, and occasional itching. Rise-alix will not get you a girlfriend.
• Warning: If erection lasts more than 3 hours, monkeys will suddenly fly out of your butt (this warning provided solely to sell pills to people hoping for 3+ hour erections).
Prolix
for a cat-free tongue
Side effects may include logorrhea, constipated prose, subjunctive discourse, dangling participles, split infinitives, and occasional run-on sentences. Not to be taken in conjunction with antidisestablishmentarianism.
• Ask your doctor if it's concievable that perhaps something like this could be beneficial to a person more or less in your condition, statistically speaking, that is, and given the usual caveats and disclaimers.
Evangelize-JC
freedom from thought
Provides complete explanations for everything, without critical thinking. Side effects may include crusades, pogroms, inquisitions, the thirty-years war, inflammatory political response, knee jerk reactions, and retaliatory Jihad. Not to be taken in conjunction with Chosenall-ex.
• Ask your God to forgive you, for you know not what you do.
Noregardatol
for contemptuous dismissal
Relieve the strain of debate. Contemptuous dismissal is an ad hominem response to painful facts and irritating questions. Noregardatol enhances your natural defensiveness, allowing you to denigrate and slur completely anyone who questions your actions or, god forbid, your motives. Side effects include swollen head, rigid one-sidedness, and defenestration.
• Ask your doctor why the people who question you hate America so much.
Martyrin-BC
sudden relief from troubling reality
A powerful explosive decongestant for civilization and its discontents. This combination of modern chemistry and 11th century world view helps you eliminate germs, enemies, neighbors, innocent bystanders, and yourself, all in a single short blast, without surgery. Side effects include heat, concussion, searing pain, and a crippling inability to adapt to the real world. Do not take Martyrin-BC if you have a conscience, plans for the weekend, or a reason to live.
• Ask your mullah why the jews are to blame for your many failures.
Placebo DS
double strength nonintervention, when you need it most
Millions of studies worldwide have shown Placebo to have a positive effect on every kind of suffering known to man. New double-strength Placebo DS has twice the inactive ingredient that makes Placebo inert. Side effects are remarkably similar to a sugar pill, with fewer calories.
• Ask your doctor if it's safe for you to have twice as much placebo.
