A sampling of Asimov's favorite jokes.

The following jokes were selected from Asimov's own book titled "Asimov Laughs Again. More than 700 favorite jokes, limericks, and Anecdotes" This book is a collection of Asimov's own jokes, as well as his interpretation of jokes he has heard throughout his life. This book also happen to be Asimov's last published book before his death. ISBN number 0-06-016826-9.

-Number 538 - Timothy Seldes had a beautiful secretary who was six feet tall, a full four inches taller than I was. We were walking down the Doubleday corridor one day when she said, "Does it bother you, Isaac, to be walking with a woman who is taller than you are?" "Not at all," I said. "You're only taller because we're vertical. If we were to lie down on our backs, I'd be taller than you."

-Number 702 - "Doc [which is what he called me], a deaf and dumb guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand. The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, paid for them and left. Well, Doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?"

Induigently, I lifted my right hand and made scissoring motions with the first two fingers. Whereupon my garage mechanic laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, he used his voice and said, 'May I buy a pair of scissors?'"

In a way, that is the most unusual joke I know. For one thing, I have repeated it innumerable times in the course of lectures to large audiences. When I get to the part where I make scissoring motions with my fingers, the audience is always perfectly quiet. Not a whisper. Not a snicker. Then, when I come out with the punch line, the whole place rocks with laughter. It has never, never failed. And I always end by saying, when the laughter dies down, "Caught you all, didn't I?" For another thing, I incorporated the joke into a small essay I wrote which began, "What is intelligence, anyway?"

-Number 170 - The huge ship was barreling through the waters one inky night (in the days before radar) and you can imagine the captain's indignation when he saw, up ahead, other lights coming closer. Cholerically, he ordered the message sent ahead, "Veer off!" The message came back, "You veer off." The captain, beside himself, had the message sent off, "Veer off, you blasted idiot. This is a battleship coming toward you." And almost at once a message came back, "Well, think it over. This is a lighthouse coming toward you."

-Number 308 - As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn't quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking. Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. "My Teddy," he said, "can beat your Dolly." "Your Teddy," scoffed Laverty, "doesn't move." "Bet!" said Sloane. The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved. Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy. The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly.

Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on. Teddy just sat there without budging. "Sugar, Teddy. Sugar," said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned. Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, "If you don't get out there, Teddy, I'm going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles." That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport. Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously. Laverty said bitterly, "You knew the damn thing could teleport." "No, I didn't," said Sloane, "but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing." "How come?" "It's an old saying everyone knows. Sloane's Teddy wins the race."

-Number 250 - Mr. Ginsberg went into Ratner's Dairy Restaurant every day at precisely twelve and he invariably ordered the same thing, a large bowl of matzo-ball soup. So routine was this event over the decades that every noon, as Ginsberg seated himself-always in the same seat, which was saved for him-the waiter deftly slipped a large bowl of piping fresh matzo-ball soup before him and watched with gratification as Ginsberg began to inhale it with the greatest of gusto.

But on this particular day, Ginsberg did no such thing. He merely sat and stared at the soup. After an agonizing few minutes, the waiter approached. "What's the matter, Mr. Ginsberg, is the soup too cold for you? I'll heat it up." Ginsberg growled, "Taste it!" The waiter said, "I don't have to taste it. Just tell me. Is it too hot? I'll fan it. Does it need salt? Pepper? I'll fix it." Ginsberg growled, "Taste it, I tell you." "All right. All right. Don't get mad. I'll taste it." The waiter's eyes wandered over the table. "But where's the spoon?" And Ginsberg shouted in fury, "A-ha-a-a-a."