Attention General Public!
A threat of mind numbing proportions is slowly seeping its way into the great American culture. An evil so horrendous that is threatens to rip our very lives apart like so much bread and place it between their teeth and start chewing. A diabolical force that will someday swallow our immortal souls if we do nothing to stop it. A demonic congregation known as Grade School Bands! In this document I shall outline the sadistic plans of the Band Instructors, give a brief description of the tools of their attempt at world conquest and finally explain how you can help stop this malevolent menace before it engulfs your town.
The plan of these Band Instructors is this: to subjugate the populace of the world to their daemonic will. They wish to turn this great land of freedom and opportunity into a feeding ground for Hells debased pleasures and need for cheap labor. They plan to take everything that is near and dear to our hearts and toss it into the raging flames of Perdition so that all we are left is the ashen memories of our hopes and dreams. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they seek nothing less than the complete and total ruination of this land and these lives of ours! But will we let them? Of course not!
You maybe be asking yourselves, what power do these demon spawn Band Instructors have to impress their vision of Hell upon us. What weapon could they possibly use to defeat the combined force of the freedom-loving American people. A people willing to give their all in pursuit of liberty and justice for all the peoples of the world! Well, Ill tell you, ladies and gentlemen. Ill tell you what army these Band Directors from the Eternal Abyss shall use to usurp the very rights that we hold to be self-evident. An army of the one thing that even we courageous Americans dread to envision. An army marching from our darkest nightmares. An army of our own children!
You gasp. You moan. You plead. You beg. You say,"Surely, this can not be!" But, my friends, I must inform you it is. These cruel, conniving, cowardly, dastardly, villainous, vicious, despicable, damnedable Grade School Band Instructors our arming our sweet, innocent, helpless babies against us. They have taken our children, divided them up into corps, convinced unsuspecting parents to purchase several hundred dollar instruments of mass destruction and turned them loose on the general public. This is fact. This has happened. What do we do now? What we do now, ladies and gentlemen, is we learn about this army, study its strengths and weaknesses, exploit our knowledge and show these Machievelian Musicmen that the great people of the United States of America will pull up with their evil doing no more! Are you with me? Good!