A Quaker prayer…

We give them back to you, dear Lord,
who gave them to us.

Yet as you did not lose them in giving,
so we have not lost them by their return.

For what is yours is ours always
if we are yours.

And life is eternal
and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon,

and a horizon is nothing more
than the limit of our sight.

(Shared by Nell Ward with the Berner-L on the passing of Sunny, March 8, 2004)

From: Elizabeth
Date: Sun Jun 15, 2003
To: BMDCNVmembers@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: [BMDCNVmembers] Do Dogs Go To Heaven?

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Missed the part about "without getting philosophical" 'til I was done writing, so I hope you don't mind...

The process of losing Tycho was very eye-opening for me, spiritually. Claiming the title of Christian does not give one all the answers and I have my fair share of questions about "what happens next." I used to get the "heebie-jeebies" about the idea of cremation — why make it harder for God to put you back together again... But then Tycho died and I wasn't comfortable just leaving her remains with the vet — whatever happens to them after that... I couldn't face that sense of discarding her, and every bit of Tycho was treasured beyond measure, even if she, herself, what made her Tycho, wasn't there any more...

But in the days that followed, as we adjusted to this loss — the first time for me to deal with all the decisions associated with the death of a dog -- I had a very strong sense that she wasn't just gone and done... She had too much spirit and soul to have it all just snuffed out permanently by a simple little needle sliding into a vein. And it seemed to me that I could still feel that spirit "just over there" — just beyond reach, maybe, but still there. That feeling lingered for a couple of months, and again, it seemed to me that when I had reached a point of being able to bear the loss a little better, that was when she moved a little further away, leaving me in Zoey's care. Each year on the anniversary of her death I would take Zoey, who knew her, to the beach, and we would stare up at the stars and I would talk to Zoey about Tycho and look for signs of remembrance as she listened to me.

One of the hardest parts of that loss was not having a reason to say her beautiful name several times a day — because a name takes on the character and quality of the creature to whom you've assigned it. Because of feeling that these dogs are truly spiritual beings who are given corporeal form for a while, as are we, I don't mind the idea of cremation any more... If it's good enough for my dogs, it's good enough for me. We have a friend who has all of her dogs' ashes in little urns and her standing instructions for her own passing include mixing their ashes with her own and then casting them out together on the ocean. The remains are a sort of memento of a journey, but I'm certain we'll see those spirits again, this time placed in wonderful new and perfect bodies — bodies that are as God really intended — as beautiful as they were the first time around, but perfect, healthy, sound and energized, better than the old ones that were left behind damaged, sore, tired and achy.

When Zoey passed this feeling was reinforced... Zoey was very contemplative, had a tremendous sense of responsibility, and was also very soulful. At that time I wrote:

=====================

Zoey let us know she'd had just about enough, although her tail still wagged. On the morning of September 20, we helped her find that deep sleep that had eluded her for so long. A little later that afternoon she woke up in a dark green meadow of grass — that perfect length where it just about needs to be mowed — under an immense shade tree by the perfect pond. She rolled over onto her back, twisting back and forth in that lovely fresh grass and discovered that annoying little bump in the middle of her back wasn't there... She stretched her head out to get the top of her nose in on this wonderful experience and discovered that big bump was gone, too! She can see! She flopped over on her side and thumped her tail once. She breathed in deeply, let it out in a huge sigh and then remembered that she hadn't been able to do that for a long time. Standing up, she shook thoroughly and had a look around... What was it mom said? Go find Tycho? That dog was always wandering off somewhere she shouldn't... And mom said she'd be along soon... Wow, the smells here are glorious!

And because it's a perfect world there with perfect time, we WILL be along in time for supper and Zoey will come running to meet us, saying "look who I found! Tycho was being bad as usual, but I found her! What's my grandmother making us for supper?"

======================

It takes only minimal imagination for me to see this. And it follows for me, that if Heaven is perfect, then it will be true.

Hugs to you as you adjust to a world without the physical presence of your friend in it...

--Elizabeth

========================
Elizabeth Malcolmson with
UUD Ledgewood's Ptolemy, UDX, DD, Can. CDX & DD
Remembering Tycho & Zoey, treasured beyond measure
Rockport, MA, USA

Childen and the expected death of a pet

Someone requested help from the Berner-L in explaining the impending death of their dog to their four-year-old child. This informed reply seemed to cover the bases really well. Thanks to Mary-Ann Bowman for allowing me to use this here.

Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005
From: Mary-Ann Bowman
Subject: Kids and grief

The loss of a pet is often the first death experience that a child will have in his/her life. A four year old does not have the ability to understand the "forever" nature of death and is likely to think it is temporary. S/he might also worry that others will leave. It is smart to consider how best to handle the impending loss of a pet.

