not good.
i have a nearly unbearable pain that
has something to do with a frustrated drive to create, and it hurts physically,
even. my heart... the pain is in my heart. maybe i will die. i am a teacher.
why? to teach well is to give oneself to a receptive mind, but to give so much
leaves me empty and numb, without enough time to think or to feel or to express
what needs to be expressed. i will die if i cannot create, i will die and keep
on living. it's unbearably sad.
i think i like teaching, but i don't
understand the business of it. i am not good in faculty meetings. i interrupt
and don't filter my comments. if i try to contain myself, my body gets all
impatient- i stand up, i sit down, i bend over to pick things up that didn't
drop, just so i can move. i try to sit on the floor so it won't be obvious that
i'm scribbling and bryan tells me get up there's a seat at the table. i feel so
restless just exactly like i did when i was ten years old and went to green
street friends school and had to sit in a pew for an hour for the thursday
quaker meeting. i don't feel suited to this life and it makes me sad. sad
because i know there are students i can inspire and sad because there are others
that just want want want and have no appreciation or interest in my work, don't
even care to know what i do. it makes me feel that anyone else could do this
job. there is no reason for me to be here.
then i remember the ones i've helped and
i love them and i'm happy until i think of the books i want to write and all the
words and visions that are escaping as i sit like a drone trying to make some
process clear for students who don't learn like i do. my brain is like a cancer,
always vigilant for possible connections always sending feelers out looking, to
no avail, looking, looking, until i find that thing i never could have known i
was searching for. how can i understand how they think?
Posted: Friday - February 10, 2006 at 10:11 PM