Near Campus Slumlord Housing Inc.

Students of Illinois State University, do you remember how your grandfather would always lord it over you that he walked twelve miles to school through eighteen inches of snow uphill both ways? Do you remember him proclaiming that when he returned home to the hollowed out log sitting in the middle of a snake infested swamp there was no television or video games to keep him occupied? Do you remember him telling you that for amusement he let his older brothers and sisters pummel him about the head and neck with a large board containing a single, rusty nail? You do? Well, now you have the opportunity to make grandpa eat his words, for now you have the opportunity to rent from Near Campus Slumlord Housing Inc.

Yes, that is right, starting at just $200 a month, you get your very own corner in one of Near Campus Slumlord Housing Incorporated's claustrophobic ten person rooms overlooking the site of last nights drive-by-shooting. For the more money conscious, $20 will get you a corner with a view where the blood is less fresh, but you still get all the amenities that you will come to expect from Near Campus Slumlord Housing Inc.: hot and cold running sludge, wiring personally rejected by Thomas Alva Edison, wild fraternity drink-a-thons and floor breaking parties from 12:30-3:30 AM Tuesday through Sunday, a box springs to sleep upon, the patented "Old Urinal" scent worked lovingly into the carpet, and at least one roommate paid to make your life miserable. If that is not enough, there is also our award winning customer service. Yes, we may be out to screw you out of all your money, but at least we are rude about it.

So, when your next family gathering comes around think about us, Near Campus Slumlord Housing Inc.: Housing to tell your grandchildren about.