Make sure that you do not use words like "go to sleep" or "put to sleep" because when you are a child going to bed after that can be pretty scary! Use real words -- dead, died -- and not "gone," "lost," etc. How people explain death to a child depends a lot on spiritual beliefs. People I work with typically believe that there is a body and a soul/spirit and that is easier to explain to a young child. You can take a glove or a shoe and explain that without the hand/foot, the glove or shoe cannot work -- it is the hand/foot that makes the glove or shoe seem "alive" and that is how it is when the body gets so sick that it cannot work anymore and the spirit has to leave. Without the spirit the body is not alive anymore.

If the spirit/soul doesn't fit with a family's belief system, then I suggest focusing on the fact that the body got so very sick and it couldn't work anymore. Make sure you emphasize that most of the time when people and animals get sick they get better but sometimes (not often) the body can't get better and then, no matter how much the person or dog wants to stay with us, the body stops working and the dog dies (even though s/he didn't want to).

If I had a small child and a very sick dog, I would start preparing the child by talking about how worried I was that maybe my dog would not get better. Again, I would talk about how usually dogs and people DO get better but sometimes they can't, as hard as they try, and that I am afraid this might be one of those times. I would mention this without any big "discussion" -- just in a normal conversations. I would also normalize reactions by saying that it is okay to cry and feel sad and mad when someone is that sick, and it is okay if mommy and daddy cry (parents crying is very hard for kids so good to prepare them). I would answer all questions honestly, and talk about it enough that it is not a surprise when the dog does die.

I would start a memory book with the child. S/he could draw pictures and/or dictate stories about favorite things about the dogs or favorite memories. Take lots of pictures. Talk about the dog a lot, and insert how worried you are that s/he might not get better, even though everyone is trying their best to help him be better.

When the time comes, I probably would not let a four year old attend a euthanasia as I think that would be hard to explain. I would let a child attend a "natural" death if the child had good adult support and wanted to be there but think euthanasia is a hard concept for a small child to wrap his/her mind around. I would expect a child to think the parents "killed" the dog because that is actually accurate and kids are very literal. I would probably have the child someplace else during a euthanasia but allow him/her to see the body after it was done. When I work with a family who has a child die, I like to have siblings help me make hand/foot molds and prints so this is something I would definitely do with a child whose pet has
died -- make pawprints, Clip hair. Pet the dog and talk to him/her. You want to normalize death as much as possible, and not let it be a big, scary thing for a child. I would have a memorial service in the home -- nothing fancy but maybe candles, a couple of talks and sharing of memories -- whatever fits your family's belief system.

After the death, expect lots of questions and the same ones again and again. Little kids do not have the verbal skills to express complex feelings so you will see the feelings in the language of children, which is play. Expect sad and mad -- those are the usual grief feelings of kids. It is normal for kids to be confused as they try to understand things. One five year old told me his brother lives in the dirt with Jesus. Another little person wondered why the family did not just keep his brother instead of burying him in the ground. It is normal to have to explain things to kids again and again. I would definitely try to steer clear of the euthanasia subject (without lying) because a child will not understand the big concepts that allow adults to think euthanasia is an acceptable alternative. I have worked with 10-12 years olds who think their parents killed their siblings because the parents allowed the removal of life support when there was no chance of survival -- it is a very hard concept for kids.

Mary-Ann Bowman, Ph.D., MSW
Bereavement Program Coordinator
Primary Children's Medical Center
Salt Lake City

I've lost this so many times that I'm storing it here for safe-keeping... A wonderful Berner person gave me this recipe when Tycho would no longer eat much of anything and I still remember Tycho's look of "if I bite her maybe she'll give me more" as I packaged up the treats for storing in the refrigerator. When your dog loses his or her appetite, these meatballs can be tempting as well as nutritious. Do NOT make the whole recipe. You probably don't have a bowl big enough anyway.

HG's Magic Meatballs

10 lbs cheap hamburger meat (more fat)
20 envelopes of Knox unflavored gelatin
20 egg YOLKS
2 12 oz jars of Wheat Germ
2 Regular size boxes of Total cereal
2 Cups of Molasses
2 Cups corn oil
1/4 cup salt (optional)

DO NOT COOK !!!!!

In a large bowl break up the meat, add the remaining ingredients and mix well with your hands at least 10 minutes or until all is mixed well. Form into 1/2 lb patties or the size desirable for your dog and freeze in individual plastic bags. Each night, take out what you will need the next day. Feed as a supplement